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Original poster

Friends Will Disown Me if I Date Him Again

267 replies

Moohana86 · 03/10/2023 13:23

Hi All

This is my first time posting on MN and I was apprehensive about it but here goes.

Im 37, never been married. Was engaged once but it wasn’t meant to be. No kids. I have had lots of involvement with my nieces and nephews though which is great.
Anyway I was dating a guy for nearly two years. He’s now 45 and divorced, one son who is nearly 20 but at university and doesn’t see him much.
I broke it off close on a year ago and just staying single. We never lived together but I spent a lot of time with him. He is a half hour drive away.
My mates can’t stand him because yes he’s very well educated and smart and sensible and a good business brain on him
but he’s always right. He’s a my way or highway guy and very stubborn. He doesn’t like doing anything that involves my friends or their partners. He’s quite judgmental and opinionated and kind of a snob only wanting to keep to his circle which is very small. He’s not a big social person at all. He has made comments that friends of mine are dumb as dog shit or gutter trash or beneath him. He criticises some of my family. He criticises me for a lot of things and would get frustrated that I wasnt listening to him on areas I need to change. He dislikes my nieces and nephews being around if he’s with me and has zero patience or interest in them. He criticises my work and compares my income to his and how many hours he works. He is very impatient and gets snappy fast and can let loose with verbal abuse of swearing at me and running me down which he won’t apologise for as it’s my fault apparently. He’s not the type to go out his comfort zone or compromise and doesn’t have a romantic bone. In the near 2 years there were no flowers or gifts or dinners. He is more a practical man.
We were arguing a lot and I felt like he was more critical of me than supportive and if I wasn’t valued I should leave.
He does have his good points and we had fun times the two of us. I guess a big part of me misses him. He wanted to keep in comms and we’ve talked a bit since the split. He’s been telling me he wants to give it another go. He said it’s not exactly me that he was frustrated with before, it’s more the people around me that annoy him
and he felt I should make better choices with who I am friends with and not look after my nieces and nephew so often.
Well - I’m torn between what I want to do but the biggest issue for me is literally all my friends as well as my sister are against me dating him again and several friends said they won’t hang out with me if he’s back in my life because he’s no good for me and they hated seeing me upset from the arguments with him plus knowing how cynical he is about them and others.
A few people think he is controlling and wants to isolate me from family and friends.
I’d be interested in outsiders opinions

OP posts:
PuggyInTheMuddle · 03/10/2023 17:43

No one who cared about you would tell you to spend less time with your beloved niece / nephews.

No one who had respect for you would be so disrespectful of your choice of friends.

No one with decency would say such horrible insulting things about other people (I presume your friends are perfectly normal nice people!)

He is a jealous controlling bully and he has targeted your lack of self esteem.

Your friends seem to be operating tough love and are on your side.

muddyford · 03/10/2023 17:46

A relation was involved with a pillock like this. After eight years she dumped him. He wouldn't meet the family or even go her home town, but stayed in his own, very affluent circle.

RedToothBrush · 03/10/2023 17:49

So he's abusive about others and wants to separate you from your mates and isolate you because he's unsociable. And your mates see right through him and that he's a tosser.

Run.

Stay single. This guy will ruin your life.

You know it but are more afraid of staying single.

Again. Run.

This guy is lit up like Blackpool illuminations.

LateMumma · 03/10/2023 17:52

I'd be asking myself why he wanted to isolate me from the people who care about me

Isheabastard · 03/10/2023 17:54

I think the bad points out weigh the good.

But more importantly if you did start seeing him again, I think history would repeat itself or worse, he would break you.

Those are terrible things to say about your friends. Even if he thought it, you just don’t say it. But he wants you to think like him, so he’ll be on your case until it’s easier for you to just give in.

You probably think you can handle it, and maybe you can for a year or so. But he just wants you to be his echo not a real person with her own likes, dislikes and opinions.

Take it from someone who’s had a similar experience.

Mom2K · 03/10/2023 17:58

I don't understand why you chose to even stay in contact with him after the breakup. You wanting him back is incomprehensible. He is everything your friends said. Try to examine why you would allow yourself to be in a relationship where you are treated so poorly and recognize that you deserve better.

Crabwoman · 03/10/2023 18:00

He sounds vile with absolutely no redeeming features at all.

I'd be interested in hearing what his ex-wife and son 'he doesn't see very often' story is.

