Husband says we aren't what each other want anymore...

[Glammo32]

Things have been brewing for a while and yesterday we had one of those 'chats' and husband told me that I'm not what he wants/needs from a wife anymore, and he knows that he isn't want I want. In a nutshell. He basically then packed a bag and went to stay at his parents last night.

This has completely knocked me for six. Things haven't been great for a while I'll admit but I thought we were each other's forever. We've been together for 11 years, married 6 and have a DD 4. He says that I'm always out at the gym or with my friends, and that I never seem to want to be home, I don't help out around the house and that I'm like living with a teenager. I do admit I need to try harder but I'm an active & sociable person and whilst he thinks this of me, I think he has become rather boring recently. I know he wants that traditional family dynamic and I do want it too, but just not how he describes. He is not your usual man in the fact that he does a lot round the house, helps with bed times, school runs etc, probably more than me tbh. He works shift work so sometimes we go weeks without seeing each other properly, so this hasn't helped. But this means that the weeks when he is home in the evenings, this is my only opportunity to go out and socialise, gym etc because of our daughter. He has said I never want to do anything with him, be around him, but then I don't really know what he wants to do with me?

I'm still just in utter shock, as although we have our faults, and I know I need to try harder, I can't believe that he has actually left. He has told me that he's felt like this for years and that a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, whilst I'm grieving terribly. I don't know what to do?

Interesting. This is kind of like my relationship but reversed. I’m the one who wants more family time and my partner has this seemingly insatiable need to socialize outside the house.
It’s hard being in your husband’s position. It feels like constant rejection in favour of whatever scraps of attention other people (any other people, even total fucking strangers in bars) are willing to give. That’s putting it a bit harsh, but it’s what your husband will be feeling. You would rather spend all your free time with other people than with him or your daughter.
If you want to fix this and your husband is willing to give things another try then you have to redress that balance. So yes, obviously socializing outside the home is very important to you and you should not be giving that up completely. But you need to prioritize time with your family or with your husband. Schedule it in if you need to. Could someone babysit once a month and you and your husband go out together? For a meal? A cinema trip? -Date night basically. And can you have a couple of days a month dedicated to family outings? It might be tricky to organize with shiftwork, granted, but it sounds like it’s really important to your husband. Plan something fun. It doesn’t need to be expensive or complicated. Could be a trip to a beach/forest/national trust place. Or to a museum or swimming pool. Or a day at home dedicated to improving some aspect of your home - DIY or making a fort out of cardboard boxes with your kid.
And don’t drop time you’ve already planned to spend with your husband for outside socializing. Even if you think Fish and Chips and streaming a film together doesn’t count as ´plans’ - it might for your husband and he may feel rejected if you blow him of to go out for a drink with friends or whatever.

To be honest I not sure why you’re shocked? You sound like you flit about and leave him to do a lot of the other stuff whilst you’re socialising. He probably feels completely taken for granted and lonely.

It sounds like you don't want to compromise on anything and do things like go the gym before work to have some together.

An important thing to always remember about men is that they value intimacy above everything in a relationship. To them that is when they feel love and respect from their partner since compliments, pampering, gifts, massages, acts of service are generally much rarer coming their way.

They also are well attuned to know intimacy is the first thing women stop if there's an issue so it's a yardstick for the relationship. If you are not making time for that and are just ships passing in the night, every man will want to leave irrespective of your positive traits.

You thought you were going to be each others forever, well no matter how well you got on initially you really have to keep working on your relationship over the years. Sounds like you simply let it go.

You are getting a hard time on here.

You are entitled to have a life outside the home.

Maybe you would prefer someone more sociable op, you sound lively and outgoing and he is a homebody? Is there an age difference?

I would be questioning why now and would ask if he is having an affair. Your marriage has worked this way for over a decade.

How hurtful- you don’t see him for weeks and when he’s finally home, you’re straight out the door, you think he’s boring. Sounds like you’ve put zero/minimal effort into maintaining the marriage and now he’s understandably seeking a happier life for himself.

I mean. He comes home you go out. He cleans the house, you leave a mess?

