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Original poster

Husband fancying someone else

177 replies

TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 10:27

Hi, I’m just wondering on what peoples opinions are on this subject …

Basically my husband has recently admitted to fancying my former friend ( long story ) for 20 years. He’s made all sorts of comments about how attractive he thinks she is, and how she’s a 9/10 ( I’m a 10/10 apparently). He said she’s the only girl he’d want a threesome with which upset me. He said she is the only person he’s looked at in that way the whole time we’ve been together ( together 20, married 15 ). He seems to think it’s perfectly normal for married guys or guys in a relationship to have a crush / soft spot for another girl and I’m just going over the top by being upset. He used to see her a fair amount as we’d all meet for food, drinks etc ( her husband too ), atleast once / twice a month before we fell out, now he doesn’t see her at all so i haven’t got to watch him lusting over her, but I just don’t like the idea that she’s always in his head and a reference to any other woman looks wise. I’ve got a few really attractive friends and have asked him if he thinks they’re more attractive than her, and he just laughs and says they’re not even in her league.
I know people are just going to say leave him, but he’s never acted like this in 20 years and if he never told me, I’d have no idea about what he thought.

OP posts:
Frogger8395 · 26/09/2023 13:51

I think it’s disgusting that he would be attracted to someone who acts in that way.

This is huge information you shouldn’t ignore. He respects and admires these traits and finds them attractive.

Thebigblueballoon · 26/09/2023 13:56

Well, he’s an absolute pillock for telling you, for a start. And to be so blasé with his following comments shows a stunning lack of awareness.
I’d be really pissed if my husband acted like that, I get jealous easily. No idea what I’d do.

thatllbethebees · 26/09/2023 13:58

I'm getting 'slag vibes' from him. It's absolutely not attractive. I don't want a threesome or to have an affair because he sounds like a sleazy perv. You can do better op.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/09/2023 14:02

Why aren't you friends anymore? How long?
How did it come about DH telling you?

DH inadvertently knows I find one of his friends attractive because he knows I find a character on TV attractive and it later came up about the friends looking like him. But even with that, if DH asked me I can't imagine having something like the conversation he's had with you

SleepyRooster · 26/09/2023 14:04

Feels like you want to blame her OP. All of your replies are about her behaviour. Not his. He is your problem, not her.

Treesnbirds · 26/09/2023 14:06

Sounds really unpleasant. If this is the first time he's said stuff like this do you think it could be a mid life crisis thing?

Sounds like you could be much happier with someone else tbh. Sorry you have to deal with this. WineCake

SleepingStandingUp · 26/09/2023 14:07

Blough · 26/09/2023 12:07

I wouldn’t have got past date number 2 with such a knuckle dragger, so no idea what advice to give someone who would. 🤢

Yes because everyone shows exactly who they are upfront, no one ever changes and you're so perfect you can everyone's exact character from the offset.

Op has said he has never acted like this in 20 years
The behaviour is new.
He wasn't smacking the barmaids bum on date 2 and suggesting a hook up with her sister fgs

LightSpeeds · 26/09/2023 14:09

I stopped reading after "... he said she’s the only girl he’d want a threesome with..."

Nice! If you think you're worth more than this then dump the twat.

Bookworm20 · 26/09/2023 14:12

From what you've written in your updates, it sounds to me like he has possibly already had his cake. Or at the very least licked the icing.

And he rated you both?
How lovely.

Calmthedrama · 26/09/2023 14:13

SleepyRooster · 26/09/2023 14:04

Feels like you want to blame her OP. All of your replies are about her behaviour. Not his. He is your problem, not her.

This☝🏻

Kateandherbush · 26/09/2023 14:17

‘Slag vibes’.. Charming.. You sure you didn’t just make that up for the post OP? Sounds more like what you think of your ex friend tbh, give you felt the need to highlight she has slept with 100+ men (gasp, shock..).

Your DH sounds like a slimy twat and you aren’t covering yourself in glory either with you casual slut shaming.

Cowlover89 · 26/09/2023 14:19

He's a dick. I couldn't stay with someone like that

Original poster
TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 14:19

That’s exactly that he said. When I asked him to explain further, he said he couldn’t explain exactly what it meant, but it ‘draws you in’, and not many woman have it.

OP posts:
Aikko · 26/09/2023 14:24

Mrsttcno1 · 26/09/2023 13:35

I think there’s a few red flags in there to be honest. Her essentially telling you to leave him- maybe she wanted him single? And also her repeating to you and her husband that she’s not interested in him, to me that screams the opposite. The old “thou doth protest too much” comes to mind!

Show quote history

Yes, agree.
Quite possibly they have already done something together...

Fallingthroughclouds · 26/09/2023 14:31

TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 11:38

So my friend was very flirty, especially when drunk. She’s slept around a lot in the past ( atleast 100 men ) and has cheated on everyone she’s ever been with, including her current husband. That’s all gone quiet for a while and I thought maybe she’s grown up, but who knows. My husband says she’s had ‘Slag Vibes’, whatever that means. I think it’s disgusting that he would be attracted to someone who acts in that way.

I think that it's disgusting that he'd talk about a woman like that and that you have no issue with it. Just that he fancies 'slag vibes'. I get the impression he's some sort of misogynistic public school boy type. Rating women out of 10, then calling them slags. He's a dick and you should have a word with him regarding his treatment of women on general.

Gnomegnomegnome · 26/09/2023 14:48

He openly fancies her, tease’s you with this and talks of threesomes but calls her a slag.
She swears he’s not her type, talks about sex in front of him and notices his reaction, encourages you to finish with him and randomly tells you and her husband that she doesn’t fancy your husband.

She ended the friendship with you didn’t she?

SallyWD · 26/09/2023 14:51

Firstly, many may disagree with me, but I think it's perfectly normal to fancy other people and not that unusual that he fancies your friend. My DH has one friend who's exceptionally good looking and very lovely in terms of personality. I admit it, I fancy him a bit!!
But what's not normal is him telling you he fancies her, rating her out of ten and saying he'd like a threesome with her!! I find that incredibly disrespectful to you and her. How on earth does he think it's OK to say these things?
I have a really gorgeous friend. I'm sure DH might fancy her a bit but he would never, ever say that or talk about sleeping with her. It's just gross.

SallyWD · 26/09/2023 14:59

TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 11:38

So my friend was very flirty, especially when drunk. She’s slept around a lot in the past ( atleast 100 men ) and has cheated on everyone she’s ever been with, including her current husband. That’s all gone quiet for a while and I thought maybe she’s grown up, but who knows. My husband says she’s had ‘Slag Vibes’, whatever that means. I think it’s disgusting that he would be attracted to someone who acts in that way.

OK, having read this update I think he's slightly obsessed with her because he's seeing her as a very sexual woman. I'm not saying she is but from his comments he clearly sees her as "easy" (yes I know that's an awful term but I'm seeing this from a randy male perspective). He said he gets "slag vibes" from her which for some men would be very exciting. I've known loads of men who become very attracted to a woman if they think she's "dirty" (their term), has lots of sex, sleeps around etc. The woman might be ordinary looking but if he's getting these vibes from her it explains his interest. It's not nice!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 26/09/2023 15:05

... he’s not her type and I can do a lot better.

She's not wrong though, is she? On either count.

I can see why it irks you, she has TWO men, her husband - and yours. She doesn't want yours. I imagine he turns her stomach with his letching. That is a double blow for you, OP, he's quite openly fancying her and disrespecting you at the same time.

Whether he's done it before or not is irrelevant - he's doing it now.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 26/09/2023 15:08

Reading the way that you talk about her, OP, do both of you a favour and swerve the relationship. You're not a friend, not even close.

Keep your lecherous husband safely locked away. He sounds odious. Ugh

Hiddenvoice · 26/09/2023 15:10

It’s normal to find other people attractive but your husbands comments are so disrespectful of you and just vulgar.

The fact that he’s fully described how he finds her attractive and then comparing her to others is disgusting. I would be really upset if my dh said anything like that. I’d also not want to be around the girl in question too.
Have you told him how it’s made you feel?

Original poster
TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 15:33

This is interesting because I personally don’t think she’s attractive. I’ve asked a few people I know the same thing and they’ve basically said maybe better than average, but couldn’t see why anyone would make a big fuss about her looks. Maybe it’s her past, or maybe even present that he’s attracted to, and he’s just put her on a pedestal in his head, imagining her to be better than what she actually is.

OP posts:
Gnomegnomegnome · 26/09/2023 15:35

he’s just put her on a pedestal in his head, imagining her to be better than what she actually is.

How can you be in a relationship with someone that has put another woman on a pedestal?

Original poster
TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 15:36

I don’t know this for a fact, I’m just trying to make sense of it all.

OP posts:
Thebigblueballoon · 26/09/2023 15:36

TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 15:33

This is interesting because I personally don’t think she’s attractive. I’ve asked a few people I know the same thing and they’ve basically said maybe better than average, but couldn’t see why anyone would make a big fuss about her looks. Maybe it’s her past, or maybe even present that he’s attracted to, and he’s just put her on a pedestal in his head, imagining her to be better than what she actually is.

You’re really disparaging of your (ex) friend, aren’t you? Your husband is the problem here, not her.