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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friends Will Disown Me if I Date Him Again

267 replies

Moohana86 · 03/10/2023 13:23

Hi All

This is my first time posting on MN and I was apprehensive about it but here goes.

Im 37, never been married. Was engaged once but it wasn’t meant to be. No kids. I have had lots of involvement with my nieces and nephews though which is great.
Anyway I was dating a guy for nearly two years. He’s now 45 and divorced, one son who is nearly 20 but at university and doesn’t see him much.
I broke it off close on a year ago and just staying single. We never lived together but I spent a lot of time with him. He is a half hour drive away.
My mates can’t stand him because yes he’s very well educated and smart and sensible and a good business brain on him
but he’s always right. He’s a my way or highway guy and very stubborn. He doesn’t like doing anything that involves my friends or their partners. He’s quite judgmental and opinionated and kind of a snob only wanting to keep to his circle which is very small. He’s not a big social person at all. He has made comments that friends of mine are dumb as dog shit or gutter trash or beneath him. He criticises some of my family. He criticises me for a lot of things and would get frustrated that I wasnt listening to him on areas I need to change. He dislikes my nieces and nephews being around if he’s with me and has zero patience or interest in them. He criticises my work and compares my income to his and how many hours he works. He is very impatient and gets snappy fast and can let loose with verbal abuse of swearing at me and running me down which he won’t apologise for as it’s my fault apparently. He’s not the type to go out his comfort zone or compromise and doesn’t have a romantic bone. In the near 2 years there were no flowers or gifts or dinners. He is more a practical man.
We were arguing a lot and I felt like he was more critical of me than supportive and if I wasn’t valued I should leave.
He does have his good points and we had fun times the two of us. I guess a big part of me misses him. He wanted to keep in comms and we’ve talked a bit since the split. He’s been telling me he wants to give it another go. He said it’s not exactly me that he was frustrated with before, it’s more the people around me that annoy him
and he felt I should make better choices with who I am friends with and not look after my nieces and nephew so often.
Well - I’m torn between what I want to do but the biggest issue for me is literally all my friends as well as my sister are against me dating him again and several friends said they won’t hang out with me if he’s back in my life because he’s no good for me and they hated seeing me upset from the arguments with him plus knowing how cynical he is about them and others.
A few people think he is controlling and wants to isolate me from family and friends.
I’d be interested in outsiders opinions

OP posts:
Gillypie23 · 03/10/2023 14:58

Find a new man. This guy is vile. You deserve better

openallday · 03/10/2023 15:02

Id rather be single

skyeisthelimit · 03/10/2023 15:37

OP, his bad points far outweigh his good points.

I would rather be single for life than be with a man like that. He treats you like you are beneath him, wants you to change your personality to suit him and wants to cut off your family and friends.

Please please do not get back together with him.

YokoOnosBigHat · 03/10/2023 15:39

the biggest issue for me is literally all my friends as well as my sister are against me dating him again and several friends said they won’t hang out with me if he’s back in my life

I can't imagine why, he sounds charming.

buckeejit · 03/10/2023 15:49

Run away, he's horrid

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 03/10/2023 15:56

I don't understand what you want? You recognise how horrible he is about your family and friends, and because now he paints it as if that's a good thing because you're worth so much more than them, you're willing to give it a go, even though in the next breath you say you won't give up your family and friends?

He isn't compatible with a happy life full of loving friends and family, because he's too selfish and he expects you to fill the woman shaped hole in his life and will force you into that shape until you are a shadow of your former self.

Whataretheodds · 03/10/2023 15:56

Take the list of 'good points' and ask if yourself if you really think he's the only man of the right age group within 100 miles who could offer those things. I agree with PP that providing for his son doesn't make him good it just makes him not-shit on that particular point.
Of course you miss a companion, physical intimacy, having a plus one for things, etc. It's normal to want that and miss it. But it's available widely.

Read your posts back: what would you advise a dear friend of yours to do?

AFieldGuideToTrees · 03/10/2023 15:58

Moohana86 · 03/10/2023 14:16

I appreciate everyone’s answers. I do have low esteem so even though ppl want to throttle me, I do get into bad head space due to the confidence issues

Start sorting this out, OP, otherwise you'll never free yourself of wondering if truly awful men are okay.

wildwestpioneer · 03/10/2023 16:02

I'm with your friends in this one

SamW98 · 03/10/2023 16:02

Moohana86 · 03/10/2023 14:16

I appreciate everyone’s answers. I do have low esteem so even though ppl want to throttle me, I do get into bad head space due to the confidence issues

And he knows you have low self esteem so he uses that to manipulate and control you and make you doubt yourself.

This man will continue to chip away at you until you’re a broken shell of a human who has no one but him and he’ll continue to treat you like shit until he’s bored and then he’ll throw you into the gutter without a backwards glance.

Sorry if that’s harsh OP and I don’t want to upset you but that’s the reality of life with this prick.

Listen to your friends and family and kick this loser to the kerb.

Newestname002 · 03/10/2023 16:03

@Moohana86

Please please listen to your sensible friends and your family and don't touch this man with several barge poles. Why on Earth would you devalue yourself so much, and have a relationship with someone who batters you and your relationships verbally and who has no respect for you. His few good points are nowhere enough to get involved with him again.

I suggest you read your opening post aloud and record what you read on your phone. Play it back over and over so you can actually hear what you are saying and how you're being treated so when you're feeling weak you can listen to all the good reasons to stay well away from this person. He is not good for you. nor anyone else.

You might also consider having some professional 1:1 counselling to see why you think so little of yourself you'd bind yourself to anyone like this. 🌹

Grumpusaurus · 03/10/2023 16:03

Feck me, you would be extraordinarily idiotic to go back to that! Please do not be that pathetic.

Lemondrizzleandacuppa · 03/10/2023 16:06

A partner should enhance your life, not fuck it up. Nothing you’ve said about this man sounds like he was a good partner for you.

Sayitaintso33 · 03/10/2023 16:07

Bananalanacake · 03/10/2023 13:27

Never stay in a relationship with someone who swears at you, they obviously don't love you.

I once behaved very badly towards someone who I loved dearly and I was sworn at. It was my fault entirely.

It is far worse to behave like a cunt than to be called a cunt for behaving like one.

Mmhmmn · 03/10/2023 16:08

randomrandom · 03/10/2023 14:39

Just going to leave this here....

This is perfect.

1month · 03/10/2023 16:11

You should always have your own opinions but if everyone is telling you the same thing, then they’re probably right and you should listen.

AuntMarch · 03/10/2023 16:12

How can you write all that about someone and actually be considering keeping them in your life full stop, let alone as a partner. Jesus fucking Christ!

1month · 03/10/2023 16:12

SleepingStandingUp · 03/10/2023 13:57

Omg he's literally painted himself red, wrapped himself in a big red flag and rolled himself in pink glitter and you're STILL contemplating going back.

You've listed a million things about how he criticises you and puts you down and wants you to dump your friends and family.

Even now, no relationship involved, he's CRITICISING you - "it's not you, it's just all the decisions you make are wrong"

PLEASE bin him off and look at getting some sort of therapy because you clearly don't like yourself very much and feel it's ok to be treated like shit as long as someone is lying next to you at night

I completely agree!

seaworld777 · 03/10/2023 16:26

Why waste your precious life on someone as awful. Your emotional wellbeing will suffer, you'll be constantly stressed and torn between this person and family/friends. There will be no joy.
It just sounds impossible to have a good happy life with a person like that.

Coyoacan · 03/10/2023 16:40

So his son and mother are worthy of love and attention but your family and friends deserve to be cut off. No wonder your friends will drop you if subscribe to his opinions

Escapingafter50years · 03/10/2023 16:43

"he wants to give it another go. He said it’s not exactly me that he was frustrated with before, it’s more the people around me that annoy him
and he felt I should make better choices with who I am friends with and not look after my nieces and nephew so often."

He has absolutely confirmed here that he does not intend to change. Because he doesn't think it's him, it's everyone else who isn't good enough (including you). Unbelievable but there you go.

Your choice is to do exactly what he wants, become alienated from those you love and who love you, or to leave him. There is nothing in between.

What happened in your earlier years that you would even consider settling for someone so controlling? I'd suggest you try to get some counselling to see how you can work on yourself. You do not deserve to be with this awful man, you deserve much better. Sounds like you have good friends, listen to them.

Dogfureverywhere · 03/10/2023 16:59

What happiness does he really bring to your life? Better to be looking elsewhere than be with this controlling nasty guy.

WaitingForSunnyDays · 03/10/2023 17:25

"He criticises me for a lot of things and would get frustrated that I wasnt listening to him on areas I need to change. "
This was the sentence that stood out for me(among all the other red flags). You've said you have very low self esteem, and from the way you wrote this it sounds like you believed what he was telling you. Please don't. He is just trying to mould you into the woman he wants you to be, not liking you for yourself. We all have parts of our personality or habits we could improve, but a good partner isn't going to talk to you like this. I imagine I'd you told him the "areas he needed to change" he wouldn't accept any of them and would get angry that you criticised him and that's a hugely imbalanced relationship.

BMW6 · 03/10/2023 17:34

OP none of us on here know you nor actually truly care about your life - why would we?

Your family and friends DO know you - they DO love you and truly care about your life and happiness.

You want people here to tell you to crack on with him? OK, I will. Throw your lot in with him and best of luck.

You won't have or need anyone else but him. Wonderful.

Saschka · 03/10/2023 17:37

He works very hard. He takes good care of his mother who is widowed. He provides above and beyond for his son. He coaches boys rugby voluntarily. He keeps fit and healthy. He can have a great sense of humor. Very domesticated and never expected me to cook and clean for him

You know Hitler loved his dog as well, right? Didn’t make him a nice person overall.