Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friends Will Disown Me if I Date Him Again

267 replies

Moohana86 · 03/10/2023 13:23

Hi All

This is my first time posting on MN and I was apprehensive about it but here goes.

Im 37, never been married. Was engaged once but it wasn’t meant to be. No kids. I have had lots of involvement with my nieces and nephews though which is great.
Anyway I was dating a guy for nearly two years. He’s now 45 and divorced, one son who is nearly 20 but at university and doesn’t see him much.
I broke it off close on a year ago and just staying single. We never lived together but I spent a lot of time with him. He is a half hour drive away.
My mates can’t stand him because yes he’s very well educated and smart and sensible and a good business brain on him
but he’s always right. He’s a my way or highway guy and very stubborn. He doesn’t like doing anything that involves my friends or their partners. He’s quite judgmental and opinionated and kind of a snob only wanting to keep to his circle which is very small. He’s not a big social person at all. He has made comments that friends of mine are dumb as dog shit or gutter trash or beneath him. He criticises some of my family. He criticises me for a lot of things and would get frustrated that I wasnt listening to him on areas I need to change. He dislikes my nieces and nephews being around if he’s with me and has zero patience or interest in them. He criticises my work and compares my income to his and how many hours he works. He is very impatient and gets snappy fast and can let loose with verbal abuse of swearing at me and running me down which he won’t apologise for as it’s my fault apparently. He’s not the type to go out his comfort zone or compromise and doesn’t have a romantic bone. In the near 2 years there were no flowers or gifts or dinners. He is more a practical man.
We were arguing a lot and I felt like he was more critical of me than supportive and if I wasn’t valued I should leave.
He does have his good points and we had fun times the two of us. I guess a big part of me misses him. He wanted to keep in comms and we’ve talked a bit since the split. He’s been telling me he wants to give it another go. He said it’s not exactly me that he was frustrated with before, it’s more the people around me that annoy him
and he felt I should make better choices with who I am friends with and not look after my nieces and nephew so often.
Well - I’m torn between what I want to do but the biggest issue for me is literally all my friends as well as my sister are against me dating him again and several friends said they won’t hang out with me if he’s back in my life because he’s no good for me and they hated seeing me upset from the arguments with him plus knowing how cynical he is about them and others.
A few people think he is controlling and wants to isolate me from family and friends.
I’d be interested in outsiders opinions

OP posts:
truthhurts23 · 04/10/2023 04:51

he is trying to isolate you from everyone because he is a narcissist

you are clearly loved by your friends and family and he is jealous of that
he doesn't know how to be sociable, he's jealous that you do it so easily

that's why he keeps putting you down, he's not supportive of you and always comparing things like salary because he's trying to make himself feel better

if you stay with him he will suck the life out of you and turn you into a shell, he is a narcissist.

SD1978 · 04/10/2023 05:01

He's a self absorbed, self righteous arsehole, who only thinks you're adequate if it's the two of you. Every other aspect of your life is beneath him.....why the everloving feck would you think that's ok? Or still be in contact with someone who thinks so badly if you, your career, your family, friends and life?!

Magenta82 · 04/10/2023 05:30

Use the time you would be spending on him to work on your self esteem OP.
If you can get yourself into counselling and have building you self esteem as a main aim of the sessions.

If you can't afford therapy or want something to try as well the Thrive Programme helped me. The book is expensive but working through the exercises is a good way to change the way you think about yourself and the things that you can control.

givemeasunnyday · 04/10/2023 05:46

Run for the hills!

Original poster
Moohana86 · 04/10/2023 06:26

I’m not sure if he’s a narcissist. What I do know is that he was a lot nicer, the first few months of our relationship, than for the rest of it. The things he seem to like about me or tolerate. In the beginning. The Cam things he disliked later on. His patients levels were not as high as compared to the beginning of the relationship. He has moments where he is absolutely amazing and sickly sweet, but then at the drop of a hat can get really annoyed over trivial things and stay angry for two days.

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 04/10/2023 06:42

Moohana86 · 04/10/2023 06:26

I’m not sure if he’s a narcissist. What I do know is that he was a lot nicer, the first few months of our relationship, than for the rest of it. The things he seem to like about me or tolerate. In the beginning. The Cam things he disliked later on. His patients levels were not as high as compared to the beginning of the relationship. He has moments where he is absolutely amazing and sickly sweet, but then at the drop of a hat can get really annoyed over trivial things and stay angry for two days.

That’s because they have to seem nice initially because no sane person would date them otherwise, and because they know when they’ve taken it too far and they need to be nice at other times to give you a reason to stay and make you think, “well it’s not always bad”. It’s manipulation tactics

Dotty87 · 04/10/2023 06:43

Moohana86 · 04/10/2023 06:26

I’m not sure if he’s a narcissist. What I do know is that he was a lot nicer, the first few months of our relationship, than for the rest of it. The things he seem to like about me or tolerate. In the beginning. The Cam things he disliked later on. His patients levels were not as high as compared to the beginning of the relationship. He has moments where he is absolutely amazing and sickly sweet, but then at the drop of a hat can get really annoyed over trivial things and stay angry for two days.

He only managed to stay nice for a few months, then the mask slipped. Because that's what it was, make no mistake, he is now showing you who he really is.
I'm pleased to hear you've read everything on here, and decided not to go back. I would strongly advise you block him, his number, his social media accounts, remove him from your life. I would suspect that he is still contributing to your low self esteem even when you're not together, these types love to drag you down.

Babygirl888 · 04/10/2023 06:49

You will do what you want to do regardless of advice. We all do. BUT. I spent close to 20 years (im 35) with someone who isolated me. He was moody and erratic, he had lovely moments and i adored him. nobody wanted me with him. I went against logic and peoples wishes and stayed and stayed. Family didnt talk to me, friends hated him. We split up 2 months ago and let me tell you, it is fucking lonely.

I lost my teenage friends for him as a teen. My friends in my early 20's. Late 20's. I left jobs he didnt want me to do. Then i stopped making friends and now I have nobody. I stuck up for him because he had 'potential'. He didnt. I have no support now its over. Try heartbreak alone, its a motherfucker. I am quite self concious and while there are people i couldve reached out to after every breakup and argument, i felt i had to take it on the chin alone because i was warned over and over as their wishes for me were clear.'

Moon47 · 04/10/2023 07:14

Speaking from experience this is a shit road to go down. I did similar. I'm now 3 years in and hiding him from my family. My mates hate him. He's a moody selfish all over moody man. He throws in the occasional act of kindness like cooking or promising me a happier future but he soon goes in a grump and falls out with me over nothing.

They are emotionally abusive. They put other people down and think they are right always. I think you miss them because they stress you out so much you exhaust yourself trying to fix it. It's just going to wreck your energy. Try stay strong and don't give in to the fake future

BlaBlaBlaHa · 04/10/2023 07:23

Read your post back to yourself and pull out the positives versus negatives.....

RedToothBrush · 04/10/2023 08:05

Moohana86 · 04/10/2023 06:26

I’m not sure if he’s a narcissist. What I do know is that he was a lot nicer, the first few months of our relationship, than for the rest of it. The things he seem to like about me or tolerate. In the beginning. The Cam things he disliked later on. His patients levels were not as high as compared to the beginning of the relationship. He has moments where he is absolutely amazing and sickly sweet, but then at the drop of a hat can get really annoyed over trivial things and stay angry for two days.

You've not said whether you will be blocking him.

The above is a good reason to.

You don't start a healthy relationship from that position.

Start thinking about healthy relationships and what they look like.

wafflyversatile · 04/10/2023 08:08

He is controlling and wants to isolate you from family and friends.

Keep him as far away from you as possible.

happsy · 04/10/2023 08:42

TwilightSkies · 03/10/2023 13:26

He sounds completely vile. Are you desperate?

This. And you deserve to not have anyone if you bring this person back into their lives. He's vile about everyone and you want him back. What is wrong with you???

