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Original poster

Husband says we aren't what each other want anymore...

253 replies

Glammo32 · 03/10/2023 15:31

Things have been brewing for a while and yesterday we had one of those 'chats' and husband told me that I'm not what he wants/needs from a wife anymore, and he knows that he isn't want I want. In a nutshell. He basically then packed a bag and went to stay at his parents last night.

This has completely knocked me for six. Things haven't been great for a while I'll admit but I thought we were each other's forever. We've been together for 11 years, married 6 and have a DD 4. He says that I'm always out at the gym or with my friends, and that I never seem to want to be home, I don't help out around the house and that I'm like living with a teenager. I do admit I need to try harder but I'm an active & sociable person and whilst he thinks this of me, I think he has become rather boring recently. I know he wants that traditional family dynamic and I do want it too, but just not how he describes. He is not your usual man in the fact that he does a lot round the house, helps with bed times, school runs etc, probably more than me tbh. He works shift work so sometimes we go weeks without seeing each other properly, so this hasn't helped. But this means that the weeks when he is home in the evenings, this is my only opportunity to go out and socialise, gym etc because of our daughter. He has said I never want to do anything with him, be around him, but then I don't really know what he wants to do with me?

I'm still just in utter shock, as although we have our faults, and I know I need to try harder, I can't believe that he has actually left. He has told me that he's felt like this for years and that a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, whilst I'm grieving terribly. I don't know what to do?

OP posts:
43ontherocksporfavor · 03/10/2023 16:49

I think he shouldn’t have packed a bag and left you and his daughter. He should have suggested counselling. Too easy to walk away. Are you sure he doesn’t have someone else?

HongKongGarden · 03/10/2023 16:50

TheMurderousGoose · 03/10/2023 16:43

Run along, child.

Show quote history

If you lack the intellect to counter people’s input then reaching for insults just makes you come across as even worse than you are.

PaintedEgg · 03/10/2023 16:50

I don't buy it when people say someone just up and left - they probably just didn't expect this person to actually do it despite them saying they would

ShellySarah · 03/10/2023 16:50

TheMurderousGoose · 03/10/2023 15:58

It sounds like he has legitimate reasons to feel the relationship isn’t working, but why don’t people communicate their resentments rather than waiting until they can’t stand it anymore and announcing it’s over? Seems such a childish approach to marriage.

Shame for the 4 year old.

We don't know that he didn't. My sister had similar. She and her husband were like ships that passed in the night. He came home from work and she walked out the door handing over the baby so she could go to the gym etc.

He objected but she called him controlling. Not really he wants to see his wife and child and have family time together. He had no choice but to be out of the house as he worked and she didn't. He was paying the mortgage and their lifestyle so he had to work.

They're not together anymore either.

HongKongGarden · 03/10/2023 16:51

Spinet · 03/10/2023 16:46

It's not really a question of blaming the man or the woman is it. It's just that in a relationship if you communicate about what is pissing you off - be you a man or be you a woman - the outcome tends to be better than if you just lose your rag and fuck off to your parents house.

She says it’s been an issue for a while. That strongly implies that it’s been discussed before.

Pretending otherwise to blame the man is foolish.

43ontherocksporfavor · 03/10/2023 16:51

When our DC were small our social life was having people over when Dc in bed or going out together and getting a sitter or just getting a takeaway and some wine together. You can’t have your single social life when you have chn.

TheMurderousGoose · 03/10/2023 16:52

HongKongGarden · 03/10/2023 16:48

Insulting posters as frequently as you do is hardly the response of someone mature.

You seem to be taking out personal issues on others here.

Show quote history

Oh, a different line now that your ‘you’re only saying this because he’s a man’ shtick is seen to be nonsense.

Some people try to contribute to the thread, you’re here to snipe. Best of luck to you.

Thesearmsofmine · 03/10/2023 16:52

Shift work can be really hard on a relationship, even more so when there are children involved. Been there.

Do you want to try and save the relationship OP? Or do you feel like you want different things?

1month · 03/10/2023 16:53

TheMurderousGoose · 03/10/2023 16:36

Does it?

to me it sounds like this is a bolt out of the blue for the OP, which doesn't indicate ongoing communication. I'm not saying he doesn't have legitimate grievances but it seems a bit teenage to bail before even trying to fix things. And no, I'm not saying that because the OP is a woman and the split has been instigated by a man.

Show quote history

If you know that things have been brewing for a while and it’s because of your lack of desire to spend time as a family, then it definitely doesn’t sound like a bolt out of the blue.

Spinet · 03/10/2023 16:54

I think there's a difference between 'you are always out' and 'do you want to do something together' in communicative terms. It's not just about objecting and criticising the other person, it's about opening up an alternative. If your H has been saying 'shall we watch this tv show together tonight' or 'I'll make a nice dinner for the two of us' and you find that boring and go out instead well then maybe you have grown apart. You can see that would be hurtful. But if he's just said 'you're always out and you're a slattern' then that's not really taking steps to heal things is it. It just makes you want to go out so you don't have to be criticised.

