Dating a widower

[Advice444]

Hello,
I don't know what I'm hoping to gain out of this. Just looking possibly for some advice. I have been dating a widower for 6 months. His girlfriend died 9 months ago. (Please no judgement on this as I know everyone grieves differently and dates at different points in their journey).

I am in love with this man. I truly am in love with him. However I'm struggling. He has only told his work colleagues and sister about me. He hasn't told his parents or his late girlfriends family. Should they know by now or not ? I've asked him and he won't tell them yet, says it's too soon.
He will also not tell his reception age son that we are dating (although I have met his son on many occasions in the house and chatted/played with him and we get on well.) He will not tell his 10 year old stepdaughter (late girlfriends child from previous relationship) about us at all and I can't spend time with them if she is there. I've asked him his though on telliNG her ans again it's a no she isn't ready yet.

Any advice or thoughts or help?

I'm head over heels for this man, so I don't want to leave. I've caught major feelings so it's too late for that. I really do love him. But any advice or perspective would be good. Found myself in tears earlier about it all.
Advice from widowers would be extra appreciated!

Why did you two stop talking a few weeks ago?

Did Mn get into your head and ruin things - don’t swallow all the things you read on here they are not fact only opinions and not all of them
are remotely relevant- just projections from people

You are suffering a heart break you are clearly a decent mother so
don’t engage with the keyboard warriors on your parenting skills

I’d imagine he will be back in touch and he’s just having a wobble

Have you read the whole thread? Do you think it's ok for a single parent to spend a week lying in bed crying because of a 6 month relationship? Of course people are judging that. It's ridiculous behaviour. I bloody hope he isn't having a wobble. He's in no place to be having a relationship, he's allowed his friend to text abuse to OP and he's clearly got a lot of grieving to do before he is capable of having a relationship again. I hope OP blocks and moves on. She's had a lot of good advice here.

The op is heartbroken and she said she’s been taking her kids to school and I’m assuming picking them
up and feeding them - it’s ok if she was sad, mothers can be sad.

relationships end all the time and both mothers and fathers get sad. It’s normal

and yes it’s bizarre what the woman did but I thought his relationship was a secret so not sure how he told someone or decided the time was right when drunk at 2 in the morning

She's not just 'sad'. By her own admission shes in bed all day, unable to eat, losing weight, crying constantly, 'aching' all over her body and 'plunging into depression'.

That isn't normal, rational or healthy. This is a boyfriend of a few months. She didn't live with him, or have children with him, she didn't even meet his friends.

Children need their parents to be emotionally stable, predictable and capable. Not to get 'swept off their feet' like teenagers one minute and then collapse emotionally the next when it (very predictably) doesn't work out.

Parenting is more than dropping them to and from school and getting a dinner on the table.

What parent can lie in bed crying all day without dropping any of balls?

Being sad is not the same as "plunging into depression", not eating, being unable to get out of bed for a week. This will be massively impacting on the child/children and is probably quite scary. It was a 6 month relationship. Her reaction isn't normal. It's ok to be sad, of course it is, but you simply cannot behave like that when you're a parent.

OP, if someone told you would be dead in a year, would you be wasting your precious days like you are now?
Our days are very few and finite - get out there and live your best life.
We should respect our feelings, but it does us no favours to let them control us completely.
Get up, dry your eyes, get dressed, eat something, and go out. You'll feel better once you've taken hold of your own destiny again.

OP, when my XH walked out on me and our 4yo, it was out of the blue and I went into a state of shock and grief. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I was shaking all the time.

But I had a 4yo child to take to pre-school, to feed, to look after, so I simply had no choice but to keep going.

I went to the doctor who prescribed antidepressants, because I said "I have to keep going for my child". I also sourced private counselling.

You really do need to seek help of some sort, and counselling would help you a lot , as you really need to talk through your feelings and how to move on, and also how to not fall into the same trap again.

It is hard, but counselling helped me immensely.

My daughter also had counselling when she got older to deal with her fathers lack of contact, and I kept saying to her - you will ruin the life you have now if you forever mourn the life you think you would have had. You have to deal with it and move on.

How are you OP? X

Hi everyone,
Not sure if anyone is at all still interested in this thread but wanted to update with recent developments. I found out today that he has been cheating on me with his late girlfriends best friend. He has been cheating on with me with her. And he is going to continue dating his late girlfriends best friend.
Devastated doesn't even come close to how I am feeling. I have never been cheated on before now and it is killing me. It is killing me even more with who it is who.

I'm sorry op. You've dodged a bullet, you really have.

Im so sorry to hear this OP. What an utter shit. Whoever you thought he was never actually existed, do not under any circumstances think this man was ever any good.

Well that explains her vicious message to you. Good luck to her, I can't imagine it will end well.

Sorry OP but at least the truth is out now and you can start to heal. How are you feeling in general, you were in a bad way with depression and grief, have you got some support?

Well, Love, you can't say you weren't warned that you would end up hurt and that he would end up with someone else. But I'm sorry it took his cheating to open your eyes. I hope now that you're truly convinced it never would have lasted and that it's well and truly over.

And a widow/er 'falling' for a friend, or even a relative, of a late spouse/partner is a tale as old as time. They have a common connection through the deceased.

Now, will you please block him and get counseling so you are less vulnerable?

Oh dear, unfortunately no surprise there at all.

I worry for your children above all in this.

It must be so hard for them to have a mother so distressed for so long.

He is not a good man, just another user suiting himself.

You are well rid of him.

He has played you and was not who you thought him to be.

Just another future faker suiting himself.

You deserve better, remember that.

Focus on your children.
I fear they are collateral damage in all of this.

Have you blocked this cheating arsehat yet?

Oooh this didn't age well did it!

OP, it'd be silly for us to say we told you so. I hope you and your child /children are ok.

Hope you're Ok OP. It sounds devastating. I'm very sorry.

This relationship had crash written all over it when you posted first time round. But this still surprised me.

Has it been going from bad to worse ( you were pretty sad then if I remember ) ?
Or has it been OK up till this revelation?

He was obviously not ready to be dating before, for reasons of how newly bereaved he was, but now he also sounds like a twat. I'm sorry, new widows, however life has treated them, can still be twats.

He is not good for you in any way. Sorry OP.

Oh OP. I'm so sorry for you. I think it;s safe to say he is not handling grief well or excusably at all and she may well come to regret this too. Therapy for you and lots of hugs with your child. What an awful man.

Weirdly, I was thinking about you today. Sorry to read your update but it's really no surprise whatsoever. The man is an idiot and has been very disrespectful towards you. Being bereaved doesn't give you the right to shit on people. Is this the same woman who text you abuse?

You have dodged a massive bullet here. I'd consider having a break from dating, concentrate on your kids and stop wasting your time being devastated over such a shitty human being.

Op

your gut was telling you something was off all those months ago and now you know what it was

I’m so so sorry

Does everyone else know about them?

Was it the same woman who messaged you?

So sorry, @Advice444. He isn’t the good, decent person you thought he was. A future with this sneaky cheat would have led to even worse heartbreak and devastation. You’ve had a lucky escape.

I too am wondering if the OW is the witch who told you to get lost. If so, he is choosing to be with a vicious, mean-spirited person.

I echo the advice to access IC to strengthen your self-esteem and learn effective coping strategies, so in the future you’ll spot and walk away from red flag situations.

Do you started seeing him again after things ended in October? Or do you mean he was seeing her before he ended it with you in October and you've just found out?

What a drama

Did you get back together with him after he was letting his friends bully you and he sent you a text saying 'I'm done.'?

After he had you in bed sobbing for days, unable to eat and sliding into depression?

OP, please seek counselling to work on your self esteem.

I'm not surprised he was dating someone else. He sounds a mess. I wouldn't take his behaviour personally, it hasn't ever been about you.

Oh OP I'm sorry. Just because a man is a widower, it does not mean he is a decent human being.

I echo PPs, some therapy would be very helpful for you