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Original poster

I don't like what I heard

184 replies

Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 17:12

My partner and father of my children had a female friend over today. I've been suspecious of them before but he assured me nothing was going on and he'd never leave our children

Anyway, today I was having a nap and overheard something I didn't like. She asked him why he was being weird hugging her differently here and he said what do you mean and she said you aren't hugging me properly like we normally do, you're giving me weird one arm hugs, and sitting away from her and what's wrong with you. It was jokey tone wise but it was obvious she sounded genuine confused. He just got flustered and said nothing and then it just went quiet.

I don't know what to think. Well maybe I do but what does anyone else think?

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 28/09/2023 19:11

Milkand2sugarsplease · 28/09/2023 17:31

You're going to have to have it out with him and tell him what you've heard - prepare yourself for the conversation and don't be fobbed off if you're not satisfied with his response.

In my opinion, spidey senses are rarely wrong especially if you've had cause for concern before, with the same woman.

This

Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 19:12

Towerofsong · 28/09/2023 19:01

Because he knows you had suspicions so he feels awkward around her in the house now?

If there was something going on she would know why he was being different and not being it up.

Show quote history

I'm hoping it's just this. So dont want to overreact

The friend isn't a sad type, hanging on. Hes said he invites her over loads and he goes out with her so it's very mutual. Which is fine if that all it is. To those asking what about me when I said wouldnt leave the children, he said he wouldn't ever cope not waking up every day to their smiling faces looking up at him. And that's always stayed with me

OP posts:
BranchGold · 28/09/2023 19:14

honestly, you’re on a hiding to nothing if you’re ruminating about why anyone would possibly cheat.

people cheat all the time, because they want to.

why would he not want to continue? He gets flattery, attention, thrills and excitement from his new best friend. He gets shared bills, shared housework, a better standard of living, full time with his children, and your unwavering commitment from you.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 28/09/2023 19:14

Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 17:51

Why are people laughing about me and saying if genuine?? It's really upsetting. I'm on maternity leave and I'm tired and vulnerable. I went to sleep on the sofa with our baby. I don't understand what is weird about this but if you don't like my post, please just leave me alone and nit upset me more

Please do not nap/sleep with your baby on a sofa, it's a risk of smoothering or crushing your baby. Babies do die from sleeping with an adult on a sofa.

However, bedsharing is safe, when the safe sleep guidelines are adhered to.

@Fassbender2020

Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 19:14

Catsafterme · 28/09/2023 19:09

Hugging a friend in general sense is normal and innocent. Sitting on the sofa, I presume, with one arm around in your own home with your partner is the next room, no. Unless I read that wrong.

If that is the case, considering she said that, what was she expecting, them to cuddle up together in the corner of the sofa like a couple?

He wouldn't have said anything because he knew you were next door. I wonder what the situation would have been had you not been there.

He's either up to no good already or she is a trouble maker in order to try and claim him.

As for not leaving, a lot of men don't work like that, they are quite happy getting the best of both until one runs it's course.

No the hug and the sitting were different. He sat on a chair a few away rather than next to her which I actually thought was strange to do anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 19:17

ReadingSoManyThreads · 28/09/2023 19:14

Please do not nap/sleep with your baby on a sofa, it's a risk of smoothering or crushing your baby. Babies do die from sleeping with an adult on a sofa.

However, bedsharing is safe, when the safe sleep guidelines are adhered to.

@Fassbender2020

Show quote history

I didn't just flop my child over me and hope for the best. They were in their crib next to me, I'm not stupid but thank you for the strange insult to my mothering while already distressed

OP posts:
Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 19:17

Sorry if that was harsh but it stung when I resd it

OP posts:
DiaNaranja · 28/09/2023 19:23

I don't understand when/why/where he was hugging her anyway? Maybe to greet her at the door as part of the whole "hello, how are you?!" Quick hug and then sit down to chat... but are you saying, after she'd been there a while, you were in the other room, and they were just... randomly hugging eachother? Like why?! I just can't envisage this happening, and it not being really really weird?! I wouldn't just start hugging one of my friends, male or female. The only time I can ever imagine hugging someone other than DH and my kids, is in a "hi/bye/haven't seen you in ages/sorry to hear about your mum,cat,dog/congratulations!" situation. Why on earth were they hugging? Like on the sofa? I dunno op, I would never be okay with this, and I'm pretty damn laid back.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 28/09/2023 19:25

Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 19:17

Sorry if that was harsh but it stung when I resd it

Yes, it was harsh @Fassbender2020 as it was well-meaning advice, not criticism. Many people are not aware of the safety risks. You stated you were sleeping with baby on the sofa, not that baby was separately in a crib next to you.

So not sure why my comment stung if baby wasn't even on the sofa with you anyway. I appreciate your emotions are heightened at the moment, but there's no need to fly off the handle at well-meaning advice.

Seaoftroubles · 28/09/2023 19:25

@PinkMoscatoLover Read the full thread. Yes, l'd hug friends of the opposite sex whilst in a relationship. But not secretly whilst sitting in another room whilst my partner was napping.

PinkMoscatoLover · 28/09/2023 19:27

Seaoftroubles · 28/09/2023 19:25

@PinkMoscatoLover Read the full thread. Yes, l'd hug friends of the opposite sex whilst in a relationship. But not secretly whilst sitting in another room whilst my partner was napping.

I’ve read all of the OP’s comments, I don’t need to read three pages of comments to see whether you’ve commented further. That’s also not what you said in your first comment. You said why is he hugging her anyway, not why is he hugging her in secret but okay!

Blueeyedmale · 28/09/2023 19:28

I don't understand this thread people laughing and questioning the OP for having a nap,she is a mum with a very young child who clearly needed some rest,OP it does sound a touch suspicious that she would say that to your partner and the only way to ever know is to ask him outright good luck hope you get the answers you need

Mirabai · 28/09/2023 19:29

I don’t think there’s necessarily anything suspicious about giving her a weird distant hug at his house when his wife has had concerns in the past. He’s just trying to observe boundaries. The fact of it being at home rather than the pub makes it more intimate.

And old male friend was banned from hugging his female friends including me completely by his ex.

purplejeanie · 28/09/2023 19:50

I think what he's told you about not leaving because of the children suggests he could be cheating. He didn't say that he wouldn't leave because he loves his family or because he doesn't want this other woman. He said he can't imagine not seeing the children everyday. This suggests that he might feel trapped..and that he might be having an affair because that way he can have his cake and eat it.

Joeylove88 · 28/09/2023 19:55

OP that whole conversation between this woman and your partner is not right. The fact that she feels the need to question the way he hugs her sounds off! If you previously had suspicions about her then follow your gut instinct. It doesn't have to be a physical affair if they are emotionally involved more than friends thats still deceiving you. Talking to your partner and being honest about hearing their conversation and how you are feeling about it is the way forward. How does this woman behave towards you?

Yeahno · 28/09/2023 19:59

A hello hug, goodbye hug or comfort hug? Why were they hugging? Does he hug his male friends or family? Does he hug you? Is he a huggy person general? How much are they hugging that she knows how he hugs enough to comment when it not the same? Why even comment on it, did she come for the hugs? How does he hug her? Why did he change his behaviour?

Sorry OP, I don't expect you to answer but that is what I would be thinking. The whole thing is suspect. I would like the conversation either.

Yeahno · 28/09/2023 20:03

Would not*

ittakes2 · 28/09/2023 20:04

I'm sorry I suspect he has a crush on her but his feelings are not reciprocated.

Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 20:04

She's nice, makes conversation and is good with the children. He's taken them to meet her alone before after reassuring me. Him agreeing to a 2nd to reassure me reassured me after us not in a good place. I saw it as no different to me taking them anywhere with my friends

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 28/09/2023 20:06

When youre tired and new mum...we have ALL fallen asleep with our baby somewhere! Awful judgemental never do wrongers. My daughter lost her baby to sids, her baby was in her cot...not co sleeping. Attacking OP ...no wonder she was defensive.
Ask your OH OP what it was all about...♥️

Buttoutofmywedding · 28/09/2023 20:07

Is she single? She sounds immature and attention seeking. It doesn't sound to me like there is anything going on, I hope I am right.

Just say to him "listen when I went for a nap I heard a conversation I didn't like... " and see how he reacts.

Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 28/09/2023 20:10

purplejeanie · 28/09/2023 19:50

I think what he's told you about not leaving because of the children suggests he could be cheating. He didn't say that he wouldn't leave because he loves his family or because he doesn't want this other woman. He said he can't imagine not seeing the children everyday. This suggests that he might feel trapped..and that he might be having an affair because that way he can have his cake and eat it.

The trapped thing is what hasn't left me. He didn't say it but when he said about not waking up to the children's faces, not mine. And he wouldn't have that if he was with her.

OP posts:
2jacqi · 28/09/2023 20:17

HolyMolyRolyPolyGoodForTheSouly · 28/09/2023 18:26

God, the shit people put up with.

He met this woman after you had his child and now they’re ’best friends’?

Wake up woman.

just this!!☝

Ceramicmug239 · 28/09/2023 20:18

he’s cheating.

  1. i think it’s weird for him to have a new female best friend. Friends before you met is different, but developing a close enough relationship with someone of the opposite sex to call them a best friend is odd i think. Why was he entertaining such a close female friendship?
  2. you overheard something you were not meant to overhear. Of course he’s acting differently with her IN YOUR HOME. He’s a coward and feels awkward with you being so close by.
  3. ducks in order, LTB
Bored1000 · 28/09/2023 20:21

How long has he been friends with her and how does he know her? Why was she visiting him
Is she in a relationship herself

I find me it a bit strange that he is so close to a female friend and hugs her