MsMarch · 03/10/2023 16:55

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 03/10/2023 16:46

I note that for a man who feels like he does it all, he's remarkably quick to be happy to just leave you and your DD and go to his parents.

👏👏👏**
Statistically it would be extremely unusual that he does it all and the OP is never at home. That’s what he says (or how it feels to him) But baby studies have shown that women under evaluate how much they do and men over evaluate what they do.

Edited

Yes, OP has provided HIS view of what is happening, but not her own. I'd love to hear if he really does do all the housework, all the cooking, all the mental load etc.... Becuase I bet he doesn't. Men consistently overstate how much they do, that's been shown in multiple studies.

In the earlier days of our relationship/early parenting days, I can remember quite a few arguments where DH would get huffy because he was resentful that the washing hadn't been hung up or something or the house was a bit messy. You know what stopped those arguments? When I pointed out that the house was messy or the washing hadn't been done because it was the 3rd load of the day, I'd been at home with the DC all day while also trying to work and I'd spent an hour trying to organise various activities (or whatever it was that day).

So while I'm not saying that OP is completely innocent - I'm sure she's not! - I'd really like to hear more details before I make a judgement call.

itsmyp4rty · 03/10/2023 16:55

PaintedEgg · 03/10/2023 16:40

why so many people think there has to be someone else involved for a man to get fed up and leave?

Because in a very long term relationship men don't tend to leave unless they have someone else. The status quo is always easier than leaving, unless they have something worth leaving for.

OP this doesn't even make sense, he wants a more traditional family dynamic - but then leaves the family. You knew this had been a bit of an issue for him but clearly had no idea it was a deal breaker. You have had to cope with being alone with your daughter a lot as he works shifts, and also often alone after she goes to bed - but then he doesn't like that sometimes he's alone when you go to the gym for an hour or see friends.

If he was so desperate for a more traditional family life why didn't he start looking for a job with more traditional hours that meant he was around every evening. Then you'd have a more traditional family life and you having a little bit of your own time wouldn't be such a fucking issue. This isn't all on you.

Bigmoanbabyg · 03/10/2023 16:57

TheMurderousGoose · 03/10/2023 16:52

Oh, a different line now that your ‘you’re only saying this because he’s a man’ shtick is seen to be nonsense.

Some people try to contribute to the thread, you’re here to snipe. Best of luck to you.

Show quote history

TheMurderessGoose - HKG hasnt got personal with you once. You are coming off a bit like someone who has an argument in an empty room.

Spinet · 03/10/2023 16:58

HongKongGarden · 03/10/2023 16:51

She says it’s been an issue for a while. That strongly implies that it’s been discussed before.

Pretending otherwise to blame the man is foolish.

Show quote history

She doesn't say 'it's been an issue for a while'. She says things have been brewing/ things haven't been great. She doesn't say he has asked her to spend time with him.

Telling me I'm 'pretending' something in order to 'blame the man' is pretty insulting by the way, since you're telling other people their posting style is off.

PaintedEgg · 03/10/2023 16:58

itsmyp4rty · 03/10/2023 16:55

Because in a very long term relationship men don't tend to leave unless they have someone else. The status quo is always easier than leaving, unless they have something worth leaving for.

OP this doesn't even make sense, he wants a more traditional family dynamic - but then leaves the family. You knew this had been a bit of an issue for him but clearly had no idea it was a deal breaker. You have had to cope with being alone with your daughter a lot as he works shifts, and also often alone after she goes to bed - but then he doesn't like that sometimes he's alone when you go to the gym for an hour or see friends.

If he was so desperate for a more traditional family life why didn't he start looking for a job with more traditional hours that meant he was around every evening. Then you'd have a more traditional family life and you having a little bit of your own time wouldn't be such a fucking issue. This isn't all on you.

Show quote history

i disagree - people leave when they get fed up, and this works for both men and women

by the sound of it he left because he got frustrated - you don't need a lover to get done with your spouse (speaking from experience of my own and few people i know)

HMW1906 · 03/10/2023 16:58

So he wants to spend his downtime with his wife and child whereas you want to spend his downtime going to the gym or out with your mates. When do you spend anytime with him or as a family of 3??!! I can see why he’s had enough, he’s basically a housemate that contributes financially and looks after your child so you can go out, that’s not a marriage. We all have to make sacrifices when we have children, myself and my husband rarely go out with friends (maybe once every couple of months) and we go for family walks instead of the gym, the rest of the time we spend as a family/couple and that is enough for us.

Let him go and find someone who will make him happy and give him the family life that he wants/needs.

BoohooWoohoo · 03/10/2023 16:59

Based on your description, your husband is right.

