Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend slept with someone else the day before our first kiss. I'm having trouble getting over it. How do I move past this?

194 replies

SashaDhawan · 26/09/2023 04:41

My boyfriend (25M) and I (21F) have been dating for a year and three months now. We have a great relationship and we really do love each other. We get along well, and all my friends and family love him too.

My only issue is that he is prone to hiding things from me and lying to me. I recently found out from an anonymous DM on Instagram the true way his parents found out about us (he lied about this), how long his previous relationship was (also lied about this) and the fact that he slept with someone else the day before we had our first kiss (I never knew and he never tried to tell me).

I'm having trouble getting over everything, especially after finding out he was intimate with someone the day before what was an important day to me, he was my first kiss. I just feel a little used, naïve and just overall icky. The reason I feel this way is because the girl he slept with is his older sister's friend. I have met her, I went to his older sister's hens weekend and she was there. Throughout his older sister's wedding week, she was there and present. She was apart of the dance I taught his older sister and her friends, she's just around a lot. I feel like a fool, because apparently a lot of people within his sister's friend group knew and I have just been so unaware and stupid, trying my best to get along with his older sister's friends to get closer to his sisters. The worst part I believe, is that after his sister's wedding, I called her out by name to my boyfriend and I said that I didn't think she likes me and that I got weird vibes from her. But my boyfriend played it off, and even when as far as to say he'd ask his sister if I wanted, which I obviously declined. I feel a little humiliated.

When my boyfriend and I spoke about this, his reasoning behind lying was that he didn't want his ex to have any part of our relationship, or the reason he didn't tell me about the girl he slept with was because he didn't want to make me uncomfortable.

I don't know how to get over this. It took me so long to get my retroactive jealousy in check when I found out he had a recent ex (we started talking early Feb 22', he broke up with his ex late January 22'), and now to throw in a girl he had a one night stand with the day before we kissed is hurting me like crazy. I've asked to have some space away but I'm not sure if things will ever go back to normal. My trust has been broken, I am genuinely so hurt and I have little faith that he's going to change. However, on the other hand, I truly do love him, and have imagined a future with him. He even gave me a promise ring and has openly spoken about marriage. He really is a great guy, he ticks all my boxes and loves me so much. I believe in his past he's just grown up hiding and lying from his family so it has just become a habit, but I am a very understanding person by nature and he knows this too. I feel like he takes advantage of that as I have forgiven him for lying to me before.

I know I'm young and if our relationship ends, it won't be the end of the world but I really do love him with everything I have. Please help me and give me some advice as to what I should do.

OP posts:
saffy2 · 27/09/2023 19:58

Lying of any sort is a hard no from me. And yes, I also would be disgusted if I kissed my long term boyfriend and then found out a year later he had shagged someone the night before. I can’t believe some of these replies to be honest. And I’m not 21, I’m almost 20 years older. I think your feelings are perfectly valid and actually I think he won’t change and you can do better.
lying is a dickhead move. And he does it regularly and without a care. I can’t believe anyone would think he’s in the right.

saffy2 · 27/09/2023 20:00

And your experience with this guy does not mean you’re not ready for a serious relationship. A relationship with a man who is trustworthy and committed and into you enough that after beginning to get to know you doesn’t jump into bed with another woman will be an entirely different kettle of fish. He is the issue here.

PeppermintMandy · 27/09/2023 20:24

Don’t ever lower your standards for a man. There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling icky that he slept with someone while flirting with and getting to know you. Is it “wrong” that he did it…no. But is it totally ok for that to be something you are not ok with & which doesn’t meet your standards? Absolutely.

Please don’t settle down with the first man you’ve kissed. You are learning g what is and isn’t ok for you in a partner at your age and that is totally fine.

laylababe5 · 27/09/2023 20:26

I'm sorry but I think you are overreacting. You hadn't even kisses when he slept with this other girl. Are you secure in your relationship? If so, and as long as his encounters with other women before you got together were consensual, then it's really none of your business.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 27/09/2023 21:14

You're dating a liar, it's up to you of you want to one day marry and make a family with a liar.
Just be prepared to be told "you knew I was like this when you married me"

Notbeinfunnehbut · 27/09/2023 21:37

As another poster put really articulately further up …
what is the likelihood that after they had sex they literally never spoke about it or referenced it again? Ever in conversation?…despite making you be around her frequently and allowing you to be the only person in the room who didn’t know ? I’d be livid at that humiliation

Elvic · 27/09/2023 21:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Tessabelle74 · 27/09/2023 22:20

OP,take it from someone who wasted 8 years on a liar, they never change. If he lies about stuff now, he always will and it WILL drag you down. You're still young, go out and enjoy that.
HE'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU

Anele22 · 27/09/2023 22:37

I think it does matter that he slept with someone 24 hours before your first kiss. Presumably the kiss didn't come out of the blue? You'd been texting, you were thinking about him, maybe hoping for a kiss. Did you assume he felt the same way? It's a shock then to find out that he was casually having sex with someone else.

Morganrae1 · 27/09/2023 22:53

Never ever trust a liar. I say this from experience.

Grandmanetty · 27/09/2023 23:20

I was shocked when I read your age as it sounded more like a teenager. Your boyfriend had a life before you, so what? It's not a big deal. If he had slept with her after kissing you then perhaps you had something to moan about. He does not have to discuss his past relationships with you unless he has interrogated you about yours. And the fact that he said your first kiss was special? Well it probably was to him. He may have kissed a lot of toads before he met his princess.

likethislikethat · 27/09/2023 23:29

Some lies mean nothing, either at the time or out of context later.

Other lies are deceitful at the time and also deceptive later.

Get rid of this jerk, irrespective of whether you think you are ready for a relationship.

You are not ready for nor do you deserve a relationship with this liar.

pollymere · 28/09/2023 13:29

My DH knew I was in the dregs of a relationship I was trying to salvage when we first kissed...

To quote Bridgerton, you may not be his first, but you can be his last.

If my lovely DH had thought about where I was the night before we formally got together the way you're thinking, we'd never have lasted.

Focus on what you have now, not what happened before you were a couple.

Mrsgreen100 · 28/09/2023 15:06

It’s all in your first paragraph ,
if he’s hiding things from you and lies in the first year
he will just get worse as the years roll on
you sound like such a lovely person, can’t help feeling there’s big red flags going on here
i would always look at his actions ahead of any word salad .
does not matter who likes him etc , it’s about how he makes you feel ,
my guess is that he’s not deserving of your trust

Sapphire3 · 28/09/2023 15:56

@pollymere So not the best job trying to salvage it then? But this is what we were talking about earlier, two kinds of people, some who can jump from one bed to another, some to whom it is a much more sacred thing. The original poster is clearly the second person, and doesn’t need to waste her time on this guy. By the sounds of it there’s plenty on the same page as him that would be happy with that start to a relationship anyway. The original poster didn’t have some random kiss with this guy, they built up to it messaging and getting to know each other, and he was casually shagging while he was doing that. Some people like lots of options, she doesn’t want to just be an option, she does well to make that choice as people like that don’t often stop looking for options.

Notbeinfunnehbut · 29/09/2023 08:25

Sapphire3 · 28/09/2023 15:56

@pollymere So not the best job trying to salvage it then? But this is what we were talking about earlier, two kinds of people, some who can jump from one bed to another, some to whom it is a much more sacred thing. The original poster is clearly the second person, and doesn’t need to waste her time on this guy. By the sounds of it there’s plenty on the same page as him that would be happy with that start to a relationship anyway. The original poster didn’t have some random kiss with this guy, they built up to it messaging and getting to know each other, and he was casually shagging while he was doing that. Some people like lots of options, she doesn’t want to just be an option, she does well to make that choice as people like that don’t often stop looking for options.

Edited

Very well put , it’s not wrong just different

Notbeinfunnehbut · 29/09/2023 08:25

Certainly doesn’t make the OP immature

RavenofEngland · 29/09/2023 12:19

A proper loving relationship needs to be based on mutual trust and respect. If he’s lying to you, he does not have this respect for you. This might sound hard but you will probably regret it in the long run. You need to confront him about it and either give him a chance to change or tell him you’ve had enough and dump his ass. You deserve better.

Frazzledstudentmom · 01/10/2023 18:31

My dh did similar. We've been together 14 years now. At the time I was hurt and had to decide whether I could move on from it. It was before we were properly together, and I had to move on or close that door.
If you're happy together, is it worth ending over?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread