Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you actually be okay with this? I really need honest opinions

165 replies

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/09/2023 20:59

Dp and i been together over 15 years.

He has a best mate, let’s call him Trevor. They were close friends all through high school.

When dp and I met we went on couples date with Trevor and his partner. Trevor and his partner made it obvious they did not like me. I had never met them before and was very friendly and polite.

In the years that followed we would bump into Trevor who would chat to dp but openly ignore me. Dp always said he never noticed etc.

trevor has a brother, Erwin. One night dp and I had a very rare night out. I was dancing with friends with dp watching on (dp doesn’t dance, quite a shy personality and out of his comfort zone). Dp was stood talking to Erwin.

When I got off the dance floor Erwin said to me in a very nasty manner that I was a fucking slag. Obviously I was shocked and surprised. I am most definitely not a ‘slag’ and never have been.

Fast forward a few years, Trevor started out his own business, approached dp to go work with him.

dp well aware how upset I have been in the past of Trevor’s rudeness for no reason. I made it clear I would not be happy for Dp working with a man who had been so rude to me for absolutely no reason. Trevor over the years kept coming to Dp asking him to join him in his firm.

Dp recently agreed to go given he was unhappy in his well paying roll to join Trevor for better prospects long term.

I accepted that because I could see how unhappy dp was in his role. I would just get over it.

it was recently his first week. I find out on day one his days are spent with Erwin working closely with him. Dp had no idea that would be the case.

I feel so very conflicted. I want dp to be happy at work, but ultimately I feel he is being disloyal to me, working for a man who has been horrible to me, spending his days happily with a man that called me a fucking slag for no reason.

please tell me your thoughts. Am I incredibly selfish?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 29/09/2023 15:15

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/09/2023 22:04

I need to add because it is relevant, Trevor has approached dp many times about dp working for him, I at the start made it very clear how I felt about it.

mover the years I watched dp become progressively unhappy at work. This was a good opportunity for him, in the end I supported it, for his happiness. I had no idea as did dp Erwin would be working with dp until he started.

I agree with all your comments because that is how I feel. I would never work or speak to anyone who was mean to dp, never mind work for them!

So he should have looked around and applied elsewhere

He really can't be bothered can he?

He's taken this job because it's on a plate and he hasn't confronted either of these so-called friends because it will upset the applecart and cause him hassle.

What use or ornament is he?

Nanny0gg · 29/09/2023 15:17

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/09/2023 22:47

I feel so awful for making him feel guilty

You need to woman-up!

Your partner has treated you appallingly and still is!

You have nothing to be sorry for or guilty over.

How enmeshed are you? Children? Mortgage? Shared money?

He is massively disrespecting you

Nanny0gg · 29/09/2023 15:20

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/09/2023 23:44

I just feel so let down, like his wage, our lives are in the hands of someone who disrespects me so much, that dp would and had happily gone to work for him.

I actually did get my head around Trevor, but now I know dp spends his days with Erwin really changes everything.

And to top it off, I have the silent treatment following his temper after I tried to discuss it calmly. I feel punished for having an opinion and spoiling things for him

He's a giant toddler.

If you have to come across them you don't have to 'be nice' or give them the time of day.

He either starts job hunting or you're done.

The house goes on the market and you both go your separate ways.

RandomMess · 29/09/2023 15:25

Tell DP to keep his job as it's clear your relationship is over.

It's incredibly sad that he refuses to examine his own behaviour and complicity in their attitude toward you let alone accept it's wrong.

Flowers
uncomfortablydumb53 · 29/09/2023 15:26

YANBU in the slightest
He is showing you what he thinks of you due to his passivity
A man who loves and cares for his partner wouldn't tolerate this, and would tell his so called friend where to go, certainly not agreeing to work with him
I'm sorry you must be so hurt
I would think hard about your relationship.

Nanny0gg · 29/09/2023 15:31

uncomfortablydumb53 · 29/09/2023 15:26

YANBU in the slightest
He is showing you what he thinks of you due to his passivity
A man who loves and cares for his partner wouldn't tolerate this, and would tell his so called friend where to go, certainly not agreeing to work with him
I'm sorry you must be so hurt
I would think hard about your relationship.

