My boyfriend slept with someone else the day before our first kiss. I'm having trouble getting over it. How do I move past this?

[SashaDhawan]

My boyfriend (25M) and I (21F) have been dating for a year and three months now. We have a great relationship and we really do love each other. We get along well, and all my friends and family love him too.

My only issue is that he is prone to hiding things from me and lying to me. I recently found out from an anonymous DM on Instagram the true way his parents found out about us (he lied about this), how long his previous relationship was (also lied about this) and the fact that he slept with someone else the day before we had our first kiss (I never knew and he never tried to tell me).

I'm having trouble getting over everything, especially after finding out he was intimate with someone the day before what was an important day to me, he was my first kiss. I just feel a little used, naïve and just overall icky. The reason I feel this way is because the girl he slept with is his older sister's friend. I have met her, I went to his older sister's hens weekend and she was there. Throughout his older sister's wedding week, she was there and present. She was apart of the dance I taught his older sister and her friends, she's just around a lot. I feel like a fool, because apparently a lot of people within his sister's friend group knew and I have just been so unaware and stupid, trying my best to get along with his older sister's friends to get closer to his sisters. The worst part I believe, is that after his sister's wedding, I called her out by name to my boyfriend and I said that I didn't think she likes me and that I got weird vibes from her. But my boyfriend played it off, and even when as far as to say he'd ask his sister if I wanted, which I obviously declined. I feel a little humiliated.

When my boyfriend and I spoke about this, his reasoning behind lying was that he didn't want his ex to have any part of our relationship, or the reason he didn't tell me about the girl he slept with was because he didn't want to make me uncomfortable.

I don't know how to get over this. It took me so long to get my retroactive jealousy in check when I found out he had a recent ex (we started talking early Feb 22', he broke up with his ex late January 22'), and now to throw in a girl he had a one night stand with the day before we kissed is hurting me like crazy. I've asked to have some space away but I'm not sure if things will ever go back to normal. My trust has been broken, I am genuinely so hurt and I have little faith that he's going to change. However, on the other hand, I truly do love him, and have imagined a future with him. He even gave me a promise ring and has openly spoken about marriage. He really is a great guy, he ticks all my boxes and loves me so much. I believe in his past he's just grown up hiding and lying from his family so it has just become a habit, but I am a very understanding person by nature and he knows this too. I feel like he takes advantage of that as I have forgiven him for lying to me before.

I know I'm young and if our relationship ends, it won't be the end of the world but I really do love him with everything I have. Please help me and give me some advice as to what I should do.

this guy sounds untrustworthy.

the sex with the other girl is a red herring because its not necessarily "cheating", The constant lying and obfuscation is your actual problem.

But if it's a dealbreaker for you thats fine actually.

Someone who constantly lies for no reason or delays the truth to trick you into behaviour or feeling a certain way is manipulative

remember you don't need a reason or wrong doing to break up someone

As you say your trust has been broken, then I think your only course of action is to end the relationship.

Because it doesn't matter whether other people would be OK with some or all of his choices, what matters is what you think.

And if you can't trust him, it's better to move on.

Can you explain more about his other lies? What he said to you and what the truth was?

Also, who on earth would send you such an anonymous DM. Mentioning his ex and his parents are really odd things to be told about.

I see the cool girls are out in force. No wonder so many end up in abusive relationships.

He lied to her and was screwing around whilst getting to know her. Perhaps you'd be OK with that but I wouldn't.

I’d be pretty perturbed that he’d told you so many lies, that someone felt compelled to send you an anonymous DM…

People with jealousy issues (you) can't be with people with truth issues (him). This is SUCH a bad combination. For example, you are being utterly ridiculous about pre-kiss shag girl, he could have avoided all of it if he'd just been honest when you asked about vibes.

Throw this one back, he's not for you.

It's not so much the sleeping with someone the day before you got together that would worry me (I do understand why you feel weird about this, I would too) but it's the lying that I find more troubling. The fact he knew exactly why the other girl didn't appear to lie you but acted all innocent is pretty deceptive. He hasn't got your back.

Honestly I would bin him. As you say, your young and it won't be the end of the world. The last thing you want is to get saddled with this liar for the long term.

Op he had a life before you. You don’t need to know these things, many married couples don’t know about each others sexual pasts. I have never asked, because I don’t want to know. As for the lying, if this is linked to his past or things which are non of your business?

