Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you actually be okay with this? I really need honest opinions

165 replies

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/09/2023 20:59

Dp and i been together over 15 years.

He has a best mate, let’s call him Trevor. They were close friends all through high school.

When dp and I met we went on couples date with Trevor and his partner. Trevor and his partner made it obvious they did not like me. I had never met them before and was very friendly and polite.

In the years that followed we would bump into Trevor who would chat to dp but openly ignore me. Dp always said he never noticed etc.

trevor has a brother, Erwin. One night dp and I had a very rare night out. I was dancing with friends with dp watching on (dp doesn’t dance, quite a shy personality and out of his comfort zone). Dp was stood talking to Erwin.

When I got off the dance floor Erwin said to me in a very nasty manner that I was a fucking slag. Obviously I was shocked and surprised. I am most definitely not a ‘slag’ and never have been.

Fast forward a few years, Trevor started out his own business, approached dp to go work with him.

dp well aware how upset I have been in the past of Trevor’s rudeness for no reason. I made it clear I would not be happy for Dp working with a man who had been so rude to me for absolutely no reason. Trevor over the years kept coming to Dp asking him to join him in his firm.

Dp recently agreed to go given he was unhappy in his well paying roll to join Trevor for better prospects long term.

I accepted that because I could see how unhappy dp was in his role. I would just get over it.

it was recently his first week. I find out on day one his days are spent with Erwin working closely with him. Dp had no idea that would be the case.

I feel so very conflicted. I want dp to be happy at work, but ultimately I feel he is being disloyal to me, working for a man who has been horrible to me, spending his days happily with a man that called me a fucking slag for no reason.

please tell me your thoughts. Am I incredibly selfish?

OP posts:
RandomForest · 29/09/2023 18:56

He's made a choice, lets hope if doesn't backfire, when he decides he wants to return.

No second chances, you know where his loyalties lie and that's with himself and his friends ....

at the moment.

On another note his getting closer to these 'friends' after fifteen years could suggest there is something else going on. I've found when people invite old friends and peers back then they are thinking of their past life when single.

So many times when men have affairs for example they bring old wingmen friends back into the fold, or they are influenced by an old friend who's going through divorce or separation. It's not unheard of.

There seems to be some resentment here and he's pushing back on being suposedly controlled, perhaps he's engineered this.

I don't think he's worth taking back, he's weak, unsupportive and not very protective of his primary partner, what good is he ?

Regardless of how boorish his friends are no one should be called a fucking slag and no one should have to forgive someone who has called them that, if he chooses to ignor their disgusting behaviour then you have someone who does not have your back.

Ungrateful bastard.
Do you have children ?

GodDammitCecil · 29/09/2023 19:08

Purpleraiin · 29/09/2023 10:11

I've been in your position. Partners friends and family who had never met me and knew nothing about me were horrid when I did finally meet them. His mate happily slagged me off in front of both of us, his brother approached me in the pub one night and whispered in my ear how horrible I am and how he knows all about me 🤷🏻‍♀️
Partner cracked on like normal and it hurt me alot. He struggled to see the problem and the only way I could explain it was that it felt like he was condoning their behaviour and words towards me by carrying on like nothing had happened or been said, and personally i don't think it's right of a person to condone horrid behaviour towards their partner, especially from their friends and family.

What always sat in my mind was, why do these people think these things and why do they think it's OK to behave like this towards someone they've never met before? Well I later found out it was because my partner was bad mouthing me to them before they had met me, so that's why their opinions towards me were so bad. I guess that also explained why my partner 'condoned' it and acted like they'd done nothing wrong. Becasue I guess in a way they actually hadn't, they'd just based their behaviour toward me on whatever info my partner has given them and as his friends and family I suppose they felt like they were having their mates back. My partner let them do it because it was his bullshit that made them have these opinions in the first place, so he would look like a bit of a twat if he confronted them about it when he's the one who told them I'm this terrible person.....if I were you I'd be questioning what your partner has said to these people that's made them have such a bad opinion of you as they haven't just gotten these feelings from nowhere.

’Partner’? Or ex-partner?

Confused
GodDammitCecil · 29/09/2023 19:13

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 29/09/2023 12:35

thank you all for your comments, it has given me a lot to think about.

I did ask at the beginning if I was being selfish, so I welcome criticism too.

@MMmomDD you are entitled to your opinion of me obviously. But I will point out that I have seen both these people at various points throughout the 15 years. I am not holding a grudge over something that happened 15 years ago at all, it is a current situation. It’s every time we run into them.

I have never and would never stop dp seeing his friends, including these two. If I ever do see them I am polite and friendly, they ignore me.

I don’t control anything. We both work, yet our lives are based around whatever dp would like to do. I do 95% of the housework, all laundry, all cooking.

In return I expect him to respect me enough to have my back

I don’t control anything. We both work, yet our lives are based around whatever dp would like to do. I do 95% of the housework, all laundry, all cooking.

You’ve been with this man a long time. The relationship has run its course.

Kindly OP, I do think it is time to grow up a little bit.

Move on, and next time don’t give up all control of your own life to anyone - let alone someone who doesn’t even like or respect you. And don’t be his housemaid!

If you want someone to not respect you much (and therefore not like you very much), then doing everything for them is a good way of going about that.

CountessKathleen · 29/09/2023 19:20

@GodDammitCecil is right, OP. Take control of your own life, be single for a while, have therapy, work on your self-esteem and boundaries, and resolve never to be put in this position again.

Loubelle70 · 29/09/2023 19:55

Let him fetch his stuff..hes a coward. He wants everything to carry on as before even if it means people close to him disrespect you..and he doesnt have words. He can be shitty with you but gives different persona to everyone else. Pack his stuff for him x

ISeeARedDoorAndIWantToBreakIn · 29/09/2023 22:11

Him flouncing off is good for you. He’s got a new job, now he needs a new home.
You’re well rid of him.

GoldenSpangles · 30/09/2023 04:11

So you work and do almost all the domestic work. He is supremely unconcerned that one of his friends called you a f...ing slag. He somehow hears nothing and sees nothing. His friends are always rude to you. He then wants to entangle your lives with his friends by working for them.

I am sorry as I know you probably feel awful but I think the loss of this pathetic specimen might be good thing. For a worm he has certainly had you in your place for years as wage earner and domestic skivy and how convenient that he can only argue with you. You deserve somebody much more loyal.

BettyPhuckzer · 30/09/2023 06:50

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 29/09/2023 17:50

Well things have taken a bad turn.

I tried talking and explaining how I felt. He just more or less says what do you want me to do now.

I explained I just want to understand how he never stood up for me before and why he didn’t have my back.

he was saying he couldn’t believe how I have ruined his job, that I am trying to play the victim.

He got really angry and frustrated, has walked out and said he will be back at some point to get his stuff

Some people are incapable of looking at the part they played in a situation and owning up to it

He wants to blame you for everything because that lets him off the hook

Don't be with a man like this

autienotnaughty · 30/09/2023 07:10

I don't think you have been unreasonable. Tbh if any of dh friends spoke to me like that I would expect dh to confront them. And be willing to lose the friendship if it didn't get resolved.
Taking the job was agreed, it's crap he pressured you to agree by continuing to bring it up. But If he's really happy I'd have left him to crack on and just not got involved. I've never met dh work colleagues.

Your not wrong and it's likely your dp is trying to manipulate you because it's better for him if you agree and pretend to be happy. Personally I'd pack his bags

AHelpfulHand · 30/09/2023 07:44

It’s ok with people saying “I’d pack his bags for him etc” but OP can’t afford the house without him.

She has a mortgage that she will now default on if she packs his bags.

You need to think really hard about what happens next and what you want OP.

If you want to leave him, then you need to plan it properly so you aren’t in the shit financially.

If you want to stay with him, then you need to sort it out with him, but I do think in order for you to overcome this issue with his friends, he needs to cut contact with them.

AlwaysPrettyOnTheInside · 30/09/2023 07:46

Can you get lodgers in ASAP op?

Do not let him back when he thinks he can waltz on back when he feels like it.

Pack his stuff up and get lodgers in to cover the mortgage if you cant afford it on your own.

MrsMarkRonson · 30/09/2023 11:47

So sorry it ended like this OP. Was in a similar situation with now ex DH and its awful. I hope everything works out Ok for you.

MNetcurtains · 30/09/2023 11:56

Sounds like a completely selfish bastard to me. He's not bothered by anything that doesn't directly impact him. Is he like this about everything?

Nanny0gg · 30/09/2023 12:47

AlwaysPrettyOnTheInside · 30/09/2023 07:46

Can you get lodgers in ASAP op?

Do not let him back when he thinks he can waltz on back when he feels like it.

Pack his stuff up and get lodgers in to cover the mortgage if you cant afford it on your own.

This

Greengrassohla · 30/09/2023 15:36

Are there literally only 2 companies he could work for?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread