Would you actually be okay with this? I really need honest opinions

[Bringonthesunforthewashing]

Dp and i been together over 15 years.

He has a best mate, let’s call him Trevor. They were close friends all through high school.

When dp and I met we went on couples date with Trevor and his partner. Trevor and his partner made it obvious they did not like me. I had never met them before and was very friendly and polite.

In the years that followed we would bump into Trevor who would chat to dp but openly ignore me. Dp always said he never noticed etc.

trevor has a brother, Erwin. One night dp and I had a very rare night out. I was dancing with friends with dp watching on (dp doesn’t dance, quite a shy personality and out of his comfort zone). Dp was stood talking to Erwin.

When I got off the dance floor Erwin said to me in a very nasty manner that I was a fucking slag. Obviously I was shocked and surprised. I am most definitely not a ‘slag’ and never have been.

Fast forward a few years, Trevor started out his own business, approached dp to go work with him.

dp well aware how upset I have been in the past of Trevor’s rudeness for no reason. I made it clear I would not be happy for Dp working with a man who had been so rude to me for absolutely no reason. Trevor over the years kept coming to Dp asking him to join him in his firm.

Dp recently agreed to go given he was unhappy in his well paying roll to join Trevor for better prospects long term.

I accepted that because I could see how unhappy dp was in his role. I would just get over it.

it was recently his first week. I find out on day one his days are spent with Erwin working closely with him. Dp had no idea that would be the case.

I feel so very conflicted. I want dp to be happy at work, but ultimately I feel he is being disloyal to me, working for a man who has been horrible to me, spending his days happily with a man that called me a fucking slag for no reason.

please tell me your thoughts. Am I incredibly selfish?

If he continues working there, be prepared for them to try to keep him out all the time after work. til all hours and try and drive a wedge between you.

I'd be so hurt by this. I don't expect anyone to fight my battles and especially not my partner but I would expect them not to tolerate their friends treating me really poorly.

I totally get why you eventually encouraged him to take the job and I also sort of understand why he's reacted so badly now. He's pissed off that his bubble has been burst and his job might be at risk but he shouldn't have bloody taken it in the first place.

I refuse to believe there have been no other job opportunities in all this time which meant this 'friend' was his only option.

I agree , very tricky.
You did give your blessing and assuming your DP didn’t know Erwin would be working there, it’s not his fault that that’s the case/you’ve only just found out. What do you honestly want him to do now? Leave? Can he easily get another job? I’m also not sure your happiness trumps his. I’m not saying you’re wrong to be struggling with it and Erwin in particular sounds awful.
Good summary.
OP your husband is angry and acting like this because he's cornered. He knows you have a point and that he's acted poorly in the past.
But , harsh though it may be, I think you should let him get on with it now.
He knows how you feel and he knows he's not been supportive. But let it go . Not everyone has the luxury of choosing who they work with.

Whilst it's very annoying (and rude) to ditch your friends when you get a girlfriend/boyfriend, that was 15 years ago so if that is the reason they're even more pathetic than I first thought!

I thought this could be the reason before I read this response. My ExDHs friend never liked me and I always thought this was the reason why. Do you think though that they have grown up now? If your DH is happy working there then maybe a compromise could be that he says to Erwin ‘why did you never like my wife’ see what he says. He may have grown up now and if so then why ruin a good job? Obviously if he says something negative then he should leave.

That is a good idea, dp wouldn’t dare have that conversation, would prefer to carry on as normal.

it’s obvious to me he finds me to be out of order not them, he is ignoring me. If he was at all sympathetic and understanding of this situation the last thing he would be is anger at me

I've been in your position. Partners friends and family who had never met me and knew nothing about me were horrid when I did finally meet them. His mate happily slagged me off in front of both of us, his brother approached me in the pub one night and whispered in my ear how horrible I am and how he knows all about me 🤷🏻‍♀️
Partner cracked on like normal and it hurt me alot. He struggled to see the problem and the only way I could explain it was that it felt like he was condoning their behaviour and words towards me by carrying on like nothing had happened or been said, and personally i don't think it's right of a person to condone horrid behaviour towards their partner, especially from their friends and family.

What always sat in my mind was, why do these people think these things and why do they think it's OK to behave like this towards someone they've never met before? Well I later found out it was because my partner was bad mouthing me to them before they had met me, so that's why their opinions towards me were so bad. I guess that also explained why my partner 'condoned' it and acted like they'd done nothing wrong. Becasue I guess in a way they actually hadn't, they'd just based their behaviour toward me on whatever info my partner has given them and as his friends and family I suppose they felt like they were having their mates back. My partner let them do it because it was his bullshit that made them have these opinions in the first place, so he would look like a bit of a twat if he confronted them about it when he's the one who told them I'm this terrible person.....if I were you I'd be questioning what your partner has said to these people that's made them have such a bad opinion of you as they haven't just gotten these feelings from nowhere.

I once made acquaintance with a guy that my husband respected/look up to. I didn't like the way he looked at me and although he didn't do anything, i can t put my finger on it but gave horrible sleazy vibes. I told my hb this and he cut contact immediately . It might sound like an overreaction but my husband knows that i like everybody and i like people, so for me to say this must have been something really strong.

@Bringonthesunforthewashing

To me - your relationship feels quite uneven and your behaviour is borderline unreasonable and controlling.

15 years ago - they didn’t like you. A drunk young man said something nasty.
Since then you and your DP had had years of your own life. Presumably away from the friends that didnt like you. Or at least with them not being forced on you.
And your DP has proved his loyalty to you. Must have - since you are together.

Yet - its not enough for you. You need more. And you dont care how he feels.

His unhappiness at work for years seemingly means very little to you - vs one bad word years ago that means lots.

And you are causing all kinds of drama to him in his first week of his new job. And seem to think you are totally justified in making him quit - or else his home life would be dealing with hell at home.

Tbh - I probably can understand why his friends don't like you. If he were my friend - i’d tell him to find his own strength and pull himself from this.

If he were a woman and posted about your behaviour on here - she’d be told to dump you as this is emotional abuse and highly controlling.

Sorry if this isnt what you want to hear.

I think @MMmomDD is Trevor, Erwin or the op’s partner. Probably the 3 of themSitting at work being sad little roasters writing their response to make the OP feel bad. 🤣

Op dump the spineless misogynist, he sounds weak and pathetic.

And this person is still your partner?

Vincent Adultman. Three kids in a trenchcoat. 🤣

Well your partners a total cunt really isn't he? And that's a word I rarely use. OP you sound really genuinely lovely but please stop being a doormat . He's treating you diabolically and you deserve better . His friends are cunts too

Why, because they not agreeing with you?

Perhaps the post is stronger in opinion, I think they have some points as have the members.

Surely youre dismissing someone's opinion whilst having a go that the ops husband did exactly the same

So 'cunt' is a more acceptable word to call a stranger than 'slag' then?

I see Trevor is doubling down, I mean@baileys6904 🥴

Can people stop telling women that when men are nasty to them it’s because they fancy them 🙄 this starts in the playground with girls being told boys that are mean to them fancy them but I thought we had moved on from that! I would think that something else has gone on that you don’t know about op as this is very unusual for both people to take such a strong dislike to you. Perhaps someone has said something?

I have no problem with problem with people having a go at me. MN isn't known for being balanced.

But as to OP - I do think its unhealthy to keep a grudge for 15 years. You all were younger then and i am sure none of you are the same people now. The fact that OP is still so focused on that tells more about OP’s personality than anything else.

I also think its not a great behaviour to insist on your partner choosing you over their friends - because you feel they didn't like you. Isolating your partner from
their friends is often a strategy used in emotional abuse.

The relationship OP is describing is not healthy. It has been built around her needs for 15 years.

thank you all for your comments, it has given me a lot to think about.

I did ask at the beginning if I was being selfish, so I welcome criticism too.

@MMmomDD you are entitled to your opinion of me obviously. But I will point out that I have seen both these people at various points throughout the 15 years. I am not holding a grudge over something that happened 15 years ago at all, it is a current situation. It’s every time we run into them.

I have never and would never stop dp seeing his friends, including these two. If I ever do see them I am polite and friendly, they ignore me.

I don’t control anything. We both work, yet our lives are based around whatever dp would like to do. I do 95% of the housework, all laundry, all cooking.

In return I expect him to respect me enough to have my back

I don’t control anything. We both work, yet our lives are based around whatever dp would like to do. I do 95% of the housework, all laundry, all cooking.
**
oh OP colour me utterly unshocked he’s also a selfish arse in the rest of your life. Why on Earth do you stay with him?

did you by any chance get together when you were both very young?

What a feeble cunt he is, with a weak man's anger at his wife.

Aww sweetie, yes that's right. I'm Trevor and have been a member of this group for well over a decade purely to get ready for this moment....
Thanks for the input tho

This.

@MMmomDD

I understand your viewpoint regarding money and how you view the wife as controlling to the point she is oblivious to her husband being in a job that is less stressful.

I've known men like this who actively dislike friend's partners because they end up having a lack of control of the friend. A sort of bro code that is immature and disrespectful to women. These brothers sound like bullies and apply their rules and verbal opinions without fear of repercussions from weaker men.

In such circumstances the wives end up having to defend themselves, these kinds of people enjoy creating disharmoney between couples, they exist.

Op is being faced with another bullying session and the bullies are testing her husband, they know op does not like them, they called her a slag openly to her face.

If he choses the bully brothers, he is ending his relationship with his wife in one way or another, they are buying the husband's loyalty, that's what twisted people do.

You've got a DP problem and have had one ever since you first met Trevor and he was rude and your P "didn't notice".

I'd let them get on with it. Your P obviously couldn't give a shit how his friends talk to you or about you.

Why would you want such a partner who had no respect for you.