Page 2 | Dating a widower

Advice444 · 2023-09-28T11:51:57+00:00

Hello, I don't know what I'm hoping to gain out of this. Just looking possibly for some advice. I have been dating a widower for 6 months. His girlfriend died 9 months ago. (Please no judgement on this as I know everyone grieves differently and dates at different points in their journey). I am in love with this man. I truly am in love with him. However I'm struggling. He has only told his work colleagues and sister about me. He hasn't told his parents or his late girlfriends family. Should they know by now or not ? I've asked him and he won't tell them yet, says it's too soon. He will also not tell his reception age son that we are dating (although I have met his son on many occasions in the house and chatted/played with him and we get on well.) He will not tell his 10 year old stepdaughter (late girlfriends child from previous relationship) about us at all and I can't spend time with them if she is there. I've asked him his though on telliNG her ans again it's a no she isn't ready yet. Any advice or thoughts or help? I'm head over heels for this man, so I don't want to leave. I've caught major feelings so it's too late for that. I really do love him. But any advice or perspective would be good. Found myself in tears earlier about it all. Advice from widowers would be extra appreciated!

Crochetablanket · 28/09/2023 13:38

Advice444 · 28/09/2023 13:36

I don't know if I'm doing it right when I try and respond to people directly but for those who have been widowed themselves on this thread or have dated a widower could you please tell me how often you saw each other/went on dates during the first year ?

We were seeing each other weekly but now he says he can't manage it weekly anymore. Is this a worry ? We've dated weekly for months. And it's always been the bare minimum I've seen someone I suppose

I just crossed posted with you, but this reveals I was right in my thinking.

It is all about you and what you want.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 28/09/2023 13:39

Advice444 · 28/09/2023 13:36

I don't know if I'm doing it right when I try and respond to people directly but for those who have been widowed themselves on this thread or have dated a widower could you please tell me how often you saw each other/went on dates during the first year ?

We were seeing each other weekly but now he says he can't manage it weekly anymore. Is this a worry ? We've dated weekly for months. And it's always been the bare minimum I've seen someone I suppose

You press the three dots at the top right and press quote to reply directly.

It’s very much all about you. I don’t think you’re cut out for a relationship with a widower with children.

walk away. For all of your sakes.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 28/09/2023 13:39

And it really doesn’t matter if other people in a similar situation saw each other daily, weekly or monthly.

He is right to do what works for him and his children.

PosiePerkinPootleFlump · 28/09/2023 13:41

It's really really early days in their grief. Especially for the kids, and even more for the 10 year old.
I didn't introduce my partner to my kids until 10 months in to our relationship, and that was a couple of years after their dad and I got divorced. I think you'd need to be way more careful after someone has died.
If you can't handle a slower pace and less frequent meetings etc I think you should call it a day. He rightly has to prioritise those kids just now

DrowsyDragon · 28/09/2023 13:42

Advice444 · 28/09/2023 13:36

I don't know if I'm doing it right when I try and respond to people directly but for those who have been widowed themselves on this thread or have dated a widower could you please tell me how often you saw each other/went on dates during the first year ?

We were seeing each other weekly but now he says he can't manage it weekly anymore. Is this a worry ? We've dated weekly for months. And it's always been the bare minimum I've seen someone I suppose

I have to say this takes me back to my original feeling and that is you are not going to be happy in this relationship unless you change your perspective. This is not like dating a single man or even a divorced dad with set "free time". He's processing a huge loss and dealing with confused and traumatised children. You cannot be the priority without him failing to protect them. I wouldn't date someone who couldn't understand that the promise i'd make would be to do my best to see them, not to guarantee a set amount of time. Are you quite young by any chance? In my case, we can't meet up frequently but we talk very regularly and watch movies together by texting or calling while watching because I am home of evening with my kids.

peachgreen · 28/09/2023 13:42

I’m a widow. He’s started dating way too soon, in my opinion – not because I’m judging him for “moving on” too fast (as I know full well there is no moving on!) but because at three months in he would still have been in the throes of shock and that’s a terrible time to start a new relationship. There’s no way to know if you’re starting it for the right reasons or because you’re desperately lonely and sad and searching for something to help. It’s done now, but this will no doubt have an impact on how your relationship moves forward and you could both be in for a rocky ride.

Anyway. You can’t push him with the kids. They are grieving. He will know when they’re ready and that could be a long while. I didn’t introduce DD to my new partner until we’d been together a year. He didn’t meet any of my in-laws until then either and even now I don’t talk about him with them very much. It’s all very delicate and sensitive, and hard for me to manage. Thankfully he is incredibly understanding and knows that it has no reflection on my feelings for him. He has taken everything at my pace and that’s why it’s lasted.

Original poster

Advice444 · 28/09/2023 13:43

I think it's unfair to say it's all about me. I haven't posted everything on here obviously but I have accepted a lot within this relationship. More than I've posted on here. The reason I asked about the date frequency is as I said we've dated weekly for months and I am concerned him changing it to every 2/3weeks is a red flag that he isn't interested. (That's normally the case for non bereavement relationships anyway when they start decreasing the frequency of dates ).
He has expressed a desire to have kids together and to live together in the future.... adding this in case its relevant

OP posts:

peachgreen · 28/09/2023 13:44

Also, to be clear: dating a widowed person has challenges. Especially someone who was widowed so recently. If those challenges aren’t something you want to deal with, that is totally understandable and you are well within your rights to walk away.

Original poster

Advice444 · 28/09/2023 13:46

DrowsyDragon · 28/09/2023 13:42

I have to say this takes me back to my original feeling and that is you are not going to be happy in this relationship unless you change your perspective. This is not like dating a single man or even a divorced dad with set "free time". He's processing a huge loss and dealing with confused and traumatised children. You cannot be the priority without him failing to protect them. I wouldn't date someone who couldn't understand that the promise i'd make would be to do my best to see them, not to guarantee a set amount of time. Are you quite young by any chance? In my case, we can't meet up frequently but we talk very regularly and watch movies together by texting or calling while watching because I am home of evening with my kids.

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I'm 30 and he's 33

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2023 13:46

He started dating you just three months after his partner died. I think you're mad to be in this relationship, honestly. It's just far too soon, especially given that young children are involved. IMO, you're either a "rebound" to quell the loneliness or he's looking for a replacement mummy.

pikkumyy77 · 28/09/2023 13:46

OP you really don’t seem to be getting it—this man is in trauma and so are the children and they will be for a while. He us prioritizing the children, as he should , and trying to figure out what will work for them over the next few months or years. What works for him is seeing you discreetly, sometimes, and focusing on the children and their needs the rest of the time.

You have some romantic fantasy of being a quickie new mommy/auntie/glamorous older friend to the little girl. Thats really unwise and selfish of you. Neither you nor he know how ling your relationship will last. The LAST thing this family needs is a replacement mummy. If there are girly things this little girl needs her two fathers can step up and offer it. Solidifying their relationship with her. Your post feels full of unseemly haste to shoehorn yourself into the family before they can recover and make an informed choice.

Please focus more on the relationship with the man, in the time around the children. If The relationship is the right one for him he will figure out a way to introduce you in a few years—at any rate on a timeline appropriate to the children.

DrowsyDragon · 28/09/2023 13:47

Advice444 · 28/09/2023 13:43

I think it's unfair to say it's all about me. I haven't posted everything on here obviously but I have accepted a lot within this relationship. More than I've posted on here. The reason I asked about the date frequency is as I said we've dated weekly for months and I am concerned him changing it to every 2/3weeks is a red flag that he isn't interested. (That's normally the case for non bereavement relationships anyway when they start decreasing the frequency of dates ).
He has expressed a desire to have kids together and to live together in the future.... adding this in case its relevant

It might be. It sounds to me a lot like he is flailing around being widowed and maybe he is trying to have his cake and eat it too. I get the desire to get back to 'safe' relationship space after bereavement but i can also see how he might be panicking a bit about that now. Basically, it's going to be rocky. If this is causing your grief this might not be the relationship for you

peachgreen · 28/09/2023 13:48

The thing is at 9 months in his grief will be changing all the time. I found 9-12 months impossibly hard, I pushed a lot of people away and wanted to be alone a lot. Then 12-16 months was relatively easy, then it hit me again really badly at 16 months, etc etc. I started dating 18 months in and even then, the first 6 months with DP I was vehement about keeping things casual because I was still very much actively grieving. I’m 3 years in now and only just able to enjoy my relationship with DP as its own thing, without it being impacted by my grief for DH. He’s on a rollercoaster and you are being dragged along with it. It’s not going to be easy, I’m afraid.

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 28/09/2023 13:49

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2023 13:46

He started dating you just three months after his partner died. I think you're mad to be in this relationship, honestly. It's just far too soon, especially given that young children are involved. IMO, you're either a "rebound" to quell the loneliness or he's looking for a replacement mummy.

Exactly what I think unfortunately. He's just looking for someone to cling on to to try and get through the worst time of his life.

ACertainKindOfLight · 28/09/2023 13:50

You need to slow down or you will frighten him off.
Six months is nothing, he will still be grieving deeply, alongside other members of the family.
I am a widow of ten years and l made the decision early on to stay as l am because the men l dated just wanted to fast track everything and l refused to be manipulated or controlled. You are in unknown territory, there is no way you can understand what he is feeling or thinking. I often wish l could meet a widower because l wouldn't have to watch every single word of act a certain way just so not to make new partner feel insecure.
I found dating a complete nightmare, the men l met couldn't of given a shit what my sons had been through, it was all about them and what they wanted.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 28/09/2023 13:50

Advice444 · 28/09/2023 13:43

I think it's unfair to say it's all about me. I haven't posted everything on here obviously but I have accepted a lot within this relationship. More than I've posted on here. The reason I asked about the date frequency is as I said we've dated weekly for months and I am concerned him changing it to every 2/3weeks is a red flag that he isn't interested. (That's normally the case for non bereavement relationships anyway when they start decreasing the frequency of dates ).
He has expressed a desire to have kids together and to live together in the future.... adding this in case its relevant

People can only go by what you’ve posted. And what you’ve posted is basically coming over that you want to push the relationship, and the children, at your pace.

Rather than accepting that he knows them best so is far better positioned to know than you.

DrowsyDragon · 28/09/2023 13:51

Advice444 · 28/09/2023 13:46

I'm 30 and he's 33

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Gosh, that's so young for him to have gone through this. I'm four years older than him and I feel horribly young to have experienced this. He's really doing an amazing job for his son and his stepdaughter. I think for your own sake you need to step way back, even from his son and give it time or walk away altogether. If gettign married and having your own kids is a goal for you this might not be the best relationship for that. Y

Blough · 28/09/2023 13:54

Your posts are all about you pushing to be introduced to a group of appallingly traumatised people, very recently bereaved. It’s irrelevant, if the boyfriend introduced you he’d get asked when you started dating, to which the answer is shockingly, a few weeks after his girlfriend died. He may not want to deal with peoples reactions to that. He should rightly be focused solely on his traumatised child.

NeedToChangeName · 28/09/2023 13:55

I know it's not fashionable to judge, but I do raise an eyebrow at a man dating a new GF just 3 months after their long term GF died

Original poster

Advice444 · 28/09/2023 13:56

pikkumyy77 · 28/09/2023 13:46

OP you really don’t seem to be getting it—this man is in trauma and so are the children and they will be for a while. He us prioritizing the children, as he should , and trying to figure out what will work for them over the next few months or years. What works for him is seeing you discreetly, sometimes, and focusing on the children and their needs the rest of the time.

You have some romantic fantasy of being a quickie new mommy/auntie/glamorous older friend to the little girl. Thats really unwise and selfish of you. Neither you nor he know how ling your relationship will last. The LAST thing this family needs is a replacement mummy. If there are girly things this little girl needs her two fathers can step up and offer it. Solidifying their relationship with her. Your post feels full of unseemly haste to shoehorn yourself into the family before they can recover and make an informed choice.

Please focus more on the relationship with the man, in the time around the children. If The relationship is the right one for him he will figure out a way to introduce you in a few years—at any rate on a timeline appropriate to the children.

I don't have a romantic fantasy of being her replacement mum/friend /glamorous auntie. That's extremely hurtful to suggest.
I was just trying to demonstrate that just because she's his stepdaughter and not his biological daughter I would still treat her the same as his biological son who I see a lot .... that's all. And that i would make an effort to include her. Please don't suggest otherwise. Its incorrect and hurtful.

OP posts:

Original poster

Advice444 · 28/09/2023 13:58

DrowsyDragon · 28/09/2023 13:51

Gosh, that's so young for him to have gone through this. I'm four years older than him and I feel horribly young to have experienced this. He's really doing an amazing job for his son and his stepdaughter. I think for your own sake you need to step way back, even from his son and give it time or walk away altogether. If gettign married and having your own kids is a goal for you this might not be the best relationship for that. Y

Show quote history

HE has told me he wants to live with me have kids with me in the future... HE has expressed this to me. Xx

OP posts:

DrowsyDragon · 28/09/2023 13:58

ACertainKindOfLight · 28/09/2023 13:50

You need to slow down or you will frighten him off.
Six months is nothing, he will still be grieving deeply, alongside other members of the family.
I am a widow of ten years and l made the decision early on to stay as l am because the men l dated just wanted to fast track everything and l refused to be manipulated or controlled. You are in unknown territory, there is no way you can understand what he is feeling or thinking. I often wish l could meet a widower because l wouldn't have to watch every single word of act a certain way just so not to make new partner feel insecure.
I found dating a complete nightmare, the men l met couldn't of given a shit what my sons had been through, it was all about them and what they wanted.

sorry, seizing control of the thread here, it's really interesting for me if sad to hear that. As I said I'm in my first year od widowhood but it very different for me because my husband was an active and quite abusive alcoholic for the last years of his life and we were separated, due to this. I briefly tried online dating - i felt like I wanted to prove I was ok, and found it just like that. Lots of men who wanted me to guarantee the time and prioritise them and it was hugely offputting. My friend has been so veyr good about that so far but I would be so angry if he was trying to push me to meet my children and so on

Quitelikeit · 28/09/2023 13:58

He is trying to protect the child’s feelings.

If you love this man give him time. Believe me he will be thinking about her everyday. It’s not as easy as you think to move on

be patient

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 28/09/2023 14:00

@Advice444 What do you want from the thread?

So far you’re simply arguing with anyone giving an answer or opinion you don’t like

ditalini · 28/09/2023 14:03

It's not unusual for widowed men to start a new relationship fairly quickly (although obviously it's completely normal for them not to). It doesn't necessarily say anything about the new relationship and its long-term chances, and often men who had very, very happy marriages do this.

He may however be aware that it would feel far too soon for other people in his life and he's quite rightly not involving them for that reason. Even if he was divorced it might still feel far too early to introduce you to children.

I wonder if he knows that his inlaws will be devastated that he's moved on so quickly and he worries that he won't be allowed to maintain the relationship with his stepdaughter if he upsets them?

Re: the less regular dates, how much have you been talking about making the relationship public? Could he be withdrawing because of it? He might feel that this is a deal-breaker for you, and if it is for him too then it's probably not worth continuing.

It might also just be that at the moment he's finding the loss more acute and present and feels the need to step back for a bit.

I do think that you need to let him take the lead completely in how he deals with things, and if this isn't something that you can do then it's totally fine for you to decide that this relationship isn't for you.