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Original poster

I don't like what I heard

184 replies

Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 17:12

My partner and father of my children had a female friend over today. I've been suspecious of them before but he assured me nothing was going on and he'd never leave our children

Anyway, today I was having a nap and overheard something I didn't like. She asked him why he was being weird hugging her differently here and he said what do you mean and she said you aren't hugging me properly like we normally do, you're giving me weird one arm hugs, and sitting away from her and what's wrong with you. It was jokey tone wise but it was obvious she sounded genuine confused. He just got flustered and said nothing and then it just went quiet.

I don't know what to think. Well maybe I do but what does anyone else think?

OP posts:
HoneyBadgerMom · 28/09/2023 20:22

Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 20:04

She's nice, makes conversation and is good with the children. He's taken them to meet her alone before after reassuring me. Him agreeing to a 2nd to reassure me reassured me after us not in a good place. I saw it as no different to me taking them anywhere with my friends

The last post I will make on this one is that when you open your eyes and finally see, I hope that you have good friends and family around you to support you, and I desperately hope that you know that his choices are exactly that, HIS choices. You are not to blame, you are not responsible, and you don't deserve it. My heart is absolutely breaking for you, I am so sorry. Please, please, take care of yourself and your babies.

Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 20:26

Loubelle70 · 28/09/2023 20:06

When youre tired and new mum...we have ALL fallen asleep with our baby somewhere! Awful judgemental never do wrongers. My daughter lost her baby to sids, her baby was in her cot...not co sleeping. Attacking OP ...no wonder she was defensive.
Ask your OH OP what it was all about...♥️

Edited

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 20:29

HoneyBadgerMom · 28/09/2023 20:22

The last post I will make on this one is that when you open your eyes and finally see, I hope that you have good friends and family around you to support you, and I desperately hope that you know that his choices are exactly that, HIS choices. You are not to blame, you are not responsible, and you don't deserve it. My heart is absolutely breaking for you, I am so sorry. Please, please, take care of yourself and your babies.

Show quote history

Thank you. I realised my post you quoted didnt make sense. Him agreeing to a 2nd baby to try and make things better reassured me. Not 2nd outing with her

OP posts:
SideBob · 28/09/2023 20:33

Playing devils avocado here

Best typo I've seen

SideBob · 28/09/2023 20:35

YANBU op agree with others here that this is very weird and inappropriate x

Mountaineer0009 · 28/09/2023 20:39

Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 17:34

I have but it's been a couple of years. She's perfectly nice to me and makes conversation whenever I've seen her and shes good to the children

I just don't understand why he would hug her differently at our house than anywhere else

doesent want to make you jealous ? or make it seem like hes having an affair ?

Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 20:46

No, she's just normal

OP posts:
Chelsea543 · 28/09/2023 20:49

So your partner has the best of both worlds, he has you who cares for his children and he can play happy families. Then he also has his girlfriend who he can spend as much time with as he wants, who he’s also innocently integrated into his family so you feel ok about it.

However by her comments clearly this is over the line of being friends. I may hug my friends hello but there’s no way I just randomly hug my friends during a visit nor would I get upset if a hug wasn’t what I wanted it to be!
Im guessing this girl he’s “friends” with is single, because I can’t imagine why anyone would ever care about how a person hugs them unless they were jealous that it wasn’t as affectionate as normal. Maybe she wanted you to hear? He clearly went quiet because he knew you were in the other room.

I don’t think you’ll get a proper answer out of him. I’m sure he’ll just say it was weird and he didn’t know what to say as he always hugs her like that. Personally I think boundaries are being overstepped and I’m sure if you looked into their messages etc you’d realise this “friendship” is probably or has been a lot more inappropriate than you realise.

When you ask why he stays with you and not her? Because like I said he’s got the best of both worlds he can keep his family together and she is allowed to come and go whenever. Maybe he also gets a kick out of the fact that it’s all been going on right under your nose and because of that he thinks you’re ok with it all.

Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 20:50

Ive told him I heard and he said what some of you did. That he's on edge after me before. I said why would I care if you sat next to a friend rather than on opposite side of room and he said he was just being cautious. I said it didn't explain the hug thing and why would he hug her differently elsewhere if he just meant it friendly and he clearly didn't know what to say. So I don't know. I don't think he actually knows he seemed so confused and looked like he really didn't know

OP posts:
readbooksdrinktea · 28/09/2023 20:59

He's taking the children when he goes to see her? Did I read that right?

That's weird. Sorry, after your update I'd be upset.

MsDogLady · 28/09/2023 21:12

@Fassbender2020, I asked if he’d invited her to work in his home office because that’s the premise of a recent thread, and I wondered if that was you. That OP senses their closeness and attraction, and is uncomfortable. Like you, she also asked us why he was staying with her if he really wanted to be with the friend, whom he’s known for 3 years. My take was that, for now, he was enjoying having 2 adoring women who ticked his various boxes. The OP kept coming back to her belief that he’d never leave the DC.

Regarding your scenario, your H was intentionally putting distance between them and she was calling him out on it. You say she sounded genuinely confused and an awkward silence followed. If their dynamic is strictly platonic, why would she even think to question his hug style or where he was sitting?? They clearly relate using a different body language away from your home. I think she spilled some beans and he feared that you heard.

It sounds to me like they’re involved in an EA, and, like the scenario in the other thread, he enjoys having and eating his cake.

WorkSmarter · 28/09/2023 21:18

SisterMichaelsHabit · 28/09/2023 17:49

OP it sounds like he has quite an affectionate relationship with her usually and maybe he was trying to tone it down in front of you. Whether that's something to worry about or not depends on how you feel about the situation. I'd talk to him if I were you and see what he says.

Agree with this xx

Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 21:22

I'll have a look for it, maybe it will make me feel better mrsdoglady. Thank you

Id rather he just left than be a second choice or if he doesnt love me as much as the children

OP posts:
Louise303 · 28/09/2023 21:48

Thats what I would think she wants her to know about these hugs.

LetMeEnfoldYou · 28/09/2023 22:16

@Fassbender2020 this is embarrassing to admit tbh.

Full body, chest to chest, his hands on my waist. Sometimes he rests his cheek on top of my head, or holds my head in his hands, or kisses the top of my head, or just sort of buries his face in my hair and neck.

I'm 100% namechanging now.

You're dealing with something inappropriate though. But only he knows how far it's gone at this point.

HolyMolyRolyPolyGoodForTheSouly · 28/09/2023 23:06

LetMeEnfoldYou · 28/09/2023 22:16

@Fassbender2020 this is embarrassing to admit tbh.

Full body, chest to chest, his hands on my waist. Sometimes he rests his cheek on top of my head, or holds my head in his hands, or kisses the top of my head, or just sort of buries his face in my hair and neck.

I'm 100% namechanging now.

You're dealing with something inappropriate though. But only he knows how far it's gone at this point.

You sound like lovers, not friends.

Why not just stop being dicks, split up with your partners and be together?

LetMeEnfoldYou · 29/09/2023 10:40

That's a whoooooole other thread tbh. I'm aware I'm a complete arsehole by the way.

LetMeEnfoldYou · 29/09/2023 10:42

How are you feeling about it today @Fassbender2020 ?

RandomForest · 29/09/2023 13:00

If I were you I would be telling this woman to leave and never return, the fall out of that and your husband's response would be something to deal with after.

In no way should she be comparing the types of hugs she requires from your husband.

Both of them are being incredibly disrespectful, your h is cruel and unsupportive.

millponds · 29/09/2023 23:38

What I feel is that she likes him. Possibly he’s short of friends or awkward? Maybe they would be a good match if both single.

I’d insist he breaks it off. Pronto

GarlicGrace · 30/09/2023 00:12

I think SHE sounds weird, demanding and almost possessive. Your DH was maintaining boundaries because he knows you've been insecure about their friendship - even overdoing the distance, as you said. Whether he might be being extra-careful because there's something to hide, I don't know.

But it's very strange to ask a friend why they hugged you differently! I can't imagine asking, even with someone like close family. I'd just assume they were in a bit of a mood or were distracted by something. How they hug me is their business, I'm not entitled to a certain type of hug or number of milliseconds in close proximity.

This lady clearly does feel entitled to a given level of physical closeness with your husband - and to voice displeasure when she's not getting it. That would make me uncomfortable about the intimacy she feels with him.

I don't know where you'd go from here, OP. As PP have said, do some digging - but what sort of digging, and how to do it? I usually think that, once you feel the need to snoop, your relationship's already on the rocks (although I understand the need and have done it myself). This case isn't so clear, however. She might just be a weirdly invasive friend rather than a love interest.

Backagain2 · 30/09/2023 01:25

itsmyp4rty · 28/09/2023 18:03

Maybe they normally hug properly but he felt a bit weird about hugging her in the house when he knows you've been a bit sus and so he just gave her a half hearted one? That would have been my assumption and I'm a fairly suspicious person.

Edited

I think this is what happened .

If there was something going on she wouldn’t have said that because she’d have known that of course they could not carry on their affair activities in your home.

That said I believe your partner knows he is too tactile with her and might secretly have a crush on her. So there could be the potential of at least an emotional affair going on. It was an inappropriate question for her to ask though and she’s clearly either extremely naive and lacking in social skills or has no consideration for you or her friends marriage to even ask that. I suspect it’s the latter.

But no I don’t find it odd you’re not friends with her or you went for a nap.

My closest male friend is married and while I’ve tried to include his wife in things she’s not that interested in my friendship which is fair enough 😂and just encourages us to go off for a coffee or chat by ourselves. I wouldn’t be sitting hugging him on a couch though. I give him a hello and goodbye hug And that’s it! I wouldn’t dream of asking him to hug me in a certain way or cuddle on the couch etc.

Backagain2 · 30/09/2023 01:45

Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 21:22

I'll have a look for it, maybe it will make me feel better mrsdoglady. Thank you

Id rather he just left than be a second choice or if he doesnt love me as much as the children

have read all your posts now and I see he made the friendships after he had kids with you . Makes it a bit more complex. My best male friend is someone I knew from when he was about 22 and I was 20. He knew me before he knew his wife or had kids. And also while he’s my best male friend I don’t think either of us would describe the other as a ‘best friend’. He is a close friend but my best friends are all female.

I do think there may be some degree of an emotional affair going on even if neither of them think of it that way.

unfortunately its very possible he likes this woman romantically but doesn’t want to blow apart his family and will never act on it, in response to your question as to why he’s staying with you. It’s not nice to be thought of as second best but probably if he had kids with her he’d be looking at someone else too - the grass is greener where less responsibilities lies in some men’s eyes!

Some men really do want their cake and to eat it, so it could be that he’s happy having both of you in his life but limiting his relationship with her just to fantasy.

5128gap · 30/09/2023 10:15

OP, this is one reason why a great many women would not want a partner with a female best friend. Because, unless it's blatantly obvious that one or both are not attracted to each other, you're never going to know what's really going on in their private world or their own heads.
For every truly platonic best friendship there's another where people having (at least) an emotional affair are hiding in plain sight, or where one of the two is accepting friendship but really wanting more.
Whatever people with male best friends who aren't attracted to them tell you, it's irrelevant to your situation.
The acid test for me is, could you imagine your partner and his mate Tom sitting there discussing the type of hugs they were having? If not then his relationship with her is different. It's messy and it's unclear, and it wouldn't be for me.
If I were you I'd decide where my boundaries were here and set them out. Obviously the risk is he may choose to continue the friendship as it is over your relationship. But if so, at least you know where you stand.

openallday · 30/09/2023 11:25

Bloody hell
The cheek of them

Totally inappropriate