Page 5 | Dating a widower

Advice444 · 2023-09-28T11:51:57+00:00

Hello, I don't know what I'm hoping to gain out of this. Just looking possibly for some advice. I have been dating a widower for 6 months. His girlfriend died 9 months ago. (Please no judgement on this as I know everyone grieves differently and dates at different points in their journey). I am in love with this man. I truly am in love with him. However I'm struggling. He has only told his work colleagues and sister about me. He hasn't told his parents or his late girlfriends family. Should they know by now or not ? I've asked him and he won't tell them yet, says it's too soon. He will also not tell his reception age son that we are dating (although I have met his son on many occasions in the house and chatted/played with him and we get on well.) He will not tell his 10 year old stepdaughter (late girlfriends child from previous relationship) about us at all and I can't spend time with them if she is there. I've asked him his though on telliNG her ans again it's a no she isn't ready yet. Any advice or thoughts or help? I'm head over heels for this man, so I don't want to leave. I've caught major feelings so it's too late for that. I really do love him. But any advice or perspective would be good. Found myself in tears earlier about it all. Advice from widowers would be extra appreciated!

MoonShinesBright · 28/09/2023 14:53

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sunglassesonthetable · 28/09/2023 14:53

Then you need to take a breath and step back.

And not push or question anything re the kids or his family, friends.

It is early days.

Coughingdodger · 28/09/2023 14:57

Outdamnspot23 · 28/09/2023 14:46

A family member was widowed 3 months ago, and honestly seeing how he is I can both imagine him getting into a relationship, and also see what an appalling idea that would be for both him and the woman. He is desperately lonely, hates evenings alone, misses the life as part of a couple, misses having someone to share thoughts and feelings with, painfully aware of the future he’s lost. Maybe your partner was like that OP and you met at that point and you seemed like The Answer. Maybe he thought you could help plug that awful void. Maybe that’s even why he has been (genuinely!) keen to make it all work and think about the future and want to have more kids etc. Probably he’s always wanted more kids but obviously no longer has the chance of having them with his late girlfriend. You’ve kind of slotted into this, and it’s too soon to say whether you have a genuine future together or he’s essentially currently out of his wits and it won’t last.

So I don’t think the choice is as simple as either a) he genuinely thinks a long term future with you is 100% what he wants b) he lied.

I think more likely he just doesn’t know which way is up and he WANTS a happy family future but at the same time the saner parts of him know that his primary responsibility is to his grieving kids, and that moving along fast with you would absolutely break them.

Other posters mean it kindly when they say this might just be too complex a situation for you to take. If you were my friend I’d be suggesting a break from the relationship to give him the chance to get himself together for a few months.

Edited

This is a good reply.
Kinder than I would have given.
You sound totally unsuitable to parent these grieving children OP. That may not be your fault - just that you sound immature and he’s almost certainly not thinking clearly.
For the children’s sake and your own you need to step right back. Expect much less, maybe even look elsewhere for a while until the dust settles.

Wishimaywishimight · 28/09/2023 15:00

I think you should take his comments about marrying and having children with a pinch of salt at this stage . Not that he is "lying" as such, more that it's possible he is desperately sad, desperately worried about the children, flailing about looking for some relief from the pain and clinging on to you. It is possible that his feelings for you are, in part at least, as much about distracting himself from his 'real' life as they are about you as a person.

I really don't want to judge (but it's hard to say this without sounding judgmental), I just find it really hard to understand how or why a grieving person would dive straight into a new relationship only 12/13 weeks after their partner's death. Bereavement brings such a variety and such strength of emotion, it can be so completely exhausting and overwhelming, I cannot fathom how anyone has the energy or desire to starting building a new relationship so quickly. I'm sure it works out sometimes but the potential issues to be faced are many.

Already he is backing away a little from you. If you really love him as you say you do, give him the space he needs to deal with his own grief, that of his children and also the wider family. They all need each other right now.

In time, perhaps things with you will pick up again, if the feelings (his as well as yours) are real.

Coughingdodger · 28/09/2023 15:02

As a pp said it sounds like he’s flailing about right now and he’ll pull everyone under with him - his DC and you.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 28/09/2023 15:02

‘I only started to thred to ask if people thought it was a red flag he wasn't telling his late girlfriends family / his own parents /- his stepdaughter about me or not.’

Well, I think you have your answer, however much you may dislike it. His ‘behaviour’ is a red flag, if the danger being signalled is that you are expecting too much from a recently bereaved man in terms of fitting into his previous and ongoing life and relationships. People have not come onto the thread to ‘be kind’ to you, but ( on the whole) to offer you their perception of the relationship, their own relevant experience and their advice as to your expectations. Their honesty is probably the best sort of ‘kindness’.

I suppose my feeling is that if you do truly love this man, you will accept what he can offer you in the way of love and companionship, now, in the minute, without making any demands or putting pressure on him or his partners grieving family and friends. Only you know whether that is enough for you

Original poster

Advice444 · 28/09/2023 15:03

Coughingdodger · 28/09/2023 14:57

This is a good reply.
Kinder than I would have given.
You sound totally unsuitable to parent these grieving children OP. That may not be your fault - just that you sound immature and he’s almost certainly not thinking clearly.
For the children’s sake and your own you need to step right back. Expect much less, maybe even look elsewhere for a while until the dust settles.

Show quote history

I can't look elsewhere because mainly I don't want to. I'm not a serial dater, I only date one person at once and I love him too much to do that. But also he has asked me to be exclusive and promised exclusivity to me also, so I wouldnt do that to him.

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/09/2023 15:05

The ring and photo normal

Think I took my weddings rings off maybe 18mths in

And pic stayed while

But ignoring /pretending don't know if see in public is a bit shit

A simple hello would be nice

Original poster

Advice444 · 28/09/2023 15:06

Just to clarify with everyone I haven't mentioned any of the stuff on this thread to him . I've only mentioned it on here to you guys. I haven't put pressure on him r.e telling his family /introducing the stepdaughter. I asked once , he said no and that was that. I didn't push further. I haven't mentioned anything else to him since. I haven't pressurised him at all.

OP posts:

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 28/09/2023 15:06

Advice444 · 28/09/2023 15:03

I can't look elsewhere because mainly I don't want to. I'm not a serial dater, I only date one person at once and I love him too much to do that. But also he has asked me to be exclusive and promised exclusivity to me also, so I wouldnt do that to him.

Show quote history

Then you have to accept that this relationship is going to move at a much slower pace than you want it to for the sake of the two grieving children.

You are not the priority in this set up, and nor should you be. His son and step-daughter have to, at this moment and probably for a very considerable time, come before you both.

millymog11 · 28/09/2023 15:06

" But also he has asked me to be exclusive and promised exclusivity to me also, so I wouldnt do that to him."

A couple of questions and apologies if i missed the answers if they have already been given

did you start seeing this man before the mother of his children had died?
What did the mother of his children die of and was it a long drawn out illness?
on a separate point - is there a big age gap between you and this person i.e. is he much older than you?
you say he asked you for exclusivity so does that mean he has not dated or even started talking to anyone else since his wife has died but only you?

peachgreen · 28/09/2023 15:09

This is an excellent response from @Wishimaywishimight.

OP, I’m not sure why posters are blaming you for this mess – I actually think he’s been very irresponsible in starting such a serious relationship so soon, and making promises that he can’t possibly know that he’ll want to keep. I’m sorry he’s put you in this position. Unfortunately I suspect him cutting down the amount of time you spend together is him backing off – not necessarily because he doesn’t care about you but because he is simply not ready to make any kind of commitment. Maybe if you hang around it will work out, maybe not. It’s impossible to tell. Personally I would walk away and let him grieve first, and come back when he’s ready to be in a relationship. But I know that’s easier said than done. If you want to stay, you have to be prepared to take everything at his pace and expect a bumpy ride.

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/09/2023 15:10

We are friends at school too so he knew me before her passing
*

Then why is he ignoring you are parties and not taking or saying hello*

Original poster

Advice444 · 28/09/2023 15:11

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/09/2023 15:10

We are friends at school too so he knew me before her passing
*

Then why is he ignoring you are parties and not taking or saying hello*

Hrs worried that the school mums will cause drama if they find out about us...

OP posts:

Original poster

Advice444 · 28/09/2023 15:13

millymog11 · 28/09/2023 15:06

" But also he has asked me to be exclusive and promised exclusivity to me also, so I wouldnt do that to him."

A couple of questions and apologies if i missed the answers if they have already been given

did you start seeing this man before the mother of his children had died?
What did the mother of his children die of and was it a long drawn out illness?
on a separate point - is there a big age gap between you and this person i.e. is he much older than you?
you say he asked you for exclusivity so does that mean he has not dated or even started talking to anyone else since his wife has died but only you?

No , we didn't have an affair !! I only started seeing him after she had djed.

She died of cancer.

No there's a couple of years between us.

Yes

OP posts:

Sunshinenrain · 28/09/2023 15:13

OP have you ever had a relationship before?

How old are you both?

shockinglackofblackberries · 28/09/2023 15:13

I think you need to step away from this thread and possibly the relationship. Your boyfriend hasn't had time to grieve or create a new normal for his children. You cannot save him or his family nor can you protect them.
My DP is a widower with three children. His wife had died years before I met him. I see similarities between you and me. Whether you can see it or not. You want to be everything to everyone. You want to save them all and for them to be grateful for being in their lives. You want to be friends with the kids and you want to be the cool understanding girlfriend who turns a blind eye to the fact he has not dealt with her loss. How you behave now is how you will be treated moving forward. You will always keep your mouth shut and be a sounding board for him to be the understanding girlfriend. Big mistake. You will put up with poor behaviour from children who lash out because you want to be the understanding girlfriend.
Have the conversation with him. Ensure his grief is directed to a counsellor. Do not become the default to this. You don't seem to anticipate any of this. Just wanting pizza with the daughter wanting his in laws to know. Unrealistic in my opinion.

Original poster

Advice444 · 28/09/2023 15:14

peachgreen · 28/09/2023 15:09

This is an excellent response from @Wishimaywishimight.

