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Original poster

Husband fancying someone else

177 replies

TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 10:27

Hi, I’m just wondering on what peoples opinions are on this subject …

Basically my husband has recently admitted to fancying my former friend ( long story ) for 20 years. He’s made all sorts of comments about how attractive he thinks she is, and how she’s a 9/10 ( I’m a 10/10 apparently). He said she’s the only girl he’d want a threesome with which upset me. He said she is the only person he’s looked at in that way the whole time we’ve been together ( together 20, married 15 ). He seems to think it’s perfectly normal for married guys or guys in a relationship to have a crush / soft spot for another girl and I’m just going over the top by being upset. He used to see her a fair amount as we’d all meet for food, drinks etc ( her husband too ), atleast once / twice a month before we fell out, now he doesn’t see her at all so i haven’t got to watch him lusting over her, but I just don’t like the idea that she’s always in his head and a reference to any other woman looks wise. I’ve got a few really attractive friends and have asked him if he thinks they’re more attractive than her, and he just laughs and says they’re not even in her league.
I know people are just going to say leave him, but he’s never acted like this in 20 years and if he never told me, I’d have no idea about what he thought.

OP posts:
Takeabreather23 · 26/09/2023 16:28

TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 16:04

I’ve never thought that she fancied him. She flirts with any guy with a pulse for a bit of attention tbh. He may of picked up the wrong vibe from her. All he’s really said about anytime he’s been round her without me, is she’s a lot more chatty/friendly/flirty compared to when I’m there. I did think this was a little odd as most of my friends are a little flirty infront of my husband, but they are infront of me too, so it’s not like they’re sneakily acting like that behind my back, if he’s ever in a situation to be round them without myself.

Has he maybe slept with her already ?
He seems to know so confidently how nobody is on her level !
I think you should ask him .

Spacemoon · 26/09/2023 16:38

There's nothing wrong with fancying other people when in a relationship. In my opinion, there's also nothing wrong with discussing it - DH and I discuss this a lot and often have a laugh and joke about it. We are both on the same page with this though. We know we are both just expressing who we find attractive and that it's all a bit tongue in cheek and we both have the same boundaries - it absolutely wouldn't be ok if one of us was uncomfortable with those kind of open chats.

However, the way he is speaking about her is disrespectful (to both you and her). I'd be most disgusted at the 'slag vibes' comment to be honest. I couldn't be with someone who spoke like this about women. But then again, you seem to think the number of men she has slept with is relevant in some way, so perhaps the 2 of you are on the same wavelength with this way of thinking.

Its a bit random that he's suddenly bought it up - was it completely out the blue? Was he a bit merry? Had you been arguing or having a lighthearted convo? I think why and how he bought it up is relevant here. Hard to think why this would ever come up in topic if it's not the usual way you 2 would talk, especially with you now not being friends with her.

truthhurts23 · 26/09/2023 16:39

Did his behaviour change whenever she was around? did you notice he fancied her before he told you?
this would honestly make me unattracted to my partner, knowing that he's lusting after my friend wtf ?? instant turn off, its the same level as being attracted to your sister, just not on
this could make things really awkward when she's around because he's told you he wants to fck her

Original poster
TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 16:43

We were on a big dog walk, chatting away as you do. And the subject of a threesome just randomly came up, I can’t remember how it got there. He basically just said he thinks he’d know who he’d pick if we had 1, and told me. I was kind of shocked so didn’t say much to start with. Initially he just told me he thought she was really attractive. Later down the line he told me she had a ‘really nice bum’. Then just little comments would come out every now and again.

OP posts:
Original poster
TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 16:46

At the time I never really noticed anything. But looking back; If we had a few drinks in town, and were walking to the next place, he would be chatting away with her ahead, leaving me and her husband to talk behind. He’d buy her drinks etc even if her husband was there too. I never thought that was overly suspicious at the time tbh.

OP posts:
Wellillsayitifnooneelsewill · 26/09/2023 16:50

I think he’s gearing up to fucking her if he hasn’t already and he’s laying down the smoke and mirrors tactics to desensitise you so he can hopefully get away with it which is a common mistake people do (somewhat like mentionitis/phone guarding etc. - they don’t realise they are doing it but it’s really obvious and has the undesired effect of making the partner ultra sensitive)

Red flags, alarm bells, warning sirens all over it and tbh - he sounds like a bit of creep.

I’d totally be on my guard and I’d be looking for clues and preparing to find things I didn’t like

hope for the best and prepare for the worst etc etc

Milkand2sugarsplease · 26/09/2023 16:58

It is one thing finding another human attractive, which is fine, totally natural. It's entirely another spending your entire relationship lusting after one of your wife's friends.

What would I do? Tell him he's been and absolute bell end and I deserved better than that.

Along with that, he's disrespectful stating she gives off "slag vibes". Who made him judge and jury about what's acceptable behaviour from her and what isn't.

Cheating on partners isn't great but having sex with more men than you (or he) deem appropriate isn't a crime.

You're either gonna have to tolerate how he is and move on together or have it out with him and find a mutually agreeable way of dealing with it and move on together or leave him and move on alone.

Original poster
TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 17:02

Although we’d been friends for that long, she was 1 of those friends that you’d go years without seeing at a time, get close again for a year or so and then repeat again. I’d say it was only the last couple of years we’d been quite close again, but that was also because my husband conveniently made friends with her husband.

OP posts:
FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 26/09/2023 17:03

Takeabreather23 · 26/09/2023 16:25

He is vile there is things you just don’t do and that are automaticity out of bounds. Like your sisters man . Or your brothers wife .
( Your wife’s best friend) You just don’t !
He’s a scum bag who’s Been creeping after your friend for years .

You deserve better. .
What would I do ? Ask him to leave, he’s went too far .
Things would never be the same again.
This isn’t about your friend this is about who he really is .

Someone got lost on the way to Nethuns.

How does someone "deserve better" who enjoys slagging off other women and getting her friends to do the same?

I think they deserve one another.

elm26 · 26/09/2023 18:02

I think it's normal to think another person is attractive, I think "fancying" them crosses a line and then he's told you about it including details of how he'd have a threesome with you both and he's crossed several lines.

Takeabreather23 · 26/09/2023 18:22

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 26/09/2023 17:03

Someone got lost on the way to Nethuns.

How does someone "deserve better" who enjoys slagging off other women and getting her friends to do the same?

I think they deserve one another.

Show quote history

I think I was late to the party with all
the other comments.

Yes I know who gets to call anyone a slut .
The “friend “ is slagged off from
one and wanted to be “shagged” by the other because she has that look /vibe.

Both need to work on morals and respect and being judgemental twats.

I still think they are better calling the marriage a day. The wife is clearly insecure and well who can blame her.

angieloumc · 26/09/2023 18:28

You both sound horrible, him for the way he speaks about women and you for the way you speak about your ex friend. Asking others what they think about her looks, are you 13?

FirehouseRock · 26/09/2023 18:28

This feels like it's been blown way out of proportion. He's been honest and maybe a little too honest for you. Set your own boundaries and make sure you communicate them. Life's too short. You fancy someone too, if not right now, you have in the past, and you will in the future. Enjoy your life. Ignore the posters that jump to conclusions.

Original poster
TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 18:31

I was generally interested in someone else’s point of view, neither myself or my friends slagged off her looks, they just gave their opinion and said they thought it was odd that he fancied her, and it must be how she acts round him.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 26/09/2023 18:34

and it must be how she acts round him

To which you should have replied "not entirely or at all - because I know he thinks she has a great arse".

How exactly is how she acts around him causing him to look at and lust after her arse?

Is there anything you're not going to make her responsibility?

Fallingthroughclouds · 26/09/2023 18:37

TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 18:31

I was generally interested in someone else’s point of view, neither myself or my friends slagged off her looks, they just gave their opinion and said they thought it was odd that he fancied her, and it must be how she acts round him.

Or they are lying to appease you, or people are attracted to different faces, or it has nothing to do with how she was acting and everything to do with how he is acting. This will not end well for you.

GilbertMarkham · 26/09/2023 18:39

Who made him judge and jury about what's acceptable behaviour from her and what isn't.

I have a sneaking suspicion that his assessment was influenced by op slagging her off )pun intended) the same way she has here.

"She's been with 100 men, she has no standards, you should see the state of the men she's been with, she'd flirt with anyone for a bit of attention".

Op's poison dripping and self righteousness has just backfired on her somewhat; because now op has a h who fancies and fantasises about her "mate" and is too stupid to keep it to himself when he got carried away on the subject of threesomes.
Though it sounds like he was perfectly capable of checking out her body and finding it attractive even aside from op's likely information.

Her problem is she thought her h would he disgusted by and look down on her ex "friend" too; only to find he absolutely doesn't when it comes to sex; her apparent promiscuity isn't a turn off when it comes to that (only that, of course).

Original poster
TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 18:43

Oh, and she told him she’s ‘been with’ woman before. That probably added to the list of things to make him lust after her more.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 26/09/2023 18:45

🙄

CandyLeBonBon · 26/09/2023 18:48

Your comments are just spiteful and bitchy now op. With friends like you who needs enemies eh?

GilbertMarkham · 26/09/2023 18:51

angieloumc · 26/09/2023 18:28

You both sound horrible, him for the way he speaks about women and you for the way you speak about your ex friend. Asking others what they think about her looks, are you 13?

Yup.

And she's still going.

Op should be documented as an example of internalised misogyny.

Still babbling on about this woman, instead of taking on board that no decent husband or partner would've voiced anything like this.

And also that his attitude to women stinks to high heaven.

Op seems to see him as some great prize.

He's good-looking, apparently.

She's tying herself up in knots at knowing he fancies another woman, but worse of all her inferior, not beautiful, slutty, low standarded ex "friend".

Anyone else would have told him to stfu when he started on about threesomes and saying he knew who he'd choose for a mff threesome (but he couldn't do a mmf because he's not gay, of course).

Why's he such a fkg prize?

Why's he pronouncing his cattle rating system on op and this woman?

And I think he knows the "just go to her then, if you want her !" Is just a bit of upset strop and op doesn't mean it at all.
It's clear where the balance of power lies very heavily in this relationship.

Fallingthroughclouds · 26/09/2023 18:52

I sense OP is going to get dumped any day now. I can't believe that people are pointing out how nasty she is being yet still she blindly persists. She must be very hard to live with.

GilbertMarkham · 26/09/2023 18:56

But very easy to manipulate.

She's one of those women who, when maltreated by a man, will focus on the other woman/women and compete for him and hang around letting him treat her badly for as long as he chooses.

Original poster
TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 19:00

I don’t blame my former friend for my husband fancying her, or wanting to fuck her. I’m simply trying to find out what it is about her that he likes, and the fact that she’s ‘slutty, flirty behind my back, has slag vibes, previously slept with woman’ may be a start.

OP posts:
Fallingthroughclouds · 26/09/2023 19:01

TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 19:00

I don’t blame my former friend for my husband fancying her, or wanting to fuck her. I’m simply trying to find out what it is about her that he likes, and the fact that she’s ‘slutty, flirty behind my back, has slag vibes, previously slept with woman’ may be a start.

You need to stop now before your mask slips in front of your remaining friends.