Millybob · 03/10/2023 18:05

Of course you should make better choices about who you're friends with. You should dump him.
And for future reference, people who are well-educated usually have a vocabulary that can contrive better insults than 'dumb as dog shit.'
Nobody likes this man. Nobody wants to associate you if you're with him. That's because they don't want to breathe the same air as him.
Doesn't that tell you something?

Rockandrollfangirl · 03/10/2023 18:15

Your low self esteem will become no self esteem if you get back with this nob.
Tell him to fuck off

Takeabreather23 · 03/10/2023 18:22

DivingForLove · 03/10/2023 13:25

There are so many red flags here - I would run for the hills, sorry 😞.

This!

Universalsnail · 03/10/2023 18:39

Listen to your friends this man sounds like a trashcan. No idea why you are contemplating going back to him

Daleksatemyshed · 03/10/2023 19:43

Firstly, well done on breaking up with him, you don't need someone in your life who causes you extra stress. I wonder if the real reason he's so critical about everyone else isn't so much about other people being unworthy in his eyes but about his own insecurities, quite often I've found that the hypercritical people are very unsure of themselves deep down. Are your friends and family less educated/weathy but happy in themselves and that's a confidence he doesn't have? He's judging others by the few things he thinks he has that make him a worthwhile person,he keeps to a select circle who bolster the things he thinks are important. I'd say your friends are right, he's not a person whose going to add anything worthwhile to your life, what makes a person valuable is not money or things.

Jhvnnoo0008889837373 · 03/10/2023 19:52

He’s abusive and is trying to isolate you. The people you have in your life your friends and family- love you and want to protect you.
Please don’t go back to this person he will wear you down and erode your self esteem and self worth and you won’t have anybody in your life if you push out everyone to please him. He sounds awful btw in fact absolutely vile.

Original poster
Moohana86 · 04/10/2023 02:05

Definitely overwhelming support here to not open that door again

OP posts:
chickstock · 04/10/2023 02:08

SamW98 · 03/10/2023 13:29

He’s a cunt - is that clear enough an opinion?

I second this.

Weatherwax13 · 04/10/2023 02:11

Jesus, OP, your friends must feel like banging their heads against a brick wall. Have a think about why you'd even entertain the thought of getting back with such a nasty bloke.

Duckingella · 04/10/2023 02:23

Divorced you say?

Mmmmm........I wonder why?; his ex wife has had the luckiest escape;follow her example.

Original poster
Moohana86 · 04/10/2023 02:26

Not going to give it another try!!

OP posts:
Duckingella · 04/10/2023 02:28

Moohana86 · 04/10/2023 02:26

Not going to give it another try!!

Wise decision OP;bravo!

Honestly don't give him on love;there is a lovely man out there who's right for you;you just haven't met him yet.

Weatherwax13 · 04/10/2023 02:37

Good for you, OP. You deserve better

MinceAndTatties · 04/10/2023 02:40

Moohana, I hope you find love but this description sounds so very far away from it. You deserve better.

Good luck

GodDammitCecil · 04/10/2023 02:43

Keep yourself open for someone half way decent.

I can’t believe you thought anyone would respond to this thread to say give it a go with this guy… Confused

Shortpoet · 04/10/2023 02:46

He is not good enough for you.

Please read that sentence a few times and really think about what that means.

He thinks he is above everyone, but he is not.

His education and business brain are shit because he hasn’t learned the basics of being a decent person who how relationships work. The point of a relationship is to love and cherish and uplift the person you are with. With all his education and smarts, he does not understand this. Or if he does understand it, he doesn’t care. He is not good enough for you.

I know some super intelligent people and they are kind and gentle. His “Im so clever” and that makes be better is ridiculous.

He is not good enough for you. You deserve better.

RedToothBrush · 04/10/2023 04:13

Moohana86 · 04/10/2023 02:26

Not going to give it another try!!

And you will be blocking his number and all other social media contacts to prevent even being a teeny bit tempted from letting him get inside your head?

Surround yourself with good voices not ones that amplify the shit.

EtiennePalmiere · 04/10/2023 04:17

Gutter trash? Who says that?? Anyways, you don't need strangers' opinions if your friends and family, and his own wife and son, all agree he should be avoided. However, since you asked yes he's horrible and will continue to be horrible.

Saw your update, well done !