My boyfriend slept with someone else the day before our first kiss. I'm having trouble getting over it. How do I move past this?

[SashaDhawan]

My boyfriend (25M) and I (21F) have been dating for a year and three months now. We have a great relationship and we really do love each other. We get along well, and all my friends and family love him too.

My only issue is that he is prone to hiding things from me and lying to me. I recently found out from an anonymous DM on Instagram the true way his parents found out about us (he lied about this), how long his previous relationship was (also lied about this) and the fact that he slept with someone else the day before we had our first kiss (I never knew and he never tried to tell me).

I'm having trouble getting over everything, especially after finding out he was intimate with someone the day before what was an important day to me, he was my first kiss. I just feel a little used, naïve and just overall icky. The reason I feel this way is because the girl he slept with is his older sister's friend. I have met her, I went to his older sister's hens weekend and she was there. Throughout his older sister's wedding week, she was there and present. She was apart of the dance I taught his older sister and her friends, she's just around a lot. I feel like a fool, because apparently a lot of people within his sister's friend group knew and I have just been so unaware and stupid, trying my best to get along with his older sister's friends to get closer to his sisters. The worst part I believe, is that after his sister's wedding, I called her out by name to my boyfriend and I said that I didn't think she likes me and that I got weird vibes from her. But my boyfriend played it off, and even when as far as to say he'd ask his sister if I wanted, which I obviously declined. I feel a little humiliated.

When my boyfriend and I spoke about this, his reasoning behind lying was that he didn't want his ex to have any part of our relationship, or the reason he didn't tell me about the girl he slept with was because he didn't want to make me uncomfortable.

I don't know how to get over this. It took me so long to get my retroactive jealousy in check when I found out he had a recent ex (we started talking early Feb 22', he broke up with his ex late January 22'), and now to throw in a girl he had a one night stand with the day before we kissed is hurting me like crazy. I've asked to have some space away but I'm not sure if things will ever go back to normal. My trust has been broken, I am genuinely so hurt and I have little faith that he's going to change. However, on the other hand, I truly do love him, and have imagined a future with him. He even gave me a promise ring and has openly spoken about marriage. He really is a great guy, he ticks all my boxes and loves me so much. I believe in his past he's just grown up hiding and lying from his family so it has just become a habit, but I am a very understanding person by nature and he knows this too. I feel like he takes advantage of that as I have forgiven him for lying to me before.

I know I'm young and if our relationship ends, it won't be the end of the world but I really do love him with everything I have. Please help me and give me some advice as to what I should do.

Either accept things as they or break up, you can't or won't succeed at 'yeah but this needs to happen' also 'yeah but I love them' is as old as time

Move on if you can't accept it just don't keep on repeating the same issue for the next one and the next one and on and on

You are being ridiculous. If you weren’t exclusive then he can do what he wants. Sounds like you are sl** shaming him. Of course he doesn’t tell you things if this is how you react.

It sounds like you got the ick.

You’ve only been dating just over a year and he’s already lied to you several times? If he was so concerned about your feelings he wouldn’t have done what he did, not lied afterwards to cover his own back.

How were you two before your kiss? Were you dating/ a couple before then? If so, that’s cheating.

You are very young and really don’t need to be dealing with feeling uncomfortable or insecure. This girl is a friend of his sister, so she’s always going to be around. Are you really prepared to be able to manage your feelings around her or worried to bump into her at family occasions?

Why do you feel the need to be closer to his sisters? Are you keen to make a good impression or get in their good books so they ‘approve’ of you?

The chances are that this girl or his sisters sent that anon dm.

Unsure how to reply to comments on here!! Thank you for the advice so far

How were you two before your kiss? Were you dating/ a couple before then? If so, that’s cheating.

Bonkers. If they hadn't even kissed, they weren't in a relationship. He didn't need to tell you anything.

OP, you don't sound ready for a relationship. It's all very intense.

Regardless, you are way too young to be thinking of marriage.

Unsure how to reply to comments on here!!

You can quote them, to reply to a specific comment, or just continue to post.

At the time of our kiss we had basically just started texting and getting to know each other. Now that I write that, I feel like I may be overreacting. It's just hurtful because he always says our first kiss was such a big thing, and he always makes a big deal out of it. So, personally, to know that he was intimate with someone less than 24 hours earlier kind of makes me sick to my stomach. Am I being too naive?

I don't believe I am slut shaming him, just hurt that he hid this from me. Especially, when the girl is someone I see regularly.

I understand he didn't have to tell me anything, it's just changed my perspective of him? Maybe I just don't know him well enough. Definitely not ready for marriage lol!! He is just someone who I can see myself with in the future, waaaaaaay into the future

The lies are very bad news. I say listen to your gut.
He doesn't sound honest. You're so young, ditch him if he's not right. You've got all the time in the world.