He isn't saying that you are unreasonable to want to see your friends and go to the gym but it's sad that spending time with him isn't a priority too and he's not unreasonable to want that. The fact that you can't even think of something to do speaks volumes. You both seem to have grown apart.

TheMurderousGoose · 03/10/2023 17:02

Bigmoanbabyg · 03/10/2023 16:57

TheMurderessGoose - HKG hasnt got personal with you once. You are coming off a bit like someone who has an argument in an empty room.

Show quote history

it's beyond tedious when posters imply you're only taking a particular stance because you want to blame a man. As I said, I was on a thread last week where I suggested the (female) OP not throw in the towel until they'd properly communicated their issues with their husband. Because in my world that's the normal thing to do. But here's it's controversial.

Duckingella · 03/10/2023 17:02

There's a few things that jump out here.

1.The OP is home all day with a 4 year old and the only opportunity she gets for exercise and socialising is when her DH is home.

2.Going out once a week with friends isn't excessive.

3.OP state that he isn't like normal men and he parents and does housework;this sound be the absolute minimum expected and not seen as something the OP should be greatful for;it seems obvious the OP's DH seems to think she should be greatful for it.

4.The OP's DH appears to think he should be entitled to a quiet housewife who should do everything,not go out and sit on her arse watching shit on the TV with him in the evenings.

5.The OP's DH sounds like an insufferable arse.

GerbilsForever24 · 03/10/2023 17:05

So he wants to spend his downtime with his wife and child whereas you want to spend his downtime going to the gym or out with your mates. When do you spend anytime with him or as a family of 3??!!

This is a valid question except... when does OP get downtime? That hasn't been made clear. Let's assume her DD is at school and she's working. So, when he's on afternoon/evening shifts she's working, then doing all the childcare etc. During those days, he is getting downtime during the day while she's at work and her dd is at school. Then, during different shift patterns, he's getting downtime in the evenings and he wants to see her. But for her, this might be the ONLY downtime she gets so she wants to spend some of that doing her own thing.

SIL had a similar issue with ex. He only worked part time, also on shifts. He did not take on the additional childcare or home stuff though. Then, when he was home in the evenings, he'd be all pissy if she wanted to go to the gym. But she works 50 hour weeks, and when she was not working, she was doing childcare and she certainly never got whole days at home doing nothing. So she wasn't terribly sympathetic when once a week she wanted to go out without him.

43ontherocksporfavor · 03/10/2023 17:07

If child is 4 she must be at nursery some part of the day and school looms so plenty of time to exercise then?

Duckingella · 03/10/2023 17:09

@MsMarch

My husband had a boss who reckoned he did "everything at home" however said boss also "worked" 6 days a week and admitted to DH he went straight to bed when he got home from work and didn't get up until about 20 minutes before he left for work.

*Said boss spent his "work" time going off to practice his hobby,playing games on his work PC and sleeping on the sofa in his office.

Bdhegdjeob · 03/10/2023 17:09

Duckingella · 03/10/2023 17:02

There's a few things that jump out here.

1.The OP is home all day with a 4 year old and the only opportunity she gets for exercise and socialising is when her DH is home.

2.Going out once a week with friends isn't excessive.

3.OP state that he isn't like normal men and he parents and does housework;this sound be the absolute minimum expected and not seen as something the OP should be greatful for;it seems obvious the OP's DH seems to think she should be greatful for it.

4.The OP's DH appears to think he should be entitled to a quiet housewife who should do everything,not go out and sit on her arse watching shit on the TV with him in the evenings.

5.The OP's DH sounds like an insufferable arse.

  1. A four year old doesn’t stop exercise. Kids like to go out too and not be stuck inside. Kids like parks, football, scooting (where you can job alongside), park gyms. I know it’s not the gym but sometimes you make the most of things.
  2. Is it just once a week? Maybe I missed that but the OP wants to be out a lot (which is fine - they just aren’t compatible)
  3. I don’t think it’s clear what the split is but the OP seems to suggest they don’t do much.
  4. How do you know he doesn’t want to go dancing or to the cinema. Big assumptions
  5. weird conclusion unless you know more than has been posted!
Beachwalker66 · 03/10/2023 17:09

BoohooWoohoo · 03/10/2023 16:59

Based on your description, your husband is right.

He isn't saying that you are unreasonable to want to see your friends and go to the gym but it's sad that spending time with him isn't a priority too and he's not unreasonable to want that. The fact that you can't even think of something to do speaks volumes. You both seem to have grown apart.

I agree with this. He obviously isn’t someone you want to spend time with.

You will probably both be happier apart.

Zanatdy · 03/10/2023 17:12

Jeez nothing wrong with seeing friends and going to the gym, it’s not every night. Does everyone else not see friends and spend money on babysitters all the while once in a relationship and have children?

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