What the fuck do I do about H treating my son like this?

[whatthefuckdoIdoaboutmyH]

My H does love his children,.. He also has autism. And, bluntly, the iteration of autism in him is a toxic combination when it comes to being a parent. He has very, very little mindsight, a very rigid and inflexible approach, a strong belief he is right, no apparent ability to learn from his mistakes, largely because he never admits to making a mistake in the first place. He also has extremely poor emotional regulation. It doesn't matter how bad things get in his relationship, with me or now with his children, it is always someone else who is the problem. Nothing, NOTHING, makes his reflect that perhaps his behaviour is contributing to the problem.

My eldest son (older junior school age) has real eating problems and always has. He has failed to grow and is now the size of a child 3 /4 years younger than him. He has been seeing a paediatrician about this and is now on the waiting list for another. Everyone we have seen about his eating throughout his life, paediatrican, paediatric dietician, health visitor, everyone, has said the same, ' 'Don't make mealtimes stressful.' My son seems to just not be interested in food, and very out of touch with his appetite. He is prepared to be hungry rather than eat. I suspect he has a baseline of usually being hungry and so does not really notice he is, as well as a small stomach from chronic undereating. He is also very sensory sensitive, which probably does not help. He has never had a hungry phase related to a growth spurt and he has never had a growth spurt. He has never shown interest in what anyone else is eating. His diet is limited but he does eat a range of foods from all major food groups.

His Dad's strategy is to make food and then become very angry if he does not eat it. I have just had to go downstairs to intervene as my son was screaming at the top of his voice, ' Get off me! Get off me! Get off me!' as his Dad was trying to physical restrain him in his seat, whilst yelling at our son to eat. When I speak to his Dad about this he claims he is not making mealtimes stressful. If my son isn't eating he will become angry and start yelling about all the work he put in, start yelling about how he needs to eat and just go on and on. He will then insist he is not making mealtimes stressful. I have shown him a thread on here from people who said their parents were like this and the terrible effect it had on them, but I doubt he even remembers me showing him that. He never remembers anything that doesn't shore up his own narrative.

Nothing makes a difference to his Dad's approach.

I think your son is autistic op. It's very common for autistic people to not feel hungry because of interception issues and sensory sensitivity in the mouth or throat. Every person who is autistic is different just because he is not like his father does not mean he isn't. Milk allergy/reflux also points to this.

Another thing to consider is coeliac disease. Even if the blood tests come back negative they are not always accurate. The milk reflux and aversion to food plus the poor growth screens coeliac to me. It is also very common in people who are autistic.

Not enough is known about why neurodiversity goes hand in hand with digestive issues and intolerance but it does.

A few questions to ask yourself, not to answer on here if you don't want:

Does your son have problems with going to the toilet?
Does he prefer hard crunchy food?
Is his hair, skin and nails healthy or brittle?
Does he often complain of tummy aches?
What are his motor skills like? Especially his oral motor, can he easily blow bubbles and form sounds well, does he prolong word endings or struggle with chewing for a long time?

The court might listen to your concerns about your DH 's behaviour towards the boy and its impact on him. They can restrict the time that DH spends with him or stipulate that visits are only allowed if supervised. It.might be wise to see a lawyer and see how you stand but I can't imagine anyone would grant 50/50 to a child being bullied in this way.

Sorry, I know I'm missing the point of the thread. Tests you did were?
CBC with diff?
celiac blood panel?
endoscopy?
barium swallow?
allergy testing?

I know how stressful it is when your kid won't eat, but obviously just saying "EAT! "EAT!" will not do any good. But the main job of children is to grow, I guess I'm a bit surprised the doctors didn't keep going until they had a cause? And I think I would feel a bit leery if they came up with a "this is behavioral" conclusion too quickly, because ultimately young animals are designed to be hungry, if you see what I mean. Like, in my son's case, what appeared to be a loss of appetite and general disinterest in eating was, in fact, on further investigation (barium swallow) due to dysphasia. He felt like the food was choking him going down, but being a silent male teen, he didn't perceive it that way,, because that would require insight, which he didn't have; instead, he just was like, "Nah, I'm not hungry, thanks." It wasn't until he saw a gastroenterologist who asked a lot of different questions that he was able to say, "Yeah, like it's sticking in my throat, how did you know that???"

@whatthefuckdoIdoaboutmyH if it was a milk allergy, surely you should have remove yoghurt, ice cream etc…from his diet too?

If the aim was to check for lactose intolerance, the only removing milk was making sense. Otherwise, I’m afraid your trial didn’t proven anything either way.

Well yeah, I don’t know if it will feel feasible when they are older. I guess I am imaging that as teenagers they will be able to stand up to him more and not stand for the nonsense. I don’t know if that will be the case.

Your answer to the problem of your husband's abusive and damaging behaviour towards your children is 'Maybe they'll stand up to him better when they're older'? It's yoir job to stand up to him for them. Now. They are children. Calling this behaviour 'nonsense' is minimising it.

And also the children will have learned that this behaviour is “normal”for a Dad.
What will happen when they chose a partner or have a family of their own?

