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Original poster

Dating a widower

528 replies

Advice444 · 28/09/2023 12:51

Hello,
I don't know what I'm hoping to gain out of this. Just looking possibly for some advice. I have been dating a widower for 6 months. His girlfriend died 9 months ago. (Please no judgement on this as I know everyone grieves differently and dates at different points in their journey).

I am in love with this man. I truly am in love with him. However I'm struggling. He has only told his work colleagues and sister about me. He hasn't told his parents or his late girlfriends family. Should they know by now or not ? I've asked him and he won't tell them yet, says it's too soon.
He will also not tell his reception age son that we are dating (although I have met his son on many occasions in the house and chatted/played with him and we get on well.) He will not tell his 10 year old stepdaughter (late girlfriends child from previous relationship) about us at all and I can't spend time with them if she is there. I've asked him his though on telliNG her ans again it's a no she isn't ready yet.

Any advice or thoughts or help?

I'm head over heels for this man, so I don't want to leave. I've caught major feelings so it's too late for that. I really do love him. But any advice or perspective would be good. Found myself in tears earlier about it all.
Advice from widowers would be extra appreciated!

OP posts:
DrowsyDragon · 28/09/2023 12:59

I'm a widow. My husband was an alcoholic and our marriage was pretty much over a year before his death, plus we were living apart. I have two young children, one pre primary, one in primary and I've just started seeing someone who is also an old old friend. There's no way in hell I'd be telling my in laws at six months in. I might just be thinking about introducing him to my children. I've also told friends but not my parents. He's not being unreasonable at all. You are being selfish. His in laws and step daughter are still in the first throes of their grief, why on earth would they need to know about you? He's told his colleagues and his sister, you've met his son, for goodness sake, give them all time.

Original poster
Advice444 · 28/09/2023 13:08

Thankyou for replying. I have been feeling extremely anxious as a friend of mine said that he ought to have told his late girlfriends family out of respect for them in case they saw myself and him out at a restaurant etc. She said it was more hurtful and shocking for them to find out by accident or bumping into us than him telling them himself. That is her feeling on it , but obviously it has made me a little worried my end.
With regards to the stepdaughter could you give me some advice there please ? You mentioned at this stage you would possibly be introducing your children. As I've said I've met the son but the stepdaughter is a big no from him currently. Is this a concern? Is there anything i should be worried abot with this ? I am worried he may never tell her deep down. Similarly to yourself I thought I might have been introduced to her by now as a friend , but he won't allow it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Advice444 · 28/09/2023 13:11

Sorry just to add , how long have you been widowed ?
I would like the sstepdaughter to know so we could spend time together on the weekends. I don't mind being introduced as a friend at all. We hardly have any child free time at all , so it's difficult to see each other regularly without her. If she knew we could all watch a film/have a pizza on a Friday night and I could go home afterwards. That is what I'd like really.

OP posts:
DrowsyDragon · 28/09/2023 13:14

ah that does change a bit. Too in my own situation where there is not chance of bumping into each other because my in-laws don't live in the same town as me. I think your friend does have a point if there is a chance of bumping into each other - though how much of one he'd be in a better position to know. The stepdaughter is very tricky - is he going to go on seeing her indefinitely? I think at her age and having lost a mum she is more likely to take it badly. It's very possible she would feel he's replacing her mum and I think, especially as a near teen she's the most likely to be furious. From what you are saying i think you probably do need to talk and think about how these things will be handled. It seems like maybe he isn't thinking through how this will happen and that's probably making you feel worse too, like he is planning for a future and you are.

Mehmehmehmehmeg · 28/09/2023 13:15

He sounds like he’s being very considerate of people’s feelings. That’s a positive. The step daughter could quite easily be absolutely devastated to hear about you too soon. The loss of her mother will shape her entire life. Give it time.

DrowsyDragon · 28/09/2023 13:16

I was widowed this year so a similar length of time to your partner and I got involved with my friend about a month ago. I've put a lot of thought into this because my kids have already been through a lot of trauma and conveniently he has a very close friend who is a child therapist and gave some advice as well. I would say your partner needs to make sure nobody gets shocked but he is doing the right thing by prioritizing the comfort of two traumatized children, hard as that is for you. But I think you would be reasonable to sit down and talk this through with him again.

Original poster
Advice444 · 28/09/2023 13:21

Yes she stays over Fri- Sunday every week so she can him and her brother. So as you can see that's a large chunk of the week she is there which she can't see each other...
And its not like I don't want to spend time with her , I do !! As you said I worry about her being furious and the longer we don't tell her the more worried I get. Maybe I'm being totally naive but I was hoping if I could start to build a friendship with her now pre teen before the teenage years kick in she might take to me a bit better before all the hormones /mood swings start. I can't make him tell her about us but I wish he would. We spoke about it a few days ago , but he just said he will tell her when he feels ready and when he feels that she will be okay with the news.....?

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 28/09/2023 13:22

If his partner died 9 months ago does that mean that this Christmas will be the first Christmas without her? If it is I wouldn’t be remotely surprised if he wanted to get the two children through that before telling them about you. That’s a very hard first.

DH was widowed when we got together. We’d been together a year before his DS and my DDs knew and spent time together with us as a couple.

Dating a widower can be hard. There are still photos of DH’s first wife in our home - for some people that would be too much (I don’t mind it at all). He’s still sad on anniversary dates. Her birthday is a day that no plans are made as he and DS go to the cemetery - again some people would object to that so many years later.

It can be a difficult path to walk so if it’s not for you you need to walk away if his way isn’t working for you. You can’t expect him to accelerate things with the children if he doesn’t feel it’s right. That doesn’t mean you have to put up with it if it doesn’t work for you, but pressuring him to speed things up isn’t on.

Matildahoney · 28/09/2023 13:23

I've been widowed 6 years, I met my now DP after about 1 year, we didn't want anything serious but ended up falling for each other, but I didn't tell people until we were both absolutely certain that it was going somewhere.
Unfortunately you kind of have to take it at his pace of you're willing to date someone in his situation. DP could not have been more supportive of my decisions, and in fact he met my friends and family before I met his, and he'd been single 4 years.
Good luck whatever you decide to do.

DelphiniumBlue · 28/09/2023 13:24

Was the late girlfriend the mother of both these children? And does the SD live with him? I’m not following how it is sustainable from his point of view for you to have met and spent time with the little boy but not his sister? Surely he will mention it?
Maybe he’s thinking that the older girl will read more into your situation than the little boy, who probably accepts things at face value.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 28/09/2023 13:24

And it says a lot about him that he still has such regular contact with his stepdaughter.

Clearly he has the interests of the two children at heart and that’s a really good thing. It’s good they have such a good man in their corner as losing their mother is going to have such a massive impact on their lives.

Original poster
Advice444 · 28/09/2023 13:24

Thankyou. As I've said above to the other poster I know losing her mum is devastating, and I would love the chance to be a friend and have a friendship with her. I'd never replace her mum. I worry as time goes on and she becomes a proper teenager it will get harder and she will hate me.
Do you feel he should be telling anyone else about me like his parents or his friends? I'd love it if he told his friends even but they are her friends too.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 28/09/2023 13:25

Do you feel he should be telling anyone else about me like his parents or his friends?

He should be telling people when he’s ready to. Not before. And certainly not on a set schedule of ‘should’.

Original poster
Advice444 · 28/09/2023 13:28

Yes the late girlfriends was mum to both the children. The son is biologically his and obviously lives full time with him. His stepdaughter is not biologically his, but her biological father allows her to spend the weekend with the man I'm seeing so she can continue to see her brother. I hope that makes sense...
I normally see him and the little boy when the stepdaughter is with her biologically dad , that's how we have done it for months. He says The little boy does mentions me now and again to his sister but just in passing. She hasn't seemed to have twigged yet.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 28/09/2023 13:28

My mum died when I was 7 and my dad got remarried 2.5 years later. We met my step-mum very little before they married. I was really shocked when he announces he was getting married. Love my step-mum and even at 10 I understood that this was ok. But I was really blown away that mum was being replaced.

DrowsyDragon · 28/09/2023 13:28

I think she might hate you whatever. It's always possible, my parents had a friend who was a widower and he didn't date until about five years later and his daughters, then just into their twenties, were still very hostile because they couldn't bare the thought of their mother being replaced. I think@YetMoreNewBeginnings has the right of this. It has to be at his place and if that's hurting you then this might not be the relationship for you. It's bloody hard to explain to anyone you might be moving on, whatever the circumstances of widowhood. This little family has been through a lot and he is clearly a good and involved man, I think you have to trust him

Thoughtful2355 · 28/09/2023 13:29

i woudnt expect my partner to tell them before at least a year if within 2 years of the passing

RattlewhenIwalk · 28/09/2023 13:31

Nine months in is a bit soon especially for children. It's all about them, you not so much.

If you're the right one he'll still be there in a few months

DrowsyDragon · 28/09/2023 13:31

I think the other thing that is very different, for me at least, before marriage and children, when I dated I would get very caught up in the heady first stage, see as much of the person as possible and talk about them a lot. You can't make a new partner the number one if you have kids, or at least you really shouldn't.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 28/09/2023 13:32

As for the girl hating you - rushing her into the situation would be the best way to make that happen.

DS was a toddler when his Mummy died. When he was 10 he asked if he could call me Mum. When he was 12 he spent three months calling me “that woman” because he was angry at the world. When he was 15 he asked if he could just never tell friends at a hobby that I was technically his stepmum.

Step-parenting a child who has lost their mum is a rollercoaster.

And your BF will also be thinking about the relationship between the two children - his step daughter could very easily feel pushed out if she thinks he, you and her brother are playing happy families without her. She could be angry at him and her brother for replacing her mum.

You have to go at his pace, he knows the children, and if his pace doesn’t work for you then you have to walk away because asking him to put your wishes before what he thinks is best for the children isn’t on really.

DivingForLove · 28/09/2023 13:35

You sound like my best friend’s widower’s gf. If that makes sense. She put a huge amount of pressure on him to introduce her to everyone including the kids. This was 8 years ago. She was introduced less than a year after my bf died. The kids have never forgiven the new gf.

Crochetablanket · 28/09/2023 13:35

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 28/09/2023 13:24

And it says a lot about him that he still has such regular contact with his stepdaughter.

Clearly he has the interests of the two children at heart and that’s a really good thing. It’s good they have such a good man in their corner as losing their mother is going to have such a massive impact on their lives.

I agree with this, he is putting his children at the centre of his decision making as it should be. They have all been through a significant loss.

Really after just 6 months you are in the first part of a relationship ( even though you say you are in love) it’s far far to early to be thinking about becoming the partner / fixture in his life. It is really long way off from that.

As a PP has said they haven’t experienced any of their ‘first’ anniversaries, Christmas birthdays etc.

I have had many six month relationships in my life, and it’s really no time at all to be asking anyone to make big life decisions / introducing to family, friends etc let alone when there has been a loss of a ( young ) mum and all the complications and challenges that brings.

Personally I think introducing you to his child at this earlier stage is too early and confusing ( it doesn’t matter that the DC don’t know about the relationship -that’s an adult way of thinking ) and to a child that what he has done, is brought a new woman into his life who wasn’t there before ( aka mother role).

if you want him to stay with you long term, I’d say stop asking if he ‘should’ do anything and don’t expect anything.

Your comment about the step daughter being there all weekend and it being a big chunk of the week, speaks to me that it’s all about you, and actually they are getting in the way of you progressing the relationship that’s this issue. Meeting them and him telling everyone won’t solve that.

Quitelikeit · 28/09/2023 13:36

Op

i have noticed this is all about you - what you want, when you want it, and when it should happen

back off - please - you have no idea of the trauma and grief these people are living with

the guy needs more time and so do the family just give them this one thing?

if you rush this - and he comes clean - it could cause tensions for him and then resentment towards you. Then bam you’ll be dumped. Be careful what you wish for

Original poster
Advice444 · 28/09/2023 13:36

I don't know if I'm doing it right when I try and respond to people directly but for those who have been widowed themselves on this thread or have dated a widower could you please tell me how often you saw each other/went on dates during the first year ?

We were seeing each other weekly but now he says he can't manage it weekly anymore. Is this a worry ? We've dated weekly for months. And it's always been the bare minimum I've seen someone I suppose

OP posts:
MabelEstherAllen · 28/09/2023 13:37

I'm a youngish widow. I'm sure it's hard for you, as you seem very excited by this relationship and the feelings it's ignited for you. But my experience is that, for widows/widowers, all the emotions involved with grief - and helping family members through their grief and trauma - are a million times stronger and more immediate than any feelings of affection for new partners. It's REALLY early days for him and his kids, and I think it's really commendable that he's putting the feelings of his kids and in-laws first. Unfortunately, I think that when dating recent widows/widowers, you have to accept that his feelings for you won't be the most intense thing in his life; even if your feelings for him are the most intense thing in your life. That won't necessarily always be the case, but I'd imagine it's the case now. If you can't accept that (and it is a difficult thing to accept), then I'd suggest ending the relationship before it causes you more hurt.