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Original poster

I don't like what I heard

184 replies

Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 17:12

My partner and father of my children had a female friend over today. I've been suspecious of them before but he assured me nothing was going on and he'd never leave our children

Anyway, today I was having a nap and overheard something I didn't like. She asked him why he was being weird hugging her differently here and he said what do you mean and she said you aren't hugging me properly like we normally do, you're giving me weird one arm hugs, and sitting away from her and what's wrong with you. It was jokey tone wise but it was obvious she sounded genuine confused. He just got flustered and said nothing and then it just went quiet.

I don't know what to think. Well maybe I do but what does anyone else think?

OP posts:
LetMeEnfoldYou · 28/09/2023 17:54

I have a male friend and we hug in a way that neither of us would ever do in front of our spouses. Because we're too close, we both know it, and it's wrong tbh.

If they're not fucking, they want to.

Sorry.

Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 17:54

SisterMichaelsHabit, thank you for a nice reply. Maybe yes. He's not much of a hugger but I've seen him do it to his mum and a male friend and me obviously. It was just her jokey what are you doing and laughing and telling him he was being weird. If he'd laughed it off I'd probably think nothing of it but that he reacted by getting flustered was strange

OP posts:
HoneyBadgerMom · 28/09/2023 17:54

I feel like you know what's going on and you want people to tell you that you're overreacting because you don't want to deal with the problem head on.

Nuttyroche · 28/09/2023 17:54

Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 17:51

Why are people laughing about me and saying if genuine?? It's really upsetting. I'm on maternity leave and I'm tired and vulnerable. I went to sleep on the sofa with our baby. I don't understand what is weird about this but if you don't like my post, please just leave me alone and nit upset me more

You have been very worried about this friend on the past
So worried he’s actually had to reassure you that he won’t leave you
he invites her over@
You leave them in the lounge together alone and go for a nap
you overhear a conversation either because they were bizarrely saying all this at a fair volume OR you were listening in because you had suspicions

it is all very strange OP

FictionalCharacter · 28/09/2023 17:56

I just don't understand why he would hug her differently at our house than anywhere else

Sorry OP, I think you do understand why.

And there’s absolutely no way that I or any normal person would go to the home of an opposite sex, married platonic friend and expect to be hugged “properly” and sit close to them.

I’m guessing he wasn’t hugging her, properly or otherwise, before you went for your nap?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/09/2023 17:56

Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 17:46

I just need a few hours to think it over I think. When I brought it up a few years ago he said she was his best friend and nothing was going on

He's absolutely lovely to me and couldn't do more so I don't want to argue if I don't have to. I also don't know what he'd say if I did ask as he didn't reply to her why either. I'd probably just get a I don't know what she means. So that would be useless?

I still think its worth asking, since its the second time you've felt suspicious about the situation.
The options are

  1. ask, even if he says I don't know. you could say lets ask her then?
  2. trying to forget or dismissing what you heard and move on.

I admit both options are a bit depressing so you are quite right to think about it for a while.

Seaoftroubles · 28/09/2023 17:56

OP, because people find it odd that you are snoozing when he has a female friend over that you've had suspicions about. But now you've heard what she said the only thing you can do is ask him what she meant about the different style of hugging.

Lambruschinetto · 28/09/2023 17:57

sorry op, are you serious? if this is real of course there is something going on. I am gobsmacked - why haven’t you confronted this woman when she said that? like Oh, how does he hug you normally? also, in a normal marriage, a friend of my husband would be my friend. it just sounds like a very strange scenario that a “friend” would come over and complain about hugging and sitting close to my husband. What a cheeky woman..and what a terrible husband...

Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 17:57

Well yes, it IS strange. That's why I posted a thread and it's my life. Not something for you to make out I'm lying or something. If you don't believe me or something, just leave me alone and not make an upset stranger feel worse

OP posts:
Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 17:59

threecupsofteaminimum, I hadn't considered that but maybe your right. It wasn't shouted, I was in the next room

I will be asking him, I cant not but I just need to figure out what I'm going to say

OP posts:
Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 18:00

LetMeEnfoldYou · 28/09/2023 17:54

I have a male friend and we hug in a way that neither of us would ever do in front of our spouses. Because we're too close, we both know it, and it's wrong tbh.

If they're not fucking, they want to.

Sorry.

How do you hug? I think that's going to be my question to him

OP posts:
Goldfish41 · 28/09/2023 18:02

Ignore them OP, sadly there do seem to be some people who just come on here to have a go these days.

I don’t think it was silly to have a nap - and doing so allowed you to hear them off guard. I would say some of this does sound a bit odd, but then on the other hand, if they were actually having an affair then the friend would hardly have to ask why he was being different around you, it would be obvious! I’d say this may warrant further investigation/thought but it could be nothing, maybe he is just sensitive to the fact you’ve had suspicions so is concerned about being too friendly in front of you.

itsmyp4rty · 28/09/2023 18:03

Maybe they normally hug properly but he felt a bit weird about hugging her in the house when he knows you've been a bit sus and so he just gave her a half hearted one? That would have been my assumption and I'm a fairly suspicious person.

Cleopatra234 · 28/09/2023 18:04

It is slightly odd yes. I have no advice of why it happened in that way, but I would be keeping a close eye on things. This on its own could be nothing, but if coupled with other things, it could be something.
I wouldn't ask about it yet or now as he will just shrug it off as nothing either way. I would be alert to anything else going on and approach oh when you have more to say. I must admit I'd be tempted to snoop on his phone or something if you've never done that. I know that's bad but I just would.
Hope you manage to sort and it turns out to be nothing to worry about.

Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 18:04

FictionalCharacter · 28/09/2023 17:56

I just don't understand why he would hug her differently at our house than anywhere else

Sorry OP, I think you do understand why.

And there’s absolutely no way that I or any normal person would go to the home of an opposite sex, married platonic friend and expect to be hugged “properly” and sit close to them.

I’m guessing he wasn’t hugging her, properly or otherwise, before you went for your nap?

No he wasn't. I now understand he hugs her differently when not at home which I'm not happy with. But I don't understand if he wants her, why he's here with me and lovely to me except the children

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 28/09/2023 18:09

More context is required to consider what the relationship is. Have they ever been single at the same time and still not got together? Have they ever dated in the past or had a fling?

Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 18:10

Goldfish and itsmyp4rty, thank you, I think thats what I'm hoping. But then he could have just said that to her. That would have been a normal reply. To her, maybe she really does just see him as a best friend so I don't want to look crazy and push him at her more

I dont know what I'm saying. Im just confused because the last couple of replies are what I'm swaying between

What is clearly my issue is if he wanted her and she wanted him, why wouldnt they be together or is it the children he makes us work for

OP posts:
Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 18:11

Opentooffers · 28/09/2023 18:09

More context is required to consider what the relationship is. Have they ever been single at the same time and still not got together? Have they ever dated in the past or had a fling?

No be met her a couple of weeks after our daughter was born so just over 3 years ago and we have been together nearly 5

OP posts:
jays · 28/09/2023 18:19

I don’t know how I’d feel about the timeline of when he met her. I think if they’d been friends for years prior maybe, but I can understand your original suspicions completely now. Did he meet her through a shared interest or work?

MsDogLady · 28/09/2023 18:23

@Fassbender2020, has he recently invited this friend to work with him in your spare room office?

WalnutBlue · 28/09/2023 18:26

Sorry op sounds a bit suspicious to me. I agree with questioning if the reaction is defensive/angry tone that may be your answer.
Although I think most men would feel getting cosy with another woman in their wife's home is a step too far. Also the fact that she is that bothered about how he is hugging her, I think just friends wouldn't care if they were being hugged slightly differently.

Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 18:26

A shared interest. She works different shifts and couldn't go anymore and he didn't have time with us having 2 now but they stated friends.

What do you mean about the time line?

OP posts:
HolyMolyRolyPolyGoodForTheSouly · 28/09/2023 18:26

God, the shit people put up with.

He met this woman after you had his child and now they’re ’best friends’?

Wake up woman.

Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 18:27

MsDogLady no we don't have one. He was off today and she works shifts so came to us then went on to work as its nearer than her place

OP posts:
Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 18:30

He doesn't go around calling her his best friend, he just said that to me when I was suspicious in the beginning.

If he wanted her and she wants him though, why would he not just be with her?

OP posts: