What the fuck do I do about H treating my son like this?

[whatthefuckdoIdoaboutmyH]

My H does love his children,.. He also has autism. And, bluntly, the iteration of autism in him is a toxic combination when it comes to being a parent. He has very, very little mindsight, a very rigid and inflexible approach, a strong belief he is right, no apparent ability to learn from his mistakes, largely because he never admits to making a mistake in the first place. He also has extremely poor emotional regulation. It doesn't matter how bad things get in his relationship, with me or now with his children, it is always someone else who is the problem. Nothing, NOTHING, makes his reflect that perhaps his behaviour is contributing to the problem.

My eldest son (older junior school age) has real eating problems and always has. He has failed to grow and is now the size of a child 3 /4 years younger than him. He has been seeing a paediatrician about this and is now on the waiting list for another. Everyone we have seen about his eating throughout his life, paediatrican, paediatric dietician, health visitor, everyone, has said the same, ' 'Don't make mealtimes stressful.' My son seems to just not be interested in food, and very out of touch with his appetite. He is prepared to be hungry rather than eat. I suspect he has a baseline of usually being hungry and so does not really notice he is, as well as a small stomach from chronic undereating. He is also very sensory sensitive, which probably does not help. He has never had a hungry phase related to a growth spurt and he has never had a growth spurt. He has never shown interest in what anyone else is eating. His diet is limited but he does eat a range of foods from all major food groups.

His Dad's strategy is to make food and then become very angry if he does not eat it. I have just had to go downstairs to intervene as my son was screaming at the top of his voice, ' Get off me! Get off me! Get off me!' as his Dad was trying to physical restrain him in his seat, whilst yelling at our son to eat. When I speak to his Dad about this he claims he is not making mealtimes stressful. If my son isn't eating he will become angry and start yelling about all the work he put in, start yelling about how he needs to eat and just go on and on. He will then insist he is not making mealtimes stressful. I have shown him a thread on here from people who said their parents were like this and the terrible effect it had on them, but I doubt he even remembers me showing him that. He never remembers anything that doesn't shore up his own narrative.

Nothing makes a difference to his Dad's approach.

Anyway, thanks to all the posters who have posted helpfully and thoughtfully. On that advice I am going to make the kids' dinner now. I will think further on what has been said and I will also discuss all this with the paediatrican who I am seeing this month about my son.

Leave. As said, he’s being physically, mentally and emotionally abusive to your child. My father was like this and I attempted suicide at 14 as I had was fed up of spending every day feeling terrified. I have no contact with my mother (who failed to protect me) and when my parents finally split my ‘father’ never contacted me again.

This isn’t about him being autistic. Myself and my husband are autistic and we’d never behave in this way. He’s an arse who has no interest in working on his faults.

Honestly not arsed op, you do you.

Like I say, the DC will probably speak up for themselves soon to someone they can trust. Or theyll just mention something offhand one day to a pal. Then you genuinely will have a problem when it comes to contact.

You'll get to the stage you need to be at sometime. Just hope it's not too late for your relationship with your DC.

Oh, and if I'm speaking like I'm certain I'm right, it's because I'm well experienced in this, having also had a mother who did absolutely fuck all.

I think it would be more helpful to post on the Special Needs section. There are plenty of neuro diverse parents on here that can give advice rather than swearing at you and calling you disgusting.

Its very possible your dh would be given custody of the dc- particularly as he does a lot of the childcare (successfully) and helps out with local coaching /sports clubs- and is very involved in their extra curricular activities.

The only battle ground is the meal time on a Sunday when he cooks then loses his rag when it’s not eaten.
Yes he tried to restrain your son from leaving the table but SS would not regard this as systematic abuse of a child.

Its very likely that your ds has autism- it’s hereditary- and serious sensory issues around food are common.

Is your dh aware of this? That your ds is not being defiant or naughty?

Its been suggested upthread but a course of CBT may benefit your dh- providing him with techniques and strategies to handling his own emotions.

HOW exactly is telling posters to fuck off going to help?

They are saying you need to leave. Because thats the only way to get the kids out of the situation.

Staying in the situation GUARENTEES that the abuse continues.

ONLY you leaving gives you a CHANCE that the abuse stops. And you are making a CHOICE to stay. You are not even prepared to TRY to leave, because you've already decided to stay.

