Dating a widower

[Advice444]

Hello,
I don't know what I'm hoping to gain out of this. Just looking possibly for some advice. I have been dating a widower for 6 months. His girlfriend died 9 months ago. (Please no judgement on this as I know everyone grieves differently and dates at different points in their journey).

I am in love with this man. I truly am in love with him. However I'm struggling. He has only told his work colleagues and sister about me. He hasn't told his parents or his late girlfriends family. Should they know by now or not ? I've asked him and he won't tell them yet, says it's too soon.
He will also not tell his reception age son that we are dating (although I have met his son on many occasions in the house and chatted/played with him and we get on well.) He will not tell his 10 year old stepdaughter (late girlfriends child from previous relationship) about us at all and I can't spend time with them if she is there. I've asked him his though on telliNG her ans again it's a no she isn't ready yet.

Any advice or thoughts or help?

I'm head over heels for this man, so I don't want to leave. I've caught major feelings so it's too late for that. I really do love him. But any advice or perspective would be good. Found myself in tears earlier about it all.
Advice from widowers would be extra appreciated!

This is exactly how I feel 'They are not people you want to be involved with. He's being very unpleasant now and the friend, well I have no words. What a nasty thing to do. :(

@Advice444 I didn't mean to sound uncaring but I do think your reaction to such a short relationship where you saw eachother once a week (and I recall that reducing to fortnightly), is quite alarming. Many of us here have either been widowed or abandoned by husbands after very long marriages. I can only speak for myself when I say laying in bed crying for a week when you're a parent is really not ok! I'm not saying this isn't painful for you because it clearly is and you were clearly far more into him than he was to you. However, he's shown you what he is. He has allowed a "friend" to send you abuse so it's time to think "fuck this", get up, sort yourself out and try and find some nice half term things to do with your child. No man is worth this.

@Advice444 Ok. Im sorry but you do not love him after 6 months. It feels like it. But its not love.

The red flags are kinda flapping in the breeze here - in that you are not part of his life at the moment. the step child being kept at a distance.

Im not meaning to be cruel - but this has rebound written all over it.

In the long term your best chance of success with this man -although from what youve written he sounds no prince - is to back off and carry on. He needs time to sort himself out. He isnt relationship material at the moment.

Im not trying to sound horrible. But you are looking at this through rose specs at the moment. There are other men you will feel this way for. It just doesnt seem like it right now.

Im sorry - it is tough. 🌷

The only thing making me laugh at all is you calling him a 'class A bellend ' 😂 I keep repeating it in my head

My husband has abandonded me and more importantly, our DD, after 20 years of marriage in a foreign (his) country. We have been living on no money for 2 years while he has blocked my divorce.

I am still divorcing him and suceeding against all the odds and getting out of bed. My DD is my priority.

Get a grip. This was hysterical bonding at best.

Did he ever actually profess any kind of love for you or are you perhaps exaggerating the perceived strength of his feelings as YOU felt so madly in love?! I'm afraid from all of your posts it seems that he is nowhere near as into you as you are to him.

More worryingly, why are you prioritising his feelings and your response to this short-term relationship (by anyone's standards) over your children's welfare?! It's clear that if he snapped his fingers you would hurry back to him despite the awful behaviour with his friend, have you been trying to contact him despite him breaking up with you?

im not surprised! what a charmer!

Your primary duty is to your children. I don't see you any self awareness in your responses at all only day dreaming and wallowing. We have all had our heart broken and its damn painful but you are behaving like a love sick teenager looking for validation. I am sorry for being harsh with you but what are doing with your children?

In school. I get them to school on autopilot, and as soon as I get home from the school drop off the tears start falling and I end up laying down all day until its time to pick them up. I've stopped feeling hunger, it just isn't coming. I'm trying to nap whilst school is on as I'm not sleeping at night but my brain won't allow me to fall asleep.
It takes every ounce of energy to move my body, this is no exaggeration. Getting out of bed /cooking kids tea etc it is a physical huge effort. I have suffered from depression in he past many years ago and I think his behaviour toward me and his sudden tossing me aside has triggered it again. And the friend texting last night has just added insult to the injury and his 3am text :(

Yes he did profess strong feelings for me, . He said he had strong feelings and cared about me an awful lot. He told me couldn't believe how strongly he felt about me and that he felt so lucky to have met me.
He said he only wanted me and he wanted us to be serious and to go the distance...
So yes he definitely professed strong feelings..:/ which makes it all the more difficult for me.

(Not to mention he had suggested going on holiday together next spring, and said that he had realised from spending time with me that he definitely wanted a future with me where we lived together and had kids)

I'm not really surprised to read your update. Especially as it is getting closer to the one year anniversary coupled with you wanting to move the relationship out of the shadows.

I think you were pretty naive about what people's views of him moving on with 3 months and you being introduced to his child in any capacity already would be.

I understand why he didn't want his family or hers to know, because they would likely judge him, you and realistically he knew deep down that he had no idea if your relationship would last.

If you are distraught as you say, what was your communication with him prior to the messages you received? Like were you texting him alot very emotionally about him wanting to put a pause on things?

If so I can see with drink involved how you might have gotten those type of messages back. People don't always react rationally in highly emotional situations especially when alcohol is involved.

As hurtful as this situation is, honestly get out of bed. Stop wallowing and start focusing on small steps every day to refocus on your child.

His partner literally died, left his child and SD motherless and within 12 weeks he was with you. Someone he was with for 7 years and had a child with.

Do not take time away from your life and child for someone you were in a relationship with for a few months. Get some perspective on what has happened. Take what you have learned from this into your relationship. Which is to slow down.

And do not under any circumstances countine this relationship no matter what he says.

Both of you are a mess emotionally to attempt to build a relationship with bereavement, bio kids, step child and then blending on top of all of that.

What are you doing to help yourself including engaging with mental health workers. You don't have an option of giving up and wallowing. I am sorry for the pain you are going through however again you have shown no insight into how you have contributed including YOUR choice in getting involved with a person who lost his partner 3 months earlier. Please get some help.

@Advice444 you have more than one child?

Your responses are still completely self-obsessed and all about him though, not your kids! Your mindset is completely skewed here. If you didn't have kids I'd say look after yourself and keep yourself busy with friends, work, hobbies. But you do have kids so you need to prioritise them. I don't understand why you aren't focusing more on that than this idea you are love's young dream. You aren't, he lost his long term partner and had a rebound fling. I'm sorry if that is hard to hear but you are only harming your own mental health and that of your children by clinging on to the idea of a future with this man. He is not emotionally available.

And him saying he has "strong feelings" and future faking some abstract holiday plans is different to actually him stating he was in love with you, that he LOVED you, the way you did him, no?! Six months of weekly dates is not the intense, passionate romance you seem to think it is. His heart was never into it I'm afraid.

OP. Take how you feel right now. Broken and distraught after the end of a 6 month relationship.

Now, take how he feels. His partner of 9 (?) years died a few months ago, the mother of his children.

Do you feel in a position right now, with your heartbreak, to make good, healthy decisions for yourself or your children?

No. So WHY would you expect him to?

For everyone's sakes. Yours, his, both your kids, his family, and all the difficult events they have to go through: trick or treating; firework night; first anniversary; christmas. This is raw, painful, devastating. Think how you feel and magnify it for him hundred-fold. He might want many things and nothing at the same time, he is is no position to tell you because he is grieving. He is grieving more than you. So please let that sink in.

This is ridiculous. You were with this person for 6 months and you've been reduced to this? Come on, get a grip! Do you work?

This

Think of your child and not of the man who sadly can't do relationships at the moment

A clean break is needed

You will survive this

Doesn't feel like it at the moment but life will carry on for you and you need it to for your child

Jeez it's only been 9 months.
Stop rushing him. He's trying to be considerate of everyone's feelings.
The poor kids have a lot to deal with.
I remember when my mum passed away when I was 14. My parents were actually in the middle of divorcing. My Dad introduced us to his new girlfriend 7 months later.
But I tell you now it devestated me and my younger brother. We already had so my much to deal with that the feeling that my mother could so easily be replaced really hurt us. Also we looked to Dad as our safe space so having a new woman around meant we could not talk to our Dad about our Mum.

@Advice444

Expressing 'very strong feelings' is not the same as looking someone in the eye and saying with a sincere heart and a rational mind "I love you". But whether he actually said the 'L word' or not, he never loved you. Not in the sense of true and honest love. He may have 'loved' that you provided an outlet for his 'needs' and a shield from his grief, but that is not love. You may have loved him deeply, but he did not return that love in the way you wanted him to. You need to accept that.

And as far as his drunken message, just because he was drunk doesn't mean he didn't mean it. I'm sure he knows he wasn't fair to you so perhaps it took a strong measure of 'courage in a bottle' to tell you the truth.

And as far as his friend, well, if you've been messaging him after he said he no longer wanted to see you perhaps this friend sees the pain your words are (fairly or unfairly) causing him and she wants you to stop. He needs to heal and she probably sees that you are interfering with that.

And well you should stop. BOTH you and he need to heal from what this train wreck of a 'relationship' has resulted in. And if you have suffered depression in the past you need to start seeing a counselor, right away. You are damaging yourself and damaging your children. If you're having to drag yourself out of bed to care for them and spend the rest of the time in tears over this man who never loved you, then don't think for one second that your children aren't picking up your pain. They are feeling and seeing it no matter how hard you try to 'hide' it. Get into counseling. If not for your sake, then for theirs.

And remember, you will never be 'fit' for Mr Right whilst you're tearing yourself to pieces over Mr Wrong.

Can I reply from the child of a widowed woman? I’m 28 now but was 15 when my dad died, my mum started dating again maybe 18 months later. Me and my younger brother who was 12 when our dad died, hated this. Of course we wanted her to be happy but felt like she was forgetting our dad. We didn’t get on with my now step dad at first, and I was very close to moving out to live with my grandparents.
9 months is a very short amount of time for a new person to be coming into a child’s life. He may just be being wary of their feelings, even if he feels the same way about you, his children will always come first. Let him do it at his own pace, and what he thinks is right for them. Xx

I’m going to give this to you abruptly, I’m sorry.

His partner died and he wanted companionship and sex. You were more than willing and honestly, you sound like you have low self esteem and would put up with any treatment from this man.

To all those posters saying he sounds like a wonderful father etc. no he does not. A wonderful father does not start dating 3 months after his partner and mother of his child has died and introduce that person to their 5yo. I don’t give a shit what anyone says, that is selfish, callous and disgusting.

Now he has realised you’re started to get heavy with him and pressuring him to introduce you to his wider family/friends so he’s panicked and dumped you, as that isn’t what he really wants - I’m pretty sure any willing woman would’ve filled the role he needed and unfortunately for you, you were only too ready and available. You say he already knew you from before his wife died so even better for him, he didn’t have to put too much effort in to starting a relationship with you.

Now he’s on a night out with his chums and bitching about you and getting them to text you to “leave poor diddums alone”. Jesus, this guy gives me the ick so bad and I’ve never even met him. He sounds like an absolute tool. And you Op are being utterly ridiculous about a man you’ve been seeing a matter of months and frankly with children of your own should’ve known better. You sound extremely feckless and silly.

Move on and focus on your children - and in future if a man who’s partner has literally just died comes on to you - run a mile.

Yes he did profess strong feelings for me, . He said he had strong feelings and cared about me an awful lot. He told me couldn't believe how strongly he felt about me and that he felt so lucky to have met me.
He said he only wanted me and he wanted us to be serious and to go the distance...
So yes he definitely professed strong feelings..:/ which makes it all the more difficult for me.

(Not to mention he had suggested going on holiday together next spring, and said that he had realised from spending time with me that he definitely wanted a future with me where we lived together and had kids)

He love bombed you that’s all - he said what you wanted to hear so he could get what he wanted from you. The man is a total bellend.

Agree wholeheartedly with this!

OP, forget about the man - he's not into you.

Treat your depression. That's your priority.

I'm sorry but lying in bed all day crying over a breakup is not on. That's not normal. You are absolutely damaging your children.

What do you normally do during the day? Are you calling in sick from work? Not doing any housework? Get a hold of your life. He isn't worth it.

He's a shit father, introducing you to the five year old. He's a shit father dating someone five minutes after the mother of his child died. Bitching about you to his friends and letting them bully you over text is disgusting.

He's no prize. Lift your standards.

Make a GP appointment today

Please get some therapy for yourself and for the good of your children.