What the fuck do I do about H treating my son like this?

[whatthefuckdoIdoaboutmyH]

My H does love his children,.. He also has autism. And, bluntly, the iteration of autism in him is a toxic combination when it comes to being a parent. He has very, very little mindsight, a very rigid and inflexible approach, a strong belief he is right, no apparent ability to learn from his mistakes, largely because he never admits to making a mistake in the first place. He also has extremely poor emotional regulation. It doesn't matter how bad things get in his relationship, with me or now with his children, it is always someone else who is the problem. Nothing, NOTHING, makes his reflect that perhaps his behaviour is contributing to the problem.

My eldest son (older junior school age) has real eating problems and always has. He has failed to grow and is now the size of a child 3 /4 years younger than him. He has been seeing a paediatrician about this and is now on the waiting list for another. Everyone we have seen about his eating throughout his life, paediatrican, paediatric dietician, health visitor, everyone, has said the same, ' 'Don't make mealtimes stressful.' My son seems to just not be interested in food, and very out of touch with his appetite. He is prepared to be hungry rather than eat. I suspect he has a baseline of usually being hungry and so does not really notice he is, as well as a small stomach from chronic undereating. He is also very sensory sensitive, which probably does not help. He has never had a hungry phase related to a growth spurt and he has never had a growth spurt. He has never shown interest in what anyone else is eating. His diet is limited but he does eat a range of foods from all major food groups.

His Dad's strategy is to make food and then become very angry if he does not eat it. I have just had to go downstairs to intervene as my son was screaming at the top of his voice, ' Get off me! Get off me! Get off me!' as his Dad was trying to physical restrain him in his seat, whilst yelling at our son to eat. When I speak to his Dad about this he claims he is not making mealtimes stressful. If my son isn't eating he will become angry and start yelling about all the work he put in, start yelling about how he needs to eat and just go on and on. He will then insist he is not making mealtimes stressful. I have shown him a thread on here from people who said their parents were like this and the terrible effect it had on them, but I doubt he even remembers me showing him that. He never remembers anything that doesn't shore up his own narrative.

Nothing makes a difference to his Dad's approach.

As it stands OP is in a position at present to supervise H's contact as she sees necessary. If/when they separate that will stop, he will have the children on his own for extended periods of time. This is going to be in OP's mind, there won't be any OP takes charge of all mealtimes, he will be allowed to provide meals for his children during their contact.

I'm really sceptical that this is just down to autism, as your husband would not be able to hold down a job if he behaved like this at work - so he is obviously able to control his behaviour. You need to make it clear to him that if he doesn't control himself around his children he is going to lose the whole family.

I will say one thing for leaving which might be worth taking into consideration.

My kids only see their Dad every other weekend. A total of 4 days a month, the other 26/27 are spent here with me.

26/27 days a month they are in a safe, loving, nurturing, supportive environment where they are cared for in peace, quiet and safety, knowing they are loved.

The 4 days they spend with their dad might be a bit rocky, but they know they're coming back home to me, and another 2 weeks of loving, safe support. The only thing he is damaging, is his relationship with them.

This 👆

Im the poster earlier in the thread who explained they had a similar home life as a child and this led me to attempting suicide at age 14. I’m almost 40 and still bear the scares of my mother and fathers behaviour.

It sounds like a nightmare for you! Could you ensure that there's a variety of healthy food & drink always available in his bedroom for him? Maybe he'd gradually learn to nibble away in private in his own time at his own pace. No comments about them or expectation that he should eat them - just there if he wants them. Then maybe say he doesn't have to come to the table for meals if he doesn't want to and don't make any comments about taking another bite. Just ignore whether he's eating or not. You'd have to check with the doctor that this would be OK but by handing all the food control over to your son, maybe you'd all feel less stressed and he could gradually learn to enjoy it.

As an aside, does your son know how to cook? Would he enjoy helping to prepare meals or snacks for the family if there's no pressure (or even encouragement) to eat them himself?

He sounds a lot like my dad. My parents got divorced when I was about 8 and we were split 50/50 between the two houses. It did mean I had more alone time with my dad, but it also gave me a safe space away from him for half the time and when I started to realise how awful he was, all my time away from him. It also took a lot of the pressure off him as he would have a break every week, not get so stressed out and shouty all the time and we didn't have to listen to my parents fighting all the time..

The child support and divorce settlement ensured they were both able to stay living in the same area which would have been out of my mother's price range alone.

I know this is not what you want for your family, but I also thought it may be helpful to have a differnt perspective from someone with lived experience.

In my case I believe that generations of undiagnosed autism and no mental health support or understanding led to generations of disordered, abusive parenting, mental health conditions and personality disorders. My father was abused so to protect himself he in turn became a narcissistic abuser continuing the cycle. I just hope I have broken the cycle in my own family.

This is one of the most helpful posts on the thread.

The OP says he had to move cities to get employment when his last contract ended - she thinks because of his conduct at work getting around the area he was working. It sounds like he isn’t keeping jobs.

First off, are those orders where the primary carer gets to stay in the home til kids are 18 a thing of the past?

Secondly, children get input into whether they see a parent; if you get WA and SS involved and your child says they don't want to stay with their Dad due to his behaviour around meal times etc .... I'm sure it will be considered.

And your child is under a paediatrician already for eating ffs.

You surely have a case to get him supervised contact or no contact, and for your child's opinion to be considered.