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Original poster

Would you actually be okay with this? I really need honest opinions

165 replies

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 28/09/2023 20:59

Dp and i been together over 15 years.

He has a best mate, let’s call him Trevor. They were close friends all through high school.

When dp and I met we went on couples date with Trevor and his partner. Trevor and his partner made it obvious they did not like me. I had never met them before and was very friendly and polite.

In the years that followed we would bump into Trevor who would chat to dp but openly ignore me. Dp always said he never noticed etc.

trevor has a brother, Erwin. One night dp and I had a very rare night out. I was dancing with friends with dp watching on (dp doesn’t dance, quite a shy personality and out of his comfort zone). Dp was stood talking to Erwin.

When I got off the dance floor Erwin said to me in a very nasty manner that I was a fucking slag. Obviously I was shocked and surprised. I am most definitely not a ‘slag’ and never have been.

Fast forward a few years, Trevor started out his own business, approached dp to go work with him.

dp well aware how upset I have been in the past of Trevor’s rudeness for no reason. I made it clear I would not be happy for Dp working with a man who had been so rude to me for absolutely no reason. Trevor over the years kept coming to Dp asking him to join him in his firm.

Dp recently agreed to go given he was unhappy in his well paying roll to join Trevor for better prospects long term.

I accepted that because I could see how unhappy dp was in his role. I would just get over it.

it was recently his first week. I find out on day one his days are spent with Erwin working closely with him. Dp had no idea that would be the case.

I feel so very conflicted. I want dp to be happy at work, but ultimately I feel he is being disloyal to me, working for a man who has been horrible to me, spending his days happily with a man that called me a fucking slag for no reason.

please tell me your thoughts. Am I incredibly selfish?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bringonthesunforthewashing · 29/09/2023 07:43

He sent me a further text to say just how resentful he is and he’s had enough, then another saying he would speak to his previous boss tonight.

He is angry and trying to make me feel guilty and it’s working

OP posts:
renomeno · 29/09/2023 07:46

I would want to understand where the issue came from in the first place though? Was there a previous partner involved? Could there be a situation that you don't know about?

It sounds very odd that Trevor would take an instant dislike and then his brother too?? Maybe your partner has never explained the situation fully... I can't help but think there's more of a backstory than you know about?

strawberry2017 · 29/09/2023 07:46

You have bigger problems then this job. Your communication is terrible. He should defend you when comments are made and you need to stand up for yourself.

Motnight · 29/09/2023 07:49

renomeno · 29/09/2023 07:39

@Bringonthesunforthewashing he doesn't hate you, he's feeling guilty that he's never stood up to these two idiots and resentful that he's now facing a possible confrontation...

He might not hate her, but he sure as hell hasn't got her back either.

AlwaysPrettyOnTheInside · 29/09/2023 07:49

I think you need to have it out with them.

From the description it sounds like there might have been a bit of mistaken identity at the beginning?

For Trevor and partner to dislike you and be off with you from the start, and Edwin calling you a slag for no reason, maybe they thought you were someone else?

Would it be possible to do this? It could all be a misunderstanding.

Olika · 29/09/2023 07:49

I am trying to understand how you two have ended up to this situation. Did you tell your DP at the time when you noticed the attitude and later when the comment was made? Or was now the first time you really spoke about it all?

Booklover40 · 29/09/2023 07:50

My main take from your OP are “Jesus, are they really called Trevor and Erwin”? They sound like something from the film “Deliverance”!

All I can say is, if one of DH’s friends had ever spoken to me/treated me like that they would no longer be in possession of their front teeth, never mind having my dh then go working for them. He (your dp) sounds like an unsupportive wet lettuce.

Original poster
Bringonthesunforthewashing · 29/09/2023 07:52

The only reason I can think they would dislike me, when we got together it was full on and intense, we were inseparable.

Prior to us meeting he would spend his weekends with Trevor and all his other friends.

Maybe they thought I put a stop to him going out. Daft thing is I wanted to go out and have fun, dp didn’t, we stayed in because of him!

OP posts:
PurpleMonkeys · 29/09/2023 07:53

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2023 21:07

Never invest yourself in a man who's not invested in you. Your "partner" is shameful. You are not a team, you never have been, and you never will be.

This.

Nonplusultra · 29/09/2023 07:54

I’d struggle to respect a partner who allowed a comment like that to pass. Aside from standing up for you, he isn’t even standing up for himself. Erwin has been incredibly disrespectful to your dp as well as to you.

And yes, drink had been taken, and it’s probably a wise course of action not to get into it there and then, but anyone (man or woman) with a modicum of self respect would either pull them up later, or distance themselves.

Original poster
Bringonthesunforthewashing · 29/09/2023 07:57

Dp has always been aware of both their behaviour. I always spoke of it after we saw either of them.

He always said he didn’t notice and didn’t hear Erwin call me a fucking slag

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 29/09/2023 08:00

He always said he didn’t notice and didn’t hear Erwin call me a fucking slag

So? You telling him that's what Erwin said should carry as much weight as him having heard it himself, unless he thinks you're lying about what was said?

And if he thinks that, the relationship isn't worth saving anyway.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 29/09/2023 08:00

OP you’ve been with your ‘D’P for 15 years? I assume you must be all in your 30s? is this how you want yj live the rest of your life? With a cowardly DP who doesn’t respect you and puts his friends first?

trevor & Erwin are clearly cunts of the highest order. The fact your DP is so fond of them would have all kinds of alarm bells clanging to me.

and now you’re financially dependent on them

I think you need to start considering your life choices

Original poster
Bringonthesunforthewashing · 29/09/2023 08:00

Everyone in here has more or less said the same thing.

When explained to dp, why is his reaction an angry one? I get he’s now working there and it’s important to me, but last night he made excuses for Erwin’s comments. Totally downplaying them and suggested I am overreacting

OP posts:
PurpleMonkeys · 29/09/2023 08:01

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 29/09/2023 07:52

The only reason I can think they would dislike me, when we got together it was full on and intense, we were inseparable.

Prior to us meeting he would spend his weekends with Trevor and all his other friends.

Maybe they thought I put a stop to him going out. Daft thing is I wanted to go out and have fun, dp didn’t, we stayed in because of him!

I will bet you dollars to doughnuts that they don't like you because your arsehole of a partner spoke about you to them and not in the nicest ways..

In fact I can hear it now...

Trevor and Erwin, planning a piss up, your other half being a cowardly little shit heel,
"No I can't come, you know how her indoors is, she'll moan and complain if I go out. Oh yeah she goes out all the time with her mates on the piss, but I ain't allowed..."
So on and so on and so on.
It's easier to blame you as to why he doesn't go out than stand up and tell them he wants to stay home with a dvd and you.

How you managed to last 15 years is a miracle, I'd have chucked the prick LOOOOONG AGO.

Booklover40 · 29/09/2023 08:02

He always said he didn’t notice and didn’t hear Erwin call me a fucking slag

So he’s also insinuating you were lying? Nice. And it conveniently gets him off the hook doesn’t it?

Absolute coward.

wildwestpioneer · 29/09/2023 08:06

My dh would have cut contact with Trevor and I dread to think what would have happened if he's heard Erwin call me a slag.

I agree with a PP that your dh probably used you as an excuse not to go out in the early days, like the spineless wanker he is, rather than telling his mates he'd rather go out with you.

As for this job, he's going to go into work today, whinge about you and they will drip feed shit about you into his ear, unfortunately I think you can kiss goodbye to your relationship now they've got his ear.

As for him speaking to his old boss, good, I'd not back down in this position op, you've let Trevor disrespect you for years, and it's start to happen again.

Passepartoute · 29/09/2023 08:09

I get that your partner didn't notice Trevor ignoring you the first time or two. But after you had drawn it to his attention, how could he continue not to notice? Was it just convenient to him to keep his eyes closed to it? Or didn't it bother him that his friend was being extremely rude to you?

Original poster
Bringonthesunforthewashing · 29/09/2023 08:12

i agree, how could he not notice when I had drawn it to his attention.

His response was always that he didn’t notice and no idea why he would be that way. In no part of his head did he consider asking him because maybe he thought I was overthinking. The first time he did notice it, apologised to me for his rude behaviour, nothing said to Trevor

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 29/09/2023 08:15

PurpleMonkeys · 29/09/2023 08:01

I will bet you dollars to doughnuts that they don't like you because your arsehole of a partner spoke about you to them and not in the nicest ways..

In fact I can hear it now...

Trevor and Erwin, planning a piss up, your other half being a cowardly little shit heel,
"No I can't come, you know how her indoors is, she'll moan and complain if I go out. Oh yeah she goes out all the time with her mates on the piss, but I ain't allowed..."
So on and so on and so on.
It's easier to blame you as to why he doesn't go out than stand up and tell them he wants to stay home with a dvd and you.

How you managed to last 15 years is a miracle, I'd have chucked the prick LOOOOONG AGO.

Show quote history

This

greatvisuals · 29/09/2023 08:26

These 3 men are misogynists.

They all hate women.

I think your partner has fed the 2 'friends' horrendous false stories about you in order to keep you separate from them and so he can carry on joining in with their women hating banter when you're not around.
He is now punishing you to train you not to ever say anything negative about these two 'friends' ever again.

You really need to get away from this man so you can live a full and happy life.

They are all vile, pathetic specimens.

Olika · 29/09/2023 08:27

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 29/09/2023 08:12

i agree, how could he not notice when I had drawn it to his attention.

His response was always that he didn’t notice and no idea why he would be that way. In no part of his head did he consider asking him because maybe he thought I was overthinking. The first time he did notice it, apologised to me for his rude behaviour, nothing said to Trevor

This is what I cannot get my head around. I think it's a conversation on its own you need to have with your DH at some point as it's not ok. I couldn't be with my DH if he didn't have my back and I couldn't talk to him about anything and anybody, and him taking my word for it and taking action.

Dibbydoos · 29/09/2023 08:29

Edwin is a DH. End of. Trevor is rude. End of.

Your hubby knows you're not happy, you've been very clear, no need to argue about it. Leave it be, let him get on with his work there. You don't need to be involved with his work or friends, so butt out.

I have a feeling your DH won't stay there long anyways.

baileys6904 · 29/09/2023 08:35

Sorry if I've missed this but how many years have passed between the comment and now??

Maybe I'm on my own but I'd have been pissed at my OH and the idiot back then but it sounds like a number of years have passed, it's a job that's working well for your husband and the idiot is just a work colleague?

If that's the case, I'd not socialise with them etc but I wouldn't ask my OH to change jobs. Is your OH spending time outside of work with them? If not, don't let the idiot get in the way of your relationship now. Your OH should have stood up when it happened. That's a seperate matter, but I wouldn't letting the idiot win

BetterWithPockets · 29/09/2023 08:36

I think this is a tricky one, OP. You did give your blessing and, assuming your DP didn’t know Erwin would be working there, it’s not his fault that that’s the case/you’ve only just found out. What do you honestly want him to do now? Leave? Can he easily get another job? I’m also not sure your happiness trumps his. I’m not saying you’re wrong to be struggling with it (and Erwin in particular sounds awful) but as a few other PP have said, working with someone is different from, say, your DH wanting to invite the man to your home.