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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you actually be okay with this? I really need honest opinions

165 replies

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/09/2023 20:59

Dp and i been together over 15 years.

He has a best mate, let’s call him Trevor. They were close friends all through high school.

When dp and I met we went on couples date with Trevor and his partner. Trevor and his partner made it obvious they did not like me. I had never met them before and was very friendly and polite.

In the years that followed we would bump into Trevor who would chat to dp but openly ignore me. Dp always said he never noticed etc.

trevor has a brother, Erwin. One night dp and I had a very rare night out. I was dancing with friends with dp watching on (dp doesn’t dance, quite a shy personality and out of his comfort zone). Dp was stood talking to Erwin.

When I got off the dance floor Erwin said to me in a very nasty manner that I was a fucking slag. Obviously I was shocked and surprised. I am most definitely not a ‘slag’ and never have been.

Fast forward a few years, Trevor started out his own business, approached dp to go work with him.

dp well aware how upset I have been in the past of Trevor’s rudeness for no reason. I made it clear I would not be happy for Dp working with a man who had been so rude to me for absolutely no reason. Trevor over the years kept coming to Dp asking him to join him in his firm.

Dp recently agreed to go given he was unhappy in his well paying roll to join Trevor for better prospects long term.

I accepted that because I could see how unhappy dp was in his role. I would just get over it.

it was recently his first week. I find out on day one his days are spent with Erwin working closely with him. Dp had no idea that would be the case.

I feel so very conflicted. I want dp to be happy at work, but ultimately I feel he is being disloyal to me, working for a man who has been horrible to me, spending his days happily with a man that called me a fucking slag for no reason.

please tell me your thoughts. Am I incredibly selfish?

OP posts:
junbean · 28/09/2023 21:02

YANBU. What was DP's reaction to the slag comment?

If it were my partner being abused this way I'd stay clear of those people- obviously something fundamentally wrong with them, plus loyalty.

I would hate this!

PennyForearm · 28/09/2023 21:02

Your DP is a total drip. “DP always said he never noticed”, aye right Hmm

There’s no way DH would tolerate that behaviour towards me, the “friends” would be long gone.

Lucy1713 · 28/09/2023 21:03

Hi, no I would be massively pXxxxx off if my partner worked with someone who was so horrible to me! It will inevitably cause issues in your relationship and it won’t work.

Hummingbird233 · 28/09/2023 21:04

No I wouldn't be happy with them having any contact let alone working together.

Why hasn't your husband asked Trevor what the issue is?

Why is he ok with Trevor treating you like that?

Would your partner be ok if the you worked with a friend who so obviously hated his guts? I think not.

Tinkerbyebye · 28/09/2023 21:06

YANBU and I would tell him he finds another job

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2023 21:07

Never invest yourself in a man who's not invested in you. Your "partner" is shameful. You are not a team, you never have been, and you never will be.

Dery · 28/09/2023 21:14

This is incomprehensible to me. How can your partner tolerate these men being so nasty to you? Why is he friends with men who talk to and about women in that way? They sound absolutely horrible and I don’t understand why your partner is friends with them or has allowed them to speak to you that way.

TemporarilyshyAF · 28/09/2023 21:14

No, you're not being incredibly selfish at all.

Has your DP ever defended you or questioned their remarks? It's one thing for Trevor and Erwin to not be your biggest fans for whatever reason, quite another for them to verbally abuse you and be rude.

The problem with passive people (DH) is that they're often very good at making YOU feel like the out-of-order one for speaking up even when it is very clear that their, or their associates' behaviour has been unacceptable.

Is this a business opportunity he can't refuse and is it long term? I wouldn't necessarily expect him to now turn down a genuinely great, time-limited project if he wasn't happy at work but I would expect him to stand up for you whenever necessary. Not ok. Point being it should never have got to this stage. He should have spoken up about their behaviour long ago and if they didn't sort it out, dropped them.

HoneyBadgerMom · 28/09/2023 21:16

When a man tells you what he thinks of you through his actions (or inactions) you need to believe him.

You are WAY down on his list of priorities. Way, way down. You can do better than this, you really can. Being alone is better than being used.

Choccybear20 · 28/09/2023 21:20

Yanbu I’m confused why you stayed with someone who was happy staying friends with someone who treated you that way?

Id be saying new job, cut ties with these people or maybe you need to cut ties with your partner.

RandomMess · 28/09/2023 21:23

No I wouldn't be ok at all.

category12 · 28/09/2023 21:28

I'd be wondering what your DP has said about you for these people to take such an obvious dislike to you for no reason.

Motnight · 28/09/2023 21:41

Awful.

Chelsea543 · 28/09/2023 21:43

What did your DP do when he called you a slag? Your partner should have cut off these friends there and then. Not maintained a friendship through the years to now go and work with them.
I think you are being extremely kind to your DP given the situation. If this was the opposite way would you stay friends with someone like this?

KohlaParasaurus · 28/09/2023 21:43

No, I wouldn't be OK with my DP ignoring and invalidating how I felt about the way these people had behaved towards me.

griegwithhimandhim · 28/09/2023 21:44

category12 · 28/09/2023 21:28

I'd be wondering what your DP has said about you for these people to take such an obvious dislike to you for no reason.

I'm thinking someone must have said something horrible to them about you, otherwise why would this Erwin called you a fucking slag, completely unprompted? He'd never even met you before, so who said what to him, to make him react like that?

Why do they have such a low opinion of you? That's what I'd want to get to the bottom of.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 28/09/2023 21:54

Sorry you had to go through this but those men sound like they actually hate all women and if you have to face him again I would say to him straight up that you have never forgotten what he said to you and tell him to his face that he is a dickhead and to keep out of your way. I would also be talking to your husband and asking why he never stuck up for you or did he. Are either of those married or have a partner or are they both miserable dicks, excuse my language. Some do not like to see their friends settled and happy but try not to dwell on it too much as some men just neaderthal like Laurence Fox. Hope you are ok.

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/09/2023 22:04

I need to add because it is relevant, Trevor has approached dp many times about dp working for him, I at the start made it very clear how I felt about it.

mover the years I watched dp become progressively unhappy at work. This was a good opportunity for him, in the end I supported it, for his happiness. I had no idea as did dp Erwin would be working with dp until he started.

I agree with all your comments because that is how I feel. I would never work or speak to anyone who was mean to dp, never mind work for them!

OP posts:
Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/09/2023 22:06

I suppose I just feel like, how could he be okay with anyone who upset me like that, never mind consider working for them. But ultimately I supported it.

massive shock Erwin is now his working partner. I didn’t know he even worked there

OP posts:
Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/09/2023 22:20

I spoke out tonight earlier, explained I was not okay with him working with Erwin, hurt that he is okay with it. Ended in an argument. I was open and nice about the whole thing.

he caused an argument.

i know why, it’s because he doesn’t want to hear what I am saying, I am causing a spanner in the works to his new happiness.

I have just now read out your responses to him, to show it’s not just me etc. his response was ultimately stop I get it, now got silent treatment and sulking

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2023 22:27

It's a shame you don't want more for yourself than this.

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/09/2023 22:29

but I agreed to it and supported it in the end, so that’s why I feel so conflicted

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 28/09/2023 22:29

Now he gets it? He is incredibly disloyal to even associate with these people never mind work with them; it wasn’t the only job in the world was it? At least you know where you stand

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/09/2023 22:29

I honestly don’t think he gets it at all. Either that or he thinks I am exaggerating what happened

OP posts:
Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/09/2023 22:31

He’s literally sat sulking and making me feel awful for spoiling his first week

OP posts:
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