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Original poster

This is how low men's bar for themselves is

227 replies

boundarypushingbastards · 29/09/2023 13:35

So I am just back from a date. Guy seemed really nice when chatting before date, and I was really hopeful. He just seemed like a nice, regular guy. We are both outdoorsy and he suggested a nature walk. I thought this was a great idea. Off we went. Within 15 mins he was like, lets sit down. I did feel a bit 'hmm' as I thought we were doing a walk but ok. So we sit down and he immediately puts his hand on mine. I don't like this as I don't really know him so I move my hand away. He asks me if I want to see him again. I say ' I don't know I have only just met you.' He says he fancies me, I reply, ' You don't actually know me yet'. He asks for a kiss. I say no. He asks three more times whilst moving in closer for a kiss. I give him a firm no each time and by the fourth time I am really pissed off with this boundary ignoring shit and so I stand up and say, ' I've had enough of this.' and start to walk back to my car. He apologises but says, ' In my defence, I didn't actually do anything.'

This has really, really pissed me off. So in his world, because he hasn't actually assaulted me, he's a decent guy and I should give him another chance? Repeatedly ignoring a woman saying, ' No I don't want to', and continually pushing her to relent and using his greater size to move in on her physically, is ok if you don't actually assault her? That's how low his fucking bar is for himself and all men??

Fuck off! We are in our 50s! His other defence was ' Its been a long time I am out of practice'. What? He forgot women were humans with choice and agency in his shagless years? Fuck off!

Oh, and to make it worse, he has two teenage daughters. Is this how he wants men to treat them too?

I'm quite upset. It was a really horrible experience, being ignored and loomed towards like that. Made me feel really dehumanised and really shit.

OP posts:
Ifeellikeateenageragain · 29/09/2023 16:28

That is totally shit. Well done on extricating yourself but FFS you are right - that bar is well and truly on the bloody floor.

Just when you think things might be improving, fucking Neanderthals like that are still roaming.

Booklover40 · 29/09/2023 16:36

Unfortunately I think a lot of the men on these websites just want a shag, not a relationship. They just pretend they want a relationship to reel the women in.

You have to ask yourself why these men in their 40s/50s/60 s are single? I think it’s very true that men stay in relationships no matter how shit as they want someone to wash their underpants and cook their tea. It’s the women who generally do the finishing as they’re fed up of the crappy behaviour from the man.

Askil · 29/09/2023 16:36

I wouldn't have gone on a 'nature walk' with a man I barely know. Too risque! i'd have gone on a date in a more public place.

Irvingcelt · 29/09/2023 16:37

I hate men like this. Very sorry for your experience.

I went on a date with a guy and he asked for a kiss. It was just NOT the moment. I gave a crap excuse like too many people around, too light.

Half an hour later in back of a taxi on way to second part of date - he said “so is it dark enough yet? (for a kiss). I said no! He shouted at me “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?!”

I felt frightened and I felt like I was a piece of meat to him that he just wanted to comply. Something was off about him and wouldn’t put it past him to hit or force himself upon a woman.

Later found out he used to beat up his ex gf. Nice.

Irvingcelt · 29/09/2023 16:40

crochetmonkey74 · 29/09/2023 15:22

yep

I came off dating apps for this reason- loads of men would write things like "dont you wish we were snuggled up together watching a film" before I had even met them, if I responded with "not yet , we dont know each other" it was seen as me not 'playing the game' men seem to need women to say certain things and if we don't, then we are cold or whatever. It reminds me of the Caitlin Moran 'men see women as jukeboxes' thing

I had exactly this with a man and when I responded similar to you he got in a strop.
🤨

They don’t even know you how would they know they’d actually want to cuddle YOU? Screams to me that ‘anyone will do.’

JANEY205 · 29/09/2023 16:41

Yuck!!! I’d also strongly advise only going to meet strangers in public places!

This obviously isn’t all men.

Thepeopleversuswork · 29/09/2023 16:45

Urgh. Rapey twat.
Next!

