Dating a widower

[Advice444]

Hello,
I don't know what I'm hoping to gain out of this. Just looking possibly for some advice. I have been dating a widower for 6 months. His girlfriend died 9 months ago. (Please no judgement on this as I know everyone grieves differently and dates at different points in their journey).

I am in love with this man. I truly am in love with him. However I'm struggling. He has only told his work colleagues and sister about me. He hasn't told his parents or his late girlfriends family. Should they know by now or not ? I've asked him and he won't tell them yet, says it's too soon.
He will also not tell his reception age son that we are dating (although I have met his son on many occasions in the house and chatted/played with him and we get on well.) He will not tell his 10 year old stepdaughter (late girlfriends child from previous relationship) about us at all and I can't spend time with them if she is there. I've asked him his though on telliNG her ans again it's a no she isn't ready yet.

Any advice or thoughts or help?

I'm head over heels for this man, so I don't want to leave. I've caught major feelings so it's too late for that. I really do love him. But any advice or perspective would be good. Found myself in tears earlier about it all.
Advice from widowers would be extra appreciated!

" I don’t think from what you say you can accept truly that your own needs and relationship comes rank bottom to that. Sorry."

Thing is.
The man the OP is posting about probably has moments when he knows all too well that any woman he gets in a relationship with now is taking on a pretty heavy burden in walking with him and his children through the grief they are experiencing now. That grief will go on for years and years and certainly for the children who have lost their mother, for the rest of their lives.
The attraction of OP is her unrestrained willingness to be with him and want him (in particular want him to be the father of her future children more than anything else). He knows this and this is what allows him to agree with OP that they be exclusive with each other without any other details or commitments from him. If he was not grieving the mother of his children I would say it is pretty cynical on his part and very very naieve of OP.

I think this is not the relationship for you then, not right now. give him time, give you time, focus on your child. I think other posters about dealing with children's grief is very true. I never know when it will come up and overwhelm them. I tripped over and scraped my knee and my eldest cried because that apparently meant I was sick. There's too much baggage and its making you feel insecure.

Then you must understand why you can’t push these issues? Their father/stepfather doesn’t think it is right for their family and that’s a decision only he can make. It’s no real reflection on you- just what he as a parent thinks is best for them.

This is very sad and I wish you nothing but luck and happiness OP!

I see you making the mistakes I did. I mean this kindly. And if I'm wrong then I'm happy to admit it. Basically I became Mary poppins. I was the super understanding girlfriend that dealt with all the out pouring a of grief. It created a dynamic of me having to spend hours listening about a woman I didn't know and actually didn't have an emotional reaction to his grief. I tried to be super cool to the children. Tolerating shitty behaviour became the norm
Because they missed their mum. I became a shell of myself. I met him ten years ago and met his children after five weeks for the reason your friend has mentioned as in we were dating locally. That was it for a while. Every few weeks we would meet for a dog walk and I would go my separate way. Started doing days out after about 9 months and I moved in after 18 months. I had to completely turn things around. Have an honest conversation about not wanting to be the sounding board. He had to go to a counsellor. I stayed what I needed to change in the house. If it was a non negotiable for him as In refusing to move certain items then I wouldn't move in. If the children are upset about their mum direct them to their dad. Do not be the sounding board. This is a new relationship for you both. Make sure you have your expectations and they are set. My DP was wiling to acknowledge he hasn't dealt with his grief even 8 years after her death. All your boyfriend is doing now is delaying his grief by filing it with you. You deserve more.

You just sound very intense and I assumed you were either very young or hadn’t had a proper relationship before.

So many errors in that post sorry.

Why should you say anything to him about either of those things?
My husband was widowed 33 years ago when his children were very young. I we've been married 18 years and he still has a small photo of his first wife in his wallet. I wouldn't dream of saying anything about it and it doesn't bother me at all.
We dated for 2 years before either of us met each other's children

I think there's something else of relevance, which no-one else (I think) has mentioned yet.

Losing a spouse is incredibly traumatic - it literally rips up every aspect of life and selfhood as you knew it (at least, it did for me) - and one of the ways that such trauma can manifest itself, is through the desire for sex and intimacy. It's very difficult to talk about and make sense of, and IME widows very rarely talk about it to non-widows. I certainly don't, because, frankly, it's embarrassing, and because I can't even make sense of it to myself. But all I can say is that, in the first few months after my husband died, I experienced this almost primal need for physical intimacy. It was like nothing I've ever experienced before. Perhaps it's something instinctual - the body recognising proximity to death, and trying to procreate like mad. Or perhaps trauma is an incredibly physical experience, and perhaps there's something about trying to quell the hurt and pain with a different sensation. Or perhaps I was terrified that I was going to be alone and untouched forever.

I don't know, but it's a widespread phenomenon among widows and widowers - it even has a name: "widow's fire". Some people act on it; and some people don't. I joined loads of dating sites and even things like Killing Kittens; although ultimately I held back from meeting anyone in person.

Now, I look back on that period, and can recognise how completely broken and frankly mad I was. I'm not necessarily saying that your partner was as mad as me, but I guess I think that, when he says a few months after his wife died, that he wants kids and a permanent co-habiting relationship, that statement from a very recent widower does not necessarily come from the same place as if it came from someone who wasn't deeply traumatised and bereft. I'm not saying that he's lying; just that he's likely in a very different emotional place from you. I think that the change in your relationship now - the desire he's expressed for seeing you less often - is a marker of how his own state-of-mind is changing as time moves on. For me, I was a bit more sane 9 months after my husband died. I'm sorry that this is probably not what you want to hear.

"and one of the ways that such trauma can manifest itself, is through the desire for sex and intimacy"
Yes I mentioned this. I think it is common (especially in men) and is often hidden because other people think that mourning should involve some kind of abstaining which is incredibly judgmental. Nonetheless, it is still a big part of the grief experience for some people.

I have got the advice I wanted re is it nornal he hasn't told his stepdaughter yet ? Everyone has said yes it's nornal. So I've got my answer.
Similarly I asked if his parents should know yet. Everyone has said not really. So again I've got my answer.

I love him dearly so I'll just have to rough it out. Think I may go low for a few days. Do you think I should tell him I'm doing so or just do it and see if he notices ?

I don't WANT to go low but feel i should as everyone keeps suggesting it

Don’t play games with him.

He was upfront with you when he needed to change things from weekly to less often.

I love him dearly so I'll just have to rough it out. Think I may go low for a few days. Do you think I should tell him I'm doing so or just do it and see if he notices ?

I don't think you should cause drama. He really doesn't need that.

You're in a hard position OP.

less 'go low' with the implication of game playing but take your cue from him. Don;t sit around waiting for him and pushing the issue.

Nobody suggested playing games or causing drama.

Just accept him changing from the weekly and see how it goes.

Theres no need to make “going low” a big deal.

If you love him, follow his lead on this. In fact, explicitly tell him that you will do this.

Focus on enjoying the couple time you have together. Quality not quantity. Ensure your solitary time is enriched and meaningful to you.

What will be, will be.

"I'm 30. He's 32."
Quote from OP

He has kids you have none.
He has asked you to give him exclusivity and you have agreed it with no other details.
So if he eventually agrees you can live with him and you see into the future and can see you get pregnant with his first child with you when you are 39, or 40 or 41 or older. Are you ok with waiting 9 years? He can do that if you have promised him exclusivity and you love him as dearly as you say you do.
If the answer to that is yes, I will wait for that then I think you have your answer, time is on his side and you can relax knowing you have those years to be relatively free whilst he deals with the fallout of his children's understandable grief journey.

If you are not prepared to wait that long, say you still want to see him but you want to start seeing other people too because you understand that neither of you can know what the future holds. He will probably accept you doing that anyway so I'm not sure why you wouldnt tell him that, it is a reasonable thing to say.

He needs to grieve and focus on his kids.

My best friend was widowed at 31. Her dh also my best friend was 32. I had known her dh first, and lived with him as roomates 12 years prior. He meant the world to me. They will always be my family.

There is an amazing book by Joan Didion called the year of magical thinking. That first year they tell you not to make any major decisions.

I don't know what it's like to be widowed but I know what it's like to see people I loved most suffer, and losing him destroyed me as well in ways.

I've also seen Kat have to rebuild her life with her young dd.

He should not be introducing you to his kids. He should not be meeting your kids. Even if he wasn't widowed it's too soon.

His kids have gone through a serious trauma. You can't fix him or his children.

He needs to focus on them. I don't think he's lying to you, but I think he's escaping into a fantasy life with you. Dreaming of a family with you is a lot easier than facing his own heartbreak and his children's trauma.

If he is the one and this is meant to be, it will work without it being forced.

My advice would be to step back for now and revisit the relationship later on. Take a few months for him to focus on his life and you focus on yours.

It will work out if it's meant to.

If he's not in therapy he needs to be as do the children.

You are not dealing with a rational man, because no one is rational in the early stages of grief.

I have pics in my condo of Will and Kat getting married, pregnant, with their dd. I still miss him like crazy and it's been 13 years. He was the best man I knew.

3 months to be dating is no time at all, especially given he has traumatized kids to focus on.

Big hugs xx

Where has the 7 years come from ? He said a year or two.. That's what I hope happens ideally too.
I have a child. But want more. And would like them with him

With all due respect, you've got your head in the clouds but with a manipulative streak( asking if you should lay low), knowing that he prob fears loss as he is still grieveing and will come after you.

Leave this poor man and his poor kids alone, if you really care.

It isn't manipulation.... everyone in this thread has suggested a bit of distance...!!!!

Blimey OP. You’ve got yourself into a proper mess.

I have no personal experience of widowhood so will leave that to the experience of the wise previous posters.

But - it strikes me that you’re seeing a situation you want rather than the one you have in front of you. You got into a relationship with a man whose wife died weeks before you started dating. Why? What were your expectations when you went on that first date?? It seems bizarre to me.

And now you are in the same situation that prompts 90% of threads on the relationship board - your boyfriend’s words and actions are not matching up. In this case there is probably a good, psychologically complex reason why. But still. Focus on actions not words. You are not getting what you want from this situation. You cannot make someone else behave differently. AND you have a child of your own to consider in all of this. All you can do is walk away - and I can’t believe you would decide to do anything other than walking away, given what’s you’ve described on here.

You sound far too invested and intense .. six months is nothing in a new relationship... especially just three months after your BF's previous DP has died; there is no need for you to have even met his DS let alone his SD. Just back off, concentrate on your own DC rather than living in fantasy land and imagining future DC together.

"Where has the 7 years come from ? He said a year or two.. That's what I hope happens ideally too.
I have a child. But want more. And would like them with him"

This puts a different shade on it. And the fact that your answer fails to recognise the fact that life is unpredictable and the way you want it to pan out might not happen, especially as you are pushing the timetable yourself in these circumstances is very worrying.

• you already have a child yourself
• what if you cannot get pregnant with him even after you both try for that?
• what if it really does take 7-9 years for him to actually get to the stage where you are pregnant and living with him (for whatever reason including maybe because his existing children do not want it)? Would you still want him enough to wait yourself? If the answer is no then you want another baby but you do not love him as a person enough to wait for the father to be him.

OP I will be honest, all of your posts sound like you saying "I want another baby and i want it with you, how quickly can you deliver on my wishes oh grieving heart?" and not that you love the man for who he is as a person, his personality, what he is experiencing day to day.

There are no guarantees in life you know, and dating a man whose wife/partner and the mother of his children has died of cancer when that man is only 32, should be enough evidence of the fact that there are no guarantees in life. He cannot guarantee you anything however much you wish it and you tell him you want it.

Don't ask this man to guarantee you things, that seems a bit wrong in the circumstances don't you think?

He asked me on the first date. He pursued me relentlessly in the beginning. He really did make a lot of effort for weekly dates , nice places , always on time etc. Just to clarify I didn't ask him on the first date or the subsequent ones, he suggested them and asked me on them......

I don't know what I expected but I am head over heels in love with him now. And he tells me he has strong feelings and cares for me a lot.

What do you mean by 'given what you've described on here ' please ? X