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Original poster

Husband fancying someone else

177 replies

TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 10:27

Hi, I’m just wondering on what peoples opinions are on this subject …

Basically my husband has recently admitted to fancying my former friend ( long story ) for 20 years. He’s made all sorts of comments about how attractive he thinks she is, and how she’s a 9/10 ( I’m a 10/10 apparently). He said she’s the only girl he’d want a threesome with which upset me. He said she is the only person he’s looked at in that way the whole time we’ve been together ( together 20, married 15 ). He seems to think it’s perfectly normal for married guys or guys in a relationship to have a crush / soft spot for another girl and I’m just going over the top by being upset. He used to see her a fair amount as we’d all meet for food, drinks etc ( her husband too ), atleast once / twice a month before we fell out, now he doesn’t see her at all so i haven’t got to watch him lusting over her, but I just don’t like the idea that she’s always in his head and a reference to any other woman looks wise. I’ve got a few really attractive friends and have asked him if he thinks they’re more attractive than her, and he just laughs and says they’re not even in her league.
I know people are just going to say leave him, but he’s never acted like this in 20 years and if he never told me, I’d have no idea about what he thought.

OP posts:
HoneyBadgerMom · 26/09/2023 15:46

TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 10:33

I was half tempted to tell him, as he’s still friends with her husband. Have held back on it as he hasn’t mentioned it since it all came out ( he obviously regrets telling me), but I don’t get why he’d even tell me in the 1st place. What did he think he would get out of it? Me invite her back so I can watch him fuck her?

Probably. This is happening more and more, men bullying and shaming their wives into "threesomes" to open the marriage. I'd have a huge problem with this. I know you said you're not wanting to divorce over this, but I got some good advice once: "Never make a man tell you more than once that he doesn't want you."

GilbertMarkham · 26/09/2023 15:48

Mrsttcno1 · 26/09/2023 13:35

I think there’s a few red flags in there to be honest. Her essentially telling you to leave him- maybe she wanted him single? And also her repeating to you and her husband that she’s not interested in him, to me that screams the opposite. The old “thou doth protest too much” comes to mind!

Show quote history

It's absolutely hilarious how differently different people can interpret something.

I actually see her behaviour as indicating the exact opposite of what this poster has come up with.

GilbertMarkham · 26/09/2023 15:51

If my partner insisted on telling me who he'd consider a threesome with; if I even stayed with him ..... I'd fucking do his head in on an ongoing basis about which men I'd consider a threesome with ....

I bet he'd say he's not bi so he'd not do one with a man .... The response to that is "I'm not bi either, so why are mentioning which woman you'd consider having a threesome with".

Original poster
TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 15:54

Yeah I asked if he’d have a threesome with another guy and he said exactly that, he’s not gay, but he’d have no choice if we did it with a woman 1st.

OP posts:
Fallingthroughclouds · 26/09/2023 15:54

TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 15:33

This is interesting because I personally don’t think she’s attractive. I’ve asked a few people I know the same thing and they’ve basically said maybe better than average, but couldn’t see why anyone would make a big fuss about her looks. Maybe it’s her past, or maybe even present that he’s attracted to, and he’s just put her on a pedestal in his head, imagining her to be better than what she actually is.

'Better than what she actually is'. Do you normally talk about friends like this? I'm not surprised she dumped you.

GilbertMarkham · 26/09/2023 15:56

Tbh it sounds like his behaviour has already fucked up your former friendship with the woman in question ..... I don't think it's her fault. I think her behaviour (which in my view was the opposite of the poster above,'s interpretation; she was trying to communicate loud and clear that she had no interest in him, and was only interested in her DH... She was also trying to warn you about him) was a response to his.

Are you certain he never tried to.communicate with her independently? Or maybe implied things/said things in company?

The slut vibes, or whatever it was, thing is disgusting.

The rating women out of ten thing is disgusting.

They reflect his character, as does telling you about his crush and talking about threesomes.

Original poster
TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 15:57

I don’t see the harm in asking a couple of friends their opinion. I’m the 1 who stopped the friendship with her, not the other way round.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 26/09/2023 15:58

Fallingthroughclouds · 26/09/2023 15:54

'Better than what she actually is'. Do you normally talk about friends like this? I'm not surprised she dumped you.

Edited
Show quote history

Yeah and did you see the utter cuntiness about her previous partners (basically she'd get with anybody) and about her current partner/husbands looks??

I felt sorry for the op with this dickhead of a husband til I read things like that.

Maybe they're better suited than we think.

At least op can rest easy knowing she's been rated 10 and her friend one point lower ... In the cattle market rating.

(Except even her arsehole husband knows better than to rate her ex friend as high or higher than her).

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 26/09/2023 15:59

TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 15:33

This is interesting because I personally don’t think she’s attractive. I’ve asked a few people I know the same thing and they’ve basically said maybe better than average, but couldn’t see why anyone would make a big fuss about her looks. Maybe it’s her past, or maybe even present that he’s attracted to, and he’s just put her on a pedestal in his head, imagining her to be better than what she actually is.

You and your husband are a right pair.

Him for his "slag vibes" and giving you his marks out of ten for women.

You for asking other people to rate your "friend"'s attractiveness, and being glad that they found her wanting. Your "better than what she actually is" comment is particularly catty.

I personally think you and your husband deserve one another and I'm not surprised the friend doesn't bother with either of you any more.

gamerchick · 26/09/2023 16:00

TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 12:04

Advice. What would you do if this was your husband?

Erm I'd tell him he was a creep and a massive weirdo for saying anything or 5o that extent. That the marriage was over and it's time to see what that looks like.

You don't sound very kind about her. I'm taking the fallout was between you and her to say such things about another women. Her sex life has nothing to do with you or how many she's been with

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 26/09/2023 16:02

OP, it's like this. Your marriage is done unless you accept that your husband will chase any woman who'll have him. The way he talks about women is a disgrace.

Your former 'friend' is well out of it and I imagine that she doesn't miss either of you. You're not out of it though, you're stuck with a disrespectful twat as a husband. But, since you clearly do relish drama over somebody who is no longer in your life and therefore no longer a 'threat'... enjoy! As PP says, you sound well suited as a couple.

Spacecowboys · 26/09/2023 16:03

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with sharing fantasies with a spouse, it shows you are comfortable with each other. But they should be faceless eg I’ve always fancied a threesome with you and another woman. One of your best friends though? That would gross me out and I’d find it disrespectful, especially rating people out of 10. I’d have to start talking about which of his friends I fancy s**ing. See how he likes it.

GilbertMarkham · 26/09/2023 16:03

Yeah ops so busy being in competition with other women for her husband and trying to feel superior that she's completely missed the fact that no decent husband would say any of this, act this way, or put you in competition with other women.

It seems that ops internalised misogyny has coalesced perfectly with her husband's misogyny.

Her DH might be much less good looking than yours op, but (presuming he doesn't act like this, of which there is no sign) he's still a better man than yours.

Original poster
TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 16:04

I’ve never thought that she fancied him. She flirts with any guy with a pulse for a bit of attention tbh. He may of picked up the wrong vibe from her. All he’s really said about anytime he’s been round her without me, is she’s a lot more chatty/friendly/flirty compared to when I’m there. I did think this was a little odd as most of my friends are a little flirty infront of my husband, but they are infront of me too, so it’s not like they’re sneakily acting like that behind my back, if he’s ever in a situation to be round them without myself.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 26/09/2023 16:07

She flirts with any guy with a pulse for a bit of attention tbh

Whether she does or doesn't; it's your h who's felt the need to tell you he fancied her, he thinks she's slutty, he'd choose her for a threesome if he had the opportunity and that he rates her 9/10.

A decent man would be pleasant but brush off the flirting, and if he fancied her or fantasised about her, keep it to.himself.

You kinda sound like bitchy mcbitchface op.

You weren't her friend, more like frenemy.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 26/09/2023 16:07

Classy, OP. She flirts with any guy with a pulse, but NOT your creep of a husband. She has the standards that you clearly don't.

Why not leave her alone and stop slating her? You sound desperate considering that this woman is no longer in your life. She had a lucky escape.

Who knows what your husband does and says behind your back. Those women that you think are flirting with him, look again, it may be that they're giving you pitying looks that you're misinterpreting.

Why can't you stop obsessing about your ex-friend, either of you? Creepy... ugh.

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/09/2023 16:09

It’s pathetic. Low, and pathetic. He’s being openly disloyal to you, admits he wants sex with your friend whilst being hatefully misogynistic in his language... There’s no coming back from this shitstorm. The sleazy moron has fouled over everything.

heartsinvisiblefury · 26/09/2023 16:14

My husband said it about my best friend after a night out together when he spent the whole time flirting and me and her husband were sat like lemons watching it. He actually woke me up the next day and told me he fancied her and he broke my heart.

Fallingthroughclouds · 26/09/2023 16:14

TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 16:04

I’ve never thought that she fancied him. She flirts with any guy with a pulse for a bit of attention tbh. He may of picked up the wrong vibe from her. All he’s really said about anytime he’s been round her without me, is she’s a lot more chatty/friendly/flirty compared to when I’m there. I did think this was a little odd as most of my friends are a little flirty infront of my husband, but they are infront of me too, so it’s not like they’re sneakily acting like that behind my back, if he’s ever in a situation to be round them without myself.

People are pulling you up for being spiteful, yet you're blathering on regardless. Maybe just go back and reread all the unpleasant things that you have said and decide if this is really the way you want to go on in the future.

At this stage if she is fucking him, I don't think I would blame her.

GilbertMarkham · 26/09/2023 16:16

I think you couldn't help yourself bitching about her and slagging her off and feeling superior to your h .... And in the course of doing so, you've actually been hoisted by your own petard; because he started salivating over her and her "sluttiness" and developed a thing about her.

Not to say he mightn't have anyway .... But all the slut shaming and blabbing about her and her past and her activities have probably contributed.

I guess you'll have to deal with your "disgust" that he'd find "someone like that" attractive (someone so inferior to you, right) because he clearly does ... Even if it's only for a fuck.
I guess you could role play being her .... You're certainly good at analysing her and ripping her to pieces so you should be able to do a performance as her.

wildwestpioneer · 26/09/2023 16:17

Dolores87 · 26/09/2023 10:36

It is normal for people to find other people attractive or to have a crush etc but it's not normal for him to tell you all about it wtf. This would really hurt me.

This !

scoobydoo1971 · 26/09/2023 16:18

You turned the gun on the wrong person, and I would hazard a guess it is because of the state of your marriage. It has affected your psychology in that he makes you feel insecure and paranoid about other women, however they act or look. Women are not the enemy. Your former friend is not at fault here, and the real enemy is who you are married to. Barnie Rubble doesn't know anything about respect, boundaries, kindness or love, and he loves messing with your head. It is a reality that married men and women do fancy other people outside their union. That is basic biology at play. However, they don't go and confess this to their spouse, or rub it in like salt in a wound. That action is a mix of crass ignorance, and enacting abusive control in the relationship. Don't stay with this loser as he will make your life so very very miserable.

Mrsttcno1 · 26/09/2023 16:20

I’m another one who really doesn’t understand your comments about this woman, she’s “attractive” enough that your HUSBAND wants to shag her, the more people you have to ask about her looks the more unattractive you end up looking yourself.

Original poster
TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 16:24

I’ve said countless times to just go and run off with her if that’s what he wants, and he just says he doesn’t want a relationship with her. So basically he just wants to fuck her. He’s apologized for making me upset, but he said he won’t apologize for fancying someone cuz he said its normal.

OP posts:
Takeabreather23 · 26/09/2023 16:25

He is vile there is things you just don’t do and that are automaticity out of bounds. Like your sisters man . Or your brothers wife .
( Your wife’s best friend) You just don’t !
He’s a scum bag who’s Been creeping after your friend for years .

You deserve better. .
What would I do ? Ask him to leave, he’s went too far .
Things would never be the same again.
This isn’t about your friend this is about who he really is .