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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friends Will Disown Me if I Date Him Again

267 replies

Moohana86 · 03/10/2023 13:23

Hi All

This is my first time posting on MN and I was apprehensive about it but here goes.

Im 37, never been married. Was engaged once but it wasn’t meant to be. No kids. I have had lots of involvement with my nieces and nephews though which is great.
Anyway I was dating a guy for nearly two years. He’s now 45 and divorced, one son who is nearly 20 but at university and doesn’t see him much.
I broke it off close on a year ago and just staying single. We never lived together but I spent a lot of time with him. He is a half hour drive away.
My mates can’t stand him because yes he’s very well educated and smart and sensible and a good business brain on him
but he’s always right. He’s a my way or highway guy and very stubborn. He doesn’t like doing anything that involves my friends or their partners. He’s quite judgmental and opinionated and kind of a snob only wanting to keep to his circle which is very small. He’s not a big social person at all. He has made comments that friends of mine are dumb as dog shit or gutter trash or beneath him. He criticises some of my family. He criticises me for a lot of things and would get frustrated that I wasnt listening to him on areas I need to change. He dislikes my nieces and nephews being around if he’s with me and has zero patience or interest in them. He criticises my work and compares my income to his and how many hours he works. He is very impatient and gets snappy fast and can let loose with verbal abuse of swearing at me and running me down which he won’t apologise for as it’s my fault apparently. He’s not the type to go out his comfort zone or compromise and doesn’t have a romantic bone. In the near 2 years there were no flowers or gifts or dinners. He is more a practical man.
We were arguing a lot and I felt like he was more critical of me than supportive and if I wasn’t valued I should leave.
He does have his good points and we had fun times the two of us. I guess a big part of me misses him. He wanted to keep in comms and we’ve talked a bit since the split. He’s been telling me he wants to give it another go. He said it’s not exactly me that he was frustrated with before, it’s more the people around me that annoy him
and he felt I should make better choices with who I am friends with and not look after my nieces and nephew so often.
Well - I’m torn between what I want to do but the biggest issue for me is literally all my friends as well as my sister are against me dating him again and several friends said they won’t hang out with me if he’s back in my life because he’s no good for me and they hated seeing me upset from the arguments with him plus knowing how cynical he is about them and others.
A few people think he is controlling and wants to isolate me from family and friends.
I’d be interested in outsiders opinions

OP posts:
SamW98 · 04/10/2023 13:59

What you’re describing OP is a classic narc. They throw you enough crumbs to confuse you into thinking they’re a decent person bBut honestly when someone shows you the red flags, take notice.

These people are only nice to reward you for doing what they want. It’s all about control and gaslighting you.

They can’t change because they believe they are always right and you’re a possession not an equal.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 04/10/2023 14:27

Moohana86 · 04/10/2023 13:50

He has moments where he’s loving and normal and decent and caring but as I explained earlier, his moods can change in an instant and when he’s pissed off he can be awful verbally and show no empathy, callous

He shows classic traits of an abusive man.

Everything you've written about him are classic traits of an abuser.

Now you've have had your eyes opened, and decided not to go back there, do not relent. Stay firm, stay strong. Never go back there.

truthhurts23 · 04/10/2023 16:43

Moohana86 · 04/10/2023 06:26

I’m not sure if he’s a narcissist. What I do know is that he was a lot nicer, the first few months of our relationship, than for the rest of it. The things he seem to like about me or tolerate. In the beginning. The Cam things he disliked later on. His patients levels were not as high as compared to the beginning of the relationship. He has moments where he is absolutely amazing and sickly sweet, but then at the drop of a hat can get really annoyed over trivial things and stay angry for two days.

he was a lot nicer, the first few months of our relationship
love bombing
get really annoyed over trivial things and stay angry for two days.
Silent treatment, control and manipulation tactic

he will never change, only get worse

GentlemanJay · 04/10/2023 16:46

Your friends are 100% correct. Your bar is set very low.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 04/10/2023 17:48

I stopped reading half way down... he sounds utterly vile. Why are you even considering dating him again? You're only 37. Plenty of time to meet someone who'll be way way better than him.

Inaquandrydoinglaundry · 04/10/2023 18:01

I would say - stop thinking about how your friends would react.

Think about WHY your friends have the opinion that they do.

Think about what you would say to your friend or situation in the same situation - would you think she should go back to this relationship?

GodDammitCecil · 04/10/2023 19:01

OP watch this.

It’s funny because it’s true.

Instagram

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CxsgrCturw_/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

Wavessea · 04/10/2023 20:22

My mates can’t stand him because yes he’s very well educated and smart and sensible and a good business brain on him

With all the respect in the world this isn’t the reason your friends can’t stand him

DatingDinosaur · 04/10/2023 23:03

Sorry, I've only read your first post OP.

So YOU broke it off a year ago. You post a MASSIVE list of negative points about him.

And now you're wondering whether or not to get back with him because HE says he wants to give it another go?

Are you feeling a bit lonely and unloved or something?

Listen to your friends. No man is worth being dumped by all your mates.

And dump him too. As in, stop communicating with him. He's just dangling you on that string.

He sounds like a right arrogant moron.

Lilyargin · 05/10/2023 00:04

What?
Why?
Just eurgh 😖

wouldbeus · 05/10/2023 00:48

I'm sorry, what have I just read? This surely can't be a serious discussion?

Original poster
Moohana86 · 05/10/2023 03:28

He is really amazing when things are going his way. Deviate from that and he’s a different person. Or if he’s having a bad day.
Not going back and not going to even hint at considering it to him

OP posts:
wouldbeus · 05/10/2023 03:47

@Moohana86 Hey, I get it. They're all lovely when things are going their way.
You've obviously seen all the replies on here and hopefully you'll see that he really isn't a good person let alone a good partner.
It seems you've said you won't go back to him. That's great. I hope you are able to move on.

Original poster
Moohana86 · 05/10/2023 04:30

There probably is some truth in what some posters are saying about me, needing counselling because there’s obviously parts of the relationship that I am missing to make me even contemplate going back to him. I have even found myself thinkikh over the months that maybe I am the one with the problems and faults which made him frustrated and angry

OP posts:
littleburn · 05/10/2023 07:59

The thing with 'he has his good points' is no one is 100% awful 100% of the time. So what's an acceptable level of awful to you? 80%, 50%, 30% awful? Just being awful to your friends and family but not to his mum or the boys he coaches?

Obviously the answer should be zero/not at all! We all have bad days OP, but awful behaviour should not be so significant a personality trait that it can be quantified. And isolating someone from their friends and family - which is the price of being in a relationship with him - is step one in the abusers' handbook.

Ansjovis · 05/10/2023 09:37

He's only as good as how he behaves in his worst moments, OP. Good men can have bad moods, feel unwell, disagree with their partners etc and not act abusively because of it.

Original poster
Moohana86 · 05/10/2023 10:23

This is true. A close friend of mine was having marital issues and desperately asked me to look after her 4 kids to have 5 nights away with her husband to benefit from quality time alone. I don’t have kids so I was obliging and she left money and food and it was during school holidays. Being teens they mostly took care of themselves during the day. No dramas. Well - he blew up at me being used and taken advantage of. Why did I agree to help and be saddled with the responsibility of her children while she enjoys a holiday with her husband. There’s lots of similar instances and arguments from me doing things for people. I don’t feel taken advantage of. Friends help each other

OP posts:
SamW98 · 05/10/2023 10:27

Honestly OP every update shows more and more that he’s an absolute textbook narcissist. What he’s doing is called gaslighting - Google it and you’ll be nodding in agreement.

Narcs play with your mind to confuse you, question yourself constantly and ultimately make you dependent on them.

The fact you wonder if it’s you who’s wrong shoes he’s done a massive number on you by constantly deflecting back. He wants you isolated from friends and family, it’s so he is controlling you.

Original poster
Moohana86 · 05/10/2023 10:41

It feels like overreacting on his part for sure although he would say it’s looking out for me, being protective

OP posts:
WowOK · 05/10/2023 10:54

Moohana86 · 05/10/2023 10:41

It feels like overreacting on his part for sure although he would say it’s looking out for me, being protective

You're 37. You are grown. He is controlling not protecting. You need a partner not a dad. I'm glad he's your EX. Do the freedom programme @Moohana86. I think you need to tools to recognise domestic abuse.

Original poster
Moohana86 · 05/10/2023 11:55

Thank you to you and everyone who has taken time to respond to my thread

OP posts:
intherough · 05/10/2023 12:36

Sounds like you really need professional therapy. No healthy woman would ever consider taking him back.

Original poster
Moohana86 · 05/10/2023 13:02

ill speak to my GP.
Someone actual asked a few posts back, is this guy great in bed that is consider dating him again. Honest answer to that is no! He has lots of sex appeal but is selfish in bed. Would only bother about himself and leave me very frustrated and not care.

OP posts:
QueenBitch666 · 05/10/2023 14:48

Do you really need to ask?
Are you really that desperate?

DatingDinosaur · 05/10/2023 17:02

"there’s obviously parts of the relationship that I am missing to make me even contemplate going back to him."

Parts of the RELATIONSHIP. Not him.

Have a think about what those parts are and then ask yourself "does HE provide that in a way that makes you feel safe, good, happy".

Is it just the ease/familiarity that's making specifically him a contender?