OP, I’m not sure why posters are blaming you for this mess – I actually think he’s been very irresponsible in starting such a serious relationship so soon, and making promises that he can’t possibly know that he’ll want to keep. I’m sorry he’s put you in this position. Unfortunately I suspect him cutting down the amount of time you spend together is him backing off – not necessarily because he doesn’t care about you but because he is simply not ready to make any kind of commitment. Maybe if you hang around it will work out, maybe not. It’s impossible to tell. Personally I would walk away and let him grieve first, and come back when he’s ready to be in a relationship. But I know that’s easier said than done. If you want to stay, you have to be prepared to take everything at his pace and expect a bumpy ride.

Thankyou for the kind messahe xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Advice444 · 28/09/2023 15:15

Sunshinenrain · 28/09/2023 15:13

OP have you ever had a relationship before?

How old are you both?

Yes of course... why? I've had long term relationships.
I'm 30. He's 32.

OP posts:

Unicorny244 · 28/09/2023 15:16

You are young and rightly planning for your future and I can empathize why you’re anxious about moving at pace. You want kids. You might expect to be married first. You want to live together for a few years maybe, but you need for the whole family to know about you before that can happen harmoniously etc etc etc.

Truthfully OP- I think you need to step away. Any chance of the future you’re envisioning with this man is years away and you seem like that is not on your timescale at all. You want to build a family with him but he already has, and had that family and that future with someone else. Now that family and that future has had its very foundations ripped out of it and you’re left in the pile of rubble. I’m sure he hasn’t lied to you in wanting to rebuild that, but I don’t think you are in the right headspace to accept that these foundations would take years and years to repair.

When you do become a mother one day, on your terms, I think maybe you will look upon things a little differently and realise the responsibility we all have of putting the needs of children selflessly before our own. It’s not about being nice to them or being their friend or showing them sympathy as you call it. It’s about realising that these kids have had their very identity and world flipped upside down and the things that happen in these weeks and months will define their entire lives going forward. I don’t think from what you say you can accept truly that your own needs and relationship comes rank bottom to that. Sorry.

Original poster

Advice444 · 28/09/2023 15:16

shockinglackofblackberries · 28/09/2023 15:13

I think you need to step away from this thread and possibly the relationship. Your boyfriend hasn't had time to grieve or create a new normal for his children. You cannot save him or his family nor can you protect them.
My DP is a widower with three children. His wife had died years before I met him. I see similarities between you and me. Whether you can see it or not. You want to be everything to everyone. You want to save them all and for them to be grateful for being in their lives. You want to be friends with the kids and you want to be the cool understanding girlfriend who turns a blind eye to the fact he has not dealt with her loss. How you behave now is how you will be treated moving forward. You will always keep your mouth shut and be a sounding board for him to be the understanding girlfriend. Big mistake. You will put up with poor behaviour from children who lash out because you want to be the understanding girlfriend.
Have the conversation with him. Ensure his grief is directed to a counsellor. Do not become the default to this. You don't seem to anticipate any of this. Just wanting pizza with the daughter wanting his in laws to know. Unrealistic in my opinion.

What similarities do you see ?
Do you mind me asking how your relationship started and progressed ? Xx

OP posts:

TheFormidableMrsC · 28/09/2023 15:17

I can only speak from experiences within my own family. However, I think you are trying to rush things. 9 months is nothing after suffering such a horrendous loss, let alone dealing with the illness and treatment in the time before death. You can't expect people who are still grieving, particularly children, to welcome you with open arms. It's far too soon. As I said, I'm speaking of my own experiences. Back off would be my advice.

Original poster

Advice444 · 28/09/2023 15:18

Unicorny244 · 28/09/2023 15:16

You are young and rightly planning for your future and I can empathize why you’re anxious about moving at pace. You want kids. You might expect to be married first. You want to live together for a few years maybe, but you need for the whole family to know about you before that can happen harmoniously etc etc etc.

Truthfully OP- I think you need to step away. Any chance of the future you’re envisioning with this man is years away and you seem like that is not on your timescale at all. You want to build a family with him but he already has, and had that family and that future with someone else. Now that family and that future has had its very foundations ripped out of it and you’re left in the pile of rubble. I’m sure he hasn’t lied to you in wanting to rebuild that, but I don’t think you are in the right headspace to accept that these foundations would take years and years to repair.

When you do become a mother one day, on your terms, I think maybe you will look upon things a little differently and realise the responsibility we all have of putting the needs of children selflessly before our own. It’s not about being nice to them or being their friend or showing them sympathy as you call it. It’s about realising that these kids have had their very identity and world flipped upside down and the things that happen in these weeks and months will define their entire lives going forward. I don’t think from what you say you can accept truly that your own needs and relationship comes rank bottom to that. Sorry.

I am a mother x

OP posts:

sunglassesonthetable · 28/09/2023 15:19

I suppose the massive red flag is that his gf died and just 9 months ago.

And sadly that's no one's fault. It is just what it is.

I don't think you can expect this relationship to proceed how another relationship would. It's probably going to be different.

Basically there is so much baggage.

sunglassesonthetable · 28/09/2023 15:21

There's no easy fix on you taking a back seat.