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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you actually be okay with this? I really need honest opinions

165 replies

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/09/2023 20:59

Dp and i been together over 15 years.

He has a best mate, let’s call him Trevor. They were close friends all through high school.

When dp and I met we went on couples date with Trevor and his partner. Trevor and his partner made it obvious they did not like me. I had never met them before and was very friendly and polite.

In the years that followed we would bump into Trevor who would chat to dp but openly ignore me. Dp always said he never noticed etc.

trevor has a brother, Erwin. One night dp and I had a very rare night out. I was dancing with friends with dp watching on (dp doesn’t dance, quite a shy personality and out of his comfort zone). Dp was stood talking to Erwin.

When I got off the dance floor Erwin said to me in a very nasty manner that I was a fucking slag. Obviously I was shocked and surprised. I am most definitely not a ‘slag’ and never have been.

Fast forward a few years, Trevor started out his own business, approached dp to go work with him.

dp well aware how upset I have been in the past of Trevor’s rudeness for no reason. I made it clear I would not be happy for Dp working with a man who had been so rude to me for absolutely no reason. Trevor over the years kept coming to Dp asking him to join him in his firm.

Dp recently agreed to go given he was unhappy in his well paying roll to join Trevor for better prospects long term.

I accepted that because I could see how unhappy dp was in his role. I would just get over it.

it was recently his first week. I find out on day one his days are spent with Erwin working closely with him. Dp had no idea that would be the case.

I feel so very conflicted. I want dp to be happy at work, but ultimately I feel he is being disloyal to me, working for a man who has been horrible to me, spending his days happily with a man that called me a fucking slag for no reason.

please tell me your thoughts. Am I incredibly selfish?

OP posts:
neilyoungismyhero · 28/09/2023 22:31

We're not all the same but I genuinely would be going round there and demanding an explanation from dumb and dumber about their attitude and disrespect to you over past years. I would want to know why they were behaving in such a way. No way would I be putting up with your drip of a partner though. No loyalty or respect.

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/09/2023 22:33

That’s the thing though, I can’t say anything to either of them or dp will lose his job. If I ever run into either I have so smile sweetly and swallow my pride

OP posts:
category12 · 28/09/2023 22:36

Why do they dislike you so much?

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 28/09/2023 22:37

Your husband must have known he would be working with that vile man who insulted you horribly and did not tell you as he wanted that job.
If I were you is it possible to take yourself away for the weekend to a friend or a family member to clear your head. Do you have children. Leave them with him and let him look after them. Really difficult situation because he did not tell you that dickhead would be working with him and you were being supportive as wanted him to be happier. Try to get away to think clearly if at all possible. Your husband knew what he was doing and did not tell you. This will be an ongoing thing if he keeps working for this vile man so will be horrible for you and if he leaves for another job he will blame you also. How are things in your relationship regardless of this awful situation. Don't know what to say but you know yourself what you can live with and how it will affect you.

BlastedPimples · 28/09/2023 22:37

Your dp is a coward for not standing up to defend your good name all this time.

Is this role really so very marvellous?

Erwin and Trevor sound like a pair of primitives. And your do wants to associate with them. Ok.

So how do you feel about that? Have their feelings and strife toward you changed?

liveforsummer · 28/09/2023 22:40

Have you posted about this before? As it sounds very familiar. If so you got the same answers last time. YANBU to be annoyed and I'm surprised you gave blessing tbh

LuluBlakey1 · 28/09/2023 22:43

I don't believe your DP didn't know about Erwin. He wanted the job and he knew you would never say yes if you knew about Erwin. He thought if it came as a fait accompli after the fact, you would just accept it.

He's a weak, pathetic character , disloyal too. He should have stood up to them at the time when they were so disrespectful to you and he didn't.

I wouldn't stay with him. He's made his choice- them not you every time.

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/09/2023 22:45

Oh my goodness. Dp majority pissed off with me.

I have ruined his first week, angry. Gone to bed very angry. He doesn’t usually go for an hour or more.

I feel awful for saying anything and spoiling his positivity. Maybe I should have just kept my mouth firmly shout.

i can’t go away at the weekend as dp has a sporting weekend planned, out from 5am until 6pm sat and sun

OP posts:
Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/09/2023 22:47

I feel so awful for making him feel guilty

OP posts:
Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/09/2023 22:50

When we talked tonight, he said Erwin’s slag comment would be because he had beef drinking and down played it massively

OP posts:
WinterDeWinter · 28/09/2023 22:51

It doesnt matter whether you are, or aren't, a slag. It matters very much that this man thinks in those terms about women, and it matters very, very much that he thinks he can tell them what he thinks of them.

HerMammy · 28/09/2023 22:52

I don't know any men who would excuse his 'friend' calling his wife a fuckin slag, they'd more likely punch him!! Your DH is a doormat.

AlwaysPrettyOnTheInside · 28/09/2023 22:52

What did Erwin say when you asked him to explain his comment when he called you a slag?

What has Trevor said when called out on his behaviour?

Quartz2208 · 28/09/2023 22:53

He should not be making you feel guilty about your valid feelings - does this often hsppen

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/09/2023 22:56

I never called either out for their actions. I was shocked and embarrassed and annoyingly I sort of pretended it never happened.

dp hates any confrontation apart with me. Family, friends, he would do anything than have any awkward conversation.

OP posts:
itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 28/09/2023 22:57

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/09/2023 22:47

I feel so awful for making him feel guilty

Your "d"p has got you right where he wants you.
You feel awful??
Bloody hell, he's the one that should feel awful.
He pretends not to notice that his friend is disrespectful to you.
He didn't do anything about said friend's brother calling you a slag & now he's gone to work with these two people.
Now he's sulking and making you feel awful, he's done a right number on you.
I'd sling the fucker out of the door, his friends behave like that towards you because your "d"p allows it, he has even less respect for you than they do.
I couldn't live with a manipulative, spineless, cowardly, poor excuse of a man like your "d"p.
You deserve better

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/09/2023 22:58

I know, I think I am waking up and finally having to realise that

OP posts:
Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/09/2023 23:01

I just can’t fathom that I have explained in great detail why I am bothered and hurt, yet his response isn’t one of empathy or sympathy, just pissed off that I am spoiling his new job. That he was excited about it, I have put him in a horrible position, he doesn’t want to go to work tomorrow, it’s all my fault.

OP posts:
Damnedidont · 28/09/2023 23:05

Do you want him to resign? Is that a feasible option?

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/09/2023 23:06

no, he can’t. We need his wage and mine to pay the mortgage and rest of bills.

it’s a no win situation

OP posts:
Bobbotgegrinch · 28/09/2023 23:09

What do you actually want him to do OP? Quit his job without another one to go to?

LakeTiticaca · 28/09/2023 23:09

Yanbu. What was your Dhs reaction to this bloke calling you a slag?
My DH would have knocked his head off and that would be the end of the association with them

vdbfamily · 28/09/2023 23:12

If you are saying he cannot resign from this job then despite all the crap that has been said in the past, YABVU to make him feel bad about working there. You are not offering him a solution you are just guilt tripping him. If he said, I agree with you and will resign immediately and look for something else, what would you say? Can you exist on your salary whilst he looks?

EnchantedCastle · 28/09/2023 23:19

There is absolutely no way on earth my DP would remain friends with someone who disrespected me, let alone choose to work for them! I wouldn’t if the roles were reversed either.

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/09/2023 23:27

I totally understand, I have no solution.

I agreed to the job for his happiness and smiled sweetly. But when I found out he is spending his days with Erwin it just hurts my feelings so much. I can’t explain it.

and I also agree that any normal dp wouldn’t consider working for him, so why doesn’t mine have any problem with it?!!

OP posts: