@TilllyPink, I commented on your previous thread. It was clear that this OW was never a friend of your marriage, and, at the least, your H was thoroughly enjoying his ego validation triangle with 2 competing women. You hoped his crush would fade, but his latest divulgence re his threesome fantasy proves it has not.
I recall:
*H finds her ‘really attractive,’ and said he would shag her if you ever break up.
*He said if he’d wanted to make a move on her, he would have.
*She would attempt to stir up trouble by inventing things he had said or done [witnesses negated her claims] to goad you and trigger arguments between you and H.
*She would practically blank H in your presence but would flirt in your absence. On one outing she was also ignoring you, but when you had to leave early, she moved around to H, asked him to buy her drinks, and flirted heavily. If the guys went out, she’d turn up and act like she & H were best friends, and whenever her H would step out she’d ramp up the flirting and get
touchy-feely. He denied reciprocating.
*H made negative remarks to you about her looks, and she blatantly remarked several times to you and her H that your H isn’t her type…
*Despite her manipulative stirring and disrespect toward you, H entertained her attention, bought her drinks, and, as you now know, was actually enjoying her flattery and flirting.
*She eventually admitted the flirting but denied ever messaging H, which was a lie. She showed you that there were zero messages on her phone, but you already knew they were messaging about the work he was doing to her house and other chat. She had deleted those messages.
*Despite your cutting contact and your upset at his recent revelations, H stated his intention to interact if he runs into her. He said he wouldn’t be rude to her (but he is more than willing to hurt and degrade you). He said he’d have sex with her if you broke up.
@TilllyPink, H is being intentionally cruel by admitting his 20 year lusting. His recent spilling of his desire for a threesome with her is just one more stab. I stand by what I said last month. They’ve enjoyed a mutual attraction and flirtation. Their claims to not finding the other attractive was a ruse to throw their spouses off the scent. How often did he go to her home or drink with
her 1:1 ? Is she a member of his gym?
They both felt a frisson and buzz from the other’s attention. They both let you down, but it was your H’s responsibility to respect you/your marriage by distancing himself from her, and he didn’t. He still wants to connect and invest in her. You demean yourself and weaken your position of strength by echoing his misogynistic, inflammatory language about her.
You are doing yourself a disservice by analyzing why H fancies this woman. Put your focus on him and his faithless behavior, and the distance he is creating between you. He has humiliated you and damaged your relationship via his admitted drooling over your Ex-Friend….and by your recent discovery of his sleazing over close to 1000 semi-naked/scantily clad women he follows on Instagram, including Z-listers and women he met working abroad and on holiday. You expressed your discomfort, but he dismissed your feelings. He said he was keeping the women because otherwise his feed would be “boring and gay.” He said it’s not real life, but it is real life when his perving makes his Wife uncomfortable. I’d feel the same way.
@TilllyPink, your H is into external gratification and validation. He is making destructive choices, creating emotional distance, and hurting you. It feels like he is up to something illicit or considering it, with your Ex-Friend or someone else. I would be very angry, and my trust and respect for him would have plummeted. After the threesome talk, it would be game over.