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Original poster

I don't like what I heard

184 replies

Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 17:12

My partner and father of my children had a female friend over today. I've been suspecious of them before but he assured me nothing was going on and he'd never leave our children

Anyway, today I was having a nap and overheard something I didn't like. She asked him why he was being weird hugging her differently here and he said what do you mean and she said you aren't hugging me properly like we normally do, you're giving me weird one arm hugs, and sitting away from her and what's wrong with you. It was jokey tone wise but it was obvious she sounded genuine confused. He just got flustered and said nothing and then it just went quiet.

I don't know what to think. Well maybe I do but what does anyone else think?

OP posts:
Janieforever · 28/09/2023 18:31

Well if they were shagging and she knew you were there, she’d not be saying why you being weird.

sounds to me like he knows you’re jealous so was being weird and not behaving as he normally does

Seaoftroubles · 28/09/2023 18:31

OP l would be honest and tell him you overheard her asking why she wasn't getting the hugs that she usually receives from him. I'm wondering if it was to tease him as in reality she would know why.

Greengrassohla · 28/09/2023 18:32

This is such a strange thread. People seem genuinely puzzled that someone with a baby might be tired enough for a nap Confused

Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 18:34

Seaoftroubles · 28/09/2023 18:31

OP l would be honest and tell him you overheard her asking why she wasn't getting the hugs that she usually receives from him. I'm wondering if it was to tease him as in reality she would know why.

How do you mean tease him?

OP posts:
Lambruschinetto · 28/09/2023 18:41

could it be that this woman is under the impression they are in a relationship, he is not with you anymore, and you know and are ok with this? only then that comment could be situated in this context. Your husband might be double playing.

PinkMoscatoLover · 28/09/2023 18:43

My guess is, when they meet up and see each other without you, he may give her a hug where he puts two arms around her over her shoulders or around her hips. I don’t see a problem with two arms around the shoulders but not everyone in a relationship is okay with that.

He probably adjusted the hug to a one arm over her shoulder type of hug (if you get what I mean) when she visited. Probably because you have suspicions about them together so he didn’t want to give you reason by hugging her how he usually does.

Could be totally innocent and he did that to avoid any earache from you or could be adjusting his behaviour with her when you’re around for a reason. If the second situation was the case, I can’t see her blatantly saying ‘why are you hugging me differently’ as the reason would be obvious

Seaoftroubles · 28/09/2023 18:43

Tease him in the sense she was half joking about it to wind him up. Because if they have full on hugs normally and he's being reticent about it its obvious he would tone it down in his marital home.

RenoDakota · 28/09/2023 18:51

OP, she sounds like a troublemaker. Saying something like that in your house knowing that you might overhear.
Trust your gut. And all the best to you.

MariePaperRoses · 28/09/2023 18:53

Old friends may hug as they step over the threshold and are welcomed into the house.

They do t sit on the sofa and hug whilst the partner of the host is asleep on the sofa near them!

You need to dig deeper.

Their behaviour and their comments are inappropriate and possibly indicate that at times they have a sexual relationship.

Stand up for yourself.

Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 18:55

I hug my friends the same wherever we are so it seems strange be would do that. A lot of things are going through my head at the moment and thank you for all the replies trying to help me

Before I talk to him I want to try and get my head straight. Does anyone have a clue why he'd stay with me if they both wanted to be together? I need to prepare myself for the worse option

OP posts:
Epidote · 28/09/2023 18:57

God I don't know where to start!
He won't leave your children? And you? What about you?
She went to your house and is making fun of him not hugging her?

Pack his thing is my impulsive advice. Or even better tell him to pack his stuff.

Don't know anything about your finances or other things in your life but those two things smell rotten form miles away.

Sorry not to be bringing good news but both of them are trash.

Another2022 · 28/09/2023 18:59

Here’s an idea.

Ive got a woman best mate and I always give her a full loving hug whenever I see her, usually when we say goodbye.

I don’t have a gf at the moment but if I did I probably wouldn’t hug her, or if I did it would be like I hug an aunt I’m not particularly close to type of thing when I was around my fictional partner. Nothing shady going on but it just wouldn’t feel ok to hug another woman like that when around said gf. Would almost feel disrespectful?

jays · 28/09/2023 18:59

Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 18:26

A shared interest. She works different shifts and couldn't go anymore and he didn't have time with us having 2 now but they stated friends.

What do you mean about the time line?

Sorry I mean, I wouldn’t be very happy with my dh becoming best friends with a woman he met 2 years into our relationship, maybe I’m out of order feeling that way but I wouldn’t be ok with that.

NotNowGertrude · 28/09/2023 19:00

I think some men like to do that, have a harem of women lusting after him to feel good about themselves with no intention of leaving their cost set-up

PinkMoscatoLover · 28/09/2023 19:00

Seaoftroubles · 28/09/2023 17:46

Really OP? Why is he hugging her at all, let alone differently? If you already had your suspicions l am surprised you left them alone together and went off for a nap, even if you did feel tired.
It seems an odd thing to do when you have a visitor.

So you don’t opposite friends of the opposite sex just because you’re in a relationship? Madness

Towerofsong · 28/09/2023 19:01

Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 17:34

I have but it's been a couple of years. She's perfectly nice to me and makes conversation whenever I've seen her and shes good to the children

I just don't understand why he would hug her differently at our house than anywhere else

Because he knows you had suspicions so he feels awkward around her in the house now?

If there was something going on she would know why he was being different and not being it up.

AuntMarch · 28/09/2023 19:02

Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 17:49

As I said, I haD suspicions, not have. Until that weird conversation I heard

He's hugging her because she's his friend, I don't care about that, just the difference. It should be the same here or wherever else

I don't sit and cuddle my friends unless one of us is having a cry. Definitely not often enough for them to notice it's "different"

Towerofsong · 28/09/2023 19:03

And he got flustered because he knew you could probably hear and he is really tense about it /paranoid that you'd get the wrong idea. Either that, or she knows you are suspicious and was loudly winding him up, knowing you'd hear it, to be a troublemaker

Mmhmmn · 28/09/2023 19:04

threecupsofteaminimum · 28/09/2023 17:50

Playing devils avocado here but could she have said that knowing it was within earshot on purpose?

I thought similar - she sounds like she was potentially trying to make trouble in saying that. Why make a big deal of the way someone hugs you?

Obviously if you'd had concerns before about her he's going to be a bit on edge about hugging at home should you walk in. Even if there's nothing going on.

But also even if there's nothing going on, that doesn't mean that she doesn't want there to be (giving your partner benefit of doubt that he doesn't) ... and a lot of guys love having an adoring fan hanging around .

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 28/09/2023 19:04

No committed man would be engaging in a conversation like that with another woman. Not ok.

Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 19:05

NotNowGertrude · 28/09/2023 19:00

I think some men like to do that, have a harem of women lusting after him to feel good about themselves with no intention of leaving their cost set-up

He's not that kind of man, it's not that. Before we had our 2nd things weren't great between us, he doesn't seek out attention at all. It's just this woman he seems to have a bond I can't explain with. It would help if she were less pretty, poor attempt at a joke

OP posts:
readbooksdrinktea · 28/09/2023 19:05

threecupsofteaminimum · 28/09/2023 17:50

Playing devils avocado here but could she have said that knowing it was within earshot on purpose?

That's my favourite typo ever!

OP, talk to him. If he's evasive, I'd be worried. It is also strange that he said he wouldn't leave the children. Nothing about not leaving his family.

Livelovebehappy · 28/09/2023 19:06

Sounds like you’re in a ménage a trois, but they’ve forgotten to let you know……

Catsafterme · 28/09/2023 19:09

Hugging a friend in general sense is normal and innocent. Sitting on the sofa, I presume, with one arm around in your own home with your partner is the next room, no. Unless I read that wrong.

If that is the case, considering she said that, what was she expecting, them to cuddle up together in the corner of the sofa like a couple?

He wouldn't have said anything because he knew you were next door. I wonder what the situation would have been had you not been there.

He's either up to no good already or she is a trouble maker in order to try and claim him.

As for not leaving, a lot of men don't work like that, they are quite happy getting the best of both until one runs it's course.

HoneyBadgerMom · 28/09/2023 19:11

Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 18:55

I hug my friends the same wherever we are so it seems strange be would do that. A lot of things are going through my head at the moment and thank you for all the replies trying to help me

Before I talk to him I want to try and get my head straight. Does anyone have a clue why he'd stay with me if they both wanted to be together? I need to prepare myself for the worse option

Because cheating men rarely want to end their current relationship. They want a woman to cook, clean and wait on them hand and foot and another for romance and sex. Cake eaters want to have their cake and eat it too, so of course he doesn't want to end things with you. He wants you AND her.

If he's actually cheating, which I don't know. But your question was, why wouldn't he break it off with you if he's with her too, and that's my answer to that question. Only you know what's really going on. I think you do know and you're desperate for someone to tell you that isn't it because if it is, you'll be really hurt. I'm so sorry this is happening.

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