Some questions, I don't think eldest has autism. I think he is like me, I am very sensory sensitive too. He doesn't really remind me of his Dad at all, quite the opposite. He's lovely!

But much of your DH’s behaviour is nothing to do with being autistic and everything to with being an arsehole, so DS not resembling him has nothing to do with whether he is on the spectrum.

Your grasp of ASD is infuriatingly entry level.

@whatthefuckdoIdoaboutmyH I can 100% understand why you don't want to take action. When I told a friend that I was thinking of leaving my husband, she sent me a link to a benefits calculator. She thought she was being supportive, but it sent me into a complete tailspin. We were a naice middle-class family - not the "kind of people" who claim benefits. I felt the same about involving social services (which I never did). What I realised, once I left my husband, was that children come to harm right across the social spectrum, and leaving someone who is doing wrong by your children doesn't make you "one of those people". I thought I'd be screwed financially and would end up in a tiny flat somewhere while my children were left in the big house with their father, but was in fact massively protected by having been married and having been the main carer for our DC (my situation was a bit different from yours as I'd been a SAHM - but you are still clearly the main carer). This is why it's worth getting legal advice. Even if you don't act on it, please seek it.

you need to speak to social services and report his behaviour. Restraining him and forcing him to eat is wrong full stop but specifically against medical advice. Make sure that is recorded formally. Inform your sons medical teams and school as to what is happening.

he won’t get 50:50 custody if this behaviour towards your child is documented

How are your children going to stand up to him when he’s going to be allowed to continue to abuse them in the intervening years?

Your descriptions of your husband is eerily similar to my ex with only exception that my ex doesn’t have a diagnosis.

My child is now a teenager and we left a good few years ago. DC is autistic. He doesn’t stand up to his father, he is traumatised from being parented by him. Because we live such peaceful lives ow it only highlighted how bad it was before when we lived with his father. I spent years keeping contact to EOW (different country where 50:50 wasn’t common). Ex will tell you he is a good parent, no idea where he gets the notion from as there is no evidence to back it up. I spent years trying to help him build a relationship with DC but he heard it all as criticism. Absolutely everything I say is twisted around to portray me as a villain and him the victim. No matter how blatant the consequences are to his actions he can’t see the link between his behaviour and the consequences. His life is a trail of people who were out to get him. Zero ability to see that he is the common denominator.

My ex genuinely seems convinced he is always in the right. Experiences that DC or myself recall are completely dismissed as never happened or exaggerated. At the end of the day harm has been caused to DC. I now see that ex’s behaviour isn’t malicious however the harm is done.

This relationship is damaging both you and the kids OP and the damage is lasting. You will be picking up the pieces for years to come after you eventually find the way to leave. I wish I had advice to help you.

Oh, this is a tough one. A huge part of being a parent is ensuring your child has everything necessary to their growth and wellbeing. If they are missing these things it becomes ridiculously stressful for the parents.
So I'm going to go against the grain and say that I understand your husband's frustrations. I understand why he might have let himself down. It's super frustrating to deal with this situation, and many of us do. Please try to be kind your son, first and foremost, but also realise that the rest of your family are struggling with this too.

There is a serious possibility he would be the primary carer.

your posts concern me
as child family law is primarily child focused now

you sound very fearful and unecessarily so x

I think you really need to start keeping a diary and maybe get some 3rd party empowerment

you can’t stay married to a man that’s causing such emotional damage
and your children have rights
and if you have to sell the house
so be it

I'm a therapist myself- and I'm autistic 😄
But I take on board what you're saying and yes it can be tricky and need different approaches. However a decent therapist who has personal experience of autism would be able to do this.

You are planning on not leaving based on second guessing the system. Do get actual practical advice from a specialist lawyer as to exactly what your situation would be re. access and housing. You do not know that your DH would get accerss at all, let alone 50/50 - its all speculation. If you know the actual facts you will be better placed to make decisions.

I would be considering getting the help of women's aid. He is violent and abusive. You need help to escape him and to protect your child.

Why are you still with this monumental cock who is abusing your son?

Some people on this thread are being really naive with the 'leave him to protect your child!' comments.

Courts don't refuse access to parents because they were shouty at dinner time or because they're taking a poor approach to eating problems. Behaviour has to be far more extreme than that for a court to agree custody shouldn't be shared.

OP is between a rock and a hard place, and suggesting her divorcing this bully will solve everything is just not true.

She's right she would likely share custody and then she wouldn't be around to mitigate the worst of his behaviour.

OP, I just wanted to offer you a way to reframe your thinking that might or might not be helpful: right now your children have no home that is calm, peaceful or safe. If you left, yes, they might have to spend time with your H, but when they weren't with him, they would be in a home that is calm, peaceful and safe. They would have a parent they could see is looking out for them. They may even choose to reduce contact with your H on this basis.

It's a SHIT trade off. It's a trade off no-one should have to make. It might be worth it, though. Only you can answer that question.

I also think doing as much as you can to document your H's abuse of both you and your children would support reduced contact, if not none at all.

IF the court grants visits, (which they may not after speaking to the children) then they will only be putting up with this behaviour SOME of the time not ALL of the time!