My boyfriend slept with someone else the day before our first kiss. I'm having trouble getting over it. How do I move past this?

[SashaDhawan]

My boyfriend (25M) and I (21F) have been dating for a year and three months now. We have a great relationship and we really do love each other. We get along well, and all my friends and family love him too.

My only issue is that he is prone to hiding things from me and lying to me. I recently found out from an anonymous DM on Instagram the true way his parents found out about us (he lied about this), how long his previous relationship was (also lied about this) and the fact that he slept with someone else the day before we had our first kiss (I never knew and he never tried to tell me).

I'm having trouble getting over everything, especially after finding out he was intimate with someone the day before what was an important day to me, he was my first kiss. I just feel a little used, naïve and just overall icky. The reason I feel this way is because the girl he slept with is his older sister's friend. I have met her, I went to his older sister's hens weekend and she was there. Throughout his older sister's wedding week, she was there and present. She was apart of the dance I taught his older sister and her friends, she's just around a lot. I feel like a fool, because apparently a lot of people within his sister's friend group knew and I have just been so unaware and stupid, trying my best to get along with his older sister's friends to get closer to his sisters. The worst part I believe, is that after his sister's wedding, I called her out by name to my boyfriend and I said that I didn't think she likes me and that I got weird vibes from her. But my boyfriend played it off, and even when as far as to say he'd ask his sister if I wanted, which I obviously declined. I feel a little humiliated.

When my boyfriend and I spoke about this, his reasoning behind lying was that he didn't want his ex to have any part of our relationship, or the reason he didn't tell me about the girl he slept with was because he didn't want to make me uncomfortable.

I don't know how to get over this. It took me so long to get my retroactive jealousy in check when I found out he had a recent ex (we started talking early Feb 22', he broke up with his ex late January 22'), and now to throw in a girl he had a one night stand with the day before we kissed is hurting me like crazy. I've asked to have some space away but I'm not sure if things will ever go back to normal. My trust has been broken, I am genuinely so hurt and I have little faith that he's going to change. However, on the other hand, I truly do love him, and have imagined a future with him. He even gave me a promise ring and has openly spoken about marriage. He really is a great guy, he ticks all my boxes and loves me so much. I believe in his past he's just grown up hiding and lying from his family so it has just become a habit, but I am a very understanding person by nature and he knows this too. I feel like he takes advantage of that as I have forgiven him for lying to me before.

I know I'm young and if our relationship ends, it won't be the end of the world but I really do love him with everything I have. Please help me and give me some advice as to what I should do.

Listen to Lilli above and the others who have given you sound advice. Don’t invest in a liar with loose morals, in 20 years you’ll be in your 40s with probably a few children. Do you want to be with a man you can’t fully trust who treats sex as a casual commodity? Trust me, you don’t. Find your love story. All relationships will have ups and downs and life can throw stuff at us, you want to go through that with your best friend who adores you, not a lying cheat with a wandering eye. Evidence of his wandering eye is investing emotionally in you to build up to a relationship while shagging others on the side. There are many men like that (and women) your future is in your hands. Find a man who is only thinking of loving you and having sex with you when you are getting to know each other. These men do exist, really lovely and decent men who may have flaws but those flaws are not dishonesty and loose morals. Think about the example of manliness your want for your kids, and repeatedly ask yourself the question I said to ask, would you have consented to an intimate relationship with this guy if all the facts had been laid out on the table from day one? I’m sure you wouldn’t have, because what you shared wouldn’t have seemed so special, he wouldn’t have seemed the catch you thought he was, and his budding feelings towards you wouldn’t have felt like the real deal when he was sleeping with someone else, probably saying all the right things to get her into bed also. You can do MUCH better, you’re young with an amazing future ahead if you can ditch this deadweight. Otherwise I predict a future of gaslighting deceit, comparing yourself to other women, depression and having immature people on forums saying you are insecure with jealousy issues.

Whatever happened before you two were officially in a relationship is not relevant and actually, is not any of your business. Even if he slept with someone the day before you two kissed for the first time, it is not relevant, as presumably you two were not in a relationship at that point?

The lying is more concerning, but might be because he doesn't want to deal with your jealousy and other people's judgements? I think it might be worth saying to him that you want honesty and assuring him that if he is honest, you'll react sensibly and not get jealous.

If you don't feel able to handle the fact that he was sexually active before he met you, you might want to seek counselling re: jealousy?

I'm afraid he really isnt a great guy. Let's face it these are just the lies you've found out about. He sounds very immature and has manipulated you and your trust.

Ignore the comments saying you've slut shamed him and you are dramatic. People clearly dont have reading compresntion, as your post is obviously more about the constant lying and betrayal of trust than his actual actions.

Please please try to think what youd say to your best friend if it was them telling you this information.

Having read further into the thread where you say he lied to his parents and they found out.....I do think this lying is an issue you need to ask him to address. If he can't be honest with people, it could cause major problems if your relationship gets more serious.

So anything before the kiss your gonna have to let go of, however there's no reason for him to lie to you in a committed relationship! That's a red flag! The choice is yours but you have to live with it if your staying.

Totally on point, as always.

Some of these posts are nuts.

Dump his ass, he's a habitual liar

Whatever happened before you two were officially in a relationship is not relevant and actually, is not any of your business. Even if he slept with someone the day before you two kissed for the first time, it is not relevant, as presumably you two were not in a relationship at that point?

I would he willing to bet you substantial money that if the op said to him right now - that she didn't mind about him shagging the other woman 24 hrs before their first kiss/intimacy .... Because she had shagged or sucked the dick of (random bloke/ex bf, whatever) - the day before too ..... It was just the lying by omission when she mentioned the womans attitude that's the problem;

... that he would lose the fkg plot.

Their relationship would then not be remotely secure and op would be getting called some old skool names.

Stop pretending it doesn't matter. It does.

And this sort of thing often matters intensely to men.

I don't really understand all this about "not in a relationship". They did have a relationship, as in they were two people who were building up a romantic intimacy. Clearly, as the boyfriend will be well aware, the OP is a young, trusting and innocent girl. To find out that, all the while, he'd been shagging someone else on the side of that, is a shock. Come on, don't tell me you'd all shrug that off if it happened to you, whether you are 21 or 71. It's completely normal to be upset by that, and to question everything that went before. Men can be quite canny about leading on their most likely prospect while keeping another iron or two in the fire, and when you find out that the man you've fallen in love with sees you that way, of course a woman who values herself will reconsider the relationship altogether.

And YES, ha, for sure he would not like it if the boot was on the other foot!!

Hmm…why do some on here think she had to be physical with him before it became a betrayal? Everyone has different standards, and different depths. For me it would change up the entire beginning of our relationship. Narcissists can jump like that from one bed to another, it really says a lot about this guy. Building a connection with someone and bedding someone else, is still betrayal. Clearly they were building up to that kiss….from my view I wouldn’t want a guy like that, that can jump from one bed to the next with ease, but each to their own.

It’s not that he’s necessarily a BAD person, but he is inherently a liar. That will never change and is a behavioural pattern. Basically it’s who he is. There are few people who are all bad and have no redeeming qualities, so I’m sure he has his positives. However, his default with difficult situations is to be untruthful and if he can’t be honest about the small things, we’ll then, you’re doomed with the important things.

As you say, you’re young and you will move on if you broke up. I think it’s probably best as you just will never, and by the sounds of it, should never trust him.

You sound very sweet and optimistic and like you want to see the best in people. You need someone more stable and reliable who appreciates that and doesn’t take advantage (consciously or not). You need to feel secure in a relationship and this is a formative one for you. If you keep losing yourself trying to see the best in him that isn’t always there then you could be setting yourself up for insecurity in future relationships where it’s not justified.

Regarding the part about not knowing the sister’s friend was the one he’s slept with, I agree with how you feel. If you’d known you could have mentally prepared. His lie by omission has made you feel foolish. That’s cowardly and inexcusable.

I think you're reaction to him having (presumably) casual sex with this woman is a bit OTT. You weren't really in a relationship were you, you'd just started dating and hadn't been physical. I don't think he's done anything wrong however I would have expected some sort of 'disclosure' when when you mentioned she seemed 'off' with you.
If this is your first boyfriend and the only person you've been physical with I'm guessing he knows this so from your side there's nothing to tell. Couples don't always disclose every sexual encounter especially if there's been a lot.
I'd be more concerned about the general dishonesty, so saying things that weren't true or omitting details, but if you've genuinely only ever kissed 1 person at 21 I'd say you're a little different to the norm.

Except I get the impression that OP similarly lied to her parents and she had to tell them truth sooner than she would have liked. So I think it’s more complicated than him simply being a liar and there are complex cultural issues involved.

I agree with this 100%. As for his lying - that is a major red flag. Once I discover someone has lied to me once, I will never trust them fully again. And that is no basis for a healthy relationship.

You're too young to deal with this nonsense. There is NO reason at this point to keep chasing after this man who lies to you. It doesn't matter what the lies are about, he lies. He SAYS whatever he has to say to get you to do what he wants you to do. No one who respects someone wants to trick them. This one isn't worth the trouble, throw him back.

Have you posted this (or related) multiple times before?

Run.
This relationship will end in tears, yours. I reslly do understand that you're certain you love him.
But you are worth so very much more.
Make the break sooner rather than later. It will not be easy, as you still feel love.
But the very fact you're asking for advice, well ,it seems to me you already know what to do, however devastating it will feel.
In the long run, you will find someone so very much better.
My best wishes for a happier future

The fact he had sex with someone else before you even kissed or were exclusive is not something that would be a big deal for me. With online dating now it’s very common to date multiple people before deciding to be exclusive with someone. I realise you weren’t online dating but assume same kind of rules apply. That doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to feel upset by it, if it upsets you. But I think most people here think you’re being unreasonable.

The lying is a different matter and I’d say a red flag

I don't think the sleeping with someone else is a problem, but all the other rubbish is no good. You're young, if you're not happy then move on.

You say that your 'only' issue is that he lies.

But that's really, really fundamental. WIthout trust, you can't have a healthy relationship. Without trust, you'll never feel completely safe. You'll feel trusted or respected yourself. You'll never have that wonderful feeling of really KNOWING someone, warts and all.

He should've told you when he knew you'd be spending time with her, that's so grim. Him having a recent ex and sleeping with her is not inherently bad, but would influence you if you had known in time, and I think he should've been more open with you considering all these factors.

Honestly, I've been in your situation where a partner slept with someone else when we were dating but not exclusive- and I never got over it. He continued to have contact with her (innocent messages) so similar to your situation. Knowing a partner's ex is never a good idea, especially when there's been secrets.

You will find better, you deserve better. And if you do choose to stay, know you'll be feeling like this for a long time, and may never get over it.

I think some posters are being willfully obtuse here

he didn’t have the decency to have casual sex with someone he’d never see again, someone who was a family friend and had around his gf frequently….and he gaslit and lied about it, that would be a crappy situation without the lying

if I had spent time and energy getting to a meaningful connection w/ someone and I found out they clearly didn’t think the same of me was out prowling the night before a big date ?…I’d be gutted I’ll be honest and making you be around her is shocking I’m not sure I could forgive that

From someone who was married for 25 years to a habitual liar. It's miserable and heartbreaking as they promise over and over and over that they have changed, that it wont happen again.
He left me with £47k debt, cost me and my small children our home and left with a close friend after 25 years of marriage.

The kiss with someone else before you were even a thing ? Get over that. In the future you will date lots of people who have kissed and slept with other people before you become a couple with them. Dont be jealous over nothing. Because that's all it is, nothing. You were not together or even in an exclusive relationship.

But the lies ? Huge red flag. Small lies now and forgiven now gives him licence to continue to lie more and bigger lies later and you deserve much better.

This, and @Sapphire3 post.
It's not just the timeline it's the overlap of relationships, without letting the OP know he wasn't exclusive.
I once dated someone, we had a weekend 'on a break' to consider our future, I spent the weekend thinking and trying to work out what I wanted and if it could work. We met in the week and he was tender and loving, saying how much he had missed me, I was so relieved and was seriously thinking he was 'the one'. Shortly afterwards I met a mutual friend who knew about the 'on a break' weekend but didn't know about the loving reunion. She told me he had spent the entire weekend trying to get off with a friend of hers, saying the friend was his ideal woman and may have been made for him(!) but she wasn't the slightest bit interested in him (which the friend thought was hilarious and was her reason for telling me).
Finding this out completely put me off him, that he could switch between people so quickly and it seemed was only interested in getting back with me because his 'ideal woman' wasn't interested. It just made his declaration of affection false and superficial.
So I agree with @Whiskerson and @Sapphire3 and anyone else who has said something similar!