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Original poster

Husband fancying someone else

177 replies

TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 10:27

Hi, I’m just wondering on what peoples opinions are on this subject …

Basically my husband has recently admitted to fancying my former friend ( long story ) for 20 years. He’s made all sorts of comments about how attractive he thinks she is, and how she’s a 9/10 ( I’m a 10/10 apparently). He said she’s the only girl he’d want a threesome with which upset me. He said she is the only person he’s looked at in that way the whole time we’ve been together ( together 20, married 15 ). He seems to think it’s perfectly normal for married guys or guys in a relationship to have a crush / soft spot for another girl and I’m just going over the top by being upset. He used to see her a fair amount as we’d all meet for food, drinks etc ( her husband too ), atleast once / twice a month before we fell out, now he doesn’t see her at all so i haven’t got to watch him lusting over her, but I just don’t like the idea that she’s always in his head and a reference to any other woman looks wise. I’ve got a few really attractive friends and have asked him if he thinks they’re more attractive than her, and he just laughs and says they’re not even in her league.
I know people are just going to say leave him, but he’s never acted like this in 20 years and if he never told me, I’d have no idea about what he thought.

OP posts:
Lampzade · 26/09/2023 12:14

Op, do you think that your former friend is aware that your dh fancies her?

omgsally · 26/09/2023 12:15

The moment any man in my life, husband or not, used the words 'slag vibes' it would be the end of the relationship. It's a vile misogynistic view and my estimation of them would plummet and be unrecoverable.

piscofrisco · 26/09/2023 12:16

No, my husband had r acted that way before either. Or he hid it better.

outerlope · 26/09/2023 12:19

I don't think this is or should be about her at all and the number of men she has slept with or number of affairs she has had are irrelevant really.

Personally I wouldn't be ok with this. We aren't talking about walking past a woman on the street, noticing she's attractive, having a fleeting sexual thought about her and then carrying on with your day.

He seems to be really into her - a very intense crush? - and has felt this way for a long time. I don't personally think it's normal in a relationship to have a crush on another person to the extent that you think about them all the time, compare all other women to her, talk about having a threesome with her!

I know my DH isn't blind. I know that if we meet up with an attractive friend he knows she's attractive. And while I don't love the thought, I know that he might even have the odd brief sexual thought about her. But I'd also like to think that for the most part as we socialise he's just actually having a conversation and not constantly thinking about how amazingly attractive she is and how all he can think of is having a threesome. I'd like to think that outside of the time we spend with her he doesn't particularly think about her any more than our other friends. Your DH knowing someone for years and having this much of a thing for her to the point it's kind of creepy and obsessive is just not something I would be ok with.

pikkumyy77 · 26/09/2023 12:19

He either is having an affair with her or he is planning one. This is “mentionitis” but on steroids. Hop over to Chumplady, the website for people whose spouse has cheated on them, and learn the script.

toomanyleggings · 26/09/2023 12:20

Christ. He might not have said it before but he must have shown some signs of being this awful. I couldn’t be happy with this sort of person. He sounds vile. These are vile things to verbalise to your wife

Hellosausag · 26/09/2023 12:24

Tell him he went too far telling you all that. If he wants to move past it he must never say anything like it ever again. My dp said some similar things early on in our relationship, I told him I wouldn’t stay with him if that’s what he was like. He stopped and 4 years later he’s never made another comment about another woman.

its up to you what you do now, but don’t accept this behaviour if it’s hurting you.

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 26/09/2023 12:29

How did this conversation arise? Did he volunteer the information or did he finally crack after being asked numerous times whether he fancied this woman?

Dayhee · 26/09/2023 12:37

What a bizarre conversation to have. What the hell made him bring that up!

theunbelievabletruth · 26/09/2023 12:39

Your posting on MN for advice on what to do in your relationship ? Really. ? Are you new here ?

There is only ONE answer to this question. It matters not if he has just snagged the entire hockey team and relayed it direct to your phone - or if he has grumbled about getting you an early morning cuppa.. the answer is ALWAYS leave him. It doesn't matter if such a move would leave you homeless and destitute.. along with your kids. The answer is leave him. In fact never ever consider a relationship with anyone who is not completely perfect in every way... at all times.

Meanwhile on planet Earth. Does your marriage make you happy ? If it does then talk to him about this issue. He might think he was being open and honest with you.. because fantasies are not real. In fact few people want to act out their fantasies in real life as they are often a disappointment .. looks like he read that wrong and overshared.

Personally it wouldn't bother me. It's clear he hasn't taken it further and has made you aware .. we can't control who we fancy . We can only control how we respond to it.. however If it does bother you and has closed your feelings for him , and leaving isn't a current option- start making plans.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/09/2023 12:43

I think your husband is cheating on you. I'd bet good money on it.

He said she’s the only girl he’d want a threesome with which upset me.

Even if he isn't, the comment above is more than enough to throw his arse out the door.

LuluLouise · 26/09/2023 12:50

Yeah I was wondering that too

Original poster
TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 12:52

There was 1 time when we were having drinks, and my friend bought up the subject of sex, I can’t remember exactly what. Months later she said she thought he fancied her cuz of the way he was looking at her that night. I didn’t notice it, and she even mentioned it to her husband and he said he thought she had it wrong. I just thought any man’s ears would pick up if another woman spoke about sex. Really didn’t think anything of it when she told me. I guess woman can generally tell if another guy likes them.

OP posts:
DRS1970 · 26/09/2023 12:54

I think most people are capable to have a crush on someone else other than their spouse. But they have the decency to keep it in their head rather than selfishly sharing it with their spouse.

Lampzade · 26/09/2023 12:55

TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 12:52

There was 1 time when we were having drinks, and my friend bought up the subject of sex, I can’t remember exactly what. Months later she said she thought he fancied her cuz of the way he was looking at her that night. I didn’t notice it, and she even mentioned it to her husband and he said he thought she had it wrong. I just thought any man’s ears would pick up if another woman spoke about sex. Really didn’t think anything of it when she told me. I guess woman can generally tell if another guy likes them.

So she was aware.
Sorry Op, but your dh sounds like a complete tool.

Ryeman · 26/09/2023 12:58

“He seems to think it’s perfectly normal for married guys or guys in a relationship to have a crush / soft spot for another girl”

It probably is normal, but you don’t tell your wife! What a fool.

RandomForest · 26/09/2023 13:00

Firstly, why have you fallen out with your friend ?

And secondly ask yourself why your h had decided to sabotage his own marriage, I would say that his talk of threesomes has damaged your relationship, the trust, respect and safeness has been destroyed, purposefully, he has created distance.

This would make me think that it's not your friend he is having an affair with, she is the smokecreen, she is the verbalized excuse of him disgarding you.

Cherchez la femme.
There could be someone else.

Mrsttcno1 · 26/09/2023 13:08

I think our partners developing a little crush on someone/finding someone else attractive at some point throughout a long term relationship is probably more common than we’d like to think, I think the real issue here is that your DH has mentioned all of this to you. That’s where the line is I think?

Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you suddenly think every other man/woman is repulsive, but I think him sharing this “crush” with you is very unfair and probably indicates that whatever it is, it’s more than just a little crush.

DH and I both have some attractive friends on both sides, and there’s been times where one of us might comment to the other that x is looking good for example, but it’s literally just a friendly “ah they look well”. There’s a difference between acknowledging that x looks good, and saying I want to have sex with x (essentially what your DH has said)!

Original poster
TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 13:13

I’m sure he would love to have an affair with her. She’s made comments in the past though about how he’s not her type and I can do a lot better. I thought it was bizarre because A- He’s a lot better looking than her husband, looks and body, and B- Having seen most of the men she has slept with, she really has no standards. I also thought it was weird that she would randomly just tell me she wasn’t into him from time to time, sometimes infront of her husband too, like she really wanted to drum it into us that she didn’t fancy him. It was quite weird, but again, never thought too much about it.

OP posts:
Startyabastard · 26/09/2023 13:17

DRS1970 · 26/09/2023 12:54

I think most people are capable to have a crush on someone else other than their spouse. But they have the decency to keep it in their head rather than selfishly sharing it with their spouse.

This. You deserve better, OP!

Dolores87 · 26/09/2023 13:18

TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 12:04

Advice. What would you do if this was your husband?

I would atleast ask him to stay elsewhere for a few days so we can have some space and to show just how upset I am by this.

Then what I would do would depend on how understanding he is when we talk after that.

If he seems to understand and be actually sorry about how gross this was of him I wouldn't end the relationship but I would make it clear that this women should have no part in our lives what so ever. If he doesn't get why it's a big deal I would consider ending the relationship.

Fallingthroughclouds · 26/09/2023 13:20

Yes it's common for married men and women to find other people sexually attractive, have crushes, enjoy their company etc. He's definitely rubbing your nose in it though and rating women out of 10 is cringey too.

Sunshinenrain · 26/09/2023 13:26

It is normal to have a crush/fancy someone else when you’re in a relationship.

It is absolutely not normal to tell your partner about it, especially in such detail.

How did this conversation come about?

Honestly, this isn’t normal.

He either wants your permission to have sex with her or has already had sex with her/has tried and she rejected him.

It’s possible he’s saying it to keep you away from her but again that would mean he’s had sex or tried to have sex with her.

Mrsttcno1 · 26/09/2023 13:35

TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 13:13

I’m sure he would love to have an affair with her. She’s made comments in the past though about how he’s not her type and I can do a lot better. I thought it was bizarre because A- He’s a lot better looking than her husband, looks and body, and B- Having seen most of the men she has slept with, she really has no standards. I also thought it was weird that she would randomly just tell me she wasn’t into him from time to time, sometimes infront of her husband too, like she really wanted to drum it into us that she didn’t fancy him. It was quite weird, but again, never thought too much about it.

I think there’s a few red flags in there to be honest. Her essentially telling you to leave him- maybe she wanted him single? And also her repeating to you and her husband that she’s not interested in him, to me that screams the opposite. The old “thou doth protest too much” comes to mind!

Isheabastard · 26/09/2023 13:35

It’s always surprising what comes out of their mouths.

I remember my ex being on the phone to a mate and saying something along the lines of “Ive now got to the age that if I see an attractive women I realise that she won’t be looking back at me and thinking the same thing”

That creeped me out! He said this when he was just over 60 and he’s never been an oil painting.

Where the fuck do they get their confidence because I want some.