What the fuck do I do about H treating my son like this?

[whatthefuckdoIdoaboutmyH]

My H does love his children,.. He also has autism. And, bluntly, the iteration of autism in him is a toxic combination when it comes to being a parent. He has very, very little mindsight, a very rigid and inflexible approach, a strong belief he is right, no apparent ability to learn from his mistakes, largely because he never admits to making a mistake in the first place. He also has extremely poor emotional regulation. It doesn't matter how bad things get in his relationship, with me or now with his children, it is always someone else who is the problem. Nothing, NOTHING, makes his reflect that perhaps his behaviour is contributing to the problem.

My eldest son (older junior school age) has real eating problems and always has. He has failed to grow and is now the size of a child 3 /4 years younger than him. He has been seeing a paediatrician about this and is now on the waiting list for another. Everyone we have seen about his eating throughout his life, paediatrican, paediatric dietician, health visitor, everyone, has said the same, ' 'Don't make mealtimes stressful.' My son seems to just not be interested in food, and very out of touch with his appetite. He is prepared to be hungry rather than eat. I suspect he has a baseline of usually being hungry and so does not really notice he is, as well as a small stomach from chronic undereating. He is also very sensory sensitive, which probably does not help. He has never had a hungry phase related to a growth spurt and he has never had a growth spurt. He has never shown interest in what anyone else is eating. His diet is limited but he does eat a range of foods from all major food groups.

His Dad's strategy is to make food and then become very angry if he does not eat it. I have just had to go downstairs to intervene as my son was screaming at the top of his voice, ' Get off me! Get off me! Get off me!' as his Dad was trying to physical restrain him in his seat, whilst yelling at our son to eat. When I speak to his Dad about this he claims he is not making mealtimes stressful. If my son isn't eating he will become angry and start yelling about all the work he put in, start yelling about how he needs to eat and just go on and on. He will then insist he is not making mealtimes stressful. I have shown him a thread on here from people who said their parents were like this and the terrible effect it had on them, but I doubt he even remembers me showing him that. He never remembers anything that doesn't shore up his own narrative.

Nothing makes a difference to his Dad's approach.

For all those saying, ' he won't get contact if you tell people about the abuse'

His kids love him,. They are very vocal about this. They look forward to seeing him. When he is calm and regulated, and things are easy for him, he is a 'good' Dad. Luckily, they share interests that they enjoy talking about and doing together. Ironically, due to me pressurising H into this, he is active in volunteering with kids in the community ( I thought him seeing how other adults interact with children and managing their behaviour would help him). So he is going to have a convincing case for custody, including primary custody. I don't have a fucking chance of him not having custody and I know it. I know enough of social services to know he will not be at that bar.

And he will be very convincing to any assessors. Because he firmly believes he is a good Dad and he genuinely loves his children. He has no insight into his behaviour not being ok. And he is unable to be honest about how he is behaving because he doesn't realise he is being a raging loon!

Too many women diagnose abuse as neurodiverse. These men may be neurodiverse as well but it’s not the fundamental problem.

No. Firstly, he forgots things that don't suit him. He genuinely does. Not just related to me. Other stuff too.

Secondly, that would just be proof of me being spiteful and wanting to hurt him. The idea that I have thought and feelings about my own life, does not appear to be available to him.

Are you sure this is all related to his autism as it just sounds like being a self centred arsehole to me.

OP would you disclose a little more why you think he would more more likely to have custody

I'm in my 40s and there are still combinations of food that I cannot eat without gagging because of the battles my dad and I had over them when I was a kid. And our meal time rows were nowhere near as bad as what you have described. Your husband is going to do lifelong damage to your child.

I did find a relationship counsellor who specialises in ND but then I thought there was no point going as H is not willing to accept his behaviour could in anyway be part of the problem. I just thought it would end up being distressing for me to not be heard (yet) again, so never pursued it.

The problem now is that his view of me is utterly toxic. From his point of view i am just against him. I tell him again and again, 'I am saying this to help you', but he just says ' No you are not, No you are not.'

The starting point is EOW + one day a week. He may argue for 50:50 if he really wants it, but your kids liking him is irrelevant to would finally be awarded by the court.

You need to tell people about your son being abused. A good start would be calling 101 to report today’s physical assault. Your H had no reason to restrain your DS today other than to bully him.

You need to speak to your GP, the school, NSPCC, Women’s Aid and a divorce lawyer. Make a note of all the times you can remember him being abusive to you and the DC.

Being autistic is no excuse for being so cruel to a child with an eating disorder. He’s scum.

You husband is physically & mentally abusing your son.
Your husband doesn't recognise this behaviour as abuse.
The abuse will, in all likelihood, get worse as your son gets older.

As your sons parents what is your responsibility towards him?

To love him.
To protect him and keep him safe.
To support and encourage his physical & mental wellbeing.

I'd one parent isn't doing this ( his father) then the other (his mother) needs to. And if that means separation / divorce then that is what needs to happen for your sons sake.

the way you talk about excluding your dh from family days out and holidays reminds me of us trying to give consequences to ds when he was younger. It didn’t matter what he missed out on, ds would just not do even the simplest things he was asked, like put his shoes on. He would rage and tantrum and go absolutely mad and miss out on the trip out or wherever but that wouldn’t change his behaviour. He would just feel that we were mean and horrible and it would happen all over again the next time. His Asd diagnosis is brackets PDA. So if those kinds of boundaries don’t work, you have to look elsewhere for a solution.

OP your H sounds exactly like my ex. Rigid thinking, will not listen to me (especially) or SS or CAMHS, police, the school or any other authority. He makes the right noises then just reverts back. When we split he surrounded himself with people who didn't know us, gave them a false narrative and their support just reinforces his view of himself. From my experience there's nothing you can do except disengage, which you have been doing. This will not get any better, you know that. I think he's autistic as well, both DCs are highly likely to be autistic ( highlighted by school and CAMHS) but he refuses to recognise any if it.

I'm afraid I don't know what to suggest re leaving, it's so difficult. Do you think the kids, over time, would recognise the abuse themselves and vote with their feet? I didn't address it with my DS and now it's too late, he lives with his dad and thinks I'm the abusive one. However, I am making it clear to DD that that behaviour is not normal and it's not right. I don't badmouth him and I reinforce that I know they love him, but the behaviour is not acceptable.

What you’re describing is abusive behaviour towards your son. If I were you I would be talking to as many professionals as possible. The school, gp, school nurse, paediatrician etc, to create a paper trail of your concerns about his parenting. Should there ever be a time when you want to separate, this would likely make the idea of him having primary care of the children, or of a 50/50 split seem a non starter.

I agree.

A diary of aggressions to you and to the kids is a start. Report the fact of his behaviour to the GP and it’s helpful to ask for counselling for yourself (and DS) as a consequence.

I actually am. Because there are times when I can see he is really trying to understand and he just can't. I can really see his confusion, his lack of comprehension.

And its not just with me. I could give you examples from his behaviour with his own mother, who he loved dearly.

When I read up on Autism in relationships, it just made sense of everything.

I know my H really wants our relationship to work, he really wants to be a good dad. He just has no idea how to be in a relationship with other people. Because he cant' really see them. What he sees is himself and how he feels about those people and how they make him feel. He can't really see how they think and feel.

And that's why he reacts the way he does. He is genuinely worried about his son's eating and size. He just can't see how damaging the approach he is taking is and his own emotional reactions to that worry and fear and desperation overwhelm him.

I'm not making excuses. I have no good feelings left for the man, the opposite really. But I genuinely believe his behaviour stems from a place of utter incomprehension rather than badness.

The problem now is that his view of me is utterly toxic. From his point of view i am just against him. I tell him again and again, 'I am saying this to help you', but he just says ' No you are not, No you are not.'

yeah, this sounds familiar. It reminds me of Ds’ and dh’ relationship I guess. To a large extent they both have believed they are pitted against one another in a battle of wills. But neither of them ever win, it’s just two losers.
the issue is empathy and insight and it’s very hard to learn for those with asd/adhd, ime especially for men/boys.

Then the solution is to absolve him of cooking for DS. You feed DS, DH cooks for you and him at weekends.
He does not get involved, it’s not his “fight” and they focus on things they can do without tension.

I'm so sorry this happened to you

I do feel for you because I believe that about my dh too. He really loves his dc and wants the best for them, they love him back. But, there have been times when he has absolutely fucked up very seriously and it has damaged them. He feels bad but still makes mistakes and struggles to make amends and apologise. It’s easier for him to blame everyone else around him than face up to the fact that his neurodiversity has this impact as he feels he can’t change it.

Are there any good elements left in your relationship and family? Could you love him again if he changed?

What sort of other solutions?

I think if you are unable to leave for fear of the children spending more time with him alone, then your only solution is to report his actions to social services. The example you gave is physical and emotional abuse, and you have a responsibility to safeguard your child.

Social services can either try to support him to be a better parent or offer explain that the consequences of continued abuse will be that he doesn't spend time with his children unsupervised.

I tell him again and again, 'I am saying this to help you', but he just says ' No you are not, No you are not.'
maybe no amount of “telling” your dh works because he just can’t do it by himself. he just doesn’t have the capacity to change himself like that. I guess what he’s saying here is that telling me what to do just doesn’t help him. It only makes him feel bad and you too. It needs a completely new strategy.

Who diagnosed your H as being on the autistic spectrum?. If it is your own self you could well be wrong about him being on any spectrum at all. Some women do mistake abuse for neurodiversity. Has he ever talked about ASD himself?. What is his family background like; that often gives clues.

What do you think staying with him will teach your children, particularly your eldest child here, about relationships?.

If you can't leave then you need to be the person who stands up for your ds. At the weekend you need to be there ateals to keep control and to step in when needed. He can't be left in charge if this is how he goes on.