Husband says we aren't what each other want anymore...

[Glammo32]

Things have been brewing for a while and yesterday we had one of those 'chats' and husband told me that I'm not what he wants/needs from a wife anymore, and he knows that he isn't want I want. In a nutshell. He basically then packed a bag and went to stay at his parents last night.

This has completely knocked me for six. Things haven't been great for a while I'll admit but I thought we were each other's forever. We've been together for 11 years, married 6 and have a DD 4. He says that I'm always out at the gym or with my friends, and that I never seem to want to be home, I don't help out around the house and that I'm like living with a teenager. I do admit I need to try harder but I'm an active & sociable person and whilst he thinks this of me, I think he has become rather boring recently. I know he wants that traditional family dynamic and I do want it too, but just not how he describes. He is not your usual man in the fact that he does a lot round the house, helps with bed times, school runs etc, probably more than me tbh. He works shift work so sometimes we go weeks without seeing each other properly, so this hasn't helped. But this means that the weeks when he is home in the evenings, this is my only opportunity to go out and socialise, gym etc because of our daughter. He has said I never want to do anything with him, be around him, but then I don't really know what he wants to do with me?

I'm still just in utter shock, as although we have our faults, and I know I need to try harder, I can't believe that he has actually left. He has told me that he's felt like this for years and that a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, whilst I'm grieving terribly. I don't know what to do?

I have a feeling you will be glad you have your friends, gym and outside life op. I think he is blaming you because he is seeing someone else.

Between the shift work, house work and looking after their children?

I bet he hasn't even told op what he wants to do in the evenings or suggest something they could do he just wants her at home because that's what he thinks she should be doing.

I think most people do communicate their frustrations in relationships. What doesn’t happen is one person doesn’t listen or takes for granted how much the other person is at breaking point. Then once the relationship is over usually one person cries they didn’t see it coming… yeah right they just ignored the signs and discussions.

@HongKongGarden my step father managed to have a secret second life for 14yrs of his marriage to my mother.
Do you really think they don't find ways? 😂

What a bastard, wanting some time at home with his wife and child and he hasn’t even come up with a proper program of events.

You have your social life with him and your daughter.
Gosh once l was married and had our daughter we saw friends together and did things as a family... l.think it's selfish wanting to go out on your own.

Was he also doing a lot of the housework, looking after the children and working shifts?

That must have taken some real effort.

@Glammo32 Can't totally understand how you feel. The same thing has happened to me this morning with my partner of 11 years.

Although I was clearly deluded as I actually thought we we're good. It's completely stomach punched me.

Hope time is a healer for you.

Whatever you feel you have both done right or wrong, its over now. Start making plans.

Its very difficult when one partner works shifts. My husband can be away for weeks at a time and I parent completely alone In those times as I have no near by family, I wouldn't dream of using this as a reason to be out when he's home. Otherwise there would be no us. Maybe without realising you have laid the groundwork for separate lives, if this isn't what you want you need to sit down with him and see if there is a way forward.

I can see his point although to walk out suddenly without giving you a chance to compromise (make a day to spend one evening with him instead of going to the gym) is ridiculous! Unless he has given you prior warning? He owes you the chance to "try harder" not saying he's a saint, I'm sure he's not, but the decent thing to do when someone has a grievance in a marriage is to try and discuss and resolve matters first..

Im completely biased here due to my own experience (and so also probably a bit too harsh), but I don't believe for a second anyone who says they did not see it coming when their partner left

if anything, to me it sounds like further evidence of not paying attention to the other person

my ex claimed to have been blind-sighted when i left him and, as far as far as he was concerned, things were actually getting better...he must have been living in a different reality to me, although i think it's more likely that it was combination of taking me for granted, not giving a single f- about anything i said, and only paying attention to things that mattered to him

of all the awful things he did, that audacity shocked me the most

Honestly, you come across as quite selfish

Well, I think you need to get over the initial shock first. Tell him that you're in shock and need to think things through so that he knows that's what's going on.

What you need to think about is whether you want this relationship. To be frank, it sounds like it works for you because he takes care of you, but are you actually fulfilled by it? Do you enjoy his company? Do you respect him? I'm not sure you do.

It sounds like he has been lonely for a long time and you haven't taken him seriously when he has tried to communicate that. So what does your behaviour mean? Have you also checked out of the marriage but not realized you have until now or have you been so caught up in new things that you've taken him for granted?

I'm really not trying to dump on you. Maybe your communication styles are so different that you haven't understood how sad he has been. Maybe your concept of what makes a good marriage is different from his. He wants to spend time with you where you're enjoying his company, but you want to have fun with friends. In other words, maybe you are incompatible and it would be best to split?

That said, I think many women here will recognize this situation. It's so often the woman who is stuck with all the drudgery, constantly waiting for the husband to be grateful and to want to reward her by going and doing something fun. There's no reason why you can't exercise with him and organize activities where maybe your friends are there sometimes, but so is your family.

Well he’s right, isn’t he?

He sounds completely fed up and feels like you don’t find him attractive and not doing much to spend time together. Maybe he has dropped hints or tried to talk about it but you’ve been off to the gym.

Be careful what you wish for.

I think he's right, sounds like he's had a hard time and he's done his best. Wish you both all the best separately.

Of course, he even helped neighbours and did odd jobs for the elderly members in our family, he was a " nice guy " who took on my mother with 2 children already and then had two of their own.

Everyone was surprised, some people didn't even believe it until they saw him with his new g/f with their own eyes.

I'm always bemused when people think men aren't the most opportunistic, self serving, sneaky pieces of shit when it comes to funding another hole to fuck.

In fact though he’s being harsh by leaving at least he’s actually doing something about it rather than being unhappily married. I don’t think you’ll both come back from this though as deep down he’s probably right about your feelings for him.

When does he get time to have a life too? He's unhappy you never want to be home (in addition to you not helping out), which PP and you are interpreting as him wanting time together. But maybe he's unhappy that the second he gets off from work you make a beeline out the door, so he's saddled with all the childcare and housework again. So his whole life is just work and home/child chores.

So instead of talking to you, he’s just buggered off instead of trying to work at things?

utterly mad!

I agree. He could have mentioned the problem to try and fix things for the sake of the 4 year old. Rather than calling time so you have no chance to change things.

But the same is presumably true for him. If you go out whenever he is home for the evening, he isn’t even getting the social life.
It sounds like you haven’t been prioritising each other or putting much effort into the relationship. If you really still love him and want to be with him, this might be an opportunity for some deep conversations and some work to turn things around. But it also might help you to realise that you weren’t as compatible as you thought.

It's not what I signed up for!
You don't need to give up nights dancing in a cocktail bars to be a good mum or wife.

You do if you’re doing it every Friday night and your husband is so fed up he’s packed up and fucked off. OP said he said ‘it’s like living with a teenager’ which suggests this is quite a regular thing. I don’t believe any Mums on here go out as regularly as they did before they have children.