Original poster
Moohana86 · 04/10/2023 09:02

I’m really sorry this had happened to you 😢

OP posts:
ALargeChardonnayPlease · 04/10/2023 09:09

I'm genuinely baffled. Can you explain exactly what it is you miss?

The criticism 🚩
The control 🚩
The judgement 🚩
The zero patience 🚩
The intense dislike of your family & friends 🚩
The verbal abuse 🚩
The lack of compromise 🚩
The bullying 🚩

If you go back to him, he will do everything in his power to completely isolate you from your support network. It's a classic tactic to ensure they can control and manipulate. He doesn't like those around you because they see him for what he is, a bully and an abuser. Being lonely and having low self-esteem can cause people to go back to something that is harmful to them, because of the familiarity and the perception of feeling wanted. I'm so sorry, but him wanting you back is about his own selfish need to coerce and control you. Well done for leaving him, you left for a reason, in fact for several very worrying reasons. Please block and delete.

Original poster
Moohana86 · 04/10/2023 09:15

I am not going to go back to him and will cut contact. When a person can be so charming then so awful in a second - it’s mind boggling and results in insecurity. He says he doesn’t need a girlfriend but he likes me and would choose me over anyone else. Maybe everyone else is too soft

OP posts:
cheezncrackers · 04/10/2023 09:18

OP, please have some self respect. It's not this guy or you have to stay single for the rest of your life - you can meet other men - and maybe you'll actually meet someone who isn't abusive if you keep looking!

But seriously, if you can't see for yourself that this guy, despite a small number of good points, is actually abusive and controlling, you should do some work to figure out why you feel its okay to put up with this kind of behaviour in a relationship. Do you have low self esteem? Were you abused as a child? Do you have a pattern of unhealthy relationships in your past? I'd advise some therapy with someone who is experienced in counselling those trying to break unhealthy cycles, recognise abusive behaviours and put healthy boundaries in place. You may benefit from doing The Freedom Programme.

SamW98 · 04/10/2023 09:19

OP - everything you say and every update shows he’s an absolute narcissist. Please stick to your guns, block him and resist any attempts from him to contact you.

It’s hard but stand firm, take all the support you can from people who care and let this controlling creep fade into history.

If you can please get some counselling to help understand yourself and to help your self esteem.

Original poster
Moohana86 · 04/10/2023 09:36

I’m not disputing this. All I’m saying is it’s pretty sad how men and women out there can be absolutely amazing and those sides are what we fall in love with but then when the alter ego is displayed it’s a shock and by then we’ve fallen for the ‘nice’ version.
I don’t need this guy to feel complete. It’s not like I’ve been falling to pieces since we split. I do miss the good sides and it’s a pity he’s not like that all the time

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 04/10/2023 09:46

'I am not going to go back to him and will cut contact. When a person can be so charming then so awful in a second - it’s mind boggling and results in insecurity'

Good for you. Stick with it. Yes, people like this are a complete headfuck. You need to stay far away from him for your own sanity

RedToothBrush · 04/10/2023 09:59

Moohana86 · 04/10/2023 09:15

I am not going to go back to him and will cut contact. When a person can be so charming then so awful in a second - it’s mind boggling and results in insecurity. He says he doesn’t need a girlfriend but he likes me and would choose me over anyone else. Maybe everyone else is too soft

If you've not already done it, the very next thing you should do after reading this message is block him.

Then it's Done.

Look after yourself and realise that you are better than this. You have low self esteem. The first thing at the top of your list in a partner should be someone who isn't overly critical.

HalebiHabibti · 04/10/2023 10:02

If you go back to him then he will be the only person in your life eventually, regardless of your intentions to the contrary. If you can cope with that then sure, go for it

Original poster
Moohana86 · 04/10/2023 12:28

NO I couldn’t cope with that!

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 04/10/2023 13:33

Does he have any good points. Your friends love you. He does not.

Original poster
Moohana86 · 04/10/2023 13:50

He has moments where he’s loving and normal and decent and caring but as I explained earlier, his moods can change in an instant and when he’s pissed off he can be awful verbally and show no empathy, callous

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread