What the fuck do I do about H treating my son like this?

[whatthefuckdoIdoaboutmyH]

My H does love his children,.. He also has autism. And, bluntly, the iteration of autism in him is a toxic combination when it comes to being a parent. He has very, very little mindsight, a very rigid and inflexible approach, a strong belief he is right, no apparent ability to learn from his mistakes, largely because he never admits to making a mistake in the first place. He also has extremely poor emotional regulation. It doesn't matter how bad things get in his relationship, with me or now with his children, it is always someone else who is the problem. Nothing, NOTHING, makes his reflect that perhaps his behaviour is contributing to the problem.

My eldest son (older junior school age) has real eating problems and always has. He has failed to grow and is now the size of a child 3 /4 years younger than him. He has been seeing a paediatrician about this and is now on the waiting list for another. Everyone we have seen about his eating throughout his life, paediatrican, paediatric dietician, health visitor, everyone, has said the same, ' 'Don't make mealtimes stressful.' My son seems to just not be interested in food, and very out of touch with his appetite. He is prepared to be hungry rather than eat. I suspect he has a baseline of usually being hungry and so does not really notice he is, as well as a small stomach from chronic undereating. He is also very sensory sensitive, which probably does not help. He has never had a hungry phase related to a growth spurt and he has never had a growth spurt. He has never shown interest in what anyone else is eating. His diet is limited but he does eat a range of foods from all major food groups.

His Dad's strategy is to make food and then become very angry if he does not eat it. I have just had to go downstairs to intervene as my son was screaming at the top of his voice, ' Get off me! Get off me! Get off me!' as his Dad was trying to physical restrain him in his seat, whilst yelling at our son to eat. When I speak to his Dad about this he claims he is not making mealtimes stressful. If my son isn't eating he will become angry and start yelling about all the work he put in, start yelling about how he needs to eat and just go on and on. He will then insist he is not making mealtimes stressful. I have shown him a thread on here from people who said their parents were like this and the terrible effect it had on them, but I doubt he even remembers me showing him that. He never remembers anything that doesn't shore up his own narrative.

Nothing makes a difference to his Dad's approach.

I would be telling him to leave. This is unacceptable behaviour, autism or not, and will be harming your son in ways over and above his eating issues.

On a separate note, have you considered that your son's food issues could be related to him being neurodiverse also?

He's being physically, mentally and emotionally abusive to your child. Protect your child by leaving and divorcing this man and seeking as much custody as possible due to his abusive behaviour.

Your son may also have additional needs too or you may find he starts to eat better when he is less upset and anxious being away from his abusive father.

Protect your kid(s). It doesn't matter really what the cause is (autism or just being a weaker) - the outcome will be the same - traumatised kids who will have life long issues from his behaviour.

Your husband won’t and can’t change. The only solution is to split.

Please stand up for your son. Similar happened to me when I was about 10 I couldn't eat what was on the plate and was sick on the plate my step dad mixed my sick and food together and tried forcing me to eat it and said I wasn't leaving the table until I did. I had to run under the table to my mum upstairs and nothing was ever done about. I still think about it daily. Please don't let this carry on for him.

He needs to leave as he is unable to stop abusing your son.

Your H is very unlikely to change and waiting for him to change has a huge price, which your son will pay for. Stop with the handwringing and prioritise your child. Separate mealtimes from your H should be your very first step.

You leave your husband

We eat separately in the week but H cooks food at weekends.

One of the things that stops me from leaving is the fact that my children would have to spend time alone with their Father. He would absolutely want 50/50 and is quite likely to get primary custody as he would be able to afford living here, and keeping the children in their school and community. Whereas I would be dragging them into insecure, overcrowded accommodation in some deprived part of the county we live in.

Living with a man this rigid and harsh is not good for you or your son. It sounds like he was never going to be capable of being a good parent. Tbh given his traits you describe, I wonder how you stayed with him even before you had a child.

Autism is not a convenient excuse for physical abuse.
He needs to leave and be prevented access to your poor child unsupervised going forward

This. All of this

I have experience of a son with eating development just the same as you son. From baby to age 12 he had very little interest in food and I was worried. He was small for his age, very slim and looked tired.
I spent years and years giving him plates of small cut up stuff to snack on (apple, tomato, cheese, ham) and always gave him very small plates of dinner so he could finish it and feel good about himself. I just had to be patient, it was hard especially when eating with friends and their kids would wolf down big plates of food, it did upset me but I tried not to show it.

If he didn't eat his whole meal he still had pudding - even though some peole frowned on it but I just wanted the calories to go in! No scalding or pressurising. Just providing healthy food to pick at when he fancied it.

He is now almost 14, eats 2 or 3 dinners in one evening and he is growing fast and thriving!

Your husbands behaviour around your sons eating is appalling and could lead to a serious psychological aversion to food. I would say that from now on your H has nothing to do with your sons eating. Nothing.

I am also concerned that the constant highly stressed atmosphere that your H creates with all his neurotic tendencies could be the very thing making your son stressed and not wanting to eat. Anxiety is a huge appetite killer.

Perhaps it's time for your H to leave the home while he seeks some CBT and gets his own neuroses that affect everybody sorted. You may find your son relaxes once he's gone and begins to eat a little more.

It didn't show up in ways I recognised. Life was easy and good before we had kids. He adored me and showed it daily. We were happy. But he has been completely unable to adapt to having children and hasn't learnt how to parent.

People can say ' the solution is to leave' all they like. But all that will mean is that they spend more time alone with him, and very likely most of their time alone with him.

It doesn't matter how bad things get in his relationship, with me or now with his children, it is always someone else who is the problem. Nothing, NOTHING, makes his reflect that perhaps his behaviour is contributing to the problem.

I don't care if your DH has autism or MH or anything else. The above will make him an abusive and toxic partner/parent. You can't fix or change him so protect your children and kick him out.

I can't kick him out. I simply don't have that power, not legally, not anyway. Kicking him out is not within my gift.

He won't go if I tell him to. And I can't make him.

Not necessarily. Not if you can prove he is abusive to them.
At the very least, get some proper advice before condemning your child to this life. A good starting point might be Women’s Aid

Thank you for this post. This is helpful.

He needs to leave. I have awful memories of being made to sit at a table and eat food I didn't like. These things don't leave you, ever.

Would he respond to a rule such as him having nothing to do with food, cooking or meals for your son? Would it be easier if it was absolute? I just wonder if carving out separate safe space for your son could work.

I didn't mean immediately. But you need to start the discussion regarding separation/divorce.

You also need to start discussing your DH problem with your child's medical team as they can talk to your child and document your DHs behaviour regarding parenting which could help you with custody later on. Your eldest will also have a voice in family court and I doubt he will want visitation with his father. How old are the others?

If I was you start talking to your GP (mine helped me with my difficult marriage), your sons medical team, and womens aid and start making a plan. This time next year you could be well on your way to a peaceful and a stressfree life. Please start making those plans

I just typed a long reply but then mumsnet spontaneously reloaded and I lost my whole message. I have a similar experience and was only just crying about my dh’s relationship with my ds this morning because so much time has been wasted due to dh’ stubbornness.
my dh has adhd and ds has asd/adhd. I have fought long and hard to get dh to parent in a style appropriate to ND dc but it is very hard. Dh is so fixed in his black and white way of thinking. I have over many years or persisting despite massive resistance brought him slowly some way to my way of thinking and behaving towards dc. It can be done.

What a horrible situation for you to be in.

I can appreciate that this isn’t as simple as asking him to leave. If you do think that you need to separate I think you need to get clever and make plans.

Firstly I think you need to find a way to start documenting the abuse, reference his behaviour to professionals, get them to document it and the impact on your children. Could you consider then calling the police when he next physically hurts your son? You need to protect yourself so when you do split and it gets nasty, you have the proof to fall back on.

wishing you the best of luck

No wonder your poor DS has problems around eating. Your DH, whatever his personal diagnosis/excuses for his abusive behaviour, is a monster. I'd be separating and getting my DC away from his toxic presence. I can't see your DS getting any better while his father remains living in the house, abusing him.

This is awful, it’s abusive. What is his next plan, force feed him? He needs to leave.
I was the same as a child, not interested in food, I ate because I had to, not because I wanted to. Several hospital visits to get to the cause produced no diagnosis.. in the end on consultant said I was healthy, “ she’s just a skinny little object”.
No one forced me to eat. Coaxed, offered titbits yes but never forced.

He cannot be in the room when your son eats. No court will award him 50/50 when you detail the physical abuse.