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Original poster

Husband fancying someone else

177 replies

TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 10:27

Hi, I’m just wondering on what peoples opinions are on this subject …

Basically my husband has recently admitted to fancying my former friend ( long story ) for 20 years. He’s made all sorts of comments about how attractive he thinks she is, and how she’s a 9/10 ( I’m a 10/10 apparently). He said she’s the only girl he’d want a threesome with which upset me. He said she is the only person he’s looked at in that way the whole time we’ve been together ( together 20, married 15 ). He seems to think it’s perfectly normal for married guys or guys in a relationship to have a crush / soft spot for another girl and I’m just going over the top by being upset. He used to see her a fair amount as we’d all meet for food, drinks etc ( her husband too ), atleast once / twice a month before we fell out, now he doesn’t see her at all so i haven’t got to watch him lusting over her, but I just don’t like the idea that she’s always in his head and a reference to any other woman looks wise. I’ve got a few really attractive friends and have asked him if he thinks they’re more attractive than her, and he just laughs and says they’re not even in her league.
I know people are just going to say leave him, but he’s never acted like this in 20 years and if he never told me, I’d have no idea about what he thought.

OP posts:
QueenofTerrasen · 26/09/2023 19:05

The way you speak about her is absolutely disgusting- no wonder you aren't friends anymore, what a lucky escape she had.
Your husband is the problem, not this woman. You sound spiteful, judgmental, jealous and bitter. If you want to keep any friends, do better.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 26/09/2023 19:05

This is starting to sound like a fetish, OP. Are you fantasising about your husband cheating on you?

You really are going on and on, repeating yourself, involving a friend that you no longer see and completely minimising what your husband does/says yet repeating his vile language to you here, again and again.

Ick.

perfectcolourfound · 26/09/2023 19:18

You're coming across as really bitter and nasty about your ex friend.

If she is all those horrible things you've said, why were you friends? You come across as really judgemental of who she is.

But she didn't make your DH fall for her. And he's not only lusting after her, but decided to hurt you by telling you too.

Be angry at him for his hurtful comments to you. Be angry at him for his vile mysogeny. But don't blame him if he fancies her.

perfectcolourfound · 26/09/2023 19:18

Sorry, I meant don't blame HER if he fancied her.

Original poster
TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 19:22

I 100 percent blame him for fancying her, not my former friend. It doesn’t matter how much she flirted with him, he shouldn’t have fallen for it and got carried away. He should just have tunnel vision, as I do.

OP posts:
Fallingthroughclouds · 26/09/2023 19:30

@TilllyPink

Can you in any way see, what you have repeatedly said on here is spiteful? We have gone way past your bf fancying your friend. A lot of us are quite shocked. Has this registered with you at all?

Original poster
TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 19:32

Do you think there is more to it then? He has feelings for her etc?

OP posts:
QueenofTerrasen · 26/09/2023 19:34

TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 19:32

Do you think there is more to it then? He has feelings for her etc?

How would we know?

Gagaandgag · 26/09/2023 19:34

Why did you fall out

Fallingthroughclouds · 26/09/2023 19:38

TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 19:32

Do you think there is more to it then? He has feelings for her etc?

I meant we have gone way past the fancying part on to, why are you so nasty about your friend (ex friend) you are skipping over everything people are warning you of. You have never acknowledged, not even once that your language and actions have been totally unacceptable and down right nasty at times. I've asked you a direct question and you completely skipped over it, then misread the only bit that matters to you. You are obsessed. I really don't think you should be in a relationship and your responses on here have been bizarre.

I think if someone told you your puppy had just died, your response would be....."so does that mean he just wants to fuck her or take it further". Maddening.

GilbertMarkham · 26/09/2023 19:39

*I’m simply trying to find out what it is about her that he likes"

Why?

GilbertMarkham · 26/09/2023 19:45

Anyway, he doesn't "like" her. He fancies her/is sexually attracted to her.

He's already told you he thinks she has a nice arse.

That he'd rate her 9 out of 10.

It's not clear whether her relative promiscuity and the "slut vibes" he claims he gets from her. (probably after you told him all about her personal business) is also a factor - it seems so.

He has made it clear he's sexually attracted to her but doesn't see her as relationship material .... So he doesn't "like" her.

What is it that you have such trouble processing re your h finding a woman sexually attractive? Isn't it normal for people to find other people sexually attractive, even when coupled up?
I do. I'm sure my h does.
I'm sure most ppl do.

Most ppl just don't tell their partners because they have a tap of discretion and respect.

I suspect you're freaked out by him being sexually attracted to a woman you consider considerably inferior to you and deeply flawed.

But he is. So accept that or get rid of him.