He wants family time you want to socialise with friends whenever he is home.

His not wrong. His not just a babysitter his your husband and daughter father, or rather was your husband who you treated like just a baby sitter/maid it sounds like.

Funny when the women’s the babysitter and maid everyone tells her to ltb… well that’s what his doing.

TBF it sounds like he's right. If you wanted to, you could have made time for him. It wasn't a priority for you and he doesn't want to live like that.

Maybe the best thing to do is respect his decision and go your separate ways.

Sounds like my husband's first marriage. He is more of a homebody and his ex wife was exactly how you are describing yourself.
He is happier with me and she is with someone else who she has more in common with, they seem very happy together. Perhaps it's a good thing.

You could get a babysitter on the nights he is at work so the nights he is home you can spend together
is sex ,or lack of at the bottom of this do u think

You'd probably like a partner who is more bubbly and sociable

Trouble is, once you're divorced you'll have no one to clean the house, cook dinner and babysit.

I guess all those jobs can be outsourced?

Do you mean shagging by 'intimacy'?

While I do see what everyone's saying, it feels a bit like the DH has gone nuclear and left rather than actually giving the OP the opportunity to think about if that is what she wants and change her behaviour/ their day-to-day set up. In that way it must be a shock. Has he mentioned this before though OP?

That's how I read it, too, OP. Accurate or not, it's based on the information you provided here.

Yes exactly. No communication. Just 'see ya'.

Immature attitude when there's a child involved.

Can't believe the responses you are getting OP! Shocked people think once you are a parent you dont get to have a social life. I meet up with friends for dinner or drinks or lunch at least once a week, sometimes twice! I also go to for a run a few evenings a week.
If he is feeling a bit neglected he should communicate that with you and book a babysitter so that you can spend some quality time together, no run off to his parents. Tbh I would be very suspicious that he has started an affair. I would start doing a big of digging.

How often is he home in the evening and how often are you going out?

If he’s home on average 3 nights a week and you go out for those 3 nights, then yes I don’t blame him.

But if he’s home for 3 nights a week and you just go out on 1 of those nights, then he’s BU.

There’s a balance isn’t there.

For me the issue sounds like that you’re not even trying to make time for him.

Could you not hire a baby sitter and go and see your friends when he’s working?
And find a gym with a crèche or go on your lunch break?

It sounds like you are giving 10% and he is giving 90% to the relationship. He was right to leave if he is feeling neglected in the relationship. It's like you would rather go out and socialise or go to the gym than spend time with your husband - he's basically a single parent, I feel sorry for him. He was right to leave if he is feeling neglected in the relationship.

You should read those comments and have some self reflection, if you want it to work, the change starts with the you.

I disagree.

It sounds like he’s given OP plenty of opportunity to try and make the relationship work but she hasn’t tried (which she admits) and he’s finally had enough.

Her first sentence is “Things have been brewing for a while.”

The propensity of some posters to ignore the facts to blame the man is quite something.

He doesn't want a wife, he wants someone to watch telly with.

Uhhh, sorry op, wouldn't want to be married to someone who put her social life before me. And then states something as preposterous as 'what does he want to do with me'? Uhmm what? Spend time with you? Is that so outlandish?

OP, I think you’re getting a tough time here. Regardless of how well suited you are, it sounds as though you were aware it wasn’t quite working for either of you but thought it was salvageable. But it doesn’t seem that your husband agrees. It’s also clear from your post that he’s been thinking this way for some time — whereas it’s come as a massive shock to you. Give yourself time in the first instance — to come to terms with what he’s told you, to process how you feel about it. (Remember, he’s had lots of time. You haven’t.) Work out what you really want. Do you want to make changes and try to make your relationship work (if he’s agreeable)? Or do you agree it’s too late? If the former, you can try to talk to your husband about it/try couples counselling, for example — but it may be that he still feels it’s too late, in which case you’re going to have to accept that. Good luck… x

I don't see your problem. You don't seem to want to spend time with him so what's the issue. Move on and enjoy your time with your friends.

it's not 'blaming the man' to try and get more of a picture of what went on communication wise.