Dating a widower

[Advice444]

Hello,
I don't know what I'm hoping to gain out of this. Just looking possibly for some advice. I have been dating a widower for 6 months. His girlfriend died 9 months ago. (Please no judgement on this as I know everyone grieves differently and dates at different points in their journey).

I am in love with this man. I truly am in love with him. However I'm struggling. He has only told his work colleagues and sister about me. He hasn't told his parents or his late girlfriends family. Should they know by now or not ? I've asked him and he won't tell them yet, says it's too soon.
He will also not tell his reception age son that we are dating (although I have met his son on many occasions in the house and chatted/played with him and we get on well.) He will not tell his 10 year old stepdaughter (late girlfriends child from previous relationship) about us at all and I can't spend time with them if she is there. I've asked him his though on telliNG her ans again it's a no she isn't ready yet.

Any advice or thoughts or help?

I'm head over heels for this man, so I don't want to leave. I've caught major feelings so it's too late for that. I really do love him. But any advice or perspective would be good. Found myself in tears earlier about it all.
Advice from widowers would be extra appreciated!

That’s very soon to be telling people. He needs to be absolutely sure of his feelings and is also, I think, being considerate of others’ feelings.

Tbh, if his girlfriend died so recently, he got into another relationship surprisingly quickly. 3 months, is that correct?

Family and friends may be hurt/shocked by this. You asked for no judgement but honestly, I would. That’s really quick. Even rebound, I’d suggest.

If a man wants you to 'wait'... don't. It will never come . You may love this man but he doesnt fully love you im afraid OP. Call his bluff....agree that you shouldn't see each other. Please dont wait.

@Advice444

So he has done what we all said he was going to do. And although you don't believe it now, it was the right thing for both of you.

Yes, I still believe he did not do this purposefully to hurt or 'use' you for his own enjoyment. He did it out of grief and fear. You were a rock in a stormy sea that he clung to during a storm. Now the storm is starting to abate and he has let go and is swimming to safety. And he will not return. You are now a reminder to him of his weakness and his 'betrayal' of the love he felt for his late partner. When he is truly ready for a relationship, he will look for someone fresh and new with no reminder of his 'weakness' and the time he was steeped in grief.

I understand that you are hurt, but you have got to stop this. You are wallowing in 'grief' over a man who is not worthy of your emotions. You have children who need you and you are not making them your priority. You are failing your children. I'm sorry to be harsh, but sometimes the truth is harsh.

Your next move should be to block him on all platforms and access counseling. If you don't do this it says that you are actually 'feeding off' your heartbreak in some way. Just as someone who has been burnt doesn't keep sticking their hand back in the fire, you need to move right away from the source of your pain.

This

What @AcrossthePond55 said is such good and wise advice (and take it from me, she is both).

OP, I am sorry you feel like this but I'm going to be firm in what I say. I know about heartbreak, it took me years to recover from my husband walking out of our 15 year marriage and leaving me and our 2 year old with nothing (ND child too). He and OW then spent years making my life an absolute misery in every way they could. I was so utterly broken I can't quite explain. However, I had no choice but to carry on looking after my 2 year old and my teen who was struggling with an eating disorder. As a parent, you just get on regardless.

I understand you are hurt, I understand that you invested in this relationship but it was 9 months. He's barely widowed. I don't know why you ever thought this would work out. It was never ever going to work out. You do not have the luxury of laying in bed crying. You have to be a Mum to your child. I am hoping that your child is with their father this weekend at the least to allow you this indulgence, otherwise you need a kick up the ass to get up and sort yourself out!

I think that you also need to reassess your friendship with this person who piled on the pressure because without that, you might have taken a step back and worked through it yourself. There is no way that your intensity was not noticed by him. It's going to be a long time before he's ready for that. He may never be ready. His circumstances are complicated as it is.

You have to put this behind you. You have to block, cut off, do whatever you need and find a way to move forward. He was not the man for you but there will be somebody out there somewhere. I do feel cross with him that he's led you down this path. He shouldn't have done. He should never have entered into a relationship so soon. I hope your "friend" apologises to you too and is as quick with support as she was with ear worm. So pull yourself together and concentrate on being a Mum. The rest will follow. Good luck

He said he wants a break and to try again when he's better. He's been saying that all week. That's been painful ending to deal with but I have been dealing with it. But then last night he said he doesn't think he will be able to do it.
He will probably say something else today. Can't tell if he is giving me false hope or not as he's changing the narrative every da

@Advice444 as others have said for your own sanity you need to step away.

I think what you have posted about his behaviour he wants a break/try again later/doesn't think he can do it - fits exactly with what many of us said here. Fresh bereavement is a bad bad time.

He knows that his heart 'isn't in it' with you which is why he wants a break. To be fair to him, this is a good sign and at least a vague show that he's trying to do the right thing. him then flip flopping fits with the rawness of grief you cling to anything that's in your way to get you through the day. a new relationships is like a sticking plaster on a deep wound. It may stop the bleeding temporarily but it won't heal it. It will feel good short term but one day the bereaved realise the sticking plaster isn't what is needed, it needs to be ripped off and go in the bin and begin the process of stitching the wound and recovery.

you know it's not right and hoping it will turn out ok is a route to more pain. remember one day when you meet someone who is a better fit for you, you'll look back at this and thank god he ended it so you can meet Mr Much Better.

I feel cross with him too. I appreciate he has suffered but I can't help feeling that he put himself first and saw OP as a source of comfort and support which I am sure she was. Then it all got too much in terms of emotional commitment. I am very sorry OP, you may not see this now, but you deserve more.

I feel cross with him too. I appreciate he has suffered but I can't help feeling that he put himself first and saw OP as a source of comfort and support which I am sure she was. Then it all got too much in terms of emotional commitment. I am very sorry OP, you may not see this now, but you deserve more.

I think this is what probably happened.

Whether he realised he was doing it is 🤷‍♀️ ? He appears to be putting the children first at this point.

From my experience, I didn't always behave well in the early days of widowhood. I look back and it's another thing that heaps onto the emotion of those days. And I had been putting everyone first during my OH terminal illness. I wonder if people were cross with me?

You don't really get a manual when dealing with afterwards.

💐

No, you certainly don't get a manual. That's why earlier in this thread I said I think I'd feel more pity for this man than anger. He's not a 'toxic user', he's someone whose mental processes were/are mired in grief. He made a bad decision in his grief and unfortunately OP was caught up in the fantasies he wove about his future in order to block out the reality of 'now'. Now he's starting to come back down to earth and is beginning to find his 'new life/new self' and he doesn't need her as a 'grief-shield' anymore. It's a shame, but there it is. IMHO anger isn't going to serve OP much of a purpose in this situation. It has it's place in certain breakups, but I think not in this one.

As far as people being 'cross' with you in the early days remember that those who truly love you will understand. As the old saying goes "Them that mind don't matter and them that matter don't mind".

Fallen further into depression . Still not eating meals, headaches ans body aches, and tears. Feel unable to get out of bed.

I've received a very bitchy text with swearing from his friend telling me that he isn't interested in me and to leave him alone.

He text me afterwards to apologise for her sending that and told me he still wants the break (with the intention of resuming dating afterwards). I asked him to ask her to stop texting me.

She then text me again telling me if I had a problem with her I could say it to her face. She then said I was desperate. And said she could see I was messaging him whilst she was messaging me and that it was pathetic and embarrassing (they were all on a night out ).

He apologised again.
He then text me 3am telling me 'this isn't working out for me. I'm done.'

I'm heartbroken on top of being heartbroken.

He asked for a BBreak yesterday morning but then sent that text 3am :( (although he was very drunk).

And I feel hugely hurt and embarrassed that his friend was texting me bitchy texts, and I feel mortified that they were all sitting around together taking the piss out of me :(

I'm heartbroken as to why he has done this to me.

I'm really sorry to hear this op.

I know heartbreak is the worst, but you have to get it together for your child.

My ex husband had an affair out of the blue after 13 years married (almost 20 together) and two kids. I know heartbreak so I say this with empathy.

He really isn't worth this. He got into a new relationship too soon and hasn't go the balls to admit it, apologise and let you go kindly.

Fake it till you make it if you have to and go to the gp if you need medication but you are a mum before anything else.

You are stronger than you think and you will recover from this.

Ok so he’s made himself pretty clear now and I think for the sake of your mental health you need to block, delete and move on. Speaking from experience you will take a lot longer to get over this while you are in contact with him. If he wanted to be with you, then he would, I don’t mean that to sound nasty I’m just trying to make you see that this guy isn’t the one. It doesn’t matter if he was drunk or sober when he sent that, he’s going to continue to mindfuck you because he’s grieving and confused. No relationship he has right now will work out.

Put yourself and your children first and get yourself feeling back to you again, everything I’ve read on here from you just screams codependency and you need to find who you are again without this person in your life.

I think we can all read between the lines and see he isn’t ready for a relationship so soon after his partner died and unfortunately you’ve been the person who has been hurt in this. That’s not your fault, but you are the only person who can control what happens next. Pull yourself up and move on from this guy who cant commit to you, there are plenty of guys out there who can and will once you’re ready.

The friend is totally out of order.

Back off now. Block him. Focus on healing.

Lordy - widow or not - is this someone you want to be involved with? Why is his friend messaging you? she sounds unhinged. you dont want these kind of people in your life mate.

he sounds like a class A bell end - and whilst I am sure he is in grief - throw it back.

you can do better. His journey is a good few years. Dont waste your time.

I wonder what his dynamic with the friend is. That seems very territorial. BUT it doesn't matter. Time to block,. get to the GP for support and move on. You don't deserve this and he clearly isn't the man you thought.

Jesus Christ, you need to block these people now and have no further contact. They are not people you want to be involved with. He's being very unpleasant now and the friend, well I have no words. What a nasty thing to do.

Who is looking after your children while you're in bed? It's half term (at least it is here). You've got to pull yourself together and get on. I worry you are neglecting them here. I couldn't stay in bed even when I had cancer, you have to get on with it as a single parent.

Please see your GP!!

Right OP. Time to block and get out of bed and put your kids first. This relationship is not going to work. It never was. It doesn't matter why, you have already wasted enough time on this man. You have to force yourself to put him out of your mind and get on with your life – your kids need you. Believe me, I know how tough that is – when DH died all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and stay there – but when you're a parent you simply don't have that option, you just have to get on with it.

Agreed. I do feel this is a massive overreaction to a 9 month relationship where they hardly saw eachother anyway. It's not healthy.

Block the lot of them and look after yourself and your family.

Take a break from social media and concentrate on the truly important things.

I've never experienced being messaged by a friend before. It feels so nasty and mortifying.

I don't understand why you are saying it is a massive overaction to a 6 month relationship when you just said thus above 'They are not people you want to be involved with. He's being very unpleasant now and the friend, well I have no words. What a nasty thing to do.' ??

I am unsure where you got the impression we 'hardly see each other ' we saw each other very regularly for 6 months and were in constant contact on the phone when we didn't see each other...
I loved him deeply. We were very very close. We got close very very quick. He told me i was his favourite person..and he couldn't believe how much he had fallen for me.
6 months doesn't detract from how much I loved and cared for him. And 6 months doesn't stop it being incredibly painful. It's more painful than breakups of longer relationships I've had..

As I said I've never experienced beig messaged before but it stings ! I try my hardest to be as kind and caring to others as possible but I'm heartbroken. This has absolutely floored me. You are right, I don't deserve this. I know I don't. I don't know why she would do that to me, and I don't know why he would be so cowardly to allow her. And then for him to send me that 3am text message, so cold and unfeeling :(
I'm heartbroken.

I am sorry, but you need to understand that he was never in the right place for a relationship and I think that is obvious. He future faked with you, and won't be in the position to be what you need for some time yet. It doesn't matter why/what he said - because it wasn't going to be possible.

His friend messaging you is strange but I would say that it appears he has felt under pressure, he has said things to keep you there, but perhaps at 3am realised he wasn't being fair because he just isn't in the right place at the moment to give you what you want.

As others have said, heartbreak is horrible, let yourself feel sad but please try to step outside of your feelings and see the situation for what it is. You have a child/children that need you.

I do not know why she messaged me. But I agree its very bizarre and she does sound unhinged yes.

She isn't the sort of person I would bother with as I am reserved and quiet and she is clearly very confident and bold to message me like that.

I have to agree with you . Whilst I do love him immensely I'm really appalled and shocked by his behaviour. I can't help but agree with you in your words that it is 'class A bell end ' behaviour. It's cowardly, hurtful, immensely immature and just beyond nasty. And like you said widowed or not there is no need for him to hurt me or allow her too. I'm really disappointed in him.
I'm just heartbroken the man I love is now acting this way.

I really really do not want the last message he ever sends me to be that cold unfeeling message he has sent pissed out of his mind at 3am , (after a very close and intense 6 months ) completely devoid of any emotion or apology.