Would you actually be okay with this? I really need honest opinions

[Bringonthesunforthewashing]

Dp and i been together over 15 years.

He has a best mate, let’s call him Trevor. They were close friends all through high school.

When dp and I met we went on couples date with Trevor and his partner. Trevor and his partner made it obvious they did not like me. I had never met them before and was very friendly and polite.

In the years that followed we would bump into Trevor who would chat to dp but openly ignore me. Dp always said he never noticed etc.

trevor has a brother, Erwin. One night dp and I had a very rare night out. I was dancing with friends with dp watching on (dp doesn’t dance, quite a shy personality and out of his comfort zone). Dp was stood talking to Erwin.

When I got off the dance floor Erwin said to me in a very nasty manner that I was a fucking slag. Obviously I was shocked and surprised. I am most definitely not a ‘slag’ and never have been.

Fast forward a few years, Trevor started out his own business, approached dp to go work with him.

dp well aware how upset I have been in the past of Trevor’s rudeness for no reason. I made it clear I would not be happy for Dp working with a man who had been so rude to me for absolutely no reason. Trevor over the years kept coming to Dp asking him to join him in his firm.

Dp recently agreed to go given he was unhappy in his well paying roll to join Trevor for better prospects long term.

I accepted that because I could see how unhappy dp was in his role. I would just get over it.

it was recently his first week. I find out on day one his days are spent with Erwin working closely with him. Dp had no idea that would be the case.

I feel so very conflicted. I want dp to be happy at work, but ultimately I feel he is being disloyal to me, working for a man who has been horrible to me, spending his days happily with a man that called me a fucking slag for no reason.

please tell me your thoughts. Am I incredibly selfish?

Maybe because you didn't say anything to them yourself.

Could you have a clear the air discussion with all four of you to get past it and your dp can continue to work there?

This.

Truthfully, I would be very irritated, but I wouldn't want something like that to get in the way of dh furthering himself or our family. BUT my dh would be enraged if someone disrespected me like that and would be very direct with them about it too. He wouldn't tolerate that from his friends and they'd know better than to do that. He wouldn't socialise with them if they did it repeatedly. So that's why I wouldn't care because it would have been dealt with at the time.

Erwin might be a disgusting misogynist who when drinking thinks its fine to open up and verbally abuse random women who are drinking and dancing and having a good time. But the pattern of both of them being rude and disrespectful to you repeatedly would make me worry how your dh speaks about you when he's with them and you aren't around. And therefore in your scenario no I would not want him around them because I don't think I'd trust him.

Your problem lies with your dh not either of the other two and it's not about the job specifically and that's what he's struggling to grasp. How respectful is your dh to you normally? About women normally?

I just feel so let down, like his wage, our lives are in the hands of someone who disrespects me so much, that dp would and had happily gone to work for him.

I actually did get my head around Trevor, but now I know dp spends his days with Erwin really changes everything.

And to top it off, I have the silent treatment following his temper after I tried to discuss it calmly. I feel punished for having an opinion and spoiling things for him

Sorry if I’ve missed this, but what did your DP say when Erwin called you a slag?

Your partner doesn't even like you, you are just a convenient female who cooks, cleans, can have sex with and makes his day to day life a bit easier.
He doesn't like you, he doesn't respect you and he doesn't care about your feelings.
Trevor and Erwin probably slag you off everyday and I bet he just laughs along or even tells them things about you.
Essentially your partner hates women just as much as Trev and Erwin but he needs one so he does the bare minimum to keep one around.

No, you're not being unreasonable, who the fuck doesn't stand up when their partner is disrespected like that. Not only that how could you not have a backbone and willingly work with that person knowing this.

You're in a no win situation work wise but to me, you're not guilting him, he's guilting you for voicing your opinion.

Ruined his first week of work, please. His first week of work with the people that hate his partner

There is no way on this earth that I would smile and nod to either of the men to ‘keep the peace’. They will love having the satisfaction that your DH is on board with their company despite the fact they called his wife a slag. They will be encouraging him to have nights out, get pissed at the work dos and generally wanting your DH to disrespect you. You can play it one of two ways - A) Say to DH, ‘look you’ve made the decision, it’s a fresh start but do not expect me to go to any work events, pop in the office or entertain either Trevor or his cu*t of his brother EVER’ and just ensure you never cross paths with them. Or B) Next time you run in to Erwin shake his hand firmly, smile and say ‘Erwin, lovely to see you, it’s been too long. I haven’t seen you since that night in the Royal Oak when you called me a slag!’ And call him out on his awful behaviour in front of Trevor, your DH and whoever else is there. I suppose it comes down to whether you are a people pleaser who wants to keep the peace for the sake of your marriage and domestic arrangements or whether you’re a bit more feisty. I think I’d rather be destitute than have to be pleasant to someone who was so unkind to me.

What shame he never got "angry " at his friends for treating you like shit and calling you a slag.

What a fucking coward, he is.

It could be the beginning of the end, he's clearly chosen them over you.
I'd probably go down a disengaging route. He knows your feelings about it, you know his, so arguing further a out it is probably pointless. So ignore it, don't talk of it, don't have them round your personal life. If he insists on working with them, so be it, but you don't have to be nice to them. Avoid where possible, but if you do ever meet, be the same level of nice that they are to you - ie, not at all, you need to figure out some comebacks. Or just something like IDGAF about your opinions of me. Stick up for yourself, because your DP clearly isn't ( and work outan exit plan meantime).

I think you'll regret staying with a man like this, he has no values, no person would place all their eggs in one basket and even socialize with men that have spoken like this to you, let alone allow himself to be financially dependant on them. I know beggars can't be choosers but geez, they called you a fucking slag.

It's a huge betrayal and it shows that he has no protective feelings towards you, hell I wouldn't even trust he to put his own children before his bullying friends, he has no backbone.

They bullied you and he allowed it, not only that he continued to be in their company, he knows they don't like you, and they know he hasn't done jack shit to defend your honour.

What's the point of him.

He's not your friend or ally.
Get rid, he's a bag of shit.

“Slag” - how coarse and uncouth. How old are you all? Why would you or your DP associate with people like that?

What a pathetic little man dp is. He continues to associate with his best friend who is rude to you. His best friend's brother has called you a f..g slag in front of your dp. And he is happy working with the brother and has now sulked off.

I wouldn't be worrying about affecting his positivity. In your situation, I would have a firm grip on his gonads and squeezing hard. I mean it's not as if he needs them, is it. I don't think I believe him that he didn't know he would be working with Ervin. Honestly though I would never have let it get that far. I know you have invested 15 years in this relationship but a guinea pig would be more manly than your dp.

These misogynists are 3 peas in a pod, aren’t they?

Trevor and Erwin have the measure of your sycophant Partner. They clearly see how little he thinks of you. Not only does he allow them to insult you with rudeness and abuse you with vulgar name-calling, but he is now rewarding them by helping them make money. You’re right — it’s sickening to know that they wield such power over P and your family’s financial future. He’ll soon be enmeshed in their social lives, but you don’t have to be. Please don’t diminish yourself by smiling sweetly at these beasts. Avoid and gray rock them as much as possible, and call them out if they continue their nasty behavior.

@Bringonthesunforthewashing, P doesn’t respect your dignity and isn’t really ‘by your side.’ He doesn’t care about your feelings or boundaries. [What a damaging relationship model your children are absorbing.] He threw you under the bus to please the bullies, and is now partnering with your abuser Erwin. When you asserted your self-respect today, he manipulated you with anger and the silent treatment to make you STFU and get back in your lane.

I would lose all trust and respect for this man, and would be reconsidering the relationship and looking at my options.

God, my DH would have cut contact with Trevor for his rudeness when it started so the job wouldn't have even been an option. And if he hadn't have cut contact I'd have binned him.

I get how you’re feeling. Sounds tough. Feels like a boundary has been crossed. Erwin is a dick & so is Trev. Your partner is a shit for selling out to them. You sound lovely.x

Edwin probably fancies you!

Men who call women slags also hugely admire men who boast of laying a different woman every night

My exDH was estranged from most of his family because of an argument I had with his mother. (I never expected him to btw, his family just cut him off). Here you are, with a DP who has known for years that his "friend" has never liked you, and that his brother has been openly disrespectful, and not only does he continue the friendship, but goes to work for this person!!! You deserve better OP.

This is so pathetic.

Nobody likes confrontation?!

But sometimes - as grown-ups - we have to front up and deal with things, instead of cowardly standing in the shadows.

And as you say - he has zero issues around confrontation with you. It’s just men he’s scared of.

Pathetic, sub-standard little boy. How can you want to be with him?

So you’ve been with your DP for 15 years, it sounds as though Trevor was an arsehole at the beginning of your relationship, not by anything he said, but by deliberately excluding you from conversations? What have his interactions been like with you more recently? It also reads that the interaction with Erwin was a few years ago as well?

Just wondering if you were all very young when these incidents happened? It doesn’t excuse it but I would be a bit more forgiving if say 19 year old drunk Erwin called me a slag in a nightclub than if he was 30. Unfortunately your DP should have challenged it at the time and it is a little unreasonable for you to declare how unhappy you are that he’s taken the job a week in, when you gave him the go ahead and he’s got no real options to leave.

I think in your position I’d be making it clear to DP that you hope both Trevor and Erwin have changed over the past few years and that you expect to be treated with the utmost respect the next time you see them. If your DP still hasn’t developed any kind of backbone and still allows them to be disrespectful to you then I don’t think you can continue in the relationship.

I think this is a bit of a lesson here. You kept the peace after being called a fucking slag, but it’s at that point that dodgy Erwin’s behaviour needed confronting. If it wasn’t going to be by your partner it should have been by you. Neither of you have confronted these twats, so I guess for your partner you had the same attitude as him by keeping the peace despite the massive provocation.

I had one of my husband’s friends do something dodgy once and I blew up at him, which meant it was inevitable my husband would say something to him too. But you both seem very passive.

You could now see either of these people and simply ask why you got off on the wrong foot? Personally I think if the mortgage is now being paid by this job you can’t blow up unfortunately, but you can politely put them on the spot which will remind them not to fuck with you. They sound like bullies, and any kind of confrontation no matter how polite is not something twats like that are into. They’ll probably deny they have a problem and stop being so bloody awful with you.

Lesson for next time, anyone calls you a slag it’s time to go absolutely interstellar berserk. If anyone called me that the while of the UK would hear the explosion, and my husband would not have a job offer from them after!

Thank you for all your comments.

I hardly slept all night and been awake since 4.

He totally blanked me when he got up, sent a snotty message saying he would find another job from downstairs. How pissed off and resentful he is.

I feel awful for spoiling everything for him, but still feel everything else I explained.

He hates me it’s obvious.

@Bringonthesunforthewashing he doesn't hate you, he's feeling guilty that he's never stood up to these two idiots and resentful that he's now facing a possible confrontation...

I had a partner where a few times someone pulled me down in front of him and he made out he didn't hear it. That's BS, he was just too cowardly to address it .so i had to do it myself.
Your OH needs to address this or else youll always have this