Especially as, even without this, it's very unbalanced

MMmomDD · 29/09/2023 15:53

@Bringonthesunforthewashing

This is a lot of drama and there is no way out of this situation that benefits anyone.

If he quits his job:
— He will resent you
— Everybody will only be more convinced he is spineless and has to bend to the will of his controlling partner
— You will not be any happier because you will resent him for not closing
to do what you forced him to do. And you’ll see him resenting you - thus the relationship deteriorates

If he doesn't quit:
— You’ll make it difficult and relationship will deteriorate

Both choices lead to the same place.

You did agree he goes to work with the friend who doesn’t like you. Which was your main issue over the years.
It feels like in making even bigger deal over his brother - whose only offence is one word years ago - is disproportionate

Are you maybe subconsciously looking for an excuse to end the relationship?

14blackcrows · 29/09/2023 16:06

You've put up with this disrespect and not had good boundaries for years. Your DP is angry because this is the first time you've not just been submissive to him to keep the peace. This looks like an incredibly one sided relationship where you have been adoring and supportive whilst he has gotten to do whatever he wants. Stop lessening yourself for him. Being called a slag is horrific. Where is your anger? Where are your boundaries? Absolutely no way id tolerate that. Id honestly leave my husband if he continued to associate with someone whod out of the blue behaved so aggressively with me and never apologised or explained. I wouldnt be sat there doing 95% of the housework and worrying about whether id made him angry with me about rightfully pointing out what a betrayal it was to work alongside someone whod called me a fucking slag. Find your self respect. There are better people out there than this. Even being alone is better than being treated like this by a bunch of men. He does not deserve you and I hope you find the strength to leave.

monsteramunch · 29/09/2023 16:10

We both work, yet our lives are based around whatever dp would like to do. I do 95% of the housework, all laundry, all cooking.

Why?!

AFieldGuideToTrees · 29/09/2023 16:13

Find your self respect.

This.

14blackcrows · 29/09/2023 16:16

I mean at the crux of it you are absolutely not unreasonable to not want your partner working alongside someone who called you a fucking slag.
The issue is that you did not put proper boundaries down about it at the time. Its still completely reasonable to have those now but it is going to be more difficult for you in terms of everyone's reaction because they've all been used to you being a pushover for so many years.
Your partner will be angry. Not because you are in the wrong but because its makes his easy life a bit more stressful and he's not used to that.
The key here is not to give one single shit about his strop.
If he wants to be with you and have a good functioning relationship with you he needs to not bloody go and work with someone who massively disrespected you and has never apologised and probably still thinks the same things.
Thats on him. Thats his choice. You have every right to expect support and respect from your partner. Do not be manipulated into having no boundaries just to appease him and give him an easy life. Your needs matter too. Your happiness matters too. And even if it doesnt seem to matter to him it really really needs to matter to you.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 29/09/2023 16:20

Your husband should have your back 100 %

My husband cut out a best mate, they had been friends for years and more like brothers, because the BF had said he didn't like me but would stay friends with my husband.

My husband said, when if your not friends with her, then your not friends me.

And that was that....

LifeExperience · 29/09/2023 16:31

There is no way my dh would ever work with a man who called me names. It wouldn't happen. Any man who disrespects me is going to hear about it from my dh because he loves and respects me.

This man has shown you over many years that he will choose his friends over you, every time. He doesn't respect you, and where there is no respect there is no love.

NoMor · 29/09/2023 16:54

I have a theory... DH says nothing about these guy's behaviour because if he does, they might tell you what DH told them that makes them hate you and think you're a slag. It's not normal for DHs not to notice this sort of thing and it's not normal for people to treat their friends spouses like this. What were DH and Erwin talking about just before he called you a slag for example?

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 29/09/2023 17:50

Well things have taken a bad turn.

I tried talking and explaining how I felt. He just more or less says what do you want me to do now.

I explained I just want to understand how he never stood up for me before and why he didn’t have my back.

he was saying he couldn’t believe how I have ruined his job, that I am trying to play the victim.

He got really angry and frustrated, has walked out and said he will be back at some point to get his stuff

OP posts:
Olika · 29/09/2023 18:00

I am sorry to hear of how things have turned out today. That's a very extreme reaction to you only sharing your feelings and thoughts with him. To me it says he doesn't see you as a team, and perhaps other people have got into his head. Give him some space while you decide what you want to do. Stay strong! ❤️‍🩹

wildwestpioneer · 29/09/2023 18:20

Well that took his 'mates' less than a week to turn the spineless tosser against you. Seems the trash is taking itself out tho

PurpleMonkeys · 29/09/2023 18:27

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 29/09/2023 17:50

Well things have taken a bad turn.

I tried talking and explaining how I felt. He just more or less says what do you want me to do now.

I explained I just want to understand how he never stood up for me before and why he didn’t have my back.

he was saying he couldn’t believe how I have ruined his job, that I am trying to play the victim.

He got really angry and frustrated, has walked out and said he will be back at some point to get his stuff

Perfect. Pack it up nice and carefully. Leave it by the front door.

Watch your life improve by several magnitudes..
Sure there'll be period where you're sad, but think of it like a storm, once it passes, the sun shines and things feel much fresher and lighter.

fevertotell · 29/09/2023 18:31

Maybe he won't stick up for you out of fear of what his friends know about him?! It seems a spineless to not stick up for your partner...what have they got on him??

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 29/09/2023 18:32

I would have a face to face with the "mates" and ask them why they have that opinon of you.

LuluBlakey1 · 29/09/2023 18:34

Chuck it in a couple of bin bags and put it outside. You are well-rid. He's pathetic.

Aviolive · 29/09/2023 18:36

LuluBlakey1 · 29/09/2023 18:34

Chuck it in a couple of bin bags and put it outside. You are well-rid. He's pathetic.

This. What a spineless twat!

Loubelle70 · 29/09/2023 18:39

14blackcrows · 29/09/2023 16:06

You've put up with this disrespect and not had good boundaries for years. Your DP is angry because this is the first time you've not just been submissive to him to keep the peace. This looks like an incredibly one sided relationship where you have been adoring and supportive whilst he has gotten to do whatever he wants. Stop lessening yourself for him. Being called a slag is horrific. Where is your anger? Where are your boundaries? Absolutely no way id tolerate that. Id honestly leave my husband if he continued to associate with someone whod out of the blue behaved so aggressively with me and never apologised or explained. I wouldnt be sat there doing 95% of the housework and worrying about whether id made him angry with me about rightfully pointing out what a betrayal it was to work alongside someone whod called me a fucking slag. Find your self respect. There are better people out there than this. Even being alone is better than being treated like this by a bunch of men. He does not deserve you and I hope you find the strength to leave.

This.
Finish with the knob jockey...hes been dissing you to his mates...which means he can compartmentalize both of your lives. Please OP... I've had this...i got rid...my self esteem was in tatters

Newestname002 · 29/09/2023 18:42

@Bringonthesunforthewashing

He got really angry and frustrated, has walked out and said he will be back at some point to get his stuff

Frankly OP, his sulking off is probably a very good thing for you. This man is more like his cronies than you think otherwise he'd have had your back, respected and cared for you enough to put a rocket up these nasty pieces of work he's friends with. Birds of a feather flock together.

I filtered your posts on your thread and was so disheartened to see what you've been prepared to put up with for 15 years - you are worth so much more than this. Reread your own posts and see how you've been mistreated all these years and do something about setting yourself free from this person. If/when, at some stage, he decides he'd like to come back, and starts pretending to be "nice" remember what you've accepted over the years and forge a better future for yourself.

Take discreet legal steps to free yourself from him and get your ducks in a row my dear. 🌹

MMmomDD · 29/09/2023 18:44

OP - I think you knew this will happen. Or tried to make happen.
It is most likely for the best for you and for him.

Something in your relationship wasn’t working and this situation had brought the relationship to its natural conclusion.

Swipe left for the next trending thread