YouJustDoYou · 29/09/2023 16:46

Pretty sure if it were a man coming on to him, saying to HIM, "Can I have a kiss? Come on, just one kiss? Come on...." he would immediately feel like the other man had gone way too far...but because HE'S doing it to a WOMAN, ah, yes...totally fine isn't it. These kind of men are utter hypocrites.

PeppermintMandy · 29/09/2023 16:55

A man in his 50s should know better than to behave like that, and a woman in her 50s should know better than to go for a “nature walk” with a stranger she’s met online. Both of you have learnt a lesson hopefully.

Begsthequestion · 29/09/2023 17:01

beatrix1234 · 29/09/2023 13:41

Maybe he’s not a jerk, maybe he’s been married all his life and completely socially akward, doesn’t know how women in real life operate. I don’t know which one but s scarier TBH. Congrats on the quick escape.

Why do you think he might not know "how women operate"?

It's this kind of reasoning that makes me think a lot of men don't truly view women as people.

Because women "in real life" - including his wife - "operate" as people.

Because that's what we are.

That means we have individual wants and needs that are totally separate to them and what they want and need.

That's why we all need to ensure the other person actually wants to do the same thing we do, before trying to do it with them.

And when they say no, you have to respect that.

All this stuff is taught to toddlers. So I find it hard to believe that adult men can't comprehend it.

So... they're either less capable of understanding other people than most children....or they don't actually think that women are fully people whose autonomy must be respected.

Sunshinenrain · 29/09/2023 17:04

Urghh!
What did he expected that you would have just started snogging him on the bench!!

Good for you for walking away, as some women would have been so taken back and possibly intimidated that they’d have played along.

I really enjoy going for walks as I find trying to make conversation quite difficult but this has definitely put me off.
I like the PPs suggestion of a quick coffee.

I started speaking to someone online and we had the general chat and he asked me where I was from and so I told him. Then he said “that’s not far at all, maybe I could come over to get a little kiss” 🤢
It gave me the ick so bad and so I blocked him straight away.

If someone’s looking for sex then that’s fine but be up front with it.
There’s no way I’m going to be snogging random men right after meeting them.

Sunshinenrain · 29/09/2023 17:05

YouJustDoYou · 29/09/2023 16:46

Pretty sure if it were a man coming on to him, saying to HIM, "Can I have a kiss? Come on, just one kiss? Come on...." he would immediately feel like the other man had gone way too far...but because HE'S doing it to a WOMAN, ah, yes...totally fine isn't it. These kind of men are utter hypocrites.

Oh yes!

If a man was advancing on another man it would be a complete different story!

RunningUpThatBuilding · 29/09/2023 17:07

Eww!

At least he quickly revealed what an absolute twat he was so it’s not like you’ve invested months or years in a relationship with him!

I remember a similar situation when on a first date back when I was 18. Twat had no understanding of boundaries and I ended up escaping in a taxi. He rang me for months afterwards trying ti get a second date. Clearly the fact I said no, pushed him away and jumped in a taxi was not enough of a hint to him?

Saschka · 29/09/2023 17:10

Frodofeeling · 29/09/2023 13:57

Yes, even when I was a teenager "going for a walk" meant going for a fumble, like going up for coffee doesn't mean coffee.

Obviously he's an arse for not taking no for an answer, but don't go on walks for a first date.

There’s a difference between asking somebody in a group to peel off and “go for a walk” with you (obviously trying to get you alone to get off with you), and meeting up with a complete stranger for a first date in a park or somewhere (I’d have said clearly NOT going to get physical walking in a public place, but obviously some men will try it on anywhere).

SerafinasGoose · 29/09/2023 17:13

beatrix1234 · 29/09/2023 13:41

Maybe he’s not a jerk, maybe he’s been married all his life and completely socially akward, doesn’t know how women in real life operate. I don’t know which one but s scarier TBH. Congrats on the quick escape.

He's a jerk, socially awkward or not.

The word 'no' is unambiguous. However inexperienced a person is in dealing with members of the opposite sex, there really isn't anything here to misinterpret.

Sad and unfathomable though it might be to these 'but what about the men?' brand of apologist, they will never be able to think of enough excuses that will make these boundary-stampeding, pushy men into 'nice but awkward' types.

They are jerks. And a lot worse besides.

FedUpOfItA · 29/09/2023 17:14

Booklover40 · 29/09/2023 16:36

Unfortunately I think a lot of the men on these websites just want a shag, not a relationship. They just pretend they want a relationship to reel the women in.

You have to ask yourself why these men in their 40s/50s/60 s are single? I think it’s very true that men stay in relationships no matter how shit as they want someone to wash their underpants and cook their tea. It’s the women who generally do the finishing as they’re fed up of the crappy behaviour from the man.

So true. I'd love to have a meaningful relationship but after a certain age it's just impossible to meet anyone.

Newestname002 · 29/09/2023 17:14

Boundary pushing, creepy, bad mannered and insensitive. What a catch... Glad you got away safely OP. 🌹

PenguinPete · 29/09/2023 17:15

All men?

Just because you've had a bad experience with a total weirdo doesn't mean that "all men" are like this. You said you're in your 50s.... so grow up.

SerafinasGoose · 29/09/2023 17:17

PenguinPete · 29/09/2023 17:15

All men?

Just because you've had a bad experience with a total weirdo doesn't mean that "all men" are like this. You said you're in your 50s.... so grow up.

And right on cue, here come the NAMALTS ...

Never been known to miss a boundary-eroding men thread yet.

Tinklyheadtilt · 29/09/2023 17:17

No. YABU

Lots of good men with strong values. You were just unfortunate and had a bellend. Report him to the police and move on.

DatingDinosaur · 29/09/2023 17:17

Whether he's 15 or 50, bachelor boy or divorced, a decent man knows no means no. A decent man wouldn't push for a kiss and more after only 15 minutes. A decent man would be horrified he'd offended you and apologised, not got defensive.

I was so glad to read that he didn't try and drag you off into some bushes when you told him you'd had enough and walked away.

Allow the bitterness and anger to come out - it's your way of processing a scary situation that's shaken you up.

I'd send that message - it will be cathartic for you. But don't expect an apology/acknowledgement he was wrong, or even any reply. He knew full well he was chancing his arm, pushing his luck and carried on anyway. Because that's the kind of man he is.

Begsthequestion · 29/09/2023 17:18

PenguinPete · 29/09/2023 17:15

All men?

Just because you've had a bad experience with a total weirdo doesn't mean that "all men" are like this. You said you're in your 50s.... so grow up.

See how lovely and supportive men are?

DatingDinosaur · 29/09/2023 17:28

Well I'm a woman and I agree that not all men are like that. The trick is to not give the time of day to any that start behaving like pillocks the minute they start behaving like pillocks.

When I was bitter and angry about the guy who cheated on me I came out of that saying all men are lying cheating scumbags. I no longer think like that because no person is the same. We are all individuals.

But yeah, there seems to be more than a fair share of bad apples on the dating apps.

SVFXHMX42 · 29/09/2023 17:35

Watchkeys · 29/09/2023 14:35

I am bitter at the moment, yes

Then rally against that, not against men. It's like never eating strawberries again because you had 1 bad punnet.

But when you have more bad punnets than good it kind of puts you off buying any more strawberries.

Yettisrus29 · 29/09/2023 17:35

Booklover40 · 29/09/2023 16:36

Unfortunately I think a lot of the men on these websites just want a shag, not a relationship. They just pretend they want a relationship to reel the women in.

You have to ask yourself why these men in their 40s/50s/60 s are single? I think it’s very true that men stay in relationships no matter how shit as they want someone to wash their underpants and cook their tea. It’s the women who generally do the finishing as they’re fed up of the crappy behaviour from the man.

And what about all those single women in that age group too? Men do leave shit relationships as well.