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Original poster

I don't like what I heard

184 replies

Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 17:12

My partner and father of my children had a female friend over today. I've been suspecious of them before but he assured me nothing was going on and he'd never leave our children

Anyway, today I was having a nap and overheard something I didn't like. She asked him why he was being weird hugging her differently here and he said what do you mean and she said you aren't hugging me properly like we normally do, you're giving me weird one arm hugs, and sitting away from her and what's wrong with you. It was jokey tone wise but it was obvious she sounded genuine confused. He just got flustered and said nothing and then it just went quiet.

I don't know what to think. Well maybe I do but what does anyone else think?

OP posts:
openallday · 30/09/2023 11:30

Why is she questioning his hug? She has no right to demand physical affection from a man in a relationship anyway

Especially whilst she's in that woman's home

5128gap · 30/09/2023 12:23

openallday · 30/09/2023 11:30

Why is she questioning his hug? She has no right to demand physical affection from a man in a relationship anyway

Especially whilst she's in that woman's home

Not sure why this is being framed as her demanding physical affection. Clearly it's something he gives her on a regular basis, not something she's coercing him to do. She asked why he's being less affectionate, no doubt picking up on the fact he is being different with her when his partner is near by, and hopefully recognising it as the red flag it is. That her 'friend' behaves with her in ways he wouldn't want his partner to see.
She is also not in another woman's home as an intruder. She is an invited guest of the man who also lives there.

Therealjudgejudy · 30/09/2023 12:55

Op, you know this relationship is completley inappropriate right?

Why on earth are you putting up with this?

Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 30/09/2023 17:48

Sorry I havent read replies yet I've found something else and not been able to come on. When I came upstairs I noticed a bag that wasn't there before so I looked in and it was a man's top. I asked him about it and he said the friend bought it for him. Apparently he gave her the money but he asked her if she saw another one of some top he said he liked when they were together shopping coukd she get it. I went mental as that seems like of its anyones job it's his, or mine. But that is too close for a friend?

OP posts:
BadBadDecisions · 30/09/2023 17:53

On its own maybe not, but you've got a whole lot of context already, that this is much more than your standard friendship. It's quite a territorial thing to do.

readbooksdrinktea · 30/09/2023 17:57

This is a weird dynamic all around.

Goldfish41 · 30/09/2023 18:14

From your updates I am thinking that perhaps she has interest in him - as @BadBadDecisions said it’s quite a territorial thing to do.

Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 30/09/2023 18:20

The bit thats annoyed me most is that he asked her to. So I can't even blame her. We had a big fight about jealousy as I flipped

OP posts:
Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 30/09/2023 18:20

I'm half tempted to bring it up with her and see if his story matches

OP posts:
jays · 30/09/2023 18:29

Fassbender2020 · 30/09/2023 17:48

Sorry I havent read replies yet I've found something else and not been able to come on. When I came upstairs I noticed a bag that wasn't there before so I looked in and it was a man's top. I asked him about it and he said the friend bought it for him. Apparently he gave her the money but he asked her if she saw another one of some top he said he liked when they were together shopping coukd she get it. I went mental as that seems like of its anyones job it's his, or mine. But that is too close for a friend?

OP, there are folk on here being horrible and folk being nice. If this is real…. And I believe you, I do, I’m actually really upset for you because this isn’t on. I don’t care what anyone says, this is a woman that your dh met 2 years after he met you. She’s now is best friend. On the female front, you should be his best friend and I don’t give a shit who tries to say otherwise. I did think it was innocent when she said why would you hug me differently … if there was something going on why would she ask that? I kinda likened it to if you were dating a man who had kids and when you were out with the kids he hugged you differently … but you’re his wife! It would have stuck in my head too when he said about not being able to see the kids again being too much for him. I would think … what about me though … but truly … only you know! I’m not controlling or overly jealous (you should feel jealousy if your dh is liking another woman that way) there is no way I’d be ok with dh having a bff that he met after we got together. Just no. It’s a recipe for disaster because imo it’s more than friendship for at least one of them. If it was me…. I’d confront her and ask and call it out., Fuck it … what have you got to lose? Anything you lose from doing that, you’ve already lost. You don’t deserve to live like this, Ffs you went for a nap, you have a baby! I would be going mental with both of them in the same room at this point. It’s not on! Xxx

Catsafterme · 30/09/2023 18:32

Yeah, I dunno. On it's own maybe but with everything else it seems a bit off. Like, assuming friends go shopping together but with the cuddling, the comment, and buying things.

Not sure, maybe it's just way I'm seeing it but almost seems like a secondary relationship to a point. Whether that's him, her, both or not at all, I can't tell but I get your concerns.

Gnomegnomegnome · 30/09/2023 18:35

@Fassbender2020 they are both taking the piss imo.
Even if they aren’t anything other than friends they are being massively disrespectful of you.

Do you have a close male friend and would you behave like they are?

Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 30/09/2023 18:39

No I dont. I have lots of friends male and female but I wouldn't ask another man to shop for me, I wouldn't do that with my partner either. My head is spinning. I find it so so weird that neither of them think this is an inappropriate thing to do. His main response was it's just a top, it's just a top but to me it's an intimate thing to do and if he doesn't see that, I don't know what to say to that

OP posts:
Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 30/09/2023 18:41

Also if it was just on her side it doesn't explain him. He's inviting her places, he's asking her things so Im more inclined to believe it's him than her or both

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 30/09/2023 18:42

And now presumably every time you see that top...

It's weird, even weirder they don't see it being weird.

truthhurts23 · 30/09/2023 19:04

OP listen to your gut, do NOT let him gaslight you

BetterWithPockets · 30/09/2023 19:07

SisterMichaelsHabit · 28/09/2023 17:49

OP it sounds like he has quite an affectionate relationship with her usually and maybe he was trying to tone it down in front of you. Whether that's something to worry about or not depends on how you feel about the situation. I'd talk to him if I were you and see what he says.

This, OP….

truthhurts23 · 30/09/2023 19:13

Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 20:50

Ive told him I heard and he said what some of you did. That he's on edge after me before. I said why would I care if you sat next to a friend rather than on opposite side of room and he said he was just being cautious. I said it didn't explain the hug thing and why would he hug her differently elsewhere if he just meant it friendly and he clearly didn't know what to say. So I don't know. I don't think he actually knows he seemed so confused and looked like he really didn't know

he clearly didn't know what to say. So I don't know. I don't think he actually knows he seemed so confused and looked like he really didn't know
of course he acting obtuse, hes been caught out
i think he has told this woman that he is only co parenting with you
im sorry OP but they are definitely being intimate with each other right under your nose
its called operating in plain sight
you need to call her out and let her know whats going on too

RandomForest · 30/09/2023 19:15

Fassbender2020 · 30/09/2023 17:48

Sorry I havent read replies yet I've found something else and not been able to come on. When I came upstairs I noticed a bag that wasn't there before so I looked in and it was a man's top. I asked him about it and he said the friend bought it for him. Apparently he gave her the money but he asked her if she saw another one of some top he said he liked when they were together shopping coukd she get it. I went mental as that seems like of its anyones job it's his, or mine. But that is too close for a friend?

Reminds me of that show Medium, the episode where Alison get's upset because her husband's new colleage goes away and buys him a monogramed dressing gown and she goes nuclear.

Op, they have one another in their thoughts, present buying and promises of picking things up to make life easier for the one they care about, do you think they are attracted to one another ?

I'd bin the top, and bin him, he is allowing this woman to intrude in your marraige.

She's no friend, not to you anyway, and he knows this.

Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 30/09/2023 19:18

What was the husband reaction in medium?

Honestly yes I do think they are attracted to each other I just didn't think hed ever do anything about it

OP posts:
RandomForest · 30/09/2023 19:29

Well Alison is a psychic on the show so she could see it was the woman crossing boundaries, but nevertheless her h enjoyed the ego boost.

He tried to minimise the thoughtful gift but had to eventually admit this woman did fancy him.

The result he found another job and cut contact with the woman.

Bored1000 · 30/09/2023 19:55

Yes, I agree, they are too close.

it is completely disrespectful and inappropriate of him to have such a close friendship with some other woman, How does he think it makes you feel!!! ….is he usually that disrespectful / thoughtless or is he just not that bright

It is completely inappropriate of her to have such a close friendship with a married man, is she married herself or in a relationship?…..I suspect not

Are they hiding in plain sight or do you think it is innocent enough

MsDogLady · 30/09/2023 20:08

Yes, @Catsafterme, this does sound like a secondary relationship which this guy is conducting in plain sight. This is so much like another recent thread that I referenced earlier. I’d commented there that it sounded like a polyamorous or open relationship by stealth.

I agree with @truthhurts23, that he has told this OW that he and @Fassbender2020 have a friendship/co-parenting relationship, and that’s why she sounded so confused at his distance in the living room.

@Fassbender2020, you believe they share a mutual attraction. We know they are physically affectionate and share emotional intimacy.
He is ‘acting on it.’ He and OW are building a romantic relationship.

He has changed the parameters of your marriage and is not monogamous. What are you going to do about this?

Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 30/09/2023 21:05

Is it still romantic if there's nothing physical more than a hug?

I shouted at him earlier and I said something about his never leaving the children and screamed what about me and he paused. He paused then said no of course not. But he paused. so I'm in the process of having some space because I can't even look at him right now. He's got me and if he doesn't want me then he should go

OP posts:
Cowlover89 · 30/09/2023 21:09

You honestly deserve better x