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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating a widower

528 replies

Advice444 · 28/09/2023 12:51

Hello,
I don't know what I'm hoping to gain out of this. Just looking possibly for some advice. I have been dating a widower for 6 months. His girlfriend died 9 months ago. (Please no judgement on this as I know everyone grieves differently and dates at different points in their journey).

I am in love with this man. I truly am in love with him. However I'm struggling. He has only told his work colleagues and sister about me. He hasn't told his parents or his late girlfriends family. Should they know by now or not ? I've asked him and he won't tell them yet, says it's too soon.
He will also not tell his reception age son that we are dating (although I have met his son on many occasions in the house and chatted/played with him and we get on well.) He will not tell his 10 year old stepdaughter (late girlfriends child from previous relationship) about us at all and I can't spend time with them if she is there. I've asked him his though on telliNG her ans again it's a no she isn't ready yet.

Any advice or thoughts or help?

I'm head over heels for this man, so I don't want to leave. I've caught major feelings so it's too late for that. I really do love him. But any advice or perspective would be good. Found myself in tears earlier about it all.
Advice from widowers would be extra appreciated!

OP posts:
Original poster
Advice444 · 28/09/2023 14:03

I feel I have to prove myself to everyone on here to demonstrate that it isn't all about me.

For example he has her as his screensaver on his phone, I've said nothing about it to him. He wears his ring around her neck etc , I never mentioned that to him. I keep silent about a lot so I find it hurtful everyone thinks I'm making it all about me. We have to go to parties and pretend not to know each other. I put up with that and don't mention it.
So I'm not selfish.

If anything I'd say I keep a lot in to myself hence why I made this thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
Advice444 · 28/09/2023 14:04

He has told me he would like to have kids with me and live together. I would really like to. I hope he means it. He has told me does mean it.

OP posts:
Lakeyloo · 28/09/2023 14:05

I would agree with the people saying that you need to take a step back. If he's on the rebound you are better off finding out now and getting on with your life. That may not be the case and hopefully things will come good when he is ready. Up to you if you want to wait but i wouldn't expect to be a happy family any time soon, even if you do keep the relationship going.
Six months into a relationship to introduce children to a new partner seems very soon, even if it was following a separation rather than a bereavement. These children (and your partner) lost their mother/wife a few months ago and have a lot to process and come to terms with. Very sad but in this instance it's all about the children and his wishes. No one should come before that I'm afraid. He sounds like a great, considerate Dad. I imagine he will always put his children first if you push him too much.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 28/09/2023 14:05

But your thread is all about you and what you want. So that there are other things doesn’t make people incorrect on that.

You disagree with his wishes for dealing with his children and think they should change. People disagree with that.

You think he should be telling people about you when he’s not comfortable doing so. People disagree with you.

PennyForearm · 28/09/2023 14:06

I don’t think this is the right relationship or person for you, and from what you’ve already explained, I think the more you push the idea of meeting his family, friends and step daughter the more he will pull away.

DrowsyDragon · 28/09/2023 14:06

Ok you should not be having to pretend you don't know him. I think this is not fair on you - maybe you should leave. I don't think he knows what he wants

Blough · 28/09/2023 14:07

Well he’s very, very recently bereaved so yeah, it’s fine and normal to have her on his phone and wear her ring and not at all your place to critique it at any point. Stop pushing. I would have left a man whose girlfriend died weeks ago to grieve, for a year or two before considering if he had dealt with the trauma and was free to date.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 28/09/2023 14:07

It doesn’t sound like he’s ready for a relationship with someone who wants to move at “normal” speeds.

and it doesn’t sound like you’re ready for someone who needs to move a relationship at much slower speeds.

Original poster
Advice444 · 28/09/2023 14:08

Blough · 28/09/2023 14:07

Well he’s very, very recently bereaved so yeah, it’s fine and normal to have her on his phone and wear her ring and not at all your place to critique it at any point. Stop pushing. I would have left a man whose girlfriend died weeks ago to grieve, for a year or two before considering if he had dealt with the trauma and was free to date.

I haven't criticised it ? I haven't mentioned it to him at all ? X

OP posts:
ditalini · 28/09/2023 14:09

NeedToChangeName · 28/09/2023 13:55

I know it's not fashionable to judge, but I do raise an eyebrow at a man dating a new GF just 3 months after their long term GF died

You know, me too when it happened with a friend. I couldn't fathom it and found it pretty upsetting since I had loved his wife so much.

Anyway, with a bit of distance now, two things I know for sure:

  • He loved my friend utterly and completely and was shattered by the loss of her
  • He loves his new wife as well and it doesn't detract from my friend and her memory in the least.

I'm glad I didn't lose him when he announced his new relationship. I could have done with it being on the down-low for longer tbh, and he did lose people who couldn't cope with it.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2023 14:10

For example he has her as his screensaver on his phone, I've said nothing about it to him. He wears his ring around her neck etc , I never mentioned that to him.

We have to go to parties and pretend not to know each other.

He is not ready for a relationship. I'm really struggling to understand how and why you refuse to see this. He hasn't told his parents or her parents about you because he knows this relationship isn't right. The kindest thing you could do for him is to leave him alone.

Blough · 28/09/2023 14:10

You were saying how not selfish you are for not saying anything about things you have no business saying anything about. (The phone, the ring)

hpsaucy · 28/09/2023 14:11

As a widow of 3.5 years, I would say be patient.

It's a hard situation to be in, and you have to understand he is trying to protect other peoples feelings. Its also such early days, emotions will still be high for everyone.

I'm in a new relationship of a year. My eldest DD (22) still has nothing to do with him. Its hard but I know she's struggling. But I also know I can't push her. I want to keep my relationship with her and a would like her to have one with my new partner as well eventually, but at the she's still grieving for her dad.

Original poster
Advice444 · 28/09/2023 14:11

Lakeyloo · 28/09/2023 14:05

I would agree with the people saying that you need to take a step back. If he's on the rebound you are better off finding out now and getting on with your life. That may not be the case and hopefully things will come good when he is ready. Up to you if you want to wait but i wouldn't expect to be a happy family any time soon, even if you do keep the relationship going.
Six months into a relationship to introduce children to a new partner seems very soon, even if it was following a separation rather than a bereavement. These children (and your partner) lost their mother/wife a few months ago and have a lot to process and come to terms with. Very sad but in this instance it's all about the children and his wishes. No one should come before that I'm afraid. He sounds like a great, considerate Dad. I imagine he will always put his children first if you push him too much.

This us what I mean !!! How do you know if he is on the rebound or not ? We've been dating over 6 months now and are very close. And HE has expressed to me that he wants to move in together and have kids etc. Why would he lie ? (Not saying he has lied, just hypothetical). He has expressed that he only wants me, and that we have the same life goals. He has openly told me many times he would like us to have kids together...

OP posts:
sodthesodoff · 28/09/2023 14:11

This reply has been deleted

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Oldthyme · 28/09/2023 14:12

Mehmehmehmehmeg · 28/09/2023 13:15

He sounds like he’s being very considerate of people’s feelings. That’s a positive. The step daughter could quite easily be absolutely devastated to hear about you too soon. The loss of her mother will shape her entire life. Give it time.

This ^
I’m with a widower. I was free/single to be with him.

No kids with deceased wife but she had adult kids/grandkids from her previous marriage.

He told his step family too soon, after only six months.

He set a bomb off in the family. Terrible upset and anger that he had moved on so fast. (Men often do 🤔)

All ok now ten years + later but awful for them (and him) at the time. I kept out of it.

Let him set the pace and let him deal with any issues arising.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 28/09/2023 14:12

ditalini · 28/09/2023 14:09

You know, me too when it happened with a friend. I couldn't fathom it and found it pretty upsetting since I had loved his wife so much.

Anyway, with a bit of distance now, two things I know for sure:

  • He loved my friend utterly and completely and was shattered by the loss of her
  • He loves his new wife as well and it doesn't detract from my friend and her memory in the least.

I'm glad I didn't lose him when he announced his new relationship. I could have done with it being on the down-low for longer tbh, and he did lose people who couldn't cope with it.

Show quote history

Statistically widowed men who were happily married meet someone new quicker than those who were unhappily married.

It was actually my DH’s MIL who sent me that statistic many years ago.

Original poster
Advice444 · 28/09/2023 14:13

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2023 14:10

For example he has her as his screensaver on his phone, I've said nothing about it to him. He wears his ring around her neck etc , I never mentioned that to him.

We have to go to parties and pretend not to know each other.

He is not ready for a relationship. I'm really struggling to understand how and why you refuse to see this. He hasn't told his parents or her parents about you because he knows this relationship isn't right. The kindest thing you could do for him is to leave him alone.

I know , but nearly everyone on this thread is telling me I can't push him to tell the kids or family (which I'm talking on board). You're saying its because he knows it isn't the right relationship for him. Everyone else is saying just to give him time at his own pace to tell people and that it isn't a reflection on me.... argh!!!

OP posts:
Blough · 28/09/2023 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 28/09/2023 14:14

Advice444 · 28/09/2023 14:11

This us what I mean !!! How do you know if he is on the rebound or not ? We've been dating over 6 months now and are very close. And HE has expressed to me that he wants to move in together and have kids etc. Why would he lie ? (Not saying he has lied, just hypothetical). He has expressed that he only wants me, and that we have the same life goals. He has openly told me many times he would like us to have kids together...

Show quote history

The poster didn’t say he was on the rebound. They said “if”.

you’ll get no good from the thread if you just attack everyone because you don’t like the replies.

If you just want people to say “oh yes he should tell everyone about you now and let you meet his stepdaughter when you want” then just say that and you can see if anyone does.

DrowsyDragon · 28/09/2023 14:14

Advice444 · 28/09/2023 14:11

This us what I mean !!! How do you know if he is on the rebound or not ? We've been dating over 6 months now and are very close. And HE has expressed to me that he wants to move in together and have kids etc. Why would he lie ? (Not saying he has lied, just hypothetical). He has expressed that he only wants me, and that we have the same life goals. He has openly told me many times he would like us to have kids together...

Show quote history

I would say the fact that on the one hand he says he wants to move in with you and have kids and on the other, he isn;t telling his family and he's cooling off how often he sees you says that it is a rebound, or could be. He wants to connection and relationship but is worried about the impact. He might get through it, your relationship might ge through it but you would have to be very patient, forgiving and secure. If it's messing with your head, get out now

unfor · 28/09/2023 14:16

I feel for you, OP, you are very young to be dealing with a situation like this. You are seeing it from the perspective of is he into me/do we have a future together/if he wants to see me less does that mean he doesn't like me anymore which is perfectly understandable. But everybody else (him, his kids, his wider family) are living in a parallel universe where the worst thing in the world has happened to them. I think unless you are prepared to put your own needs well behind theirs for a number of years to come, you should step away from this situation for your own well being.

Original poster
Advice444 · 28/09/2023 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I wouldn't have expected us to still be dating past 6 months if it is a rebound but there we are.
I also don't expect rebounds to talk about wanting kids with you and living together but I could be wrong. I would be devastated if this is a rebound and I'd be truly gutted if he had LIED about wanting to live together and have kids with me in a year or thereabouts (that's what he wants ) I'd be gutted if he lied about us having kids , that would be cruel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Advice444 · 28/09/2023 14:21

DrowsyDragon · 28/09/2023 14:14

I would say the fact that on the one hand he says he wants to move in with you and have kids and on the other, he isn;t telling his family and he's cooling off how often he sees you says that it is a rebound, or could be. He wants to connection and relationship but is worried about the impact. He might get through it, your relationship might ge through it but you would have to be very patient, forgiving and secure. If it's messing with your head, get out now

Show quote history

You can see my confusion xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Advice444 · 28/09/2023 14:22

unfor · 28/09/2023 14:16

I feel for you, OP, you are very young to be dealing with a situation like this. You are seeing it from the perspective of is he into me/do we have a future together/if he wants to see me less does that mean he doesn't like me anymore which is perfectly understandable. But everybody else (him, his kids, his wider family) are living in a parallel universe where the worst thing in the world has happened to them. I think unless you are prepared to put your own needs well behind theirs for a number of years to come, you should step away from this situation for your own well being.

Thankyou for being kind and understanding. This is exactly right. You've hit the nail on the head. It's exactly how I feel xx

OP posts:
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