People have said contact women's aid and get legal advice. But you won't even do that. Because you 'don't want to take the risk'. Except you don't know what the risks of leaving are - as you've not explored this and got professional advice from this source, on the basis that you've not had help everywhere else. This makes absoluetely no sense. You know the risk of staying and still choose that. Cos YOU don't want change and YOU want to stay with your husband and YOU are priortising YOU whilst trying to frame as it being all about your kids. Thats rot.

Then you shout at everyone saying thats enabling the abuse. Because its true. The only person that can take your children out of this situation and change the situation is you. Not anyone else. YOU. But you don't want to accept that.

Instead you want to shout and scream and blame everyone else.

This thread isn't going to say anything different to that. Because its the bottomline.

If stay, you enable the abuse to continue.

But he has been abusive to them physically and emotionally. I would keep an incident log and take some legal advice about whether contact should be supervised or not, given that you have safeguarding concerns.

Glad to hear that you’re going to raise these issues with the paediatrician, as they have a duty of care to report any safeguarding concerns to the relevant authorities.

My ex is Autistic as are both my dc (now older teens), parenting with him was such hard work and I’m sure it caused my eldest dc to be a more anxious child. My dc were not allowed to do anything that involved making a mess, he was obsessed with keeping the house clean and tidy (which was impossible with 2 dc), he also couldn’t accept that the DC’s had their own sensory issues, one having extreme fear of most foods and the other who would eat absolutely anything including non edibles. I was constantly stressed worried about how he would react to DC’s behaviours. When DC was 10 I decided I couldn’t put up with it anymore, I didn’t want to live in a house where I was scared to make any mess and where my dc were anxious. I asked him to leave, my dc became less anxious as did I, my dc1 could eat what they like when they liked and dc2 could be messy (sensory play that she craved). My only regret was not ending it sooner, I often wonder if my dc1 would be much different if I had left years before. No child (or adult) should be made to feel scared or anxious in their own home.

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This is abuse OP.

The longer this goes on, the more damage he is doing to your child.

The only battle ground is the meal time on a Sunday when he cooks then loses his rag when it’s not eaten.

That and the fact their marriage is dead.

If you take a clear-eyed look at your DH's behaviour in other aspects of his life eg work, then I think you'll be able to see the element of choice in how he reacts to you and the DC. I don't think it's a coincidence that when someone asked how he was in other areas you gave an example of how he treated his mum. It's very common for abusive men to be unable to control their behaviour when it comes to the women and DCs in their lives. But somehow they manage to control it well enough with other men, colleagues, etc. You need to realise your DH is choosing how to behave. He can make excuses for himself. You don't need to.

If you were to ask your DH to explain to the paediatrician about how he interacts with your DS at mealtimes, would he be honest? Because if he would be honest, then the paediatrician can advise accordingly. And if he wouldn't be honest then you know that he knows his behaviour is wrong and doesn't want it scrutinised by a professional.

Can you video him with your DS? You can then show it to the paediatrician when you have appointments without your DH.

I understand why you don't want to leave your DCs with him but starting to be honest to yourself, him and every professional in your DCs' lives, will help to build evidence of his abuse/parenting. The more people who know, the more support you will be able to access and the less you will all be able to hide behind his 'autism'.

Echoing Prince Haz and others about need to keep a log of abusive incidents (do not minimise), and register them somewhere official. If you do not, you may have less of a leg to stand on re. access.
You seem strangely resigned OP to not ending the relationship. He is harming your DC, and you must protect DC from him. Before deciding that you cannot end it because of access and housing issues, please do consult a solicitor who knows this area of the law in all its practical aspects. When you are fully aware of all the facts you can make your decisions better than second guessing what might happen, as at present. Be strong, its awful but you need to stand between your DC and this man.

Your poor DS. Your H needs to either leave all the food and eating issues with you as you can cope a lot better and are calmer.

can’t he see this is upsetting his son? Does he cook things your son likes to eat?

I was happy to read he eats all from the main food groups.

OP. This is not your fault.

Do you really think they'll give an abusive parent 50% custody? Gid, it's no wonder people say the court system can be hopeless sometimes!

Same here.

I cannot believe that your paediatrician ‘forgot’ to address a safeguarding risk. This is terrible.
Email the secretary and outline what you previously requested your consultant to address and ask for a plan for it to be addressed within the next session - do this before the session, not on the day.

Regarding you not being able to raise it with your husband there. You absolutely can and should - unless there are ramifications which you are scared of and then your need to access DA support.
At this point, who are you protecting here - your Husband, your Son or Yourself?

It sounds a horrid situation all round, but please intervene.

@Cherrysoup yes sadly it's true. There was a recent documentary on BBC iPlayer about it exposing the Family Court failings

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0g7gsly

Not sure if the link will work but if you do a quick search you can watch the clip

Dear OP,
part of your post is about looking for strategies in order to make your husband realise the effect that his response is having on your son at mealtimes. Your desperation is obvious and I also understand how frustrating it can be when other people say ‘just leave’ etc.
This is just a suggestion but is it worth filming a calm mealtime with just you and your son, (possibly a montage of them, so it can’t be dismissed as a one-off) and you ask your husband to watch at a time where things are more relaxed.
Then you say ‘what am I doing here to make it calm?’ ‘Why is it working?’Get him to come up with the answers.
He may need to see the evidence for it to go in. An extension of this is to also film a conflict driven mealtime with his behaviour but I understand that you really don’t want your child exposed to further distress.
Sometimes it’s the only way to bring home what’s actually going on, and for me it worked in demonstrating toxic alcoholic behaviour in my family.
I wish you all the best, and it is just a last resort suggestion, so please don’t shoot me down in flames!

I rarely say this but I think that he needs to leave. It's not fair on your son and is making him worse. Could your son also be on the spectrum?

In terms of tips for eating, I have a very picky eater and I have encouraged her to eat more by placing a selection of seasonings on a plate for her to add to her meals. I put things like mixed dried herbs, basil, olive oil, soy sauce, cinnamon, grated cheese on a plate and then encourage her to make up her own recipes and write them down. She has started to become quite adventurous and has started moving on to spices. I think that it makes her feel in control. It's really important that there is no pressure re food and that your son feels as though he can make decisions about what and how much he eats.

With regard to your son - has your paediatrician mentioned ARFID? It sounds very like it. There’s a book by Gillian Harris that you might find helpful and I’m wondering if your husband would be more on board with techniques for managing your son’s eating if he read it in a book?
Other than that - this sounds incredibly stressful for you all. I would consider seeing if you can get any counselling to help you in dealing with all of this.

If leaving isn't an option for you, the best thing is that you dont allow your H around your child when he is eating.

If your H cannot or will not behave himself, you need to assert YOURself and protect your child from him during meal times.

I had a similar with my exes refusal to stop bothering my son who has ARFID during meal times, so i simply fed my H separate from the rest of us. My kids had a calm meal time, and H got hot food to himself later in the evening.

I made it VERY clear to H that until he could teach himself to be quiet and leave DS alone, he was not welcome to eat with us.

Oh @juniper111 what an awful experience 😢 . I'm so sorry you went through that

@Cherrysoup

Yes I do.

My ex had hurt my child many times also hurt other children and been sent to prison.

In court his prison sentence wasn't mentioned once. It was all about his rights to see his child.

Of course he's going to be granted contact on a 50/50 basis if he wishes! It might be uncomfortable for people to acknowledge but our system isn't always fair and just. It would be OP's account of events versus H's, with H throwing in he is acting with justified concern regarding the eating situation. He would more than likely say he has a different approach and that would be taken at face value. It's not easy to evidence, especially if it's centred around just one aspect of behaviour/parenting, that he is actually abusive. OP can start to collate evidence but that will take time and it needs to be solid.

I completely understand the fear of going down that path. Because once you've gone through the process I would say there's no going back. Whatever level of contact is decided will have to be adhered to, yes of course it can be challenged but while that's being reviewed the children will have alone time with their dad.

However, there is a major issue that needs addressing. You're keeping the relationship together so you can intervene, next you need a plan of action to protect your son. I echo PPs advice of taking over mealtimes in their entirety. Tell H it is non negotiable and this is providing DS with consistency as well as a calm environment.

I would speak with paediatrician with husband present, not in an accusatory tone, relay that his approach is more authoritarian and focussed on finishing all food on the plate. Ask the paediatrician outright if that is what they recommend? Frame it as you seeking guidance and outline how you are leading mealtimes. If your H thinks you are "poisoning" opinions of him, respond neutrally and state your focus is on helping your son, nothing more, nothing less.

The absolute main thing here is that this mealtime situation stops as soon as possible. The OPs plans for separating can be worked on in the background.