Everyone you have a relationship with in the future will have a past. If you are jealous it will eat you up inside, you need to find a way of this not being an issue. The lying however is a big red flag, and you need to be able to talk these things through with him and be happy with his response/reasons. Trust your gut instinct.

He was right to hide it though. You obviously cannot handle it. You need to appreciate that you had not even kissed him, he was free to do as he pleased. It does not impact on whether the kiss was special to him.

I do not think you are mature enough for a serious relationship to be honest.

You can't change his past. However, your feelings about his sleeping with the sister's friend are completely valid - they are YOUR feelings, you have high moral standards and want someone with the same values as you - nothing wrong in that at all.
However, if this is all part of pattern of concealing things and/or lying then I'd say you are discovering just who he is. If you marry or stay together this is likely to continue, you will never feel you are on solid ground with him and will always be on the alert. He may lie or not tell you about things that are totally innocuous, its just his ingrained pattern of behaviour. Even if "he settles down" you may never feel totally relaxed. If you have children you may be worried about the money situation, if the mortgage is being paid, is he really working late etc. Only you can decide if you want the crazy making drama and feeling unsettled and "triggered" into reaction going forward and if ultimately his values align with yours. You could also explore your own upbringing and personality type (so much stuff online) and see if something in your make up or upbringing has made you fall hard for a man like this (e.g. craving the attention of a man without thinking about if they deserve you, being a people pleaser, not feeling quite worthy, never feeling quite sure what reception you will get from a parent etc).

Give some examples of the lies he has told. Lies would be killer for me.
I'm sure you know it was actually his sister's friend who sent the DM - did you show it to him? My gut says he's still messing around with her so she is trying to out his lies!

Him sleeping with someone else before you were together is not a big deal.
everything else you’ve said though makes him a walking red flag.

There is a whole jar of red herrings here:

Was he cheating? No, you weren't together. Does a casual shag mean he was insincere about liking you? Not necessarily. Should he have told you about it straight away? Well. i don't think you would have wanted to know. Could he help having a recent breakup? No. Do you come across a bit intense? Maybe. I think you're a perceptive person, have detected something wrong long ago and have been trying to puzzle it out on Reddit etc.

So what's the issue in my opinion?

He is a dishonest man. Could be deep seated and from a source that is not his fault. He doesn't have to be an awful person to not make you happy or be trustworthy. However, he seems to lie habitually to control the world around him and make life, in his view, easier and remove challenges and difficult conversations. This takes away your full awareness of a situation and removes your decision making ability as you don't have the full picture. It also leaves you feeling foolish when the truth inevitably does out. So it's all about his own convenience.

Drama also seems to follow him around. It could just be bad luck but but it isn't usual to have messages flying around regarding a casual shag ages ago when he wasn't cheating. I would bet too that it was the sister's friend or pals sending that message. I know plenty of people from cultures that don't endorse dating and folk don't generally grass each other up to parents. Is this a trail of aggrieved women forming? I'm sure that wouldn't be his story but do you suppose he may have been lying to them too?

You're 21. Have fun, explore the world. Maybe look out for an honest, kind and interesting guy. All of this isn't it. You can't change someone and shouldn't get into the trap of trying. Lying comes very easily to him.and that will get more and more frustrating and wrong footing for you.

He's on about marriage. Ok, but imagine this IS your marriage. Constant little lies (you won't be able to identify what is true and what isn't as he is so practiced) and you feeling you have the wool permanently over your eyes to maintain things as he likes them. Where is your agency in this situation?

You understand why he was originally untruthful with his parents?
Because you were also being untruthful with your parents.
Who I guess you love?

Perhaps a climate of subterfuge, hiding truths for the purpose of not getting a bad reaction, becomes a habit?

Maybe he didn’t tell you about the ONS because he doesn’t ‘kiss and yell’ and wanted to protect her confidentiality?

In any case IMO you are over reacting to the fact that it happened, given the stage your relationship was at, but after you raised her attitude to you he should have said ‘oh, there is a bit of history there’,

The ex or the ONS woman are now clearly making trouble, and succeeding, with DMs.

I think you and your DP need to talk about the whole way you operate as a couple given the context of secrecy all round.

I am not blaming you for trying to keep things from your parents…but just think about why you wanted to hide the truth from them and how your Bf is caught up in the same dynamic.

You’re only 21 years old- relationships should be fun!

This is too intense, too laden with drama .

He bought you a promise ring? He’s openly talked about marriage? You see a long term future with him? Sorry but all things a 20 something lad says to get you into bed.

It’s all too much too soon. Too intense, too much psycho analysis of feelings . 12 months is far too soon to start planning a future, particularly when you’ve only just left school/college.

I honestly don’t remember the date of any of my First kisses! For me that’s not a landmark or a significant anniversary .

If it’s not fun and he doesn’t make you feel good then end it.
This means you were probably in love with the idea of him- the reality doesn’t match up.

times have definitely changed

I agree with your post entirely, but just a point on "times have changed" .... They actually haven't.

And I say that because I guarantee that if op had done this to him (including having him around the guy she'd fucked 24 hrs before she kissed him for the first time in their relationship) and he found out about it, and his friends and family found out about it; they would not consider her to be a nice girl. Or relationship material, or wife material. That is still the reality.

That's without getting onto all the other lying.

I wouldn't want my child, make or female, settling for someone like this at any age, let alone 21 yrs old.

He needs to be your ex boyfriend.

Everyone you have a relationship with in the future will have a past

Lol

Like many ppl, I'd prefer their past didn't involve having their dick up some else 24 hrs before they were intimate with me for the first time in our relationship.

How special.

And, believe me, most men, feel exactly the same - in fact I'd say even more strongly. I'd love to see this situation with the shoe on the other foot ..... I think op would be being calling a few names, and I doubt marriage would be being talked about.

Well she can't have been that good a shag otherwise he wouldn't have been kissing you the next day. Now move on enjoy your life together and don't over think things.................

He wasn't right to hide it at all - he made a fool of her, leaving her in the dark, in front of his sister and her friendship group and the woman he shagged.

He wouldn't have liked it done to him.

She even mentioned the woman's attitude and he lied by omission in response.

As to "handling" it, who knows if op would be continued seeing him if she'd known at the start. Possibly not, and that would be been entirely understandable. It's not the start to a serious relationship that most ppl, with standards, with be happy with.

If she can't "handle" it now, that would be because of the entirely natural and understandable discomfort at his behaviour in doing that, but also what he did in keeping her in the dark about it, while everyone else around her knew. Even when she mentioned the weird attitude from his very recent fuck partner.

(And if the fuck partner was ok with it, she'd not have had an attitude, so it seems like maybe he used her/maybe she thought it was the start of something too).

Op is not too immature for a relationship, he is.

What an unbelievably shitty thing to say to a young woman.
What standards to set for her.

I’m really grateful to see answers on here that don’t downgrade the OP, and her expectations of love. OP please don’t give up on the idea of a loving and lasting relationship with someone that has good moral values, and strongly desires you/ is fully focused on you, when he is pursuing you.

You do not need to, and should not, settle for this guy. You are on different planets in terms of what a relationship means to you, and I can only see it getting worse.

the guy is, manipulative, a liar, non sentimental, he wasn’t serious about his initial interactions with you as he was screwing other people, his moral compass is way off.

There are plenty of women out there who are on the same planet as him, and can have a nice toxic relationship of “screwing others before the exclusive chat” - and this IS a new thing, never has society sunk so pathetically low as now. If some guy is pursuing me, I wouldn’t give him the time of day if I knew he was pursuing and screwing others, I wouldn’t give him the time of day unless I was really into him also. Don’t set your bar as low as lots of the women/ girls on here. Leave him to a girl like that….leave those men to girls like them….

find yourself someone lovely who has the same values as you, please break up with him, I really don’t want you to suffer in the future which I believe you will with this man. Imagine how different it could be, fondly remembering the getting to know each other stage and your first kiss. He ruined that, you can still have that in the future with someone you DO marry, a good loving moral man who treats you like a queen.

OMFG

This, totally, although I do understand your embarrassment with the sister's friend! What he did before the two of you became a couple is not your business. Lying by omission about things before you became a couple .... I think is acceptable. However, lying to you once you are a couple ... in my book that's unacceptable.

Don’t set your bar as low as lots of the women/ girls on here. Leave him to a girl like that….leave those men to girls like them….

Hear fucking hear.