@EarringsandLipstick I know several couples who didn’t kiss / get physical until they were exclusive/ in a relationship. That’s why I asked the OP to clarify. But she said they weren’t, so it’s not cheating.

OP - you’ve already said that he lies a lot. Maybe he’ll end up being the love of your life and this is just a hiccup, but it sounds like way too much drama / hurt feelings this early on. What I’ve learnt is that the things that bother you at the beginning of a relationship usually stays. It’s up to you whether you think you can deal with it or not.

You could give him one more chance, just to be sure. And if you caught him in a lie again, you know it’s a pattern of his personality and be done with it.

What kind of things has he lied about?

He lied to me about how his parents found out. My boyfriend and I come from ethnic backgrounds, and were trying to keep our relationship on the downlow so both our parents don't find out. Just last week, he admitted that his ex actually called up his mum and basically exposed us very early on into our relationship. Which in turn, I had to tell my parents as well because I didn't want them to find out via other means.

Other things I can't put online, but he hides them from me and tells me much later. Some things I find out a week later and some I find out months later. He says he doesn't want me to see him as a bad person but every time he hides something from me, I grow more and more distant.

Lies are a deal breaker (for me). I really hate them. IMO you can't have a healthy relationship with someone who continually doesn't tell the truth.

I believe in his past he's just grown up hiding and lying from his family so it has just become a habit, but I am a very understanding person by nature and he knows this too. I feel like he takes advantage of that as I have forgiven him for lying to me before.
Other things I can't put online, but he hides them from me and tells me much later. Some things I find out a week later and some I find out months later. He says he doesn't want me to see him as a bad person but every time he hides something from me, I grow more and more distant.

Lying is a very serious red flag.

I don't think him sleeping with someone 24hr ls before is a big deal. He didn't know the future, didn't know the first kiss was coming nor where it would lead. You were only texting, not in a relationship. It would've been an issue if he'd slept with her 24 hours after, but generally what people do before is up to them and only an issue if there's other insecurities...

Which it sounds like there is. Regardless of whether his action was fair enough, if it's put you off him, so be it. Likewise the lies. There may be a reason he kept things back, if he felt like it would upset you more. Maybe he's insecure too, and you both don't sound ready for a mature relationship together, definitely not for marriage. If you're feeling red flags, ditch him and get some more experience. To marry the first guy you've kissed, he'd have to be a much better bet than this.

Now that I write that, I feel like I may be overreacting. It's just hurtful because he always says our first kiss was such a big thing, and he always makes a big deal out of it.

May be? That's an understatement!

Why does what happened before he kissed you invalidate what he says about your first kiss or anything that's happened since?

Are they actually lies he's telling you, or omissions? What do you think is his motivation for the lies? So he can do dubious things or because he thinks you're going to go off on one if he tells you the truth?

Whatever the reason he feels he can't be honest with you, the lies aren't good and you neither of you can communicate effectively within your relationship.

This all sounds like juvenile TOWIE bullshit, you don't need this in your life.

You need to stop focusing on the woman he slept with before you were together and the ex

You need to concentrate on the fact he lies to you regularly

That's the red flag.

You can literally never trust anything he says is true.

You can literally never trust anything he says is true.

this ^

This is everything Sorry.

My only issue is that he is prone to hiding things from me and lying to me.

your ‘only issue’ is an absolute relationship killer. End it. Your marriage would be miserable. He is not a good person.

he also cheated on you and made out you were tge one in the wrong when you knew something wasnt right.

He does niothave good moral values.

end it.

He's your first kiss/relationship and you describe 'retroactive jealousy' he had a life prior to you in his mid 20s.
I feel even using this term is a bit bonkers and reddit-esque!

This x a million.

You can never trust a word he says. Do you want to live like that every day for the rest of your relationship?

It seems a bit harsh to invalidate my feelings. I really can't help feeling this way, maybe that's the sign I needed to confirm I'm not ready for a serious relationship. I can't really explain it but it is how I feel.

Hi OP

Yes I think the lying is a serious red flag. I’d have a serious talk with him about why he lies to you and how this needs to stop. Otherwise this relationship can’t continue. Trust is absolutely key. Just think about all other things he could potentially be dishonest about in your relationship. I know you love him but you’re very young and it may feel like you will never get over him, but you will.

The kiss and the ex girlfriend are a bit of a red- herring.

It’s the lying that’s the problem.

And the gas lighting about the other woman. Your gut was right- she is jealous of you, but he tried to make out you had the problem rather than admitting there was history there.

Sadly, I think the lying to his parents about his relationship ( while understandable ) has made him a bit too casual about lying about stuff to loved ones.