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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friends Will Disown Me if I Date Him Again

267 replies

Moohana86 · 03/10/2023 13:23

Hi All

This is my first time posting on MN and I was apprehensive about it but here goes.

Im 37, never been married. Was engaged once but it wasn’t meant to be. No kids. I have had lots of involvement with my nieces and nephews though which is great.
Anyway I was dating a guy for nearly two years. He’s now 45 and divorced, one son who is nearly 20 but at university and doesn’t see him much.
I broke it off close on a year ago and just staying single. We never lived together but I spent a lot of time with him. He is a half hour drive away.
My mates can’t stand him because yes he’s very well educated and smart and sensible and a good business brain on him
but he’s always right. He’s a my way or highway guy and very stubborn. He doesn’t like doing anything that involves my friends or their partners. He’s quite judgmental and opinionated and kind of a snob only wanting to keep to his circle which is very small. He’s not a big social person at all. He has made comments that friends of mine are dumb as dog shit or gutter trash or beneath him. He criticises some of my family. He criticises me for a lot of things and would get frustrated that I wasnt listening to him on areas I need to change. He dislikes my nieces and nephews being around if he’s with me and has zero patience or interest in them. He criticises my work and compares my income to his and how many hours he works. He is very impatient and gets snappy fast and can let loose with verbal abuse of swearing at me and running me down which he won’t apologise for as it’s my fault apparently. He’s not the type to go out his comfort zone or compromise and doesn’t have a romantic bone. In the near 2 years there were no flowers or gifts or dinners. He is more a practical man.
We were arguing a lot and I felt like he was more critical of me than supportive and if I wasn’t valued I should leave.
He does have his good points and we had fun times the two of us. I guess a big part of me misses him. He wanted to keep in comms and we’ve talked a bit since the split. He’s been telling me he wants to give it another go. He said it’s not exactly me that he was frustrated with before, it’s more the people around me that annoy him
and he felt I should make better choices with who I am friends with and not look after my nieces and nephew so often.
Well - I’m torn between what I want to do but the biggest issue for me is literally all my friends as well as my sister are against me dating him again and several friends said they won’t hang out with me if he’s back in my life because he’s no good for me and they hated seeing me upset from the arguments with him plus knowing how cynical he is about them and others.
A few people think he is controlling and wants to isolate me from family and friends.
I’d be interested in outsiders opinions

OP posts:

WowOK · 08/10/2023 18:22

HalebiHabibti · 08/10/2023 15:38

Well done OP. I am fairly sure he will be back to argue with you though because his ego will be bruised by you not wanting to be with him. Please brace yourself for either a charm offensive, or a sudden illness, or text abuse - all are possible.

Tactics for replies:
Charm offensive - answer in short, disinterested replies and he might get bored.
Sudden illness - tell him to call an ambulance if relevant and say you hope he feels better soon, then hang up.
Text abuse - send one message saying you do not wish to hear from him any more and that future messages will be passed on to the police if he persists. Then ignore.

Good luck!

Don't forget the suicide threats.

HalebiHabibti · 08/10/2023 18:55

Alas, yes to the suicide threats (they are filed under Sudden Illness in my book). Call him an ambulance if really worried, then ignore.

Peachy2005 · 08/10/2023 20:48

Well done @Moohana86 but you actually need to block him or it’s not over. I hear all kinds of excuses from (female) friends about why they won’t block their awful exes - I don’t want to behave like a teenager, I still care for him as a friend, what if there’s an emergency etc etc. If they don’t actually block, I don’t believe it’s over as they can get sucked back into contact at any time.

Original poster

Moohana86 · 09/10/2023 02:19

I have blocked. Admittedly I felt a twinge of guilt like I’m a bitch but I know with my personality I’d get sucked in again and don’t want to lose family and friends or spend half my life in conflict

OP posts:

ElleCapitaine · 09/10/2023 06:04

Well done, OP. Nobody deserves too a controlling crap shag in their life.

Mumof3confused · 09/10/2023 06:19

Don’t even think about it. You need to remove this man from your life. Block his number and get into therapy asap.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/10/2023 08:48

Well done for blocking him. He will be just fine. He’s probably got another victim lined up unfortunately… or maybe several… including his exes.

Ansjovis · 09/10/2023 09:17

Moohana86 · 09/10/2023 02:19

Every person has the absolute right to set their own boundaries relating to how they wish to relate to other people. Deciding to stop engaging with a person who brings toxicity into your life is a valid boundary. You've made a great decision to safeguard your mental health and I do hope that the guilt subsides because once you get used to this there are no end to the benefits that will be yours.

Original poster

Moohana86 · 10/10/2023 10:40

I do appreciate this and everyone’s posts. My esteem really took a hit after my last serious relationship ended and then I was on my own a while. I have not dated much but this guy I’m posting about has had a lot more dating experience and I guess plenty hook ups so had a way of making me feel that he was right and I was wrong because I’m inexperienced compared to him. Plus he’s older.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 10/10/2023 12:06

Well done OP for valuing yourself.

purplecorkheart · 10/10/2023 12:12

He has a lot more dating experience than you because he is vile, a control freak and quite frankly a prick, Women run far far away from him once they spend any time with him so he is constantly dating to find a new victim.

Can't you see that he wants to isolated you from your friends and family and then the only opinions you are allowed are his,

Run as far as you can from him. Keep him blocked.

Original poster

Moohana86 · 10/10/2023 12:28

I’m sure you’re right even though he claimed he doesn’t need anyone, he’s fine alone.
To be honest from this thread, I’m more concerned with myself now in terms of every single person has posted he’s vile, run, disengage and stop contact. And that’s just based on a few facts about him and my time dating him yet I could not see it. I had niggles and had broken up with him but never saw the red flags to the extent outsiders are seeing them. I accepted and normalised most things, even blaming myself

OP posts:

Catsafterme · 10/10/2023 12:40

That's what happens when you're in it and if your self esteem is shot. I spent over a decade minimizing and excusing behavior and it's taken months of distance to see how bad it actually was.

You'll be fine, just look for it in the future. If someone actually loves and cares about you, there shouldn't be any questionable behavior or friction.

SamW98 · 10/10/2023 12:40

OP please don’t blame yourself in any way. These narcissists operate in a sly manipulative way so they very slowly draw you in and they know exactly what they’re doing.
Google gaslighting and you’ll understand how they deliberately mess with your head making you doubt and blame yourself. And deflection is one of their main tactics turning everything they do back on you.

I agree with other PP’s that some counselling will help you understand yourself and your self esteem.

You’ve made biggest step by saying no to him - stay strong

Original poster

Moohana86 · 10/10/2023 13:05

Wow over ten years is a long time. It must’ve affected you a lot mentally and emotionally. What steps are you taking to be strong?

OP posts:

Catsafterme · 10/10/2023 13:28

Moohana86 · 10/10/2023 13:05

Wow over ten years is a long time. It must’ve affected you a lot mentally and emotionally. What steps are you taking to be strong?

Well right now it's hard because my wife is isolating our children from me and the entire family, I've not seen or spoken to them in six months as she's taken full control. I'm also recovering from a neurological disorder that I've been suffering for years, which has now mysteriously improved since I've been away. Finally saw specialist for rehab yesterday who said in the majority of patients, psychological trauma is the leading cause, specifically abuse.

I'm trying to hold on for the children and also recover but I'm knee deep in legal battles and court at the same time which is exhausting and now SS, MASH and other third parties are coming into it as they are at risk. So, the children are the only thing keeping me strong right now I have to rebuild for their sake.

This is the result of being with a narcissist who's also fairly delusional for a very long time. Ground me down, the entire family too and our children, taken my health and if that wasn't enough taken everything we own and the children too.

There is no low to these people, stay very far away from them.

Bobbotgegrinch · 10/10/2023 14:43

Moohana86 · 10/10/2023 12:28

The thing is that you're stood in the middle of it.

Think of yourself stood in the middle of a giant painting on the ground, from your perspective you can't see what the hell it's a painting of, but we're all outside of it, up in a helicopter where we've got some distance of it

You have the day to day of it, you see the good bits of the relationship, and when youre in a good bit you think that maybe it's not so bad, that you can put up with the bad bits.

Sometimes it takes an outside perspective to go "No, this is never OK, no matter what else is going on"

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