Dating a widower

[Advice444]

Hello,
I don't know what I'm hoping to gain out of this. Just looking possibly for some advice. I have been dating a widower for 6 months. His girlfriend died 9 months ago. (Please no judgement on this as I know everyone grieves differently and dates at different points in their journey).

I am in love with this man. I truly am in love with him. However I'm struggling. He has only told his work colleagues and sister about me. He hasn't told his parents or his late girlfriends family. Should they know by now or not ? I've asked him and he won't tell them yet, says it's too soon.
He will also not tell his reception age son that we are dating (although I have met his son on many occasions in the house and chatted/played with him and we get on well.) He will not tell his 10 year old stepdaughter (late girlfriends child from previous relationship) about us at all and I can't spend time with them if she is there. I've asked him his though on telliNG her ans again it's a no she isn't ready yet.

Any advice or thoughts or help?

I'm head over heels for this man, so I don't want to leave. I've caught major feelings so it's too late for that. I really do love him. But any advice or perspective would be good. Found myself in tears earlier about it all.
Advice from widowers would be extra appreciated!

I can feel that you're heartbroken in your posts. Do you think it might be worth taking a step back and maybe sitting down some time in the future to discuss things.
I'm not trying to be an expert here but I believe his feelings at the time when he's with you are true. At that moment in time you're exactly what he wants. Then he has his children and realises that's what he needs to do.
Then he gets together with friends who maybe knew his late partner so it seems a comforting place to be.
His emotions will be all over the place. I still see it with my DP at time. And that is over 15 years ago. Take care x

Thankyou very much for being kind. Xx

Also would like to add. My DP is not the poster child for a widower dating. We have had horrific times. He has been unreasonable, stubborn and dismissive of my feelings. Honestly I don't know how we made it through the first year. It was truly awful and like you frequently wondered if it was worth it. I don't know why we stuck it out and I don't know how we have managed to navigate it. It's not perfect and some things still trigger him and sometimes I'm less than generous (internally) with his grief.

Best thing to do is step back and leave him alone, this is too complicated too early. All of them are experiencing grief in different ways and it's too early to introduce you. That's why he's hesitating because deep down he knows the timing is bad. His main priority now is his children so that's what he needs to focus on now.

You take time to heal but you need to understand that if you're seeing another man with kids, don't expect pizza nights 3 months in. It's too early to be introduced a few months in, one Yr to 18 months is a good time frame. If the relationship doesn't last then there's no need to unsettle the children.

Thats absolutely fine , as I said I came on this thread for advice re whether or not I should be introduced to the stepdaughter or not and the majority have said no so that's fine :) i know its the norm now so that's fine.I have no problem not being introduced to the stepdaughter yet :)

He has already introduced me to the little boy. We've had dinner with the little boy and taken him out. He's also asked me to stay overnight when the little boy has been there too.

Again thankyou for such a kind post. I feel you understand how I feel. I hope you are right in that I am what he wants when he's with me. I hope it all works out wirh us. I really do. It would destroy me to walk away . I don't want to lose him from my life. Widower or not , I really do love and care for him. Haven't felt this way about someone in years despite the difficulties xx

Again thankyou so much for this. . This makes me feel less alone. Does it get easier after the first year ? Also if you're comfortable would you mind expanding upon what made it 'truly awful' and a 'horrific time' ?
Ultimately luckily you guys got through it so how did you make it work ? Xx

OP. He. Is. Not. Ready.

He hasn’t necessarily lied to you, but in those moments where he promised you a future and babies and everlasting love, he was still in a state of complete shock and devastation where all you want is to go back to your old life and if there’s someone who looks like they might help you recreate a facsimile of it, you grab onto it with both hands. I’m sure he meant it all at the time, but it wasn’t real. His head was utterly fucked. Early grief is the closest thing to madness I’ve ever experienced. He was mad, and nothing he said or did at that time can be trusted to have been based in reality.

Now he’s further on, the shock is wearing off and reality is setting in. And he is backing off from you. Whether that’s because he no longer feels the same way about you (which happens! Just because he doesn’t feel something now that he did then doesn’t make him a liar, that’s just how romantic relationships go sometimes!), or because he realises he needs more time alone to grieve and raise his children we can’t know, but either way, he is clearly backing off. The inevitable conclusion is that this relationship is not going to be what you want. Either it will end, or it will continue like this for a while, you always waiting around for the odd crumbs of affection he is able to give you. It’s not worth it.

I don't mind sharing at all. I naively believed that I was meeting a man that had dealt with his grief and had decided to move on and find someone to share his life with. The reality of his feelings though was he was lonely and couldn't envisage being single for the rest of his life. Those are two very separate places to be in your life. I truly believe he thought he had processed his grief. But the reality was this new relationship brought up everything he no longer had with his wife and guilt for enjoying us as a couple. I was introduced to the children far too soon but then we eased back on doing things together. They knew if dad wasn't there he was with me and they then still had time with their dad. One of the children really suffered with guilt about liking me and felt she was betraying her mum and that was the most difficult time. Of course I understood the behaviour but it didn't make it easier to deal with. That was the point we were seriously considering going our separate ways. It was no life for any of us. I don't know how it changed. It just did. But I sacrificed a huge amount of myself during those years to be everything to everyone. My DP didn't see it at the time but now the children are nearly all adults and we have an unbelievable bond. They love me as a parent but not as a mum he sees the sacrifices I made and has acknowledged everything I did and that counts for a lot. He still grieves. I think I mentioned previously sometimes I am less than understanding (internally) but I don't tie myself in knots trying to equate whether his continued love for her means less love for me (I feel stupid writing that down). Nothing is a competition anymore which makes things easier for me.

Also when you say it would require him to be 'clear headed ...and know what he wanted ' what does this mean ? Does this mean he may actually still genuinely want me ? Or not ? We are so close and we've hit it off since day one. There's always been something special between us. Xx

I think @erroratthechargingstation explains it well.

I don't think this man doesn't have feelings for you. Or that you haven't hit it off and formed a close bond.

But he has so much else to deal with. Pain, loss, guilt, trying to navigate a new normal and not least his children. It's a massive massive thing to bring another unrelated human into this and give them what they need.

I don't think right here, right now he can do that. Wanting someone is different from being able to maintain a relationship with someone.

I can't speak for his feelings but it seems like wrong place, wrong time.

Just on the "stepdaughter" issue. I agree not to worry about meeting her. It isn't even technically his DSC as they weren't married. That is not to minimise her importance to him BTW. I'm sure they have a great relationship. Not being dunny, but she just lost her mum and let's be honest it's an awkward difficult convo to have. In the grand scheme of things it isn't even really his child - again I'm not saying she isn't important to him - it's just navigating things like this can be tricky.

I think you've met the main people and that's really important.

However, it may be a good idea to just step back slightly and not invest so much. Just do your own thing a bit more and work on your own family and hang out with friends etc.

Sorry forgot to say the birthday thing is bang out of order and would be a dump able offence to me. But that's me

Again thankyou so much for this. . This makes me feel less alone. Does it get easier after the first year ? Also if you're comfortable would you mind expanding upon what made it 'truly awful' and a 'horrific time' ?
Ultimately luckily you guys got through it so how did you make it work ? Xx

Just stop. Stop pouncing on any hint of positivity from widows it those who have dated widowers that you can somehow twist into your own situation. Your desperation is palpable on here to the point I don't see how you can possibly not keep it from this man. He is backing away from you at speed now. Let him. Let him heal. Let his children heal. Or at least start to do so and get to a point where their grief isn't so raw.
You say you are not being selfish and are considering the children involved but that doesn't come across in your posts. It's all about you and how you can possibly make this work even though it is clear to anyone reading that this man is not ready and is clearly communicating that to you with his actions. You're not listening.

Think of the time and energy you'd have for your own child if you weren't spending all your time and energy on this man and trying to figure him and the situation out. Your child needs you. This man and his children do not.

Being utterly heartbroken happens when your loved one dies, @Advice444

he’s the heartbroken one

sounds like he needed distracting and now he’s coming out of that and realising he’s not ready / doesn’t want a relationship with you

Believe me, I understand heartbreak. And anger. And I'm not denying your heartbreak. It hurts like hell and takes its own sweet time in healing. But heal it will. And it will heal faster without anger because anger feeds on the pain to keep itself 'alive'. And that pain will keep renewing itself through the anger. It's a vicious cycle. I'm not saying that anger doesn't have a 'place' in breakups. It does. But I feel that in this situation this man acted out of desperation and grief rather than malice and a 'joy' in being a user (like an abuser).

It's best if one can feel indifference, and that will come eventually. It's much easier to find that indifference from pity than it is from anger. It's also much easier to maintain one's dignity with pity than with anger.

But the bottom line is that I don't have a right to tell you how to feel. I'm just suggesting that there may be an easier way to heal. But as a character in 'Tootsie' said "Don't tell me how to feel. I'm gonna feel this way until I don't feel this way anymore". Just don't lose yourself in your anger.

I'd rather someone outright tell me they don't want to be with me rather than state they don't have the energy to meet up (yet openly have the energy for concerts/football matches /parties etc). It's a lie and it's hhurtful. Clearly I've been used and am not important to him despite what he says /has said.

@Advice444 please stop turning this on yourself. I know what you mean because I've done this in dating. He doesn't want to see me/ if I meant more to him he would/he's used me/what's wrong with me/why can't he see how great I am.

You are in a difficult situation because you were dating from the start someone who had lost his wife. I said above grief/bereavement following the death of someone significant (spouse,child, parent) is like having a bomb thrown into your life. If you've not experienced it, you think you understand it (I know I thought I understood how terrible it was) but you really don't. It's like you aren't in your right mind so you do things to get you through the day. There is that famous description from Reddit originally I think about how its like a ship wreck and at first you cling to any bit of floating wreckage that will keep your head above water. The "floating wreckage" you cling to can be anything really - another family member in the same position, a pet, obsessively watching their favorite tv series but it could include a new partner.

I doubt very much this is conscious malicious using of you in the way you are turning it now. It's much more likely to be something he was unaware of - in the moment felt he really liked you - probably still does - but the timing is so off that the odds of it being curable are low.

It's always shitty if you are in an 'unrequited love' situation or you are the one who cares more but it probably means you aren't right for each other.

I heard a lovely phrase the other day which was it will all turn out alright in the end and if it's not alright it's not the end. I'm sure you will meet someone else you like even more but also likes you back and is emotionally available.

In essence the issue of being a widower is a red herring. This is a man who isn't emotionally available. Many of us will have encountered men like this. They will say that they can't give us the things in a relationship that we need or want but what they really mean is they can't give us the commitment we deserve.

in my opinion 6 months is far too soon for him to be telling his family/children and his in laws about you. He’s clearly still grieving for someone who he has build a life with and had children with. Personally I think it’s probably all too soon for him anyway but his children do not need to be unsettled any further. It sounds like he is doing his best to protect everyone, I would imagine he would also feel great shame at telling his in laws that he has been seeing someone when their daughter only died 9 months ago. I would also think that the fact he is backing off from you is very indicative of how he is feeling and you probably should do the same. If your meant to be together then give him time to process his feelings, give his children and his family time to get over their grief and don’t pressure him. It’s great that you get on with his son but I think the 10 year old step daughter will be heartbroken again to learn that he is dating, it could well ruin his relationship with her entirely, she will probably be very angry and confused - he’s working hard to maintain a relationship with her and provide her with stability, don’t rock that. You say his partner died of cancer so even prior to her death as a family they would of gone through hell. I’ve no idea what would of driven him to date so soon but one thing is for sure emotionally/mentally he won’t of been ready for it, feeling close to someone else may of helped him deal with his loneliness etc. the fact he still has her face as his screensaver and wears her ring around his neck (we’re they engaged?) means his heart is still hers, you must be able to see that this is just not a good situation for anyone to be in. I think for the sake of your own happiness you should walk away, you may never get to the level where it’s your face on his phone. I know if I lost my husband (who is the father of my children, my absolute world) no one would ever come close again. I do really feel for you it must be very difficult for you but this is not a man who is truly emotionally available, perhaps she was the love of his life? He’s doing what he needs to do though and is protecting their children and putting their needs first. For your own well-being back off, he’s saying he needs to see you less so do just that. If he does really want a life/children in the future then he’ll come back but just let him heal, he’s probably very confused by his feelings right now.

Just thought I should conclude this thread. I have been in bed all week with depression, lost half a stone and cannot stop crying. I love him but I cannot be with him at present. I have a truly broken heart and have plunged into depression hence my absence.i am in bed crying now.
But wanted to thank everyone who had been kind and helpful

What happened, OP? Did you end things? I’m sorry you’re feeling so miserable.

It's really complicated. He said he wants a break and to try again when he's better. He's been saying that all week. That's been painful ending to deal with but I have been dealing with it.
But then last night he said he doesn't think he will be able to do it.
He will probably say something else today. Can't tell if he is giving me false hope or not as he's changing the narrative every day. As preciously said I'm totally in love with him and have plunged into depression. I'm heartbroken

It sounds very hard OP.

But a relationship with a man that leaves you so upset and in bed crying for a week when you have a child, is not right for you.

Whether you are being played or not, this is certainly not in your childs best interests to have their mother so distressed.

I understand it must be very hard but I would start thinking about your child and the affect this must be having on them.

How confusing it must be for them.

I know and I am consumed with guilt. I've managed to get them to and from school all week and I think because today is Saturday my body has just crashed and I can't get up.

OP, I am sorry for you, but for your own sanity and self protection, you need to step away from him now. You make the decision so that he stops messing you around. He is vulnerable, but so are you now.

See your doctor and see if you can get some counselling so that you can work your way through this.

Don't sit around waiting for him to decide what you want, as it could be months and even then, hard as it is, it could be somebody else that he moves on with.

You need to protect yourself now, and also be able to be there for your child.

Really really sorry you're where you are OP. Really sorry that I feel like it was incoming.

His head is mashed, he doesn't know which way is up. You know that. And everyone has pointed that out.

Because you are so in love with him you are letting yourself just sit on the receiving end of all this. This is terrible for you and for your child.

You need to make some choices YOURSELF. However much you feel for him as it stands IT ISNOT WORKING.

Take a break from him. Put your child first.