Friends Will Disown Me if I Date Him Again

[Moohana86]

Hi All

This is my first time posting on MN and I was apprehensive about it but here goes.

Im 37, never been married. Was engaged once but it wasn’t meant to be. No kids. I have had lots of involvement with my nieces and nephews though which is great.
Anyway I was dating a guy for nearly two years. He’s now 45 and divorced, one son who is nearly 20 but at university and doesn’t see him much.
I broke it off close on a year ago and just staying single. We never lived together but I spent a lot of time with him. He is a half hour drive away.
My mates can’t stand him because yes he’s very well educated and smart and sensible and a good business brain on him
but he’s always right. He’s a my way or highway guy and very stubborn. He doesn’t like doing anything that involves my friends or their partners. He’s quite judgmental and opinionated and kind of a snob only wanting to keep to his circle which is very small. He’s not a big social person at all. He has made comments that friends of mine are dumb as dog shit or gutter trash or beneath him. He criticises some of my family. He criticises me for a lot of things and would get frustrated that I wasnt listening to him on areas I need to change. He dislikes my nieces and nephews being around if he’s with me and has zero patience or interest in them. He criticises my work and compares my income to his and how many hours he works. He is very impatient and gets snappy fast and can let loose with verbal abuse of swearing at me and running me down which he won’t apologise for as it’s my fault apparently. He’s not the type to go out his comfort zone or compromise and doesn’t have a romantic bone. In the near 2 years there were no flowers or gifts or dinners. He is more a practical man.
We were arguing a lot and I felt like he was more critical of me than supportive and if I wasn’t valued I should leave.
He does have his good points and we had fun times the two of us. I guess a big part of me misses him. He wanted to keep in comms and we’ve talked a bit since the split. He’s been telling me he wants to give it another go. He said it’s not exactly me that he was frustrated with before, it’s more the people around me that annoy him
and he felt I should make better choices with who I am friends with and not look after my nieces and nephew so often.
Well - I’m torn between what I want to do but the biggest issue for me is literally all my friends as well as my sister are against me dating him again and several friends said they won’t hang out with me if he’s back in my life because he’s no good for me and they hated seeing me upset from the arguments with him plus knowing how cynical he is about them and others.
A few people think he is controlling and wants to isolate me from family and friends.
I’d be interested in outsiders opinions

That really doesn't surprise me!!

You have to realise that for him, he will always be the centre of his own universe and everything else is only there to serve/benefit him. He really doesn't know HOW to love like a reasonable human being.

Narcs - They don't see others needs and feelings as "real". The only thing that matters to him, is him. So your friend's need for a break didn't matter, because all he wanted was your attention solely on him. Your orgasm doesn't matter, because all that matters (to him) is his pleasure. Your family and friends don't matter because he doesn't want you listening to anyone else except him.

Stay strong and delete him from your life.

Actually at the point I broke up with him ten months ago, for me the final straw was he had spoken to me about a 10 day tour through a few places in Asia over Christmas. He knew I was keen. Next thing he tells me he’s going with his best mate from school. I was so upset. Why ask me if I’d like to go on a holiday together, I say yes, nothing further is mentioned by him until I’m told he’s going with someone else. I was visibly upset and he just told me I didn’t make enough effort to show enthusiasm when first offered. So I don’t know if this is an example of narcissism or it’s me being selfish because he should be allowed to holiday with his mates

Have you separated from him yet?

Are you scared of starting again rather than missing him? I felt like this with a friend going back to her cheating ex, who even stole loads of her money via stealing her pin. Ultimately the heart wants what it wants but I think you need to look at yourself and think about why you feel you don't deserve better than this.

We split up ten months ago
We never lived together. My whole thread has been about him wanting me back as in dating again

You're well rid of him OP 💐

OP, he is utterly and completely vile.

Be glad your sister and friends are spelling it out to you.

I wouldn't want you around my children either if your judgement was so poor as to want to be involved in a relationship again with someone so ugly.

Get counselling asap to build up your self confidence and do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk too.

Be grateful you have people around you who care enough about you.

Come on OP, this man could solve world peace, world hunger and cure every disease on the planet and he'd still be a knob.

Instead, the only positives you can list is that he can have a good sense of humour, and sometimes you can have fun with him. Oh, and he cleans up after himself. You could lift up a rock and find a better prospect than this guy.

Your family hate him, your friends hate him, he'll everyone on here hates him and we only know the rose tinted version of him that you've described to us.

Ask yourself why you can't see what everyone else does. Try doing the freedom program, or getting some therapy to unpick it.

You did the right thing in ditching him in the first place, don't bollocks it up now.

@Bobbotgegrinch

The OP said ages ago that she has ruled out going back with him, so why are you telling her off?

So he's all of these terrible things and in order to win you back he's telling you he just needs a bit more control and a bit less of you seeing people you like?

Youre away from him and you're wearing rose tinted glasses....maybe? Not sure as your list of negatives is huge.

No man is worth all that misery just date someone else or stay single

Due to my confidence issues I can be a pain in the arse with being insecure and possibly too clingy in a man’s opinion.
I do agree I should stay single and work on my confidence because everyone here is unanimous that he’s not a decent man at all and I couldn’t really see it. Plus there’s things I haven’t mentioned which in all reality would make him a worse person

From experience don't get involved with someone like this, it's absolute hell if you get tied down. If you are already suffering from low self esteem anyway, you are a prime target it's what they want, a doormat, someone they can mould into whoever they want.

He's not as intelligent as he seems, he's literally telling you exactly what he intends to do should you continue. Isolate you from all your friends and family. Once that happens, it gets a lot worse.

They are intelligent yet very unintelligent at times, blinded by their own self centerdd superiority complex.

Please do not trust this man, he is not genuine, you can do so much better.

It definitely is hard to be with someone who praises you one day and then tears you down the next. You never know your actual worth or where you stand. Leads to a lot of insecurities

@Moohana86

It's a shame about your self-confidence, because you sound like an absolute catch for any right-thinking man

Glad you are not getting back with him. Your friends are right.

Why would you want to be with someone who criticises you, criticises your family, criticises your friends, tells you off if you’re not listening to how you should change, is verbally abusive, controlling and selfish in bed?!!!

Leave him behind for good and find someone worthy of you.

It may not seem like it and those are just his ways and how he is but it's more than that under the surface. To me it's signs of abusive behavior and reminds me of my marriage that I've not long come out of.

There are periods where you are okay, things are nice and you share moments that feel good like you have a connection. However, a relationship shouldn't be like that, you should be able to be yourself, see your family and friends without being made to feel bad or inferior by doing so.

It's a cycle of good and bad and it strips your self esteem and autonomy, even worse if it was already low. A part of you is saying this isn't right but the other is saying it's what you need. You become hooked, addicted on that cycle and it becomes normal, the good feels amazing because it's not as low as the bad but it's not normal, far from it.

You eventually become someone else, conditioned to be a particular way, adjusting your social circles, family all to raise the odds of good times. It's futile though because you can never win, the goal posts change it's a setup for failure, you will always be inferior a constantly trying to adapt to impossible standards.

Find someone who likes you for who you are, this guy isn't it.

Which is EXACTLY why an abuser behaves in such a way.

The very last thing that they want is a confident, secure victim who will see how utterly vile and ugly they are.

It takes energy and determination to be vile to a person.

Remember that.

Abusive people choose to live a negative, ugly life where they bring absolutely nothing of any value to those around them.

They choose to be that way.

Their moments of niceness are purely because they need to keep their victims as confused as possible so as to control them.

The very first time anyone you are seeing says anything nasty or unpleasant to you, that attempts to bring you down, is when you should walk away.

Unfortunately so many women try to explain away a really rude unpleasant remark and are confused by it, rather than saying oh oh, arsehole alert.

So much pain and wasted time could be saved by this simple rule.

Anyone who genuinely likes you and wants to be with you, wouldn't dream of saying anything to put you down and try to make you feel insecure.

A fxxked up person definitely will.

It really is that simple IMO.

I am really sorry for you and other posters who have had bad marriages or relationships. I hope you go on to have someone show you proper respect and care!
I have told this guy I don’t want to give it another try and it’s best we stop talking. He was quite offended and made out that it’s harsh not even wanting to talk to him, why am I making him out to be a villain.
Last words were ‘ok goodbye then’ - hung up phone and I guess that’s the end of that.

Well done for staying strong, that can't have been easy for you. I hope you take up the counselling and spend some time working on your self esteem. You've got this!

Well done for standing strong. What you will find is these types do not like someone with an opinion of their own or a backbone. As soon as you voice your opinion or shine a light onto their behavior, they see it as an attack and DARVO you.

That's what he's done there, instead of being understanding that you are a person with an opinion and can make your own choices, he's shifted the blame back to you and got the last word in. It's to make you feel bad, guilty and anxious while justifying he is correct and not to blame.

Yes well when asking me to date again, he was throwing in hints of going away somewhere nice to reconnect. He let me down with this once before so I don’t trust him, but maybe feels I’m ungrateful saying no contact after what he offered.

I value everyone’s input.

Well done OP. I am fairly sure he will be back to argue with you though because his ego will be bruised by you not wanting to be with him. Please brace yourself for either a charm offensive, or a sudden illness, or text abuse - all are possible.

Tactics for replies:
Charm offensive - answer in short, disinterested replies and he might get bored.
Sudden illness - tell him to call an ambulance if relevant and say you hope he feels better soon, then hang up.
Text abuse - send one message saying you do not wish to hear from him any more and that future messages will be passed on to the police if he persists. Then ignore.

Good luck!

Absolutely this.

There is every chance he will try to make contact again and push you to meet up.

His ego will hate your strength and resolve and he will want to dismantle it.

Well done OP.

Well handled.

It's a game @Moohana86. It's a control thin. He will offer you the earth to prove to himself he cab have you whenever he wants. He doesn't want you. He doesn't care for you. He doesn't even like you. This is not love. This is about control. You are slipping away and he is reeling you back in. He's an abuser. No good will come out if contact. Besides with "friends/ lovers" like this who needs enemies.