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Original poster

My boyfriend slept with someone else the day before our first kiss. I'm having trouble getting over it. How do I move past this?

194 replies

SashaDhawan · 26/09/2023 04:41

My boyfriend (25M) and I (21F) have been dating for a year and three months now. We have a great relationship and we really do love each other. We get along well, and all my friends and family love him too.

My only issue is that he is prone to hiding things from me and lying to me. I recently found out from an anonymous DM on Instagram the true way his parents found out about us (he lied about this), how long his previous relationship was (also lied about this) and the fact that he slept with someone else the day before we had our first kiss (I never knew and he never tried to tell me).

I'm having trouble getting over everything, especially after finding out he was intimate with someone the day before what was an important day to me, he was my first kiss. I just feel a little used, naïve and just overall icky. The reason I feel this way is because the girl he slept with is his older sister's friend. I have met her, I went to his older sister's hens weekend and she was there. Throughout his older sister's wedding week, she was there and present. She was apart of the dance I taught his older sister and her friends, she's just around a lot. I feel like a fool, because apparently a lot of people within his sister's friend group knew and I have just been so unaware and stupid, trying my best to get along with his older sister's friends to get closer to his sisters. The worst part I believe, is that after his sister's wedding, I called her out by name to my boyfriend and I said that I didn't think she likes me and that I got weird vibes from her. But my boyfriend played it off, and even when as far as to say he'd ask his sister if I wanted, which I obviously declined. I feel a little humiliated.

When my boyfriend and I spoke about this, his reasoning behind lying was that he didn't want his ex to have any part of our relationship, or the reason he didn't tell me about the girl he slept with was because he didn't want to make me uncomfortable.

I don't know how to get over this. It took me so long to get my retroactive jealousy in check when I found out he had a recent ex (we started talking early Feb 22', he broke up with his ex late January 22'), and now to throw in a girl he had a one night stand with the day before we kissed is hurting me like crazy. I've asked to have some space away but I'm not sure if things will ever go back to normal. My trust has been broken, I am genuinely so hurt and I have little faith that he's going to change. However, on the other hand, I truly do love him, and have imagined a future with him. He even gave me a promise ring and has openly spoken about marriage. He really is a great guy, he ticks all my boxes and loves me so much. I believe in his past he's just grown up hiding and lying from his family so it has just become a habit, but I am a very understanding person by nature and he knows this too. I feel like he takes advantage of that as I have forgiven him for lying to me before.

I know I'm young and if our relationship ends, it won't be the end of the world but I really do love him with everything I have. Please help me and give me some advice as to what I should do.

OP posts:
Janieforever · 26/09/2023 10:12

GG1986 · 26/09/2023 10:07

If I found out my boyfriend had slept with someone 24 hours before our first kiss, whether you were "exclusive" or not, I would be pissed off and upset too, especially if it was someone within his family group who he will still see and you may see too. He doesn't tick all the boxes, he has lied to you numerous times, that's a red flag! At 21 I would probably move on and enjoy your young single days.

Genuinely? Would you? He wasn’t even her boyfriend. What is the period of chasity you require before a man can kiss you?

MaudGonneOutForAFag · 26/09/2023 10:12

I’m not sure why you’re fixating on a ONS that predates your first kiss when the fact that you say your boyfriend is a chronic liar should immediately give you ample reason to end things.

Janieforever · 26/09/2023 10:15

GG1986 · 26/09/2023 10:07

If I found out my boyfriend had slept with someone 24 hours before our first kiss, whether you were "exclusive" or not, I would be pissed off and upset too, especially if it was someone within his family group who he will still see and you may see too. He doesn't tick all the boxes, he has lied to you numerous times, that's a red flag! At 21 I would probably move on and enjoy your young single days.

I’m so bemused by this and curious. Do you ask men when the last time they slept with someone was before you let them kiss you? As said, what’s the period of chasity you require? Do you then tell them they need to wait this period before they can kiss you? So for example if it’s a week of Chasity and he says he slept with someone 3 days ago, do you say ok you can kiss me in 4 days?

SleepingStandingUp · 26/09/2023 10:18

Look if DH had had a one night stand the night before our first date, I'd feel a bit ick too. Like you knew you were going on a date with someone but you had to get in a quick random fuck before you got a gf. But it's also not his issue in terms of having done anything wrong. He didn't tell you cos frankly,how do you bring that up?

So what did you do last night? I was so nervous I barely slept
Oh went out and banged some woman, didn't take her number though so don't worry.

However it isn't just this. He lied about his parents knowing about you, a vindictive ex, and other stuff you won't post. You can't actually trust anything he does or doesn't say. Time to dump the fibby fishy back in the sea

CapEBarra · 26/09/2023 10:19

He owes you no explanation about sleeping with someone else before you got together. If anything, he has been respectful to the girl by keeping it a private matter - I wouldn’t want my sex life talked about all over the place. Provided he wasn’t dating you he had as much right in anyone else to be ‘balls deep’ in whoever wanted him.

The lies are a different matter and that’s something you need to think about carefully. I wouldn’t want to be with a man who thought it was ok to lie to me.

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/09/2023 10:58

You can see yourself with him into the future? Look carefully because what you can see there is a life with a liar and with someone who isn't open with you. That will be a very sad and long life. There are other men around who are much nicer than this one, and you would have a much nicer life with them.

novalia89 · 26/09/2023 11:05

I totally understand. You were excited about the initial stage and building up everytime you saw him. You wanted the first kiss to be special and then build up the excitement for the next 'base', then eventually build up the excitement for when you first had sex. However, now you realise that HE didn't have that same excitement and anticipation for your kiss, because he was at the end stage with someone else and was blasé about it, so must be blasé about your kiss. How could he be excited about your kiss if he was throwing away sex with someone else?

This happened at the start of a relationship with my ex and it is hurtful. Ignore all the messages about it not being 'exclusive'. It is hurtful if you don't value the relationship and aren't excited in the same way as each other.

The other hurtful part is the lying. Why keep it secret? You know full well that he wouldn't have told you at the time and that makes you question if you can trust him. He misled you. It's not a case of two people, totally unattached having a one night stand and knowing that it is what it is. There was disrespect towards you. It's your decision, but I totally understand your feelings.

novalia89 · 26/09/2023 11:07

SleepingStandingUp · 26/09/2023 10:18

Look if DH had had a one night stand the night before our first date, I'd feel a bit ick too. Like you knew you were going on a date with someone but you had to get in a quick random fuck before you got a gf. But it's also not his issue in terms of having done anything wrong. He didn't tell you cos frankly,how do you bring that up?

So what did you do last night? I was so nervous I barely slept
Oh went out and banged some woman, didn't take her number though so don't worry.

However it isn't just this. He lied about his parents knowing about you, a vindictive ex, and other stuff you won't post. You can't actually trust anything he does or doesn't say. Time to dump the fibby fishy back in the sea

This exactly. If you know that you were extremely nervous about that date and you didn't sleep, did all your body maintenance and makeup and was massively excited about your first kiss at taking the first step and then you found that he had had throwaway sex the night before without a thought of you it is very hurtful no matter how much you say 'but you weren't exclusive'.

Whiskerson · 26/09/2023 11:11

SashaDhawan · 26/09/2023 05:23

At the time of our kiss we had basically just started texting and getting to know each other. Now that I write that, I feel like I may be overreacting. It's just hurtful because he always says our first kiss was such a big thing, and he always makes a big deal out of it. So, personally, to know that he was intimate with someone less than 24 hours earlier kind of makes me sick to my stomach. Am I being too naive?

Show quote history

You're not overreacting. You are a normal human being with feelings. He's been trying to have his cake and eat it. I don't understand people who have all these irons in the fire at the same time. I was burned by someone like that in the last and I don't think I could trust them again.

LemonTT · 26/09/2023 11:12

My take is that his life is full of suffocating expectations from you and his parents. Instead of developing boundaries he has decided to lie and and deceive. He will probably break out and lie about it in the future.

If he was on here I would advise him to set boundaries and stop lying.

OP you seem to have a lot of rules in your life either set by you or your parents/ culture. IMO these rules will never replace mutual respect or trust freely given between people. You don’t have trust or respect between you and your boyfriend. He has no intention or ability to adhere to the rules so he lies about it. That behaviour is probably engrained and he won’t be able to have a healthy relationship with you.

My advice is to end this and do some work on yourself. Learn about boundaries and trust.

QuickFetchTheCoffee · 26/09/2023 11:15

Your OP says it all. If you feel like you need to "move past this", your instincts are telling you this isn't the right man for you.

jolaylasofia · 26/09/2023 12:28

Sapphire3 · 26/09/2023 09:30

He is not a good man OP. As some others have said, it seems there is a vendetta against him, this girl he shagged probably thought something was happening between them, have you heard her side of it? It seems he wronged her also, and she’s not over it.

A lot of soulless people on here, who may be content with that sort of relationship, but don’t you dare gaslight and manipulate OP to believe she is “not mature”, “not ready for a relationship” “insecure” or any other number of slurs against her beautiful character. If you were my daughter OP I would be devestated if this situation changed you and hardened you to become like some of the women on here. With the right person, love is a beautiful thing. Everyone has flaws, but lack of character (which your boyfriend has) lying and manipulating, are huge red flags and unlikely to ever change. Either way, the beginning of your relationship will never be able to be changed, he made that choice.

Think logically about it, do you think they shagged and then that was it he never spoke to her or referenced it ever again? It was one relationship bleeding into another where he had his fun, dropped her (maybe) and then was kissing you.

He’s scum OP and you have instincts for a reason, to protect you from what is wrong for you. I had an ex like this, and he belonged with someone else with loose morals, no matter how wonderful it felt between us, his lying, gaslighting, projection of his own behaviours, and other women destroyed the bond. He did that, and I deserved better. Don’t be like me pushing aside what your instincts tell you is unacceptable, until years later. Get out!

seriously what? someone is scum because they didn't inform her of his past sex life before they entered into a relationship, or he's scum because he didn't tell her how he managed the situation with his parents?? wtf seriously??

Sensoria · 26/09/2023 12:31

Cockmigrant · 26/09/2023 10:10

Other things I can't put online, but he hides them from me and tells me much later. Some things I find out a week later and some I find out months later. He says he doesn't want me to see him as a bad person but every time he hides something from me, I grow more and more distant

@SashaDhawan
What are these things? You don't have to give exact details but some kind of indication might be useful.
Because as your OP stands I think you are overreacting. He had a one night stand before he got together with you. Then he kissed you (within 24 hours of the one night stand). He did nothing wrong. What he does with someone else before your relationship begins is nothing to do with you. He didn't cheat.

But now you say he is hiding other things from you and that is making you become more distant from him.
I don't think there is much future in this if he is behaving like this. And depending on what the things are they could be screaming red flags too.

I agree. It is very relevant. OP also mentioned that she had to tell her family sooner than planned, so presumably she was also keeping secrets and lying to her family. I completely understand why she needed to do that, but it does suggest that she could be overreacting to her boyfriend having the same issues with his family, hence the need for more info.

Snugglemonkey · 26/09/2023 13:26

GilbertMarkham · 26/09/2023 09:17

He wasn't right to hide it at all - he made a fool of her, leaving her in the dark, in front of his sister and her friendship group and the woman he shagged.

He wouldn't have liked it done to him.

She even mentioned the woman's attitude and he lied by omission in response.

As to "handling" it, who knows if op would be continued seeing him if she'd known at the start. Possibly not, and that would be been entirely understandable. It's not the start to a serious relationship that most ppl, with standards, with be happy with.

If she can't "handle" it now, that would be because of the entirely natural and understandable discomfort at his behaviour in doing that, but also what he did in keeping her in the dark about it, while everyone else around her knew. Even when she mentioned the weird attitude from his very recent fuck partner.

(And if the fuck partner was ok with it, she'd not have had an attitude, so it seems like maybe he used her/maybe she thought it was the start of something too).

Op is not too immature for a relationship, he is.

What an unbelievably shitty thing to say to a young woman.
What standards to set for her.

Edited
Show quote history

She is too immature to be in a relationship if she has issues with jealousy about past relationships. That should be sorted before being with anyone.

He is not a Prince among men, but it is irrelevant as there should not be a relationship here at all. Neither are ready.

Bookworm20 · 26/09/2023 14:03

She is too immature to be in a relationship if she has issues with jealousy about past relationships. That should be sorted before being with anyone.

What? I'd say shes being actually very mature. This is bothering her and so why should she just accept it? And maybe i've read a different op to you, but this wasnt a past relationship! She isn't jealous here. She's hurt.
It was someone he fucked, hours before kissing her and while she had been spending her time and energy on him, to get that to that moment of a first kiss.

Calling someone 'too immature' because they have morals and expectations of a future partner, quite honestly is pretty fucking sad.

I have no issues with my dp's past relationships. However I would also be very hurt if the person I was investing my time in (and thought they were investing theres in me) to get to know each other and date had screwed someone hours before our first kiss. And i'm not a 21 year old having my first kiss! I'm very well seasoned. Am I too immature for a realtionship too? Simply because I would consider that disrespectful and hurtful?

novalia89 · 26/09/2023 14:10

Bookworm20 · 26/09/2023 14:03

She is too immature to be in a relationship if she has issues with jealousy about past relationships. That should be sorted before being with anyone.

What? I'd say shes being actually very mature. This is bothering her and so why should she just accept it? And maybe i've read a different op to you, but this wasnt a past relationship! She isn't jealous here. She's hurt.
It was someone he fucked, hours before kissing her and while she had been spending her time and energy on him, to get that to that moment of a first kiss.

Calling someone 'too immature' because they have morals and expectations of a future partner, quite honestly is pretty fucking sad.

I have no issues with my dp's past relationships. However I would also be very hurt if the person I was investing my time in (and thought they were investing theres in me) to get to know each other and date had screwed someone hours before our first kiss. And i'm not a 21 year old having my first kiss! I'm very well seasoned. Am I too immature for a realtionship too? Simply because I would consider that disrespectful and hurtful?

Exactly, I had this 'cool girl' answer. It's always, maybe you are not ready to be in a serious relationship yet, which the OP has been gaslighted into believing too. She is, he is not. Wanting exclusive focus, not to be lied to and feeling hurt that he wasn't as excited as she was at the start of the relationship because was getting no strings attached fun whilst she was really excited about the budding emotional connection and kiss does not mean that she is immature. This is a modern concept, giving allowance to being a bit more free but claiming that there was no exclusivity.

He is also a massive liar and omits information. They are the biggest red flag and difficult to trust going forward. How can you know he feels the same and is truthful in what he is saying?

You are totally ready for a relationship, but find a man who has absolutely no strings still attached to anyone else and is excited as you are for this new relationship. They are out there. Don't settle for this man or lower your bar.

BatteryPoweredMammy · 26/09/2023 14:15

If he’s already lying to you at this stage, throw him back into the sea and start going out with your friends more and focus on enjoying yourself.

I had several long term relationships before meeting my DH in my late thirties. Thankfully, I had the experience behind me to know my worth and not put up with someone lying and trying to manipulate me.

All women deserve to be in a loving relationship where their partner treats them as an equal and wants what’s best for their partner, instead of putting themselves first.

Sapphire3 · 26/09/2023 14:16

Be with a man where the sheets are dry from his last encounter- as the old proverb goes.

Sapphire3 · 26/09/2023 14:19

To those throwing out statements about immaturity and jealousy issues, clearly the guy is a catch, so how about you focusing your energy on making these guys not single, so the rest of us can avoid them?

Sapphire3 · 26/09/2023 14:22

Also, something to be aware of OP, many guys who have cultural desire to please their parents through selecting the right partner and marrying them, would totally go for a girl like you as marriage material, while keeping his options open sexually to be with the kind of women that he can use and throw away. The guy doesn’t seem to treat sex or emotions seriously. I’d be interested to know what his attitude was to this coming out and whether he understands the hurt caused by you believing he was really into you while he had a roving eye. I imagine a long time of texting back and forth the mutual interest was very clear, and it was more a case of when you’d kiss rather than if you’d kiss. Have you asked him how he would feel if you had spent the night with someone else while you were beginning to date?

Sapphire3 · 26/09/2023 14:30

Red flags for me with the guy I dated was a very slow drip feed as to his true nature, things admitted two years in when I was already in too deep. Never would I have thought he was that kind of guy, and I treasured some much our beginning and what I thought it meant to us both. Don’t be me, I made excuses for him and learnt to live with it not being how I initially though that it was. Turned out his morals were so loose that I had to ask myself a question in the end. Here was the question:

If I had known at the beginning what I know now, would I have consented to kissing him, having sex with him, and would I have deeply loved his character and the beginnings of all we shared? Would I have seen him as my forever guy?

The answer is a resounding no, I would have considered him to be just like so many guys, and would not have allowed anything to develop.

Ask yourself the same question.

”If I had known before our first kiss that he was sleeping with someone else the night before, would I have allowed him to kiss me, or for the feelings to develop, or for me to imagine any kind of future with him”

Of the answer is no, leave him, you fell for the guy he presented, not the true person.

If the answer is yes, then you have no issue apart from that he omits information and has a problem with the truth, and you just need to tell him from this day on, you accept him and he can share all things with you, it’s unlikely with a guy like that that he would, but up to you if you took that risk.

personally I believe you are too good for him, and that there’s plenty of women out there (judging by this thread) that don’t take sex or sentiment as seriously as you and would make a good contributor to a toxic relationship, which you don’t need.

I want you to leave him so much, firstly so you don’t get further hurt in the years to come, and secondly because the kind of woman that I wish for him is someone that plays the same games as him. Guaranteed he’s one of those guys that can’t look in the mirror and say “I’m exactly what I would want in a partner”

inappropriateraspberry · 26/09/2023 14:30

Has he lied and told you a different story to the truth, or omitted the truth and not spoken about it all?
We all have things we probably haven't mentioned to our partners. All this happened previous to your relationship and I wouldn't be giving it headspace. It's his past, before you.
You said he was your first kiss. Ever? That means you were relatively old for never having kissed someone before and I think you are putting far too much pressure on yourself and as a couple.
Enjoy the relationship for what it is at the moment, don't try to forecast a future for yourselves.

Sapphire3 · 26/09/2023 14:32

Why is there no thumbs down on Mumsnet?

thaisweetchill · 26/09/2023 15:17

The lies would be a big red flag for me, you will get to a point when you don't trust him because he can't be truthful.

I'd get out whilst you can.

Lili132 · 26/09/2023 16:07

OP I'm going to say this as someone who was very much like you - loving and understanding, seeing best in people and excusing their behaviour because of their childhood etc - this attitude can literally ruin your life and your chance for happy marriage /family life.
Great partners don't lie. If they lie they are bad partners.
Good relationships make you feel secure and settled not second guessing yourself and worrying about future.
People always do things because of something. Often because of their childhood. It really doesn't matter. Bad childhoods should be dealt with in therapy and not severe as an excuse in relationships. In the end of the day hurtful behaviour hurts and damages you regardless of deep rooted reason for it. Focus on what not "why". You are not a therapist.
You are so young and you sound like a lovely person. Pick someone who is honest and acts with integrity.

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