Dating Thread 243

[VenturingOut80]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@cassiatwenty and @Myfabby

Thank you so much and I know you're right.

I think I was just so surprised that I would fall for all that. But focus is definitely on me now. It's worth waiting a bit longer to be more in tune with myself, so to speak.

I guess, I've been wanting to feel wanted for such a long time, that I was such an easy target.

Once again - thanks!

LovebombedAgain I'm so sorry you've suffered so much. I really feel for you. As above, give yourself some time. Take all the support you can get & focus on 'you' for now.

OLD is extremely tough for all of us at times. It's really difficult even when you are feeling perfectly mentally prepared for it!

@NervesOfCotton
"OLD is extremely tough for all of us at times. It's really difficult even when you are feeling perfectly mentally prepared for it!"

Oh that is so true, though thankfully I am in a really happy place now with a truly lovely woman.
I think back to some of the horrible experiences I had, I'm not going to replay any of the stuff only to say some women can be as utterly heartless as some men.
I can honestly say this and previous threads have helped me realise that most of us are nice honest people who just want to feel loved & respected.

WtP It's crazy isn't it... Somewhere along the way it almost becomes 'normal' to know that you will be treated like crap once you log in, in the vague hope that there might be one nice person in amongst the crap!

Every now & then I'll tell some 'OLD tales' to somebody who's never done it, & they look at me in horror & I'll just shrug & say 'Thats how it is'

I know that's sounding extremely negative but I'm allowed to be negative today

On a brighter note, I had one chat left on my Bumble, neither of us have been on much the last few days (I find it too difficult to multi-date) but I messaged him today, he's nearby, & we have set up a date for tomorrow.

I'm not really feeling anything about it. I'm a bit numb. If it happens, it happens. If not, fine.

Oh I feel for you!
Trust me it's not just a woman thing, I flinch at some of the stuff I've have had to endure, men are supposed to be tough to that sort of stuff aren't we?

Having said that I shudder at the crap some men seem to think is acceptable in dating!
Perhaps I'm in a minority but even the women I've actually been on dates with were decent people even if we didn't have that spark to take it any further. We were adult enough to tell each other and part on good terms.

I'm so sorry to hear you've had such a bad experience. And I'm scared because I'm not sure I'd notice if that happened to me. What exactly is love bombing?

That sucks, if they have changed their mind why can’t they just say instead of unmatching. So rude. I’ve had this once.

ps. I was @Anewnamea in the last thread. Have name changed

Ah that sucks but Sounds like you made the right decision! I was just reading all your updates there and I could see potential red flags in your initial post about him being so tactile on a first date but hoped he would prove otherwise. I agree with the others, about his “movie and cuddles” suggestion. His response shows he has not accepted your express wish not to have sex and instead are hoping to wear you down and gain some kind of reluctant consent at the time.

I also wouldn’t be keen on dating someone who lived in a flatshare and wasn’t wanting to go out as they’d then be over at mine all the time, unless I wanted to hang out in their flatshare. And he just sounds a bit cheap. He’s allegedly saving all this money in a flat share but can’t make an effort on the first few dates?

edit: sorry just reread your post and saw you wanted to move on so I guess this is old news lol. Please feel free to ignore if my comments are too late 😆

@Mollymolloy you’re not being irrational at all. It baffles me people having unprotected sex with strangers.

It really infuriates me men who think you should be OK not wearing a condom. I’m of childbearing age so if a guy says that to me he’s basically expecting me to be the one who bears the burden of taking contraception.

@Crushed23 I tried match and got the sense a lot of the ones who liked me were married. I just got that vibe from them! Didn’t have much luck there !

The guy I’m currently dating is from Hinge and I’ve found that app much better quality for the type of men I match with. Tinder has more of a choice though but I’ve never used that.

@alloalloo

I know you asked someone else but IMO Love bombing can be hard to distinguish from someone just being quite keen but from what I understand it involves bombarding you with excessive compliments and flattery perhaps compliments that are unfounded. Eg. A guy I spoke to online once messaged me the next day saying he couldn’t stop thinking about me and then kept trying to send good morning texts daily. I cut it off quick as it didn’t seem genuine. Same as people who say they think I’m amazing and I’ve barely spoken two words to them.

Some people might do grand gestures early on that are usually more appropriate in slightly more established relationships eg. Extravagant gifts or booking a holiday abroad as a surprise.

Whatever method they use ultimately they’re trying to create a false sense of intimacy and bypass your boundaries in an effort to get you to fall for them quickly or commit to a relationship with them.

Once they think you’re hooked they may show a totally different and less pleasant side to them! And I feel love bombers often end things very abruptly by going from 0 to 100 then back to zero super quick.

Hi Backagain2 Thank you. I feel a bit icky looking back, thinking how uncomfortable all the touching made me feel but I just let him anyway, It's all a learning curve though isn't it.
The house-share being a hindrance to dating apparently only occured to him when I pointed it out, & his comment about being skint, so needing to have dates at home, came in the middle of him telling me to just chill & not question anything, so I was already 'Done'.

Anyway... Did you have another date with your one? How did it go?

Thanks for that, it makes sense and thank goodness isn't something that happened to me.

Think we ran into the same type of man…I was once speaking to a guy who lived in a house share with 2 guys, he said he “preferred to eat at home” and didn’t like going out 🙄 he definitely expected sex on the first ‘date’ in his grotty (according to him) houseshare. Needless to say I never did meet up with him!

Hope the icky feeling fades away soon! Yes it is a learning curve. I’ve let men get carried away with what they wanted in the past, because it’s all happened so fast and later I’ve processed it and felt uncomfortable about it for a little while.

All good with Mr R thanks :) Had what I think was our 6th date, earlier this week, went to a lovely restaurant near mine so he drove over yet again.

He invited me to his this weekend, and offered to pick me and said it’s ok that I don’t want to do anything (we are just at the kiss and cuddle stage! ) I am busy with some stuff, so I can’t make it but maybe another time soon.

Overall he’s been lots of fun and is very respectful and kind but it’s early days and I’m still watchful so I’ll see where it goes!

Last night's date was nice evening but I didn't fancy him unfortunately.

That's a shame Slothmomma but at least you had a nice evening.

Aww that's a lovely update Backagain Date 6! Really great, I'm so happy for you!

Now, my date for today is still on! Feeling mildly exited now, it's another quick decision one but, just because the last one went wrong, doesn't mean this one will.

We are going for coffee & a stroll along the waterfront. I was fully expecting to not hear from him today but he's messaged me double checking place & time

Thank you ! @NervesOfCotton

I really hope your date today goes well - a coffee and a water front stroll sounds great.

Nice that he messaged to double check arrangements - always a good sign!

@Janinejones I saw your earlier post about timewasters. I hope your social meeting went well? Will she become a new friend? Another meeting.

Thank you Backagain. I just got home. I'm not sure how this one went tbh, he's a lovely, kind, caring guy. Really sweet. Much nicer than I thought he'd be!
He wasn't handsy at all (although he did massage my shoulders when we sat on a bench) I don't know why men keep massaging my shoulders, I must just look like the most tense woman in the world
Kiss on the cheek after he walked me (nearly) home.

The 'but' is he said he gets claustrophobic in a relationship & can't manage anything serious.

I nearly said 'Well let's just go our separate ways now then' but, he was just such a nice guy, I didn't want the date to end.

He also showed me his website that he's been designing & said that's why he's not been on Bumble too much (made me feel guilty as I've not been on there as I was dating somebody else!)

All on all, feeling happy but gutted.

@JaneyClicks , Thanks for asking.
After a difficult working day I met the friends and discovered that my 'old' friend who arranged it knew that Ms NewFriend followed the same hobby as me. We didn't stop talking. It went very well. We are going to meet, maybe we become 'close'. But we could become good friends and share the sport.
A few problems, we live 50 miles apart. She is 'coming out' gradually, her colleagues at work have worked out that she prefers women. Not told family. Her teen DD suspects. Is going to have a meaningful chat soon.

Janinejones Shame about the distance but I'm glad it went well overall. Hopefully it leads to something good, either way

@NervesOfCotton unless you're looking for casual I'd swerve that one too. Hes told you who he is which basically gives him his get out if you don't like how things are going because "he told you at outset"

Thank you Slothmomma. I've been for a long walk & came to the same conclusion myself. See it for what it was, a nice date & a nice massage with a nice man who's looking for something different than me.

@NervesOfCotton Aw at least you had a nice date anyway with someone who appears to be respectful and also straight up and transparent.

@Janinejones Pleased it went well for you.
Coming out can be very difficult especially if you have been in a straight relationship and your family and friends have to do a conscious readjustment. Does that apply to you as well? Me, I'm nosey, Inquisitive, Is the sport/hobby competitive cycling?
Really nice if you make a new Bi or lesbian friend even if you don't become lovers.

Thanks for the good wishes here (and the PM)!
You are right, coming out will be a prob. Was married for 24 years and have two children. We always did this sport at competitive and family levels. We are well known in local club. They all know exH not still in the sport. Me appearing for practice sessions with a woman of similar age to me will create a talking point, shall we say.
Perhaps it is better if I take my thoughts on coming out and how I tell my teens to a new thread. It won't affect most of you.
Ms NewFriend and I texted today and will phone chat tomorrow.
Evening in for me, DS is away and DD using us a base, told her I am having a drink so will not be driving anywhere to rescue her.

Yes, Backagain Nice to know that there is one of them out there

I found my sisters ex on Bumble last night!