You should have known what type of man he is by the slut vibes comment and the rating system and the fact he thinks it's appropriate to launch into who he'd choose for a threesome. And I doubt there's no precedent for any of that. You were just fine with his misogyny because you are one yourself.

You're perhaps worried that he might cheat on you because he's sexually attracted to a type that youre not (or think you're not).

Takeabreather23 · 26/09/2023 19:51

He doesn’t have feelings .

The long and short of it is he thinks she’s up for sex and good at it and will sleep with women too!

Its a total fantasy ! And he’s a massive idiot !
He sounds like a teenager getting all carried away with the idea of sex!

Its embarrassing

Mumof118 · 26/09/2023 19:55

Are you in your 40’s then? It’s really strange behaviour for a married man of that age. Seems immature. Think that alone would put me off.

Original poster
TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 19:59

Both are 38, got together at 18. My friends are saying it’s just a mid life crisis, but he’s fancied her since he was 18, so it’s not something new, just new to me.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 26/09/2023 20:02

I guess when you explain the situation it came up it’s not like he deliberately just said it out loud one day to hurt you. Of course it’s a bit off and most women would be a bit hurt by it I’m sure. But re why he fancies her, people don’t always just go on looks, and it might be nothing to do with her past and the fact you think she’s a bit of a slag. People can be drawn by personalities when you get to know someone, shared values / hobbies etc.

I wouldn’t bother trying to work out why he fancies her, and just accept he does. Being in a relationship doesn’t stop you fancying other people, as long as he’s not constantly talking about this or acting on it I wouldn’t worry.

GilbertMarkham · 26/09/2023 20:32

as long as he’s not constantly talking about this or acting on it I wouldn’t worry

She should probably worry that he's an asshole though.

But then, she's not exactly come across well on this thread, has she?

Original poster
TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 20:35

Your comments aren’t really helpful are they.

OP posts:
Fallingthroughclouds · 26/09/2023 20:38

Does anyone else find it weird that OP hasn't acknowledged the fact that she's been so bitchy, despite so many people bringing it up. She's really blinkered.

yaboreme · 26/09/2023 21:06

TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 12:04

Advice. What would you do if this was your husband?

I'm sorry that you have had to hear that.

Honestly I think it's ok to be attracted to other people whilst married, it's normal. However if my husband basically told me that he had been lusting over my friend for years and still openly admitted he fancied her and would like to have sex with her, it would be over for me.

I don't see how I could continue to feel comfortable with him knowing that he would basically shag my friend if I gave him the go ahead.

It's super hurtful and I wouldn't trust him. Some people will think I'm over the top but it's way past my boundaries.

Flowers
FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 26/09/2023 21:08

I think if someone told you your puppy had just died, your response would be....."so does that mean he just wants to fuck her or take it further". Maddening

😬

I stand by the OP and her husband making a good pair.

MasterBeth · 26/09/2023 21:21

It's OK to find someone attractive. It's disrespectful to vocalise it to your partner of 20 years.

Dweetfidilove · 26/09/2023 21:56

TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 15:33

This is interesting because I personally don’t think she’s attractive. I’ve asked a few people I know the same thing and they’ve basically said maybe better than average, but couldn’t see why anyone would make a big fuss about her looks. Maybe it’s her past, or maybe even present that he’s attracted to, and he’s just put her on a pedestal in his head, imagining her to be better than what she actually is.

I knew if I read OP’s posts, we’d get to this eventually- so fucking predictable. You both deserve each other.

I bet she told you you deserved better, not because she fancied your stud, but because she was witnessing the leery fucker disrespect you.

Instead you’ve worked your way from your filthy husband dehumanising this woman to - her being flirty, her husband being below average (I bet he’s more respectful to his wife ), her sleeping with countless men and giving ‘slag vibes’, to her not being anything special…

Well she’s special enough for your husband to have fancied her for 20 years, and that’s not her fault, but slimeball’s.

I hope you keep hold of him, because no one else deserves him 😔

GilbertMarkham · 27/09/2023 07:28

TilllyPink · 26/09/2023 20:35

Your comments aren’t really helpful are they.

Mine?

Read the room ..... I'm in good company.

People are fairly appalled by you, and also incredibly frustrated by you.

And they actually are meant to be helpful .....
you seem to have him on a pedestal that he very clearly doesn't deserve to be on. You should probably take him off it.

And secondly; again, what is it that you can't process about your h being sexually attracted to this woman? Most ppl, even attached, will find others sexually attractive.
I presume it's because you think she's so inferior to you, or that he might cheat on you with so wine like her; because you're not like that, and you're freaked out that he is turned on by promiscuity etc. (??)

lap90 · 27/09/2023 08:20

It's normal for people to have crushes - even in a relationship.

Sounds like he's testing the waters with you for a threesome with your former friend.