Dating a widower

[Advice444]

Hello,
I don't know what I'm hoping to gain out of this. Just looking possibly for some advice. I have been dating a widower for 6 months. His girlfriend died 9 months ago. (Please no judgement on this as I know everyone grieves differently and dates at different points in their journey).

I am in love with this man. I truly am in love with him. However I'm struggling. He has only told his work colleagues and sister about me. He hasn't told his parents or his late girlfriends family. Should they know by now or not ? I've asked him and he won't tell them yet, says it's too soon.
He will also not tell his reception age son that we are dating (although I have met his son on many occasions in the house and chatted/played with him and we get on well.) He will not tell his 10 year old stepdaughter (late girlfriends child from previous relationship) about us at all and I can't spend time with them if she is there. I've asked him his though on telliNG her ans again it's a no she isn't ready yet.

Any advice or thoughts or help?

I'm head over heels for this man, so I don't want to leave. I've caught major feelings so it's too late for that. I really do love him. But any advice or perspective would be good. Found myself in tears earlier about it all.
Advice from widowers would be extra appreciated!

I think brick walls have more sympathy for bereaved children.

Look, it's not necessarily about him lying to you. When people are grieving, they are all over the place. It's like being in a tumble drier, with all sorts of emotions swirling around. I am sure there is a part of him that would love to start over and have kids with you. And another part that just wants to go back in time to how things were. And a part that wants to be on his own for ever. And a part that is going mad with worry about his kids.

I do. and I doubt very much he is lying, I suspect he is not clear on exactly how he feels. Sometimes feeling all the intensity of attraction and a new relationship and sometimes the enormous weight of grief and trauma and it's making him push back and forth - Only he can tell you if this is real or a rebound and he might not truly know himself - has he had an counselling to deal with the bereavement? I do think this might be too much for you right now. You are young but you are also at an age where you might be wanting to settle down if you want kids. This will not be an easy path.

Ive not read the whole thread but I have read the OP the other posts by the OP.
From what I have observed/experienced a lot (not all admittedly but a lot) of men who are bereaved are very keen to start having sex quickly after the death of their loved one/spouse.
That does not mean he has honourable intentions towards you OP nor that it is necessarily the case that he wants to think of his children/step childrens feelings. It could just be that he wants to be having sex again and you are giving him that.

If the death involved a long sickness where he was not able to have sex for a long time that will especially be the case.
Sorry to be cynical but it is true, especially with men.
Good luck OP.

I'm getting a lot of hate on here . I don't think this is fair. I am extremely sympathetic to his son and we get on very well. Obviously I've not has the chance with the stepdaughter yet but I would treat her kindly too.

I only started to thred to ask if people thought it was a red flag he wasn't telling his late girlfriends family / his own parents /- his stepdaughter about me or not. That's all I wanted .

You're making all sorts of sacrifices for him. He is being really unreasonable telling you he wants children with you etc etc so soon whilst simultaneously saying he can't see much of you.So irresponsible of him when he has grieving children involved, not too mention your feelings. I'd throw this one back

I feel tearful reading your response because it's kind and I love him very much. All I want is everything to work out, it's all I want. Think I'm going to make a cuppa and be back in a bit as I'm getting tearful as silly as it is. Xx

OP you need to calm down.
You are sounding way too intense, just slow down it’s only been 6 months.

Perhaps stepping back from this relationship may be beneficial to you.

What is your background?
Is this your first relationship?
Do you have friends or hobbies etc?

I don't see any hate whatsover.

You seem very self absorbed. I found your me me me me posts very hard to read. You actually mention that you accept his screensaver of his wife as though you deserve a gold star for this!

You talk repeatedly about how he sees a future with you and has asked for children with you.

And argue with anyone with has a different opinion, or is just sharing wisdom of similar experiences.

I'm widowed and I can tell you grief isn't linear. This poor young man and his children are still floating between denial and bargaining. From what you've written you are NOT prepared for the anger or depression stages.

It would probably be best for those poor children if you walk away now.

Because you're not fucking listening. And instead you're jumping down peoples throats saying how mean they're being when they quite rightly point out you're only thinking what's best for you

Stop and think what's best for the kids

And you're not even listening when everyone says to be careful. You started dating a man 3 months after the mother of his son died.

He might not be lying as such. But he very likely doesn't even know what he wants. Him saying he wants kids with you whilst not telling anyone about you is frankly laughable.

You seem incredibly naive.

Stop moaning about posters on here saying what you don't want to hear then maybe you'll get some more respect.

OP as kindly as I can say this you’re trying too hard to fast forward this.

if you were both single with no kids involved, 6 months is very soon to talk of kids.

if he were divorced it would still very soon.

With kids & widowed?

Grief for a spouse is very complicated. With kids even more soon.

You can’t fast forward this. I don’t think anyone is being mean to you just trying to get you to see reality.

I was widowed three years ago. I don’t know your partner obviously and everyone deals with grief in their own way. What I can tell you is that the chances of him being in a place to form a healthy, long lasting relationship with anyone at this point in time is very low. If I were you I would look after myself a lot more carefully.

So he was out looking for a replacement mother,housekeeper,bedwarmer three months after the girlfriend died? Or possibly two months, or even sooner, if you weren’t the first person he tried to hook up with.

Honestly? If you think you are in this for the long term, (and great if it works out), then just dial it all right back, take things a lot more slowly, you are dealing with two very young children who lost their mother very recently. If it works out, it will work out however slowly. If it doesn’t work out then you will have done minimal harm to two small people.

He sounds like a caring considerate father.

He is literally in the eye of the storm. Of trauma, grief and change. He is also having to manage the grief of two children.

You are , as you should be, second place in all this.

I think your questions seem more focused on your relationship with him alone and what should be 'normal ' and what you would like and this has rubbed posters up the wrong way.

The pace of meeting his children, family , friends has to be decided by him.

There is no normal, there are no red flags, it is such a sad difficult situation for this man.
The knock on is that it will not be easy for you.

I'm afraid right now you have to suck it up or leave.

The fact that he is talking about moving in with you and having kids with you so soon after losing his partner and mother of his child is worrying and would seem to me like his is desperately trying to replace what he had whilst knowing deep down it is too soon (hence not wanting to tell anyone). He is/was probably very lonely and you fill that gap so he is making promises that, in my opinion, he is unable to make so soon after a life changing event.

Personally, I think it's surprising that you don't see him saying he wants kids with you just mere months after his partner died as the red flag it truly is. The mother of his child just died and he's talking about having more kids with a woman he barely knows? That's just crazy. It's not normal and it's definitely not healthy.

So he was out looking for a replacement mother,housekeeper,bedwarmer three months after the girlfriend died? Or possibly two months, or even sooner, if you weren’t the first person he tried to hook up with.

This sounds so judgemental. It's so distasteful to every person who has ever lost a partner.

A family member was widowed 3 months ago, and honestly seeing how he is I can both imagine him getting into a relationship, and also see what an appalling idea that would be for both him and the woman. He is desperately lonely, hates evenings alone, misses the life as part of a couple, misses having someone to share thoughts and feelings with, painfully aware of the future he’s lost. Maybe your partner was like that OP and you met at that point and you seemed like The Answer. Maybe he thought you could help plug that awful void. Maybe that’s even why he has been (genuinely!) keen to make it all work and think about the future and want to have more kids etc. Probably he’s always wanted more kids but obviously no longer has the chance of having them with his late girlfriend. You’ve kind of slotted into this, and it’s too soon to say whether you have a genuine future together or he’s essentially currently out of his wits and it won’t last.

So I don’t think the choice is as simple as either a) he genuinely thinks a long term future with you is 100% what he wants b) he lied.

I think more likely he just doesn’t know which way is up and he WANTS a happy family future but at the same time the saner parts of him know that his primary responsibility is to his grieving kids, and that moving along fast with you would absolutely break them.

Other posters mean it kindly when they say this might just be too complex a situation for you to take. If you were my friend I’d be suggesting a break from the relationship to give him the chance to get himself together for a few months.

It isn't accurate 'he barely knows you.' We have got very very close over 6 months. We trust each other and have opened up to each other a hell of a lot. And I personally don't believe bonds are determined by time. For me personally I have a much stronger bond woth him at 6 months than someone I had dates foe a year for instance. Time doesn't dictate the strength of your bond. Not for me personally.
We are friends at school too so he knew me before her passing

OP, you are far too intense considering you've only been together 5 minutes.
You really need to follow his lead and accept what he is telling you about the children HE knows best. You don't know his children. Not really. Don't assume that you know better than he does.
You are the one setting of alarm bells here 🤷‍♀️

"This sounds so judgemental. It's so distasteful to every person who has ever lost a partner"

Just because someone has lost a spouse or partner because they have died, does not mean they automatically "mourn" in the way others think they should. It is entirely possible, depending on the personality type of the person who has bereaved, that they try to get into a new relationship as soon as possible for all sorts of reasons, not only because they want sex, which the man in question here might be looking for primarily.

That's just crazy. It's not normal and it's definitely not healthy.

Can poster please stop being so judgemental. What is "normal" ? You tell me?
Or healthy ?

When you have experienced this much trauma it might not be 'sensible' but these things happen.

One thing my counsellor has emphasised to me is that everyone is different.

Thankyou for the kind response . The late girlfriends has been dead for 9 months now , not 3. I'm taking everyone's comments on board. I love him very very much. As I said to a previous poster the length of time dating doesn't dictate the strength of the bond for me and I feel very deeply for him. Deeper than previous relationships in which I've been with the man for longer than him. If I wasn't in love and didn't have feelings for him maybe I would walk away, but when you're in love it's so hard and I don't want to. I'd be heartbroken. I just desperately want it to work out. Xx

3mths is early and possibly a rebound relationship

And I say that as a widow

He has children and step children and being there for them is his no 1

You will be no 2

You need to accept they for this to ever work

Saying all that I met my now dh no 2 after 9mths. We met as friends of friends and knew there was a spark after we kissed

But I was terrified as wasn't sure how I felt and how could I like someone when the man I loved with all my heart was dead and buried and hadn't been a year

I saw a good counsellor and we decided to give it a go

He has kids but all Adults - I didn't

And that's the difference

Give him time

If this is meant to be then you have all the time in the world

If it's been 9mths the. She must have died around Xmas /new year

So get Xmas out of the way and a year so have the first everything

Then see what happens

To be honest I don’t think you are thinking straight. you are not the important person in this relationship, “ I personally don’t think bonds are determined by time” “ Time doesn’t dictate the strength of your bond”, you sound like some chick lit novel written for teens. There are two bereaved children in this relationship, their needs come before your romantic visions.