Dating a widower

[Advice444]

Hello,
I don't know what I'm hoping to gain out of this. Just looking possibly for some advice. I have been dating a widower for 6 months. His girlfriend died 9 months ago. (Please no judgement on this as I know everyone grieves differently and dates at different points in their journey).

I am in love with this man. I truly am in love with him. However I'm struggling. He has only told his work colleagues and sister about me. He hasn't told his parents or his late girlfriends family. Should they know by now or not ? I've asked him and he won't tell them yet, says it's too soon.
He will also not tell his reception age son that we are dating (although I have met his son on many occasions in the house and chatted/played with him and we get on well.) He will not tell his 10 year old stepdaughter (late girlfriends child from previous relationship) about us at all and I can't spend time with them if she is there. I've asked him his though on telliNG her ans again it's a no she isn't ready yet.

Any advice or thoughts or help?

I'm head over heels for this man, so I don't want to leave. I've caught major feelings so it's too late for that. I really do love him. But any advice or perspective would be good. Found myself in tears earlier about it all.
Advice from widowers would be extra appreciated!

Tbh after today I think everyone is right and that's he's just using me

Does it matter why he’s doing whatever it is he’s doing? What you want and what he wants are misaligned. This relationship isn’t working for you, so move on.

@WtP @erroratthechargingstation great, insightful and helpful posts for the OP.

I have also been there with a widower and his DD albeit they were separated before I met. It was a very stressful experience for all concerned, we are all human, and we all have needs, we have to respect them.

I'm sorry that happened to your friend :( I hope she's okay ? What excuse did he give her? And did they maintain contact? I worry a lot about that happening !##

this is a while ago but if I remember correctly I think it was some sort of general waffle along the lines of I thought I was ready but I realise I'm not/its not me its you sort of guff.

I think to be fair to him he did have a short 'break' from dating so I don't think there was direct overlap but he did start seeing someone else a few months later.

I've been bereaved and if it is an emotional and unexpected bereavement (spouse/child/parent) I do think there can be an element of the horror and rawness of your grief means you aren't in your right mind. You do stuff you would never otherwise do. When you start to recover your self and become calmer (still grieving but calmer), you want to block out the horror of that first period of grieving. It's a nasty nasty time - you are in shock, facing something horrific and enormous (youll never see them again) and its a really rough ride. Like I said, it is possible that once you recover you just don't want anyone around who reminds you of the worst of it or people who saw you in your deepest grief (excluding very longstanding close friends or family).

Hugs to @Advice444 because being the one who cares more in any relationship is never fun. Life normally turns out ok though. if he's not the right one for you, its because someone better is waiting round the corner.

Why have you now come to that conclusion

Quite possibly. But I think you need to realize there is 'using' and there is 'using'.

Some people 'use' on purpose for self-serving reasons; a 'meal ticket', sex, ego, or to have a victim for their abuse. Some people 'use' for other reasons, reasons they might not even understand themselves; grief, fear, or desperation not to be alone. Whilst it's all based on selfish thinking, you need to see their motivation clearly. The former are mean and nasty users. The latter are misguided and possibly self-deluded.

It doesn't mean you should stay and it doesn't excuse them. But there can be an inner peace in leaving a relationship when you accept that the person isn't right for you, no matter the reason.

I guess I'm saying that you needn't make yourself hate this man, nor think he's 'bad' nor necessarily purposefully using you. Just accept that he is in a bad place and making bad decisions and you were unfortunate to get caught up in his grief.

Let him go, wish him well, and move on.

He's saying )after not seeing each over for over 3 weeks)now that he doesn't have the energy to see me as he is always behind on laundry/chores /shopping etc.
It feels insulting.

If he was using you he’d be asking you to help.

he’s being honest with you that he doesn’t have time for the kind of relationship you want and have been having so far

Listen to what he’s saying and do the best thing for all of you

It wouldn't feel so insulting if (after seeing each other for over 6 months) he was consistent. But as mentioned he is going away for a 2 day concert festival thing next week and suddenly he will be full of energy for that. But not to see the woman he proclaims to have strong feelings for for a quick coffee.

As a person widowed a few months before he was I can relate to that, I completely relate to that.

I'd rather someone outright tell me they don't want to be with me rather than state they don't have the energy to meet up (yet openly have the energy for concerts/football matches /parties etc). It's a lie and it's hhurtful. Clearly I've been used and am not important to him despite what he says /has said.

You have three choices.

You plod on and accept it as it is,

You accept where he’s at, and that it’s not for you, and walk away undramatically.

Or you can wind yourself up and up and turn it into a more painful saga for you all with the same ultimate outcome, but with an extra dose of hate.

You won’t feel any better with the hate addition

So basically you’re now going to use the thread to wind yourself up into a state until you have people hating him.

good luck with that

Wow harsh. I don't think OP is being selfish at all. She is just trying to work out her feelings which is justified and allowed. She hasn't been through thus before. Be kinder.

Stop playing the victim

He is telling you. Perhaps he's picked up on all your intense vibes.

He just can't give you the relationship you want

Stop being so passive. If you don't like it, leave. You're not helpless here. Start being an adult and stop playing for sympathy.

OP I think it might be useful to try and stop tying yourself in knots to understand his mind set. Be guided by his actions. Decide what is a deal breaker and stick to your boundaries.
I mentioned this thread to my DP earlier. We had never discussed this before but I'm afraid he did say that the first thing he did after his wife died was to seek company (sex) with someone else. He said that there was never any talk of feelings or future (a couple of ONS) but the reality of loneliness and being alone was too much to bear.
So it very much is a thing and I'm afraid it does look like he may have jumped head first into your relationship to block out the grief. My DP after a couple months of months did not see another woman romantically or sexually for about six years and just focussed on raiding the children and a building a life without his wife.

*raising

It's pretty apparent that he's trying to back away from the relationship and I suppose that he just doesn't know how to actually say the words. So you tell him! Tell him you've given it thought and have that YOU have decided that things aren't working for YOU anymore. Because they aren't! Take control of your life and end it. But end it with dignity and calmness. Not with anger and harsh words.

Please read my post above. You don't need to get indignant or work yourself up into a lather. He made a mistake in getting involved and you got caught in the fallout. But that mistake was based on grief and loneliness. You should feel sorry for him, not be angry at him.

We are at the devaluing stage of the cycle. OP begins by idealizing the bf and the relationship, it is unique! Intense! Meaningful! None of us can understand its purity and authenticity, its magical rightness. Its OP and her man against the world!

After defending the relationship here and attacking posters who were skeptical of its appropriateness, timing, significance, or permanence she is turning on a dime and seeing her wonderful lover as a “liar” who only “used her” and who “can’t be honest” with her. His intentions must always have been bad and he is “lying” now rather than politely discouraging her from overcommitting.

Those of us who read the thread can notice the pattern. OP believes what she wants to believe and receives information from the world, her friend, or posters only if she wants to receive that information. People are all good or all bad. posters are on her side or against her. The bf is perfect or a monster.
This is very childish black and white thinking.

Its rigid and solipsistic and OP gets hurt because of it. I’m sorry for her.

I'd rather someone outright tell me they don't want to be with me rather than state they don't have the energy to meet up (yet openly have the energy for concerts/football matches /parties etc). It's a lie and it's hhurtful. Clearly I've been used and am not important to him despite what he says /has said.

Telling you outright if he didn't want to be with you would require this man to be clear headed, clear thinking and know what he wanted. I don't think your Dp is really cable of being like this .

I'm basing this on how I felt 9 months in, the best and most accurate description was 'your head is in a shredder'.

I'm pretty sure he feels like life is chaos. I still do. My energy comes and goes. I get exhausted easily. Being bereaved is exhausting.

I'm guessing there is a lot of emotional energy around seeing you, that isn't required of him at the football, concerts, parties etc And that's not directed at you specifically, but a romantic relationship requires emotional energy.

It's hard on you OP. But the cruel thing is that it will always be harder on him and the children and so your feelings must always come 2nd. And that's rough.

Remember you also have a choice in all this.

This thread is horrible on so many levels. In responding to the OP whilst clearly not liking some of the things she has said, some people are making some pretty big assumptions about the bereaved dating, when is too soon, judging their motives and implying how they are feeling. Lots of people go on to have happy lives and relationships after being widowed and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, my grandparents included. I hope no one embarking on a new relationship, from either side, stumbles on this thread I really don’t

Why would he lie?

Men lie a lot if you haven't noticed.

Are you around the same age or younger?

He's saying one thing but his actions are different. He doesn't want to see you as much and hasn't told many people about you. He pretends to not know you when are together in public.

His actions say you're just someone for comfort and some regular sex.

He knows you're very keen and says the things you want to hear.

You've only dated him 6 months. You don't even really know him very well.

Sorry it's not want you want to hear but he seems to be backing off now.

I can fully emphasise him having low energy etc. When we first started dating all those months ago I researched dating and bereavement and fatigue did come up. So we saw each other once a week (mutually agreed) and I never asked to see him any more often that that as I knew he'd be tired and would need space etc. I suppose I'm confused why for over 6 months once a week has been fine but now it's suddenly not. And if it's not why wouldn't he suggest changing it to once a fortnight etc instead if he's tired ? I'd have no problem with that at all.

Also when you say it would require him to be 'clear headed ...and know what he wanted ' what does this mean ? Does this mean he may actually still genuinely want me ? Or not ? We are so close and we've hit it off since day one. There's always been something special between us. Xx

This isn't meant to come across harshly towards yourself , but it's easy to say I should feel sorry for him and not angry towards him when I'm the one going to be utterly heartbroken . And I mean heartbroken!

Thankyou foe the perspective. I suppose yojr partner did the right thing in not proclaiming to have feelings or care about that person though and not making plans for the future wjth them. That leaves me with only two schools of thought- either my man has lied which is cruel and heartbreaking, or he means what he's said but is having a funny time of showing it. I've consistently said through this thread that we are very close and have a very good bond. I've always believed him up until very recently. And I do love him. So I can't understand why unlike your partner mine would discuss feelings and a future ! Xx

One thing I definitely won't be doing either way is having any intimacy with him . If we